Who am I?

 Here I am at the beginning of another blog reboot, this time returning to my roots. Sort of. It's hard, after all, to return to a mindset and sense of purpose (or a place where you didn't need a sense of purpose) after, oh... 14 years. I actually had to look that up--it feels much longer. But I am returning to my first blog. It feels appropriate, once again, to write under the label of "Words, Words" rather than trying to define myself more specifically. I may still branch off a little. I've picked up a bit of a romance novel habit that some of my blog friends may not be interested in--nay, may find distasteful. And "Booknotes from Literacy-chic," which I intend to keep up, doesn't quite feel like the right place, either. But I'll probably keep this as the hub. In the meantime, I rolled another blog that never really got off the ground, but had some interesting snapshots from a former workplace, into this one. I've decided that I was compartmentalizing a bit too much. It's not really who I am.

"Who am I?" indeed.

Identity is a strange question, isn't it? Much stranger than when I first started blogging in January 2007. I'm not really here to introduce myself, rather, I want to sort through the things that make up my life right now, in 2021.

Things that are the same (but different), in alphabetical order:

• Catholicism

I am still Catholic. Of course. But I am not the fresh convert that I once was, working to arrange my life according to Church teachings. Surprise! Do Church teachings still exercise influence in my life? Of course. Are these influences as powerful and compelling as they used to be? Sadly, no. This is perhaps for the better, since I don't argue and agonize about them as I once did. But my Catholic faith is still an important part of who I am. At least, I think so. These days I mainly concern myself with what parishes are not doing to prevent the spread of COVID-19, and our mass attendance is through YouTube.

• Family

Need it be said? Family is still one of the most important things to me. My oldest, now 24, is still at home, and we love this. He's completing his B.A. this year after a challenging educational journey that has more to do with finances than anything. He is also working alongside me at my workplace, but I don't expect to say much about that. My two daughters, 13 and 15, are in 8th and 11th grade, respectively. Last Spring (2020) they went online by mandate, and in 2020-2021, we found one of the best online schools in the country and decided to stick with it for 2021-2022. I have a husband with a solid academic career in libraries that I alternately support and resent, mostly at the same time. But I'm proud of him and I love him and I'm so happy that I have him. We're coming up to our 25th wedding anniversary next year. I still have a mother and brother who I worry about, and 4 other siblings with whom I have limited contact--in one case more, in another case, none at all.

• Reading

Books are still a large part of my life. What I read has shifted drastically as well as, shall we say, how I use books. There's a lot more escapist reading and a lot less literary snobbery in my life, although I am still particular, and selective. I still post to my Booknotes blog occasionally, when something strikes me, but less analytical posts may wind up here. I may also start a romance reading blog.

• Sewing

I still sew when the mood takes me. I made some masks. I make clothing sometimes with variable success. I started a blog long ago that I thought would be devoted to sewing, but working through frustrations with patterns publicly just didn't seem the best use of my time. I may post about sewing here sometimes. We'll see.

• Writing

This may also go without being said? I come back to writing at times. It never leaves me, though sometimes I leave it for a time. I was writing a dissertation when I started (except that I had to give up blogging for Lent in order to actually finish the dissertation). Now, I have a book project that I'm not working on. The more things change...

Things that are new:

• Academia

Academia is not a part of my life. This is new. I may still have some thoughts on it from time to time, but I am out, and besides the resentment that it had to be like this, I am fine with it. It is no longer a place where I feel I belong.

• Art

In short, I do more of it now! Not currently, but periodically. It started with Inktober, which I'm not linking to for reasons. I don't need controversy, and I don't actually care about other people's angst on the topic; it was a neat idea. I wound up rediscovering (in 2015, if memory serves) that I can draw fairly well, and I enjoy doing so. When I was out of work in 2018-19, I developed a comic. A small sampling of the comic and my most recent partial Inktober efforts can be found here. Well, that's embarrassing. It seems that the posts I had scheduled to roll out one by one did not. <<cue mass posting>>

• COVID-19

This is a part of who everyone is these days, isn't it? I don't know that I'll have a lot to say about it, but who knows? My girls are in an online school; our workplaces are operating as conservatively as possible. My son will have to attend classes in person, but he will be masked and is vaccinated, as we all are. We all still have our fears and anxieties, but we're coping so far.

•  Crochet

Crochet is my "lockdown skill." I had a grandmother and an aunt who did (very different) crochet, and last year, 2nd daughter and I taught ourselves. My house now has a lot more yarn.

