The Secret of the Universe

Evidently, it's getting up early. Who knew? Legions of morning people, apparently. So that's going to have to be the routine. :P

I am an evening person. My most productive hours for writing have traditionally been between 11 P.M. and 2 A.M. Even if I get up early, I can't go to bed before 11:30. In the mornings when my toddler was smaller, I would drop my husband off at work (one car) for somewhere between 8 and 8:30 (which required leaving the house between 7:45 and 8:15), then return home (most mornings) and climb in bed with her & snuggle. This was also her favorite time to nurse until after she was a year. The pattern (minus the nursing) remained constant while I was pregnant, and since the baby was born, I have not really had to get up; I merely relinquished the car. Since I allowed my permit to lapse, however, parking has been rather pricey for my husband, and we can't really afford that. Sleeping in is a hard habit to break. And yet. . .

This morning, I wasn't necessarily planning to get up & take the car. Yesterday I was planning on it, but my alarm clock (aka husband) didn't know the plan. I was also exhausted from a busy day on Tuesday. But this morning, Chiclette woke up to eat, and Doodle, who was in our bed after a Post-Nemo Traumatic Stress Nightmare (we have to be very careful what she watches or she wakes up yelling "Help! Help! Momma! Daddy!"--very sad) woke up, too. So I figured, what the heck? I knew it would be a challenge if Doodle fell asleep on the way home to get both babies in the house from the car, but I did it! Carrying a 35 lb. or so toddler with an infant car seat over one's arm is not the easiest thing in the word, but it is doable! That is something I was dreading, frankly. But I now realize that I can get both children in and out of the car by myself under various conditions. (Small triumphs)

So I got home with both babies asleep, put Doodle in her bed, took a bath, ate a PB & J, sorted clothes, started a batch, pinned a blanket front to the fleece back & stitched around the perimeter, and sewed two 4-square rows of a Christmas blanket (adult sized) that I'm making--all before Doodle & Chiclette woke up at around 10 A.M. Yay!! Now I'm ready for a nap. :P I can see this being a good time to work on the dissertation. I don't do intellectual activity well in the mornings, but that's what Limited Edition bottled Peppermint Mocha Frappuccinos (from SAM'S Club) are for!

So there you go. Most of you caught on to the Secret of the Universe before I did, but I generally have to be dragged kicking & screaming into these things. I'm still not completely happy about this, but at least Chiclette sleeps from 6-8 hours in a typical night! (So yes, it is possible for breast fed babies. She'll make up for it when she hits a year, I'm sure.)

Incidently, the Secret of the Universe for Toddlers is different, and consists of two words said often in rapid succession: "NO! MINE!!"

It's Getting Better All the Time. . .

Apologies if I've been lacking in the inspired post category lately. I did want to catch everyone (who is interested) up on the various dilemmas I've posted about. So far, no miraculous insights into toddler management, but incidents are becoming less frequent. She sometimes lets Daddy rock her for a nap and at bedtime, I wait until Chiclette has nursed for a good while to bring Doodle back to be rocked. Chiclette has reached a stage where she no longer nurses every 20 minutes or so and can be comforted by other means. She is even getting used to a pacifier (though we only use it occasionally). She is very easy to console. So for the 40 min or so it takes to get Doodle to go to sleep (she likes to be rocked & cuddled), Chiclette is generally content. (Yay!)

I also wanted to let everyone know that my mom is doing better, too. Circumstances are improving. She came to visit in October, then went back home a week or two before Chiclette arrived. She left, and left my brother (the 13-year-old) to stay with my sister. He has been with us for the past few weeks. Though the house is still without plumbing (no bathing, no flushing toilets--very bad) and in rather sad shape (she is confined to two rooms, the roof leaks badly in many places), she has hope of making progress towards resolving the legal issues that are currently preventing her from accessing the insurance money and money from The Road Home. The Road Home people have been helpful with resolving legal issues. In addition, though she lost her job with Starbucks job because of missed work due to health issues and from staying out of town too long to bail my sister out of an unfortunate roommate situation, it was on good terms, the health issues seem to have improved some, and other work has surfaced. Specifically, she has been working for and with a photographer friend on shoots, printing, office work. . . all manner of jobs. She is paid well, sometimes in advance, allowing her her to catch up on house notes. Hours are not fixed. It is pretty much ideal. In addition, she has been making and selling jewelry--an ongoing business for several years now that has been doing well recently, as she has added new pieces, including religious themed items. She has unfortunately had some reminders that New Orleans is even less safe than before. . . Today, for example, someone shot at her from the levee and hit the car she was driving, just inches from the window. But overall, things seem to be improving, though still far from ideal. I wanted to take some time to thank those who wished her well and sent prayers. Thank you!!

Toddler Trauma, or Toddler Testing??

For the past few weeks, my toddler, whom we might call "Doodlebug" or "Doodle" has developed a new preference at bedtime. While I was pregnant, my husband almost always rocked her to sleep at night, especially during the latter months. If she expressed a preference for me, it was rare, and if I did not comply, she was generally not too worked up about it. This has changed, however. Instead, she wants me to rock her to sleep every night, on pain of wails, sobs, and generally uncontrollable crying. The problem? Without fail, the Moosette wakes up crying, needing to be fed or needing to be pacified in a way that only Momma can, just as Big Sister-doodle is settling into Momma's lap. Momma has dealt with this in a couple of different ways. A couple of times, Moosette & Doodle have snuggled into Momma's lap together, which Big Sister doesn't mind at all, but this poses a problem when little sister wants to nurse--the logistics are all wrong. Also, the Moosette has grown in the past couple of weeks, and Doodle is much more likely to get feet in her face than she was initially, which doesn't bother her, but isn't conducive to sleep, either! Letting Moosette cry a bit isn't an option, because Doodle takes too long to go to sleep. And again, the crying Moosette keeps Big Sister awake, either from concern or noise. Handing Doodle off to Daddy is a common "solution," but generally results in several minutes of very sad, very loud crying. This does nothing for Daddy's ego. She may be moving toward just lying in her bed to sleep at naptime, but not at night. The way I see it, one of the girls feels brushed aside whatever I do. I'm contemplating letting Moosette take a bottle while Sister is rocked, at least a couple of nights a week, or putting Doodle to bed as soon as Moosette eats, whenever that may be. Of course, Moosette likes marathon nursing sessions at night, too.

Incidently, the problem is worse when Doodle has had a shorter-than-usual nap. . .

Now, this could be simple toddler manipulation, but I doubt it. Ever since I came back from the hospital (where I stayed 2 nights while Moosette was observed for possible infection--a precaution), Doodle has awakened in the night crying for me. She had nightmares in the past, but did not specifically call out "Momma" or "Mommy." So I'm wondering if she latches on to me at night because she's afraid of my leaving in the night again. My other thought is that, while she is very patient and understanding when I care for the baby throughout the day, she sees bedtime and naptime as two times when I should be hers unconditionally. She has motioned for me to give the baby to Daddy (tried to move her there!) and tonight, when I walked in to the bedroom to relieve Daddy of screaming toddler duty, she looked in my arms and said with dismay, "A Baby!" (Other times she will wake up from her nap and look in the baby's bed and say, "Where's baby?" with equal distress, fearing that the baby is missing if she is not there, especially if the baby is crying.) It certainly makes sense that she would want Momma & Doodle time. It is an emotionally draining challenge that ends the day in the Literacy-chic household.

Status Update with Random Thoughts

Things have been going well lately, but though I've wanted to sit down & blog (or at least answer comments from previous posts!) I can't seem to manage a whole post. I've got some partial ones saved, but that doesn't count. In fact, a bulleted list of random thoughts about things that have happened lately is more my speed right now, so here goes. . .

