Survey of Academic Blogger Moms

For all of you who have not yet seen or received this, I wanted to post a link to a study that is being conducted by a graduate student in Social Psychology at the University of Connecticut who is conducting a study examining the role of blogging in the lives of Academic mothers. From the email:

Your participation would involve the completion of an anonymous online survey. The survey contains a mixture of multiple-choice and open-response questions, and should take less than an hour to complete. The survey does not have to be completed in one session. You may stop at any time and return later to complete it.

If you know other women who might be interested in participating, please feel free to forward this message to them. Also, feel free to post the link to the survey in your blog.

There are several of you who immediately come to mind as valuable participants in this survey, and I was thinking about forwarding the email, but I thought this might be more efficient. I might still send an email to those who visit less often, so if you see this and plan to participate, could you leave a comment so I won't bug you again? Thanks. Now back to my crying child. . .

Caution: This thing requires a HUGE time commitment! (Though you can save & go back.)

Commitments

Taking a few short minutes to post. October promises to be a brutal month. I have deadlines to meet, papers due, papers returned, a test to write and give, and I've really settled in to the drudgery of the semester. I need to finish preparing my application materials and actually print them to mail them. I need to set up a dossier with the career center. I need to revise a dissertation chapter before the "revise and resubmit" becomes a "who were you again?" I don't even have the time to do the things that I need to do, much less the things I want to do. I'm sure I've forgotten something.

I have mixed feelings about going to the national convention where all interviews are held. I have resented from the beginning the "meat market" approach to job hunting, though that's not the whole story. There is a "meat market" quality, but my understanding is that the people who want to play the self-promotion game with no scheduled interviews are the ones who flit from booth to booth handing out their vitas. That is soooo not me! Although I don't see myself participating in that procedure, I also resent the intimidation and pressure of the centralized interviews, the depersonalization, the prospect of interviewing as one of many, many candidates. I also resent the expense of it all. This conference is generally held one of several cities that rank among the most expensive in the country. The scale of the conference is intimidating; the travel is intimidating; the expense is intimidating. I tend to perform well under pressure, but that doesn't mean I can't resent it beforehand!! The conference also takes place at a time that is inconvenient for me--midsemester break, between a prominent Christian holiday and a prominent secular holiday. A time traditionally associated with family, if one goes for that kind of thing. I don't like to leave my family at the most mundane of times. I feel rather like an essential part of my family dynamic right now, and the thought of leaving makes me apprehensive. And I just plain don't like traveling by myself--I've never done it much, really.

So I go back and forth in my mind about the convention--do I go? Do I not go? Theoretically, attendance at the convention should not determine one's consideration for the position--theoretically. Do I go alone? Do I take the family (and drive)? But that's only part of it, really. . .

Graduating has been good for me, in a way. I have more of a feeling of wanting to be involved in the academic community than I have in a while. I have had more interest in developing my own work recently. What I lack is TIME. I'm heading towards becoming burned out all over again, and I'm not even teaching what would be considered a "full load"--I'm only teaching 2 courses this semester and one course (of who knows what, but I've been almost guaranteed that it won't be the one thing I want to teach--a Brit Lit survey) next semester because of my "administrative duties" which have expanded in new and time-consuming directions. Now, the unexpected part is actually the most fun and rewarding, but that doesn't change the fact that it's an incredible demand on my time. The funny thing is, it's probably classified more under "service" (and I don't have a "service" requirement) than with my normal job duties. *sigh* I am trying to wrap up a funded project that is a whole lot of fun, and really excites me, but has been slow going because of constraints on my time and the hours of the archives. My 5-day a week schedule, while good for child care, has made me feel like I'm meeting myself "coming and going," as the expression goes--every time I wrap up one class, it's time to prepare for the next. At times, I feel very competent, with a real sense of accomplishment. Other times I feel swamped, frustrated, or simply--tired. And I'm only teaching 2 classes. Standard load for a job search is 3+ courses each semester. And I tend to get sick of the course I'm teaching halfway through. I sometimes think I would do better in a trimester system, but I can't imagine that that would make me feel less swamped. So while I'm enjoying having--rather than pursuing--the Ph.D., the newfound ambition is overwhelmed by an increase in job duties. I feel like to get the job materials out will mean putting my classes on hold in a significant way. Funny thing is, the materials are already ready! It's a matter of tweaking things for specific jobs and printing!