• Exercise

Okay, one of my first ever blog posts was about yoga, and the blog I merged with this one had a post about exercise, but maybe it wasn't a huge part of my life and blog in the past. It is now. Mainly because it has to be. Which brings us to...

• Health

Oh, where to begin? Some of this was already surfacing with the "rolled in" blog. I need to be aware of blood pressure and cholesterol, the former is currently under control to good effect and after much trial and error. I'm wondering whether some things I'm experiencing signal perimenopause. I have some issues with my joints--outer hips, lower back, right ankle--and a lot of anxiety about health issues. My husband has issues with blood pressure (under control), cholesterol (not), and blood sugar (with type-2 diabetes in the family and a "get the numbers down" kind of ultimatum). The kids are fine, but could be more active, particularly being at home more.

• (No More) Babies 

My early blogging days were filled with pregnancy and breastfeeding and other concerns related to babies. These experiences are no longer part of my life. For a few brief weeks in January 2020, we thought there might be another baby. This was not to be. Given the events of the year and my anxiety about the whole thing, this is probably for the best. There's a brief reflection on the experience here. I may make reference to this happening some time. 

• Pens and Inks

While it is true that I have used fountain pens sporadically over the past 20 years or so, this is a hobby/practice that blossomed during the pandemic with my discovery of the wonders of shimmery ink! It is very possible that I may write about this in the future.

• Publishing

Publishing is part of my life because it's my job. I have a book contract, but I'm not currently working on the book. Maybe that part of publishing will resurface in my life. 

• Teaching Certification

This is something I'm seriously considering. So seriously that I've submitted an application to a post-baccalaureate certification program, which will have part of its tuition covered because of my employment with the university. I'm not sure teaching high school will be feasible or enjoyable. But it's an option, and options are important.

• Television

I usually don't include TV in my blogging. I don't watch what anyone else watches. But the shows I do watch, I've been really captivated by. They might pop up. They include:

• The Secret History of the British Garden with Monty Don
• Hidden Villages with Penelope Keith
• Penelope Keith's Village of the Year
• Wartime Farm
• Edwardian Farm
• Tudor Farm
• Victorian Farm
• Wainwright Walks

If I ever make it to England for a holiday, I will almost certainly not visit the urban centers.

• Work

Work has been a problem. It wasn't such a problem when I started, mainly because I was a graduate student who only had to worry about one class at a time--if that--in addition to whatever scholarship I was supposed to be working on. Kind of changes things to have to work full time, you know? But the blog that I recently merged with this one was a real attempt to come to terms with the kind of work I was doing (technology training) in relation to the kind of work I was trained to do (academic teaching and scholarship). The blog didn't last and neither did the career. What did last was the sense of dissatisfaction, and, at times, utter despair. Jealousy--that my husband has the more interesting job where he is respected, where he learns things and talks about intellectual things, and my knowledge that it can also be a complete pain and inconvenience for all of us: these are all included, too. My blog posts have never concealed my deficits. Usually, I reveal them in painful detail. And my relationship to my work and to his work is an area that is... fraught. 

• Word Limits?

I don't have one in mind, but I'm putting this out there. A few limitations might help me to actually post regularly, and might prevent people from being bored before the end.

So if not who I am, this is where I am. The earlier question is something I'm trying to work out all the time.

Cheers!

Working is like Exercise for Me

I came to this conclusion yesterday, at the end of the long weekend, after an unexpected holiday on Friday for the hurricane that went away east. Because for 3 weeks I've been pretty well into the swing of things, managing to get the course prep done, grading a reasonable number of things, and enjoying the classroom dynamic. Admittedly, I'm getting worn down a bit from always being on the go. I have classes to teach 5 days a week, just like in the summer, except that in the summer I gave them Fridays off, and it was only 1 class, not 2. Having 2 classes makes it easy in a way--I don't have to come up with material for one class to fill 5 days' worth of discussion/lectures/activities. On the other hand, when I'm finished with teaching one course, it's time to turn around and work on the next one for the next day. This would be more of a pain if I was less familiar with the material. Although I am teaching from a new syllabus for composition, I have taught composition a hundred times. So I have activities ready-made that I can slip in as necessary. Also, there is a set of ready-made lesson plans to go along with the standard syllabus, though I have problems with some of the examples used, which introduce bias into the discussion in a way that has potential to be used well or poorly. Teaching children's lit similarly requires less prep than it did over the summer, though the classroom dynamic--35 students instead of 10--is vastly different and does not lend itself to the same kinds of activities. Many of my students come from education, and have a very different way of thinking about children's literature, so I have to steer them almost constantly away from the, "This is a good book because it can work well in a classroom in this way. . ." and try to induce them to think about it as literature, not as a prop for teaching. Also, spending the same number of class periods on a topic, but having those class periods spread over 2-3 weeks instead of concentrated in a single week gives everyone the feeling of going nowhere fast. And it's getting depressing. So I'm looking forward to moving on to poetry. But I'm feeling a little discouraged all the same.