• A thought to add to Sarah's 40 reasons to have kids: Holidays are more fun when you have young children whose innocent delight reminds you of how to enjoy the trappings of the holiday!
• I have finally had success with a baby carrier! A pouch sling that I made from the directions on this web site. So now I want to make more for myself!!
• Things have been going much more smoothly with the toddler. She seems better able to understand what we want, and we are more able to communicate to her. Perhaps a breakthrough? (She's so sweet, I hate to sound as if she's trouble, and I hate to see her cry in anger, hurt, or frustration.) :(
• Newborn screenings are a pain. My baby has tested positive at the 2 week screening for a rare enzyme deficiency that only occurs in 1/60,000 infants. Yeah. She tested positive--along with 3 other 2-week-olds tested on the same afternoon at the same pediatric department at the same health insurance run clinic. Can we say lab error? Can we also say 4 sets of stressed parents??? Waiting for results from the retest. :(
  
• I did have some thoughts on discipline, but I have lost them now that things are better on that front. My brain can only hold one or two things at a time these days.
  
• My toddler is peeling off the little stickers on the back of breast pads and spreading the pads across the floor, but I'm nursing and can't stop her. And you know what? I don't care even a little! ;)
  
• Someone once told me that if you pray for patience (for example), God may not give you patience so much as the opportunity to exercise and so develop patience. I've thought about that a lot lately, like yesterday, when my toddler was trying to pour herself a cup of water out of the 1/4 full gallon jug. I went over to help her just as she inverted the jug, pouring water on the table, herself, and the floor. It was one of those slow-motion moments when you just can't seem to do anything. Soon, the gallon was empty, and she said, "Uh oh! Rain!" I laughed, sighed, and cleaned it up.
• Yesterday I managed to put both babies to sleep all by myself! Today, I managed to bathe & get dressed while they were both sleeping. Now, if I could only manage those two tasks on the same day. . .
• Another thing that having babies does is this: Children help their parents analyze and develop how they practice their faith (that is, when they aren't disrupting said practice of the Faith by driving the parents to distraction in Mass!!!) ;) In the coming weeks, we will begin planning for the baby's baptism. A thought that occurred to me is that, while I feel competent enough to teach my children the ins and outs of the practice of Catholicism, where I feel I am lacking is the ability to teach the love and awe--of the Church, of the Church as the Bride of Christ and of the Church as representative of the Body of Christ-- basically, awe and love of God through awe and love of the Faith that unites us. Is this something parents can teach? Likely. I frequently take lessons from Melanie and Bella (such as this one, and this one, and this one). I don't believe it has to be taught, but how wonderful if we could give something like that to our children! And if it begins growing in early childhood, hopefully the child will always have that as an anchor. But I don't know how to teach it. It is at these times that I realize that I am still new at this, and wonder where to go from here. . .
• I love Advent!! I love the decorations, the readings, the music--especially "O Come O Come Emmanuel," which I had never heard before I became Catholic. It is the time of the liturgical year when I most feel the awe and love--of God and the Church--that I mention above.
  

Hope to post more in coming days, if I can. I think the prospect of a unified post intimidates me lately, so I may stick with the bullet format.

Book Recommendations?

I don't read parenting books. Having said this, can anyone recommend any sensible ones (Catholic or generic) on parenting toddlers?? Or if not, could fellow-bloggers ask for recommendations from their readers? Thanks! This is blogging-as-support group, I think. . .

Posts (Real and Intended) from This Hormonal Mom

Well, I can't say that I haven't had some blogworthy ideas lately, but I haven't felt like actually blogging them. I want the ideas to be "out there," so to speak, but without the effort of actually posting them--you know, typing in the URL, clicking "New Post" . . . That's where I get stuck. Once I'm here, it's like rolling off a log. Especially when I use tired cliches like that.

I thought about posting for Thanksgiving, but I couldn't decide whether to post something negative about how holidays raise false expectations or muster up some things I'm thankful for (I do have a number but posting them might seem a little redundant) for a sentimental post (actually, Chris strikes a nice balance here!). . .

I had one in my head about Sesame Street, in reference to this article, and one about the response I wrote to a company (one of the many) that feels the need to address parents' concerns about safety in the wake of the recalls of Chinese-made products. I would still like to post on these, but don't hold it against me if I don't manage it. . .

Here I am, nearing the end of week 3 with my new baby. My husband is getting ready to return to work on Monday. And it's getting tough. The first 2 weeks seemed to fly by quickly and easily. I was recovering well. I had energy. The toddler was sweet. The baby was sleeping a good 4+3 hours a night. And I could reminisce about the birth experience. All I had were minor annoyances--the normal postpartum stuff and then the limitations that I have been gradually ignoring: not picking up the toddler, not leaving the house with the newborn, that kind of thing. But reality is setting in. When I'm not holding one child, I'm holding the other one. Sometimes I'm holding both (though when I'm not tired, that can be really sweet). If I'm not nursing one, I'm looking for something the toddler will eat or feeding my baby's milk supply (most of the time, actually. . .). I feel both in demand and completely useless, since I've been warming my corner of the sofa/futon for the last 3 months of the pregnancy and the first 3 weeks of the baby's life. If I have any clothes that fits me, it is buried in the Closet-of-Rubbermaids and I haven't been able to access it. So I'm still sporting maternity fashions which, while comfortable, are getting blissfully but annoyingly loose. (I'm only 5 lbs. from my pre-pregnancy weight-which was still too much!)

Things cross my mind, like the dissertation--I wonder when I will finish? The fact that I HAVE to finish. . . Knowing I won't have a job past the spring. . . Knowing that even if English offers me a teaching assignment for the Summer (but these are in high demand and if I'm not a grad student, my chances of getting one are less likely), classes are only offered during the day every day of the week, which would require a perpetual babysitter or away-from-home child care (neither of which is possible). Similarly, next fall and spring (if hired by the department) I may not be able to keep my evening schedule, and I would have to teach at least 2 classes as a lecturer to match my current salary as a grad student. If I get hired by anyone else (which would necessitate applying), my problems will be worse, because I don't want my babies in daycare. But then at least I could afford it, might be able to limit it to 3 (part-)days a week, and my baby would be a year (give or take). I'm also worried about not being home 2 or 3 evenings a week in the Spring (because of teaching), the impending expiration of my financial aid, the impending repayment of the same financial aid, and incidentals like needing new tires.

Do I want to stay home all of the time? No. Do I think I could? Not without getting frustrated & depressed. ('Cause that would be different.) And unless my husband found another job that paid $15,000 more, we couldn't do it financially either. (Not being greedy & materialistic here, just thinking about current payments--and that's considering that I just finished a consumer credit program that paid off our first impoverished years of marriage!!) I also worry about simpler things like how to control the rambunctious toddler (or at least keep a good rein on her) and how on earth I will ever be able to leave the house with the two of them. The toddler does not hold hands. She runs in her own direction until forced to do otherwise. My son was not like this. I have visions of loading both children in the stroller (which, having failed to hear from the person who offered to give mer her double sit-n-stand, I ordered for myself. . .) to stroll them from the apartment to the car, 10 yards or so away. . .

So where is that Little-Engine-That-Could attitude? It has gone the way of the Dodo. Actually, it was a pose. I've been putting you all on.

Well, now I have to go clear up my broken water glass that I knocked off the arm of the sofa. *sigh* Will be back to check incessantly for comments. Sometimes I think blogging is an unhealthy addiction.