I don't really feel ready to be on the market. That's where this post has been tending. I think I need this year to do other things. . . Publish, for example. Catch up on some bills. Spend time with my girls while they're still little and need me. Make cupcakes for Doodle's first birthday at school (which was Monday, and which I did!). Make the girls some fall-to-winter outfits. Oh! and get used to a higher teaching load--gradually, if at all possible. There's time for tenure-track when Chiclette is old enough for pre-preschool (a 2-year-old or 3-year-old class). And yet, I don't really want to be stuck doing what I'm doing for too much longer. Non-academic alternatives strike me as 1) boring, 2) more time-consuming. So I'm stuck for now. Anything else would require my husband to change jobs. And really, that's not practical. So I'll go edit a teaching philosophy now (not the thing to do after a crummy morning class. . .)

Academic Moms & Tenure Track Jobs

Hat tip: Kate

A study out of Utah revealed recently that female professors are less likely than their professional counterparts to have children. This is hardly surprising to someone who has been in a graduate program and known a number of female academics who, for whatever reason, have decided not to have children or have delayed that decision indefinitely. I have been fortunate to be in a department full of professor-moms and even more fortunate, lately, to be in a department full of grad student moms (though this was late in coming--I was the only grad student mom in the department for quite some time!! It's nice to have company. . .) The blog that mentions this study also mentions that UC Berkley is doing something to try to address the issue of continued gender inequity in academia--the basic fact that while being married with children seems to be an asset of sorts to male success in academia (or at least a reflection of--like sowing the academic oats has a biological counterpart*), the reverse is true for women. More women who achieve tenure have fewer children, no children, and have children later, while women who have children earlier tend to drop off of the tenure-track, choosing instead to work in adjunct and lecturer-type positions. Tenured women are also more likely to be divorced, since the average male prof is married to a non-academic, while the average female academic is married to a male Ph.D., leading to the "my career is more important that yours" syndrome. I have seen that happen with a lawyer couple with whose family my family was good friends when I was growing up, so I suspect that that statistic is true of professional married women in general. It is not unique to academic couples for each individual to enter the marriage with the assumption that his/her career is or should be more important than the other person's, or more important than the marriage or the family unit. But such things vary according to maturity level of the individuals involved (the couple we knew were very immature), temperament, and level of ambition.

Now, to be fair, the rather extensive study done by Berkeley showed that women with children made up almost 1/2 of women in tenure-track positions, with only a slightly lower percentage overall than women without children. It's funny the way that worked out, unless you look at the comparison to the number of men in tenure-track positions. It was clear that family considerations do indeed keep huge numbers of women out of tenure-track positions. When I consider my schedule for next year as I strive to keep my youngest out of daycare, I understand why. But at the same time, for women to drop down into lower-paying, higher-teaching load adjunct and non-tenure track positions doesn't make intuitive sense to me.

I remember reading posts recently about the presence and absence of children in our lives. Not just the ones that sparked some of my bolder pronouncements on the subject, but discussions on other blogs about how having children around while growing up fosters a healthy attitude toward children, including a realistic impression of what can actually be accomplished with children around. Just the knowledge of how to take care of a baby is a healthy effect of having not only siblings, but young cousins, and friends who have siblings, etc. While it may be helpful for me at this stage to have some on-campus office hours in the fall, I know that I can write with my babies around. I've been doing it as long as I can remember!! So sacrificing the lower teaching load of a tenure-track job for a job that requires more in-classroom hours and less research & publication doesn't seem like a smart career (or family) move to me. Of course, I don't aspire to an R1 university anyway. I would like a university where achieving tenure is a more laid-back, faculty-supported, not highly-competitive enterprise. So clearly, I won't be taking a position (or applying for a position) with the Berkeley system. Besides my aversion to earthquakes and mudslides. But it is nice to see the problems laid out and some solutions proposed. I really like one of the goals articulated in their report on their findings: They want to be able to answer the often-asked female grad student query, "When is a good time to have a baby?" with a resounding "Any time!" Part of their program, then, is to support grad students who wish to have families. The problem is that at this stage their family-friendly policies and goals (dictated, no doubt, by current reluctance of some people to move to California because of cost as well as a negative birth rate in some parts of the state that rivals that of some European nations. . .) are not necessarily shared by the institutions that will be hiring their new Ph.D.'s. So it's a step in the right direction, but unless other schools follow suit, it's only a solution for the faculty they wish to recruit or retain.