So how is working like exercise? Well, when I'm in the middle of it, in the "swing of things," so to speak, I feel pretty excited & good about what I'm doing. It energizes me. After a good class, I'm on a kind of "high." I talk about the class for hours. My husband gets sick of hearing about it! ;) But when I'm away from it, even for a long weekend, especially if I have unexpectedly "gotten out of" teaching for one day, it feels impossible to get back into it. The same thing happens to me with exercise. The same thing happens to me with research and writing. It's why the dissertation seemed to drag--I spent more time dreading the work than actually working on it. Even blogging is like this for me--if I've missed checking on blogs for a number of days, it feels like a huge task to get back into them, even though I know I enjoy it!!

I know this is not the case with exercise, though it can be time consuming, but one of the things that research, teaching, and blogging share is a huge commitment of mental energy. Answering emails is the same. I know, quite often, that if I let myself get started with a blog or an email, I will keep going until it's done, expending a great deal of mental energy and becoming engrossed for hours at a time sometimes. So sometimes, I prefer not to start. Research and writing are similar--the mental effort is considerable, the time commitment is significant, and there doesn't ever seem to be an ideal time to start. Truthfully, sewing is the same for me. When I start a project, I want to know that I can finish the project in a reasonable amount of time--a few days, usually. And that means from cutting out the fabric to pressing the finished item. If I leave something just slightly unfinished, I hate to go back to it. Doodle has a jumper without loops to hold the loose ends of the shoulder straps, and a dress that needs a hook-and-eye above the zipper to look "finished"--minor details, and not very time consuming, but if I haven't gotten the details finished with the rest of the garment, I don't want to go back. I would rather start something new. And if I put a project aside earlier--watch out!! I have to force myself, trick myself, reward myself with the prospect of starting the thing I really want to work on--or it never gets done.

Looking over this, it seems like I have a strange combination of procrastination, obsessive-compulsive tendencies, and perfectionism--the kind of crippling perfectionism that leads one to avoid starting the project for fear of being engrossed in details. I never completed an incomplete because I couldn't find the "perfect" topic to write about. I had set pretty high standards with another paper for the same professor, and didn't want to fall short. So I couldn't do it. The mental block was huge. I think I stopped writing poetry because I stopped thinking that my ideas were poem-worthy--I rather got out of that way of seeing the world.

I got over this to a degree with the dissertation. Remember Dori from Finding Nemo? She sang, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. . ." Eventually, I just had to force myself to keep writing, reminding myself that my mediocre writing was usually sufficient for the job I was trying to get done. Teaching has its built-in motivation, thank goodness. The students will keep coming, the semester continues to progress. I can't just stop and dread what needs to be done. Then there will be good days, and I will think, "How is it that I dreaded this so much?" I will go the library to do my archival research and return home excited by all of the ideas that I have had while reading and try to hold on to that enthusiasm until the next week. It's about rhythm, really. It's about routine. Like exercise. But I never can stick with it, somehow. . .

Chicken Dress!!

I finished it last night, and Doodle wore it to Mass this morning. Unfortunately, she wasn't feeling good and developed a fever midway through Mass, so her cute exterior concealed a crummy-feeling interior. Poor Doodle!

Less anonymous pics are on the family blog, here!