P.S.--Any lurkers. . . Pleeeeeease don't tell me that God is calling me to be a stay-at-home mom, much as I respect those who I know who are stay-at-home moms!! You may believe it about me if you wish, but I've heard that before, and it's not really helpful nor do I believe it to be true. (It's kind of like telling someone who's married that he should have been a priest, because that's his true calling.) Thanks! ;)

I Wimped Out and a Pregnancy Retrospective

Actually, the phrase "cop out" comes to mind. I have been feeling guilty about taking the baby out, which I've done a few times (which is a few times more than I'm comfortable with). So did I spend my time at home with my baby? Well, no. But I didn't go to the talk, either. After taking her out yesterday and trying out the sling, I decided I needed more practice with it before using it ANYWHERE. She cried when I was putting her in it! She didn't do that the first time I tried, though she is a few days older and more aware of things now than she was the first time. I am a failure with slings & things overall, but I am determined to make one work! And then there's the nursing--while she nurses extremely well, her nursing habits are not yet well-formed, if that makes sense, so I never know when she will fall asleep, when she's really finished, when she will start to fuss again, etc. So I thought that maybe this would be rushing it a bit. Convinced? Well, all of these things were factors. But perhaps I realized, too, that it really wasn't how I wanted to spend my afternoon. I wanted to listen to the talk & participate (although I did NOT feel like doing anything academic last night--I was a bit hormonal, truth be told, and had had a day with a lot of emotional ups & downs). However, I'm enjoying having all of my family around right now (husband, two daughters, son when he's not at school). So while I'm finding myself positively climbing the walls because I want to go places & do things (and NOT rest!!), I don't necessarily want to do them alone. And I want to do important things like shop for strollers, not frivolous things like attending academic talks! (Priorities, priorities)

So these weeks are proving difficult for me, NOT because I am feeling so bad and suffering from lack of sleep, but because I am feeling so good. The curse of a quick recovery is that you want to go back to the things you were doing before, NOW--not later. In my case, I am feeling better now than I was throughout most of my pregnancy. I don't mean to sound like the pregnancy was bad--it wasn't. I had a few aches & pains, but they were never constant or severe. No swelling at all until the end, and then barely worth mentioning. But I was tired. Soooooo tired. The kind of tired that feels drug-induced. My waves of tired reminded me of the irresistable sleep of Benadryl. Complete with the hangover. And this had been with me since the summer, regardless of the iron or vitamins or diet (or caffeine, some days). So for the first time in months I have my normal energy level again, and my mind and my body alike are relieved. I know, how odd--a new mother who claims to have energy. Well, I guess my body finds making milk easier than nourishing a growing baby inside. I have been pregnant or breastfeeding (and for a while, both) for almost 3 years now, and I guess my body is saying, "O.K.--this is the easy stuff!" Also, the baby is sleeping. Shhhh! Don't tell! A breastfed baby--sleeping! Well, it doesn't hurt that she emerged the size of a 1+ month-old. So for the past few nights she has slept for 3- and 4-hour stretches at a time, allowing me as much as 7 hours of sleep a night, and last night she actually slept for 5 hours straight. Even in the hospital she would sleep 3 or 4 hours, which made me more nervous then because my toddler had a really hard time "waking up" after birth. She wouldn't wake up to eat. And then she became jaundiced, and our problems multiplied. But this baby isn't sleepy. Not that way. Even in the hospital she woke when she was ready to eat--and only when she was ready. And she still does. Although she will sleep longer when held--like now for example. She is on my lap. (I like to type with a baby on my lap--provided she's too young to try to help!)

I also feel better mentally than I have in months. The whole pregnancy was filled with "what-ifs" for me. . . and now they're gone. The baby is healthy, she fits seamlessly into the family, the toddler doesn't feel threatened, and I do indeed feel like doing things (and I feel like I can do things!)--all worries that I had while pregnant. She is sweet and beautiful and I love her. And I guess I know in a more tangible way before--from renewed experience rather than just theory--that babies are possibilities rather than difficulties. They make us resourceful. They lift us up rather than weighing us down. But I have realized that after my toddler was born in October 2005, in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, with family difficulties all around, with the circumstances of her birth--3 weeks early, her jaundice, her sleepiness, her weight loss, I was stressed, I was exhausted, I was weighed down, and I believe I was depressed. I looked at the time, and I did not have the textbook symptoms of "postpartum depression." For one thing, my negative feelings were never directed toward the baby. But I was depressed nonetheless. I did eventually "snap out of it," which, for some, might indicate that I was not depressed. But what snapped me out of it was the decision to make an appointment with a counselor. I canceled the appointment, but from that day forward, things became better. And then I became pregnant (well, not immediately. . .). But it's not difficult to see, with so much negativity following the birth of my second child why pregnancy might inspire mixed feelings ("openness to life" notwithstanding--but I think one can be "open to life" but not prepared for it. . .).

And then there was the birth. I have mentioned before that I had pitocin for my first and second because of leaking amniotic fluid without contractions. The second time was a disappointment because it was a repeat of the same scenario, though there were elements of satisfaction--like only pushing for 15 minutes and no episiotomy, only a slight tear. But the memory of intense, unmanageable pain was too recent. I was afraid. So that added to the anxiety of the pregnancy.

What have I learned? That I love my babies. That my family is strong enough to accept new additions. (My toddler--who met the baby only 11 days ago--thinks her as much a part of the family as any of us now, and includes the baby when she wants us all together.) That my body can go into labor on its own, quite efficiently, and that I can deliver a baby with minimal medical intervention (or does what I did qualify as no medical intervention? no--there was an IV--hate those things). That I can manage pain. That the first two weeks postpartum can be easy--actually easy!! I think I needed to learn these lessons. And finally, that quick recovery makes me stir crazy!!!

(More LDR talk to come--sorry!)

A Breastfeeding Blog with GUTS and a little bit about me

I discovered the Black Breastfeeding Blog a few weeks ago, and I've been waiting for the right moment to introduce it. There's so much to like here, including the author's investigation into historical photographs of black women breastfeeding that are simply FASCINATING. But I was waiting for the one post that spoke to something close to my blog's world. . . And, well, this one struck a chord with me--a post with attitude by a woman who feels no need to be apologetic about the choice she has made to breastfeed, even though they are not the choices that other women have made. I find it odd anyway that promoting breastfeeding as the best (i.e. healthiest) choice for mother and baby should be so politicized and sensitive, as I've indicated before.

. . . . .
Posts are likely to be slim for a while, as my brain is occupied in many directions at once. I'm still keeping up with my class, thinking about dissertation work (and maybe inching closer to actually finishing that chapter). I'm feeling better than I should considering I gave birth less than a week ago, nursing is going great, and the toddler really does like the baby (she even threw a fit in the hospital because she thought the nurse was wheeling away OUR baby!!). There are little attention-seeking behaviors--she makes herself cry, for example, in a little squeaking "waaa"--perhaps because the baby gets so much attention when she cries that way! And she wants extra mommy-time (quite naturally). But overall, things are good. I don't feel like the world needs to stop & let me catch up, nor do I feel (as I did when the toddler was born) that I don't really want to catch up with the world anyway. The baby is beautiful, and I can't believe that a week ago I was still waiting for her. Blogging ideas are just slim, that's all!