On the other hand, if some nutbar tries to tell me that I'm being utterly irresponsible by having more than one or two children, I can just say that since only 1 in 3 female tenured academics have children, I can have up to 6 myself and still be making up for the other two!!

*Sowing the academic oats does indeed have a biological counterpart when male professors, having achieved tenure, marry their grad students or undergrads!

Portrait of an Academic Mom

This evening as I sat on the sofa writing what will be some of the final pages of my dissertation, my 2-year-old daughter, who had, a little while before, put on the DVD of The Empire Strikes Back, climbed into my lap, leaned her head on my shoulder, and fell asleep between my iBook and I as I continued to type. :)

Posts (Real and Intended) from This Hormonal Mom

Well, I can't say that I haven't had some blogworthy ideas lately, but I haven't felt like actually blogging them. I want the ideas to be "out there," so to speak, but without the effort of actually posting them--you know, typing in the URL, clicking "New Post" . . . That's where I get stuck. Once I'm here, it's like rolling off a log. Especially when I use tired cliches like that.

I thought about posting for Thanksgiving, but I couldn't decide whether to post something negative about how holidays raise false expectations or muster up some things I'm thankful for (I do have a number but posting them might seem a little redundant) for a sentimental post (actually, Chris strikes a nice balance here!). . .

I had one in my head about Sesame Street, in reference to this article, and one about the response I wrote to a company (one of the many) that feels the need to address parents' concerns about safety in the wake of the recalls of Chinese-made products. I would still like to post on these, but don't hold it against me if I don't manage it. . .

Here I am, nearing the end of week 3 with my new baby. My husband is getting ready to return to work on Monday. And it's getting tough. The first 2 weeks seemed to fly by quickly and easily. I was recovering well. I had energy. The toddler was sweet. The baby was sleeping a good 4+3 hours a night. And I could reminisce about the birth experience. All I had were minor annoyances--the normal postpartum stuff and then the limitations that I have been gradually ignoring: not picking up the toddler, not leaving the house with the newborn, that kind of thing. But reality is setting in. When I'm not holding one child, I'm holding the other one. Sometimes I'm holding both (though when I'm not tired, that can be really sweet). If I'm not nursing one, I'm looking for something the toddler will eat or feeding my baby's milk supply (most of the time, actually. . .). I feel both in demand and completely useless, since I've been warming my corner of the sofa/futon for the last 3 months of the pregnancy and the first 3 weeks of the baby's life. If I have any clothes that fits me, it is buried in the Closet-of-Rubbermaids and I haven't been able to access it. So I'm still sporting maternity fashions which, while comfortable, are getting blissfully but annoyingly loose. (I'm only 5 lbs. from my pre-pregnancy weight-which was still too much!)

Things cross my mind, like the dissertation--I wonder when I will finish? The fact that I HAVE to finish. . . Knowing I won't have a job past the spring. . . Knowing that even if English offers me a teaching assignment for the Summer (but these are in high demand and if I'm not a grad student, my chances of getting one are less likely), classes are only offered during the day every day of the week, which would require a perpetual babysitter or away-from-home child care (neither of which is possible). Similarly, next fall and spring (if hired by the department) I may not be able to keep my evening schedule, and I would have to teach at least 2 classes as a lecturer to match my current salary as a grad student. If I get hired by anyone else (which would necessitate applying), my problems will be worse, because I don't want my babies in daycare. But then at least I could afford it, might be able to limit it to 3 (part-)days a week, and my baby would be a year (give or take). I'm also worried about not being home 2 or 3 evenings a week in the Spring (because of teaching), the impending expiration of my financial aid, the impending repayment of the same financial aid, and incidentals like needing new tires.

Do I want to stay home all of the time? No. Do I think I could? Not without getting frustrated & depressed. ('Cause that would be different.) And unless my husband found another job that paid $15,000 more, we couldn't do it financially either. (Not being greedy & materialistic here, just thinking about current payments--and that's considering that I just finished a consumer credit program that paid off our first impoverished years of marriage!!) I also worry about simpler things like how to control the rambunctious toddler (or at least keep a good rein on her) and how on earth I will ever be able to leave the house with the two of them. The toddler does not hold hands. She runs in her own direction until forced to do otherwise. My son was not like this. I have visions of loading both children in the stroller (which, having failed to hear from the person who offered to give mer her double sit-n-stand, I ordered for myself. . .) to stroll them