NOTE: I wanted to add a note about the family blog--I keep pictures of my daughters fairly closely guarded online, so the family blog (above) is not open to the public--sorry for that! BUt thanks for visiting and looking at my version of this very cute dress! :)

Too Tired to Post, Too Busy to Read

Everything is going very well, but in every free moment during the week, I'm prepping to teach or getting things settled with the family. On MWF, Doodle has been in our parish's Child Development Center from 9:30-2:30. Today was our third day, and things are going well. I wasn't too sure until today about her teacher, who is very hard to "read," but today I got a better "feel" for her dynamic with Doodle in particular, and it put me at ease quite a bit. It's really not a lot of time for her to be away--by the time I'm finished teaching, it's just about time to pick her up! Still not sure where she'll be for the fall, but I've got a few weeks. It depends on the potty training situation, which is going well. We have largely overcome the fear of the toilet flushing underneath her, mainly by taking it slowly. Accidents are minimal these days. That's quite a relief. On the days when Doodle is at the CDC, Chiclette and big brother (BB) are with my husband at work--one little 8-month-old doesn't cause too much of a disruption--for about 2 hours, give or take. On Tuesdays, they all stay home with my youngest sister to watch them, and on Thursdays they are with a friend, playing with her 3! They always have fun when they're together. BB is a big brother to all of them--and is introducing her 5-year-old to Pokemon!

I'm enjoying teaching children's lit. I am teaching it like a cross between "children's literature criticism & theory" and an intro to lit or genre course. I find myself covering some of the same ground as intro to lit because they just haven't had the stuff. It's a small class, which is good, and I will be able to do some more tweaking for the fall. We have covered a general intro to children's lit, including a "how critics talk about this stuff," then talked about picture books and alphabets. Next is verse. The Norton Anthology is good, but leaves a lot of room for supplementation. You know, picture books get heavy when you carry enough of them!!

I'm starting to think that this is really what I want to do--to teach children's lit, fantasy, science fiction--all of that marginal stuff that doesn't get much attention. It's fun, and there's nothing I really HAVE to do--I can have fun with it, and for me, the "fun" is treating it like an advanced lit course by incorporating criticism & having them write analyses of the books. I'd also like to teach Brit Lit, but I'll be looking for children's lit positions.

I am trying to sew in my spare time. I have a "chicken dress" cut out and partially assembled for Doodle, who is at the perfect age for me to make dresses. It will have 3 ruffled tiers. The bodice is a brown fabric with chickens. The first tier is wheat & grasses. The second is black with chicken wire, and the third is EGGS! :) Sadly, they're not free range chickens. . . It is an Ottobre pattern. So nice to sew with my new machine! But I have to restrain myself.

I missed a Saturday of research in the Science Fiction archives (they were closed 7/05), and still haven't posted all of my notes & analysis (see other blog), but plan to get back on track this weekend.

Chiclette is growing by leaps & bounds (and I'm totally failing to chronicle it all)! She has had 2 teeth for several weeks now, is scooting & almost crawling, sitting up by herself, kneeling up & thinking about standing. Trust me, I can tell! ;) Her hair is past her eyes. When I think about it, I put it up in a Pebbles ponytail. She eats solids twice a day--had to step that up recently--and still nurses regularly. She now contests Doodle for the right to sleep next to me. :P Knew the sleeping wouldn't last.

So that's life, and you will forgive me if I grow neglectful. I hope to catch up with everyone one day!! Until then, well, this life is fun, too.

Catching Up (sort of)

Well, it's been a busy (hectic, stressful) couple of weeks, but also good, and somewhat productive. I have managed to complete almost all of the necessary paperwork to graduate in August, order regalia (or at least reserve the rental), submit the dissertation, etc. I have been going to research in the archives library every Saturday to work on a research project for which I received an award for the summer. I have also managed to spend my way pretty well through that grant, mainly on basics and incidentals, so this month will be tricky. I did buy a few nice things on sale this past week so I could look nice teaching--did I mention that that starts today?? Potty training has been going well, and my Doodle is even able to use the bathroom in public, so long as she doesn't touch the seat (better for her anyway, really. . .) She starts child care ("school"?) 3x a week this week, and I hope she does well. She likes the classroom--we visited yesterday. The lead teacher is an older woman who is nice, but seems out of touch--particularly out-of-touch with potty training issues, which is bad. She was also a little pedantic in her dealings with Doodle yesterday--I have some vague apprehensions that my little girl will not be seen for what she is--spirited and very intelligent--but will be regarded as willful and defiant. We'll see. . . I clearly need to forget my fears and hope for the best, here. After all, a 10 minute meeting doesn't reveal all, right?