Tea and Novenas

Today was the baby shower tea. It was a very small matter, with three graduate student friends, two of whom had to leave early, and my mother and one sister, who left to bring my brother to work and returned afterward. My mother and sister were not originally supposed to be in town. The sister who was to attend had to work. My sister who did attend just returned from Colorado, where she tried to live with some friends--a married couple with a new baby--a situation that just didn't work out. So it was nice to know that that situation was at an end for her! And my mother came up at the beginning of the month with my youngest brother (13 yrs) for a doctor's appointment (since medical care is better--and cheaper--here than in New Orleans), left for a while to help my sister move from Colorado, and returned for a bit more of a visit. She was to have left early today, before the tea, but postponed her trip home and so was able to make it after all. She will be returning tomorrow, but my brother will be staying with my sister for a couple of weeks. If the baby waits a bit, she may be here for the birth! As for my brother, he has been rather depressed in New Orleans--lonely and living without plumbing because of the state of the house. . . My mother returns to find out information about the Road Home program. Hopefully that will go well and they will be able to offer her some hope of repair for her property. She has had a job--working at Starbucks, and is starting to do freelance sewing, alterations, photography, digital imaging, book making, selling her own jewelry designs, painting murals--any number of artistic pursuits, whenever she can find jobs. She much prefers the latter to the former, and the schedule of Starbucks does not easily allow for trips to Texas, so she's not entirely sure what awaits her on her return. . .

So in all, the tea was small & pleasant. And there were lots of little eclairs.

In response to my last post, a blogging friend suggested praying a novena--the two of us together. She says that is something a friend of hers offers when she is worried. We considered St. Gerard, but then decided on Our Lady of Hope. This was not an incarnation of the Blessed Mother that I had every heard of before! But what struck me is that her famous appearance in the French village of Pontmain was on my birthday, 106 years earlier. It strikes me that as Catholics, many of us place importance on things like that (I always have; I suppose it's cultural)--and it's rather hard not to sometimes. After all, hope is something I do need reminders of from time to time. I plan to doing some research and finding an icon or holy card to keep with me. Such apparent coincidences remind one of the Communion of Saints, and remind us of the operation of God's will in the world across time. My son, for example, has a very unusual Irish first name. Imagine our surprise when, on the day of his baptism, the deacon told us of an obscure Irish saint--and abbot--whose feast day was celebrated the day after my son's birthday, whose name was clearly an archaic spelling of my son's name!

So it is nice to have the comfort of prayer, and a communal prayer, and the personal connection as well.

Novena

I am the mother of fair love, and of fear, and of knowledge, and of holy hope. In me is all grace of the way and of the truth; in me is all hope of life and of virtue. Come to me all that desire me and be filled with my fruits (Sirach 24:24-26).
O Blessed Virgin Mary, Mother of Grace, Hope of the world.
Hear us, your children, who cry to you

Let Us Pray
O God, who by the marvelous protection of the Blessed Virgin Mary has strengthened us firmly in hope, grant we beseech You, that by persevering in prayer at her admonition, we may obtain the favors we devoutly implore. Through Christ Our Lord. Amen.

Prayer to Our Lady of Hope
O Mary, my Mother, I kneel before you with heavy heart. The burden of my sins oppresses me. The knowledge of my weakness discourages me. I am beset by fears and temptations of every sort. Yet I am so attached to the things of this world that instead of longing for Heaven I am filled with dread at the thought of death.
O Mother of Mercy, have pity on me in my distress. You are all-powerful with your Divine Son. He can refuse no request of your Immaculate Heart. Show yourself a true Mother to me by being my advocate before His throne. O Refuge of Sinners and Hope of the Hopeless, to whom shall I turn if not you?
Obtain for me, then, O Mother of Hope, the grace of true sorrow for my sins, the gift of perfect resignation to God's Holy Will, and the courage to take up my cross and follow Jesus. Beg of His Sacred Heart the special favor that I ask in this novena.

To protect me and my baby from the risks of childbirth,

to help me to endure the pains of labor,

for relief from anxiety for my son and myself,

and for a safe return to my family after delivery.

But above all I pray, O dearest Mother, that through your most powerful intercession my heart may be filled with Holy Hope, so that in life's darkest hour I may never fail to trust in God my Savior, but by walking in the way of His commandments I may merit to be united with Him, and with you in the eternal joys of Heaven. Amen.
Mary, our Hope, have pity on us.
Hope of the Hopeless, pray for us.

Three Hail Marys.

reprinted (with request added) from EWTN.com

Modest expectations & Morbid thoughts. . .

. . .For me, the two go together. Over the past several months, I have worried about a number of things with this pregnancy--implications for my career, the opinions of those around me, fear and anxiety surrounding labor. . . But as the due date approaches, my hopes and fears have shifted, and what I want more than anything is a healthy baby, a healthy mommy, and a swift return to my other children. (Let's forget, for a moment, how badly I want to stop teaching at this point, particularly since I have 14 or so papers waiting to be graded. . .)

This is the first pregnancy in which I have spent the last few weeks actually preparing for the hospital stay. With my first, I did not have a household of my own. Therefore, I did not really have anything to prepare. I had a vague idea of what I would bring to the hospital, but I didn't even have a bag packed. I'm not sure why I didn't pack it when I realized my water was leaking and I would have to be admitted the next morning, but that was a long time ago. There are just some things that don't stay with you over 10 or so years. With my daughter, it just didn't occur to me to pack a back prior to the 37th week of pregnancy. The first one came on the expected day, so certainly the second should, also!! Furthermore, when I was pregnant with my daughter, there were fewer things to prepare. I had someone lined up to watch my son, who was old enough to understand, and that was that. That is, until the hurricane. By which I mean, The Hurricane. Katrina. Then things became more complicated in some ways, but at the same time, I had relatives to cook & clean & keep my son from worrying! So my preparations were of the buying, washing, and assembling baby items variety. (And lucky I didn't wait until the last minute!! I think my rocking chair was delivered the same week as the baby!)

So for the first time, I have a bag packed. I also have had the ongoing process of preparing my class for my extended absence, which was not an issue, since I wasn't teaching last time. Like last time, I am due around the first of the month, but unlike last time, I am actually preparing for the next paychecks and bills, trying my best to stay on top of things, knowing that I am generally the one to pay bills, and that I won't want to pay bills when there is a baby to tend to! And I filled out an order form for orchestra pictures for my son that isn't due until November 7. And in the back of my head is the thought, "In case I'm not here to do it," which, given the reality of the hospital stay and the unpredictability of babies' arrivals, is perfectly accurate. But the thought could, in other circumstances, have more cryptic implications. And so I look at my beautiful little girl, and I think, "What if. . .?"

I am prone to such imaginings anyway. But these have recently been reawakened by my knowledge that my son is afraid of something happening. He is almost as neurotic as his mother, whether by nature or nurture. When I was last pregnant, he asked directly if the mother could die, since he knew from a friend's mother's experience when he was in kindergarten that the baby could. That was a very sad situation. I of course had to admit to him that, yes, the mother could die. A friend of my mother's died in childbirth from medical neglect and complications due to pre-ecclampsia. Her baby was severely brain damaged. One of her children was near my age and went to my school. But I also told him (and reminded myself) of the huge number of births that occur with no harm to mother or child. He has been mostly quiet about the risks this time, until recently. I thought it was perhaps due to RE (religious education)/CCD, especially with the ongoing 40 Days for Life campaign (not knowing how much the children are told about the campaign), but he tells me that the children were discussing pregnancy in orchestra (??!)--perhaps because of a movie and a pregnant substitute. Anyway, he came home with an odd question one Friday: whether there was a kind of medicine that could keep married people from having babies if they wanted. Of course, I also thought of the extensive ad campaigns for birth control pills, though they tend to make suggestions rather than explicit statements about the purpose of the medication, stressing "other benefits" of the pill. . . So I explained to my son that, yes, there were such medications, but that the Church teaches us that in marriage, the family should welcome children, and so they should not be used. He was satisfied. I tried to elicit the reason for this query--he is not the type of child think that it is desirable not to have children. In fact, he's waiting for a little brother! I got a vague impression from his response that it was his concern for me that led to the question. The previous week he lit a candle for me after Mass, and I tried to sooth his concerns then. I am, after all, very healthy. My mother and grandmother delivered 6 and 7 healthy babies, respectively. But my own anxieties were awakened. And I have to banish the fleeting thought, "What if?" As it is, I am aware that my little girl will not understand where I have gone for 2 or 3 days, and why I can't come back with them from the hospital when they come to visit.

I am glad that we never watched Star Wars Episode 3. After all, that is the point, no? Skywalker/Darth fears to lose his wife in childbirth--and then does, I believe. Not the message for a child who is sensitive to such things.

So while I am reasonably convinced that I will come out of this O.K., I worry for the sake of my little ones, and all of my prayers are for my safety, for them, and the baby's safety and health, for all of us.

Gifted/Talented -or- Just Another School District Failure

I have been engaged in a constant battle since my son was in third grade (perhaps second) to try to make sure that he was being challenged. Pre-K through second, the issue was not as bad because he was at a Montessori school, and because the results were usually pretty transparent. It was clear to me that he was learning. In third grade, at the same Montessori, we found that he was frequently kept from advancing because of silly procedural issues. He didn't memorize phonics marks because he found it pointless, so he could not advance to the next "level" of spelling words. Well, clearly he had outgrown this particular way of learning, which should be permissible in a Montessori curriculum. Heck! A traditional Montessori curriculum wouldn't have had them taking traditional spelling tests anyway. So rather than keeping him there for 4th grade, we sent him to the only Catholic school in the area, which was $100/month less than his Montessori for parishoners in the area (though we paid 12 months rather than 9, which makes up part of that difference), with terrible results. The teacher was demeaning & incompetent. The principal refused to admit the problem, until she stood to lose 4+ students, all from the same teacher's class! So while the students still have to put up with this teacher, they put up with her for fewer hours in the day. We left early last year, a decision I chronicle here and here. So we decided to move into the "good" school district--the one with "exemplary" schools rather than schools that are struggling to meet the state's minimum requirements. The only other option would have been the local Episcopal school, which has a nifty college prep curriculum but a hefty price tag. I also suspected that my son would be at an academic disadvantage because of his recent bad educational experiences. At St. Parish School, he was held to the lowest standard of mediocrity--marginally better than the schools in the district, but not at all impressive. Case in point--they issued him a final report card with all A's for a 6-week period in which he did not attend the school.

So we begin a new school year with hope that things will be better. So far, it has been acceptable. I have had to get to the bottom of reports of threats for talking, etc., but I have found that what the teacher sees as a "warning," my son takes as a "threat," and I have accepted that this is just something to get used to. :P What has been more difficult is the fact that, while he is held to a slightly higher standard of mediocrity, and has more interesting school work, which provides a teeny bit more motivation, he is still, for all practical purposes, bored & unmotivated. Except in orchestra, which may be the saving grace of this school year.

I know it is a hotly debated educational issue, but I have problems with classes that are not divided by ability. I see no reason why slower and more advanced students alike should be held to middle-of-the-road standards. It creates resentment and impedes learning for all but those deemed to be "average"--whatever that means!! The concept of an "average" child is itself misguided. But that's how public schools operate, even when there is an acknowledgment that some students are more advanced. Here, there is no such acknowledgment. There is Enrichment Math, for which I can only assume he did not qualify, since I have heard nothing about a nomination, and Gifted and Talented (G/T).

Now, I know all about G/T. I know the philosophies behind it, the testing procedures, the characteristics of a G/T child. I was in G/T from 2nd grade until I graduated from high school. I always expected that my son would qualify or, if not, that he would come very close, or fit the intelligence requirements but perhaps not the personality requirements (for lack of a better word). You see, as my husband & I have discussed, there are traits beyond intelligence that qualify one for G/T, and these generally have a negative side. G/T students are self-motivated prefer to work alone: interpret--antisocial and procrastinators. They have "alternative" ways of experiencing the world: interpret--unorganized. My husband was never tested for G/T, having been in the Catholic school system from the beginning. G/T students (to prevent them form getting snotty) were always told that G/T has "nothing to do with intelligence" (which is partially true). It has to do with critical thinking/logic and creativity. Honors, therefore, is something different. I was honors and G/T (the two are often complimentary). We agree that my husband, the much more social and organized of the two of us, was/is "Honors," and in many things more advanced than I.

My son is likely a combination, though it is difficult for me, as a parent, to anticipate whether he leans more to the G/T side or not. I would like to think so, in part because it would explain the laziness--G/T students require a different kind of motivation and give up if they feel something is not worth their while (I know), but there are few opportunities for me to observe such things. I tried, therefore, to have my son tested during the testing period last school year (roughly March or April 2007), at the end of 4th grade. However, since he was out of the school system, he was tested instead at the beginning of this year. The test consisted of the Iowa Test of Basic Skills (a pretty "standard" standardized test--ha ha--that he took in 3rd grade with good results) and a Cognitive Abilities Test, of which I know little. In addition, I filled out an extensive questionnaire about personality traits that we have noticed. Unfortunately, his scores were very low. Not below the 50th percentile, but lower than I would have expected. I received a form letter with his scores and an empty promise that there would be other enrichment opportunities, yada yada, blah blah blah. Naturally, I questioned. And expressed my doubts that there would be any other opportunity for challenge, since there is no acknowledgment of advanced abilities in the classroom. The reply came today.

And the basic problem is that this school district sees G/T testing as a matter of knowledge rather than innate ability (or potential to learn) and critical thinking. The ITBS test he took was the one normally administered at the end of 6th grade. So as a beginning 5th grader, he was expected to score above 96% of the students who take the test--students who, unlike my son, have had the benefit of the 5th and 6th grade curricula! This, of, course, explained why his scores seemed artificially low. Rather than testing for innate ability, he was being tested on concepts--and the jump from 4th grade to the end of 6th is considerable. So unless I or his previous school had been teaching him on an advanced level already, which I/they were not doing, he would have had no chance of passing the test.

The teacher administering the test made it clear that I was the one who requested the testing be done at the beginning of the year rather than wait until the Spring. Well, yes, as I wanted him to have the benefit of a challenge this year rather than wait until 6th grade. Why shouldn't I? Should I be willing to squander another year of his already disappointing education while I wait for the standard testing period? Apparently, yes. You see, this admonition had the sound of an admission that the testing for in-district students was easier than for transfers from another school district. After all, they are tested one year in advance of where they are. In March of this year, my son was in 4th, and would likely have been given the 5th grade test. However, in September of this year, he is in 5th grade, and therefore (without the benefit of another years' education) was given the 6th grade test. So he is handicapped from the beginning, fails the test, and I look like another quack parent who can't accept that her child is not as smart as she thinks. And on top of that, I get a lecture on the different between a "percentage" and a "percentile." Because no one who didn't major in education can possibly understand that difference!

So she directs my above-average, not-being-challenged, finishes-all-of-his-homework-in-class child to optional after school "clubs" like the "Scrabble" club. My response: that I expect the education to occur during school hours. My conclusion: education is a battle. No matter where you go. If you are a parent who cares, that is, or has high standards. At least there is orchestra.

Homeschoolers: Chalk all of this up to another reason to continue what you are doing.

Laundry and Wives' Tales--UPDATED

So this is the weekend I've had slotted for a while to unpack & wash baby items. I have most of my baby clothes present & accounted for, some of the dingier things from my son (that I did not find until we were moving) have soaked, and the first batch is in the wash. The "washing baby clothes" is perceived by some as "nesting"--at least, that's what my mom told me with the last one. Well, she was right. . . I did have her within 3-4 days, though only at 37 weeks or so (I suspect I was more like 38 weeks). However, it tends to feel more like a rational decision than an impulsive burst of energy, so I just don't know. Tonight, I bought a new Sterilite drawer unit for the clothes. Plastic drawers are pretty standard for my newborns!