My mom was in town last week (and part of this week) with my youngest brother. That is always a delight and a challenge, but there's too much to be said about that, really. My youngest brother is very unique in many ways and being with him is always an experience unto itself. We had some good times this week. My mom was able to treat us to pizza, and we made taco salads. I met my mom & sister at the mall one day, which was when I bought my teaching outfits. My mom even bought me 2 shirts! I can't tell you how long it's been since she did that--or was even able to do that! She has been awarded some money, and all she can think about is what she can do for us--her children. Which makes me feel bad in a way.

She bought me a new sewing machine!! A shop in New Orleans was going out of business, and he marked down all of his Elna sewing machines. She bought herself a good machine, a backup machine, and a serger (Did I mention that she's a seamstress? She's also doing alterations these days. She makes a mean slipcover & pillows & roman shades, too!). Then she bought me a more basic model--which is just what I wanted!! It's wonderful. Basic for her, but with many more features than my hundred-dollar on-sale-at-Target model (keep in mind that Target does not sell patterns, fabric, thread. . .). It was one of those things that I looked at, thought about, but never would have bought for myself, and so is greatly appreciated. I did manage to make another blanket using the new machine, for a little boy whose first birthday was over the weekend:



One day early last week, we made buttonholes!! It does so automatically, or just about. YAY!! That was one of the things I feared the most! So now, although I have a MILLION things I would like to sew, including a three-tiered "chicken dress" for my Doodle, I have to put it aside indefinitely.

I'm not sure how much blogging I will be able to do, either. I learned during Lent that I get more done if I put the blog away. *sigh* I have a couple of posts in the works for my other blog, Booknotes from Literacy-chic, that will cover my research and perhaps some teaching ideas, too. Hope to see you there! (If I can catch up & keep up!!)

Answering My Own Question. . .

I'm home on a Sunday morning with my girls because the younger of the two was running a slight fever this morning (99.5 or so) and has a runny nose. :( So I thought I would report my findings. . . There are indeed places to get cool European and Japanese, good quality fabrics online (as I knew there had to be), it's just a matter of typing the right search terms into Google. Some can be found on eBay as well. So here's a list of cool online fabric retailers:

Hart's Fabric

Bunte Fabrics

Sew Euro

Fabric Hound

Reprodepot Fabrics

Maybe one day I'll get around to ordering some!! And then using it!! (And of course, I'll go to a 5 or 7 PM Mass. . .)

Where Do You Find the Fabric???

I've been doing a lot of sewing lately. I made two dresses for Chiclette, one for Doodle, dug out lots of patters, I have a cute top cut out for myself, piles of fabric everywhere--you get the basic idea. I have still been doing other things--I went to my department 3 times for meetings this week and once to pick up the unsold blanket (green) that my Doodle promptly claimed as her very own (though she took it off of her bed to cover her little sister before we left the house this afternoon!). I need to revise some handouts for next week, revise a dissertation abstract and conclude a conclusion. Sewing is for when I need to de-stress or be creative. So doing a little bit of non-productive web searching earlier, I discovered the most incredible magazine with oodles of patterns in every issue! It's called Ottobre and is published in Finland. The clothing design is really amazing. If I could sew all of the time, I would have no need to buy clothes for myself or the girls again--ever. That is, if I could find good fabric!! Because the styles are fashionable, but there's no matching the quality of fabrics that the better manufacturers can get their hand on. At least, not that I've found. Please, if someone knows something I don't, let me know!!!!

Blankies Galore!!

So this is what I've been doing this weekend.

A blanket for my friend (and Doodle's godmother) who will be having her second child (and first daughter) in June. It is a cowgirl motif because my mother made some of the decor for her son's room in a cowboy motif, and the new baby will likely inherit that room. So this way, it is something new to go along with something shared!



Disclaimer: Any resemblance that this blanket might bear to the school colors of any Texas university is purely coincidental!!

So far I have only made blankets to keep (4, to be exact--one of them a 12 square Christmas blanket!) and blankets to give to good friends (also 4--now 5). These blankets are something different for me, and proving to be more difficult than I thought! I decided that I would make a blanket to donate to the English Graduate Student Association's annual silent auction. I was going to make a unisex blankie, but I was attracted to the florals (as usual) more than the gender-neutral prints. So I did both!

The first is the floral, and its color scheme is based around the asian cherry blossom print. I'm not sure the colors are true-to-life in this pic, because there's a lot of peach in the floral:

My first "neutral" blanket is a green froggie blanket (I love frogs) with yellow trim and a yellow backing.


The winner will choose 1 of the 2 blankets. I hope they go over well!

More Blankies!!