So I'm 37 weeks, and I feel that the preparations should begin.

Meanwhile, my husband (who had already washed most of the other clothes in the house in order to make way for my baby clothes washing) evaluated the situation with carseats. My daughter is now behind the driver's seat, the new baby will be in the middle, and my son will be behind the passenger--except that I have declared him an adult for airbag purposes, and decided that he may now sit in the front when my husband is not with us. He's taller and heavier than some adults, even though he is 10 and not 12. He takes adult doses of medicine (at least, he could, but I am a medicine minimalist and would prefer to give him the age-appropriate dose if it does the trick!!). The original plan was to put the toddler seat in the middle, but the infant seat did not fit well behind the driver's seat and our vehicle has side-impact airbags. With the infant seat so close to the door, it just didn't feel safe to me. Big brother is behind the passenger because of the carpool line at his school--someone is always trying to help my toddler out of the car to go to 5th grade.

This doesn't feel like nesting to me, as I've said, but a funny thing happened tonight when we went to eat supper (out, a rare treat these days). I have been craving fresh tomatoes for 2 days, but on our way to get sandwiches or pitas (with extra tomato, please!), I decided that chinese food sounded good. Once inside the restaurant, nothing would satisfy but the spiciest darned thing on the menu--which they made extra spicy: Jjambbong. Ask Mrs. Darwin, she knows!! It's a Korean soup with seafood, pork, veggies, round noodles, and some pretty spicy peppers. Almost as soon as I ordered, I remembered that eating spicy foods is one of those old "tricks" that supposedly stimulates labor. At any rate, it's traditional to try that route when overdue. Most of my brain (the rational part, which I hope dominates at least most of the time) feels confident that this is a myth--though not one the Mythbusters will test any time soon. The irrational part of me was perhaps a little hesitant to dip into my soup-of-flaming-chiles. I am fairly confident that the baby comes when the baby is ready--spicy food or no spicy food. But if the baby decided to be ready tonight or tomorrow, I would wonder. . . I'm not really ready, so hang on baby, and I'll put the Tabasco away!!

UPDATE: Probably by sheer coincidence, I had my very first REAL, NATURAL contraction last night--as in, too painful to be a Braxton-Hicks, and not induced by pitocin. Now, this is somewhat encouraging. On the other hand, it scared me silly!! Both the pain and the fact of the thing which, by my calculation, should not be happening yet. I stayed stock-still in bed until morning because I didn't want to do anything to trigger more. I am telling myself that I would have handled it better in daylight hours. And had I not written this post about stimulating labor only hours before. . .

Firsts and Seconds

Well, last night my little girl made me very proud. She found a rubber band and brought it to me and said something to me, bent her head down and felt her hair--clearly, to me, a request for a ponytail!!! So I found an actual hair band and put her hair in the cutest little ponytail!! Then I chased her around the house to get this picture:Now, her momma has very long hair (without effort--it just grows & I don't cut it, so it's laziness and convenience to me, not something I cultivate!!) and puts it up in braids & ponytails a lot (and something I call a "bloop"), so I was looking forward to doing some hair-stuff, but her hair is very fine & wispy, and I haven't yet had the chance. (Her brother got my hair!) Anyway, this ponytail made me very happy, though it was a little lopsided.

Today was her second birthday, and we had a very small party--two friends, one with three children and one with one, and my brother, who had a rare break from work. And a whole balloon bouquet! It was a lot of fun. I was able to indulge in my penchant for decorating with cute pumpkin and ghost decorations, baking with funfetti cake mix and making things from the Cheerios cookbook. Fun stuff!

And just so you appreciate how difficult it was for me to get that ponytail picture:

Things I've Been Thinking About (September Edition)

I realize my posts have been rather slim lately. That's because I've primarily been focused on the dissertation (I'm almost finished the D. H. Lawrence chapter, which will leave only 2 chapters to go--yay!!), the class I'm teaching (we have been discussing Rossetti's "Goblin Market," which is a fun one--they truly enjoy it, which is rare), anything I might want to finish sewing before the new baby comes, and generally staying on top of cooking and cleaning (things I rarely do, but I've been cooking in a renewed effort to economize and by "cleaning" I mean keeping up with tidiness on a day-to-day basis--or almost). You might call it extended nesting. I've been very domestic. :P I'm also a little concerned about the fact that my son wants a Wii for Christmas and there's very little chance that "Santa" will be able to find one. :( At least by itself rather than in a "bundle" for $540. (Lest you think I routinely buy my son $250 Christmas presents, I don't. It would be a "family" present--for ALL of us!--and never the first year out! Generally I wait for prices to go down on game systems, so maybe in 2009. . .)

So what other lofty thoughts have been going through this mind? Well, I'll tell you. . .

1) Harry Potter -- I recently read The Half-Blood Prince when my son checked it out from the school library. I feel slightly guilty about that. I have an ongoing problem with Rowling, and since I have not really seen this one articulated, I will mention it in brief. Basically, it's the goodness or evilness (?) of a given character, and how this personality trait is determined. While Rowling ostensibly resists determinism by giving lip service to how one character could have easily substituted for Harry as the "chosen one," it's not believable. Characters do not really seem to be counted good or evil according to their actions. Whether Harry does good or evil (let's call it "bad," since he is never quite allowed to do evil, just cheating, dark arts spells and the like, which nevertheless go beyond the antics of Fred & George), he is untouchably good. Whether Snape does good or evil, Dumbledore trusts him implicitly, yet the reader is constantly encouraged to judge him as evil (a fact that has bugged me since book 2--I know, I'll read the last book, but the inconsistency is the point). No matter what a Malfoy might do, he's evil (and a little snot, to boot). And yet we are kind of expected to see people as defined by their actions--well, unless you count the bad things that James and Sirius did. Hmmm. . . Well, this Good or Evil predestination or determinism rather comes to a head in Voldemort, who not only does bad things, he is genetically determined to be evil, being last of Slytherin's line and the product of serious inbreeding, a half-blood at that (and resents it) and is raised in an orphanage so he doesn't know nurturing (which means his Slytherin traits really are inbred and not the product of upbringing). Basically, there was never an opportunity for Tom Riddle to say, "You know, I don't think I'll be evil today." And you know what? I find that disturbing.

2) My family is outgrowing our vehicle and our bed. How to fit 2 carseats and a 10-year old in the backseat of a Hyundai Tuscon? Not a clue. And what exactly will we do when a newborn wants to nurse in bed with Momma while a toddler wants to climb in bed for an hour or so? (The bed is a queen and Momma and Daddy aren't really small people.) No, the correct answer isn't turn the toddler out of bed. My husband has speculated that he will be sleeping on the futon in the living room. I don't see that happening. After all, he & I squeezed in a twin with our son when he was a month or so old (long story)! We were arguably a lot smaller then--I know I was, at least!! The toddler bed is making things a lot better, but she still has nights when she isn't comfortable for one reason or another--sometimes gas, sometimes hunger, sometimes overtired or not enough exercise. Who knows? She might go back in her bed more often if I had the inclination to lug 30 lbs. of sleeping toddler across the room, but really, the belly's getting to be enough to carry around! I did read an interesting Mothering article about having a toddler sleep with you--you can find it here. I don't personally like to force young children to sleep in their own beds--or their own rooms. As I see it, they still need us for a while. And if the Von Trapp children hadn't run into Maria's room when they were scared of the storm, we wouldn't have "A Few of Our Favorite Things"!

3) Braxton-Hicks. Lots of them. I don't remember them making it hard to walk. Is this O.K. at this stage?? I realize they get more noticeable each pregnancy, but geez!!

4) Applying for jobs. One in particular. At a Catholic college in Indiana in the middle of nowhere (as far as I can tell). High course load, but it sounds pretty flexible. I could probably end up teaching all over the board--not getting pigeonholed and not teaching theory instead of lit. I can teach theory, but I don't want it to be the focus of my teaching, which means I should go somewhere where I won't have to teach grad students--not really something I feel the need to do anyway. I'm not sure I see the appeal. I mean, really--I wouldn't want to teach someone like me!! ;) But I'm not going to worry about job apps much. I'd love to have a job next year, but I need to do what I'm doing right now without any more distraction than absolutely necessary, and I won't be able to go to major national conference meat market this year anyway (no great loss to my mind).

5) Something morbid (and potentially judgmental) about motherhood in Texas, but I don't really want to write about it or speculate on it. I did once comment to someone--many years ago--that crimes seemed weirder in Texas, or more extreme, or something, and the sheer list of occurrences cited here seems to substantiate that. But the scope of crimes has gotten so weird anyway that I don't know if I would have made that observation today.

6) I love Crocs!!!-- And I'm not terribly worried about them making news recently. We have reached a point recently where each member of the family has a pair of genuine Crocs (imitations can't come close!) and I boast 3 pair. I barely wear anything else. Especially pregnant, and especially since they have relatively "feminine" styles--I don't have the "garden variety" clog (ha ha). But consider this:

According to reports appearing across the United States and as far away as Singapore and Japan, entrapments occur because of two of the biggest selling points of shoes like Crocs: their flexibility and grip. Some report the shoes get caught in the "teeth" at the bottom or top of the escalator, or in the crack between the steps and the side of the escalator.

The reports of serious injuries have all involved young children. Crocs are commonly worn by children as young as 2.

Yup, my baby has a cute little pair of Mary Jane Crocs. But I ask you--which is more unnatural? Having a baby (or even a young child) walk on an escalator (people have gotten stuck in those things before Crocs!), or having her feet wrapped in flexible material that molds to her feet and doesn't restrict her movement? She has yet to have a pair of "traditional" shoes. Because you know what? Bare foot is natural, and soft shoes are the next best thing!!

7) Frequently, I'm thinking about sleep or caffeine. . . Or the fact that my baby will be the first of 3 to be born caffeine-addicted (only by comparison to the other 2). This probably explains why I seem to be unable to come up with anything else I've been thinking about. Bed time!! But anyway, apart from the tired, I've been feeling really well, and I've been better able to keep up with everything that's going on lately than during the entire pregnancy. I'm feeling a bit unwieldy (I'm carrying this baby a bit oddly), but feeling good about where I am right now!

Toddler Bed Safety!!

We've been wanting to move the little one to a toddler bed for a while. The original plan was to gradually transition her into the room with her brother by having her nap in his old toddler bed during the day. This didn't work for several reasons. First, I just forgot on most days. I was always afraid that instead of coming out of the room right away, she would climb to the top of the bunk bed. And, well, for night time, the room where her brother sleeps is just too darned far away. Her brother slept in our room until he was about 4 years old, at which time he moved into a room adjoining ours. I still would prefer for him to be closer in case he needs us. So having her in the front bedroom (which, incidently, is closer to the front door), is really out of the question. Failing that, we moved on to a second plan, which involved moving our son's old toddler bed--a very nice, non-character shaped, non-race-car, Step 2 plastic model--into the space occupied by her crib. Unfortunately, it was too bulky for the space, which is right next to my husband's side of the bed. So we had to buy a new toddler bed, which we did figuring that at some point it is very likely that we will have both little girls in toddler beds at the same time.

So Wednesday evening we bought another toddler bed (we already had 2 mattresses, one a crib-sized futon) and assembled it. However, it only has 1/2 rail. I was paranoid the entire night that she would fall out--with the added concern that my husband would step on her in the night!! Periodically, I would wake up and scoot her legs back on the bed. Twice, I found her kneeling on the body pillow I put on the floor with her head on the bed, soundly asleep. Then it happened: clunk--waaaaaah! She was still mostly asleep, but she was on the floor, legs on the body pillow, head just a little bit under our bed, which is a platform bed. She couldn't go too far, because unfortunately, the under-bed area is storage (contrary to the effect of a platform bed, which is clean and sleek). Her brother never fell out of his toddler bed (and he moved into the toddler bed much earlier, since he didn't really have a crib, just a large Pack-n-play with a mattress), but he might have been a calmer sleeper!! So I scooped her off the floor, comforted her & tucked her back in. My husband can be an extraordinarily sound sleeper. The rest of the night was relatively uneventful, except that brother had a rare nosebleed and wound up sleeping on the futon in the living room to avoid climbing up & down his ladder if it should recur.

Now, the toddler is quite taken with the toddler bed--with both of them, actually, or any bed that she can climb into and cover herself. So yesterday, she was playing in it and decided to put her covers over her head. I'm not sure exactly what happened--it happened too fast--but somehow her mouth met with the wooden backboard, resulting in a pretty badly busted lip, a miserable toddler, and a lot of blood. And when she gets hurt, she most emphatically does not want to have it looked at or tended to. I managed a wet rag with an ice cube in her mouth for about 5 non-consecutive seconds, but that's it. Eventually, she settled down and fell asleep. I had to scoot her legs back on the bed a couple of times, but she didn't fall off during her nap.

Last night, she stayed relatively still. I scooted her legs in the bed once or twice; she woke up once & climbed in bed with us for an hour or two; I put her back. Then, at about 6:40, I awoke and looked over in the bed--no toddler!! So I walked around, and there she was--on the body pillow, on the floor, curled up, fast asleep. My thought is that rather than falling out, she scooted out gradually without waking. I woke my husband & pointed to the empty bed, which surprised him, and the baby on the floor--right where he steps to get out of bed!

So now I'm trying to think of a solution to this. There are no bedrails designed to fit in so small a space. I'll likely have to make something, but I am, of course, concerned with safety. Something that velcros to the footboard and side rail, goes under the mattress and fastens on the other side should work. Hmmm. . .

Any suggestions?

So Much to Do. . .

. . .And so little time!

Blogging is likely to be limited in August. I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed knowing that the baby is coming in 13--that is, THIRTEEN--weeks, that the fall semester starts on August 27th--only 3 weeks away--that my son starts school on the same day the semester starts, that once the semester actually starts, I will have NO TIME AT ALL for baby preparations.

Monday I start childbirth classes. There are many worries associated with that. I have wanted a natural childbirth both times so far, adn both times I was optimistic. Unfortunately, both times I have had my water break (or leak) with no contractions, and had to have pitocin, which effectively eliminates the "natural" part. It is my opinion that to have pitocin (at least at the levels at which it was administered to me) necessitates the epidural. So my fear is, what if my contractions come naturally and they are just as bad as the pitocin and I've been fooling myself that the reason I couldn't handle the pain was because of the pitocin? There are plenty of reasons to think that the assumption that the reason I couldn't handle the pain was because of the pitocin is correct, but in the wise words of the nurse midwife (whom I decided not to continue to see for appointments), "Labor hurts." Gee, thanks. I thought all of that pain management stuff was just for fun. And after all, I've never done this before. But she felt the need to tell me that her labors were CERTAINLY as bad as a labor with pitocin. That's what you get from a midwife who is former military.