These are probably the last I will be making for a while. I gave this one to a friend whose shower I attended yesterday. I was going for a vintage look with the prints--19th century or early 20th century vintage rather than the 1970s vintage!
I find that it is difficult using nontraditional colors for baby gifts, since it's difficult to gauge how nontraditional is too nontraditional! So I admit to being pleased when others also gave olive drab baby gifts!

This blanket is mine--for the new arrival. She finally has one of her own since the last one was claimed by her sister (with my full approval). I don't think I would have been brave enough to give this one as a gift--though the paisley could easily show up on a baby boutique item these days, as "baby" patterns emerge that are more traditionally associated with adults. But you see, baby boutique items given as gifts can at least be returned (well, exchanged, actually). And black binding finishes it off dramatically, but doesn't exactly scream "baby." But for those of us who get sick of pastels, I think it works well!
What's nice about these, too, is that they grow with the child: a play quilt, a baby blanket, a toddler throw. . . My toddler loves to snuggle on hers on a bean bag chair, and it goes nicely on her bed, though it's a little warm for it right now. So. . . Yay! Happy New Baby to me! ;)

I am not a quilter

But I made this last November. It nearly killed me. My aunts and mother would make them, sometimes to sell, sometimes to keep, sometimes for gifts. The original backings were bandannas, but bandannas wear out very easily.

My mom gave us one after we were married that we eventually gave to my son; for my birthday one year, she gave me one with a beautiful bright pink Indian pattern on the back; my aunts made one for my daughter sometime between her birth and first birthday with a Mary Englebright print and a flower garden motif on the blue-jean side. So the only one who didn't have one all to himself was my husband, and we had been looking for a particular "motif" for the backing--blue jays. It's a New Orleans thing. A very specific New Orleans thing! It took us until last year to find the fabric. And it took several weeks for my fingers to heal from all the pins! But it was worth it. He was very happy, and I am so proud of it. I don't think I'll make another one, yet I can't bring myself to give away blue jeans. . .

Blankies!!

Here are some more photos of things that I like to make. I made this blanket yesterday. I bought the fabric a while back before the last baby shower I attended, when I was trying to pick out the right color scheme for my friend's blanket. It's become kind of a standard shower gift. They're really easy to make, and picking out the colors is fun! Anyway, I made this one for myself, probably for my (older) daughter, since we didn't know that the new one is more-than-likely a girl when I picked out the fabric. I need to experiment making one for a boy, and I have an idea and a baby boy in mind, I just need to do it! Most of the mothers I know who have had babies recently have had girls, though!

This is mine (for my daughter). I'll have to look around to find new colors for the new baby! She likes to wrap herself up in it. The backing is polar fleece, very cuddly. It's a play quilt in summer, or a cozy quilt for winter!


Here's the first I made:

Green and pink:Peach!

Projects!

This is not exactly a real post, I just wanted to display the things I have been working on! The pictures could be better. It's just a good thing that I wasn't selling these on eBay! But maybe you can get kind of an idea of them.

Baby Sling (courtesy of Elizabeth Lee):
Diaper Bag Purse to coordinate with sling (Scrap Bags makes the pattern):

Pretty batik fabric that inspired the sling/bag combo:
Nursing peasant shirt (modified McCalls):
A close-up of the paisley:
And, for a limited time. . . Oops! Gone now!

So Much to Do. . .

. . .And so little time!

Blogging is likely to be limited in August. I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed knowing that the baby is coming in 13--that is, THIRTEEN--weeks, that the fall semester starts on August 27th--only 3 weeks away--that my son starts school on the same day the semester starts, that once the semester actually starts, I will have NO TIME AT ALL for baby preparations.

Monday I start childbirth classes. There are many worries associated with that. I have wanted a natural childbirth both times so far, adn both times I was optimistic. Unfortunately, both times I have had my water break (or leak) with no contractions, and had to have pitocin, which effectively eliminates the "natural" part. It is my opinion that to have pitocin (at least at the levels at which it was administered to me) necessitates the epidural. So my fear is, what if my contractions come naturally and they are just as bad as the pitocin and I've been fooling myself that the reason I couldn't handle the pain was because of the pitocin? There are plenty of reasons to think that the assumption that the reason I couldn't handle the pain was because of the pitocin is correct, but in the wise words of the nurse midwife (whom I decided not to continue to see for appointments), "Labor hurts." Gee, thanks. I thought all of that pain management stuff was just for fun. And after all, I've never done this before. But she felt the need to tell me that her labors were CERTAINLY as bad as a labor with pitocin. That's what you get from a midwife who is former military.

I've been trying to get a lot of things done that I "saved" for after the move and the summer semester. I made myself a baby sling (the type with rings). Yesterday, I finished a nursing top that was modified from a regular McCalls pattern--not sure how it will work; I may still need to adjust some things. I am working on a combination purse/diaper bag to coordinate with the sling, but the pattern is disappointing and I have to modify it to make it what I really want it to be. And there are more projects I would like to complete before the semester starts: a nursing "twinset," two nursing dresses, a dress for my toddler to coordinate with the twinset, a play quilt for the new baby, a maternity top I started ages ago but couldn't finish because I didn't have enough fabric (misleading directions). Sewing--especially modifying projects--takes a lot of mental effort. And when I get started on a project I'm excited about, it pretty much consumes me. Even when I'm not actually working on the project, it preys on my mind--thinking about the pattern directions, wondering the best way to accomplish any modifications I have in mind. . . It can really be absorbing!

Then, there are the other things I need to do: I need to register my son for school, procure a cello for him for the fall, figure out why financial aid hasn't posted my loan, finalize my syllabus, set up my course site on Moodle (once the darned administrator sets up the course for me) and oh yeah! finish a chapter on D. H. Lawrence. Whoopee!! Needless to say, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. I'm drinking more and more caffeine every day. At some moment--sometimes multiple moments--every day, I have to face this choice: drink caffeine to try to stay awake & get things done, or nap. Sometimes the nap wins, but not often.

Best not to think about it too much, though. The hormones kick in, and it's downhill from there! The dissertation is going O.K. these days. Steady. Not really satisfying work, but it seems that that's what "middles" look like--the inspiring part is over, and you just need to continue to plod through & make your case. I find plodding rather difficult. Oh well!

I guess we'll call this early nesting. I know I won't have time for it later, but such is life!

Momma & Baby "Stuff"

The great thing about having recently had a baby is that I have most of the baby essentials pretty much covered (especially if this next one is a girl!) Now, there are things that will have to be replaced--I will need a stroller that can accommodate two babies, for example! And I will probably want a new carseat, since the one I have only holds a baby up to 20 lbs or so and is a bit smaller than some of the current models. I will want one of the carrier varieties that is a bit larger so that I don't have to worry about another carseat until the baby is actually a year old. Hopefully, big sister will be ready for a smaller, booster-style by then, and we won't have to attach big brother to the luggage rack! So to make up for the fact that I have most of the basics covered, there are a number of things that I found that I would have loved to have with the last one, that I will probably be buying in increments while I wait for number 3! So I'm listing these so that I won't forget, and so that other parents can see the cool stuff that is out there to make our lives easier! I confess--I love baby gadgets!

Baby Shopping List

Duo stroller
Infant seat that holds up to 30 lbs
Crib futon (for the toddler bed, actually)
Nurse-N-Glow Lighted Nursing Pillow -or- The Nursing Nest (anyone have a favorite?)
Electronic Nasal Aspirator!!!
And one of those thermometers that takes a reading off of the forehead.

Actually, that's the list right now. I will also be buying more babyproofing things for the apartment, since the toddler will be able to roam pretty freely. For example:

Baby gates for either side of the walk-through kitchen
Door knob protectors (thinking of Anastasia's post)
Knob covers for the stove (if the knobs are on the front)
Power strip safety covers

And of course, I have my own list:

Momma Shopping List

Nursing Patterns: dress pattern, nursing twinset pattern
Sling Pattern
All manner of Earth Mama Angel Baby Products!
And look at this cool alternative to a hospital gown! (I won't buy this one--kinda frivolous)

I have already bought a very cute batik print to make the sling--it's creamy with light hints of greeny-blues, and has a purplish vine-pattern on it. I'm excited about it! I also bought a pattern to make a cute purse that will coordinate, but it has enough pockets & flaps and compartments to accommodate diapers & wipes--just a small to-go bag. There are other baby carrier patterns that interest me, too. Here are a couple with directions online:

Beth's Man Tai (silly name)
Mae Mei Tai

And here's an article about someone who's had almost as much trouble with baby carriers as I have! Clearly, the second trimester is here and I'm getting into baby-mode. Now if only I didn't have to grade, write, and prepare for a class that starts May 29th. Oh! And move! Anyone got a truck? ;)