I've been trying to get a lot of things done that I "saved" for after the move and the summer semester. I made myself a baby sling (the type with rings). Yesterday, I finished a nursing top that was modified from a regular McCalls pattern--not sure how it will work; I may still need to adjust some things. I am working on a combination purse/diaper bag to coordinate with the sling, but the pattern is disappointing and I have to modify it to make it what I really want it to be. And there are more projects I would like to complete before the semester starts: a nursing "twinset," two nursing dresses, a dress for my toddler to coordinate with the twinset, a play quilt for the new baby, a maternity top I started ages ago but couldn't finish because I didn't have enough fabric (misleading directions). Sewing--especially modifying projects--takes a lot of mental effort. And when I get started on a project I'm excited about, it pretty much consumes me. Even when I'm not actually working on the project, it preys on my mind--thinking about the pattern directions, wondering the best way to accomplish any modifications I have in mind. . . It can really be absorbing!

Then, there are the other things I need to do: I need to register my son for school, procure a cello for him for the fall, figure out why financial aid hasn't posted my loan, finalize my syllabus, set up my course site on Moodle (once the darned administrator sets up the course for me) and oh yeah! finish a chapter on D. H. Lawrence. Whoopee!! Needless to say, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. I'm drinking more and more caffeine every day. At some moment--sometimes multiple moments--every day, I have to face this choice: drink caffeine to try to stay awake & get things done, or nap. Sometimes the nap wins, but not often.

Best not to think about it too much, though. The hormones kick in, and it's downhill from there! The dissertation is going O.K. these days. Steady. Not really satisfying work, but it seems that that's what "middles" look like--the inspiring part is over, and you just need to continue to plod through & make your case. I find plodding rather difficult. Oh well!

I guess we'll call this early nesting. I know I won't have time for it later, but such is life!

Today's Surprises

1) I was surprised today that I had no fewer than 4 text messages from my mom when I turned on my phone after Mass.

2) My mom was surprised today by a representative from her mortgage company trying to change the locks on her house--she made him go away for now. . .

3) I was surprised that my favorite yummy pizza buffet place has raised their prices. We used to get a lunch buffet for $4.25. Now, it's $8.00. :(

4) I was surprised today to learn that a friend of mine from high school Speech & Debate is running for Louisiana State Representative. Well okay, not too surprised. But I was surprised when he offered to help my mom find a job if he could!

5) I was surprised today when asked in the grocery store by my son's former Religious Education teacher, from whom I had taken Communion only hours earlier, if this baby was going to be my last. I think I surprised both of us when I said, "And what kind of a Catholic would I be if I said 'yes'?"

6) I was surprised to learn that Chris has given me an award! (More on that later.) I was even more surprised, given what the award was, to find out that it was given to him!!

7) I have been surprised all weekend by the number of responses on Jen's post on ambitious women and staying at home. I was surprised to find myself in agreement with the anonymous poster that caused Jen to disallow anonymous posts. I was also surprised to find myself defending stay-at-home moms from the accusation that they were trying to find company in their misery. No really, I was surprised by that! I was not too surprised to see the conversation devolve into the "you think you know what's best for everyone" type of dialogue. That kind of thing just happens too often.

8) I was surprised not to be able to think of 3 more surprising things. I really wanted to make it 10. . .

9) I wasn't really surprised when my husband went on a cleaning spree. He does that kind of thing from time to time--much more often than I do.

10) I was surprised when he hurt a muscle cleaning and said it was divine retribution because I'm not fulfilling my womanly role. You see, I've been telling him about Jen's post! ;)

Lucky 7 and Toddler Tales

I realized something interesting today. Thinking of the birthdays in my immediate family, I realized that all but one of our birth years will have 7s in them: 1971, 1977, 1997 (my son), 2005 (my daughter), 2007 (new baby!). Now, biology being what it is, I'm assuming we will have additional children without 7s in the years. Technically, it should still be possible for me to have a baby in 2017. . .

In other news, my baby girl likes foot rubs. Yup--you read that correctly. I have an overindulged toddler. A few nights ago, I noticed some peeling skin on her feet--probably from swimming. So I got out the Baby Aveeno lotion and rubbed some on her feet. When I was finished, she picked up the tube of lotion, handed it back to me, and stuck out her foot. So I did it again. Ever since that night, every time she finds the Aveeno, she brings it to someone and sticks out her foot!! :) It's very cute. Tonight my brother was visiting (the second-to-youngest, who is 19) and she offered him the Aveeno and foot! He was very amused, and obliged her. I think we've set a bad precedent!

Prayer Request Update

I learned a little while ago that my mom and brother have returned safely to New Orleans, but that the house is much, much worse than feared, with moldy ceilings falling down or sagging in most rooms and saturated carpets. On a suggestion that someone emailed to me (thank you for your thoughtfulness!), I have put a button on the side of the blog in case anyone would like to or be able to make a donation that I could send to her to help out. Anything would be appreciated, prayers most of all!! Thanks to those who have already offered their prayers.

I'm so tired of having to explain myself

Has anybody considered that staying home with one's children is actually a luxury? I'm sure some have, and in some places it is actually a marker of status to be a stay-at-home mom. But the reason I ask this now is because while stay-at-home moms may have plenty of people to answer to--strangers, perhaps, or well-meaning family members who feel compelled to give advice about finances or the children's or mother's well-being, these people do not have any authority over them. There is no one to expect an explanation of why they have not performed up to the standards by which these things are judged. And you know what? Having to explain myself does not really lend itself to a good working attitude.

I have not possessed a good working attitude--except sporadically--for many years. I was not crazy about staying at this university for the Ph.D. because I knew that the course offerings were not what I wanted from a Ph.D. program. I stayed because I didn't get in to the other places to which I applied that time around, because it was convenient, as my husband had just entered an M.A. program, and because it was familiar. Oh yes, and because two people I respected shook my hand and said they'd like to see me stay. That's it. I was never even considered for a fellowship, as those are reserved for people who they lure here from elsewhere, since students from elsewhere are certainly better for the program than those who are already here. Speaks volumes about their opinion of their own program, no? Anyway, it has been non-stop drudgery since then because my heart has never been in it the same way it was at first, except for little moments along the way. But what does one do? Not a thing. I have applied for jobs sporadically without luck, and since my daughter was born, that doesn't even seem like much of an option because I don't want to relegate her to full-time child care, as I've mentioned before. I stick with it at this point because I have no choice, because I am our hope for any future we might conceivably have at this point that does not include this university, and because being in grad school is more convenient from a family perspective than a full-time job. End of story. Any enthusiasm you may have noted along the way is purely coincidental.

So what, you might ask, is the occasion for the rant? The return of the dissertation director from his vacation. You know, the same dissertation director who advises other grad students not to get married & become pregnant. And don't get me started on vacations. The last time I had a vacation was when I went to Disney World with my family when I was 6 years old. Otherwise, vacations are making the best of something I have to do anyway and can't really afford, like a conference or a campus visit to a university I was planning to attend when my son was 2.

So no, I have not performed as expected. I'm not a trained poodle, I'm a person who pretty much meets her own needs rather than having them provided by my trainer (furthering the poodle metaphor, here, and alluding to my need for the assistantship, not implying anything more sinister). And on top of that, I am responsible for other people. Why have I not done more? Let me count the reasons. But of course, there are countless others against whom I can be measured. They all perform as expected. Shall I enumerate the differences? You know, the not wanting or affording the child care option? Having, in fact, more children? And only one car between all of us? Health, a move, extended family, stress, burnout? Being further along in the first place and having to write the darned dissertation, which is what causes people so many problems without the extenuating circumstances? No, better not. What's the point, after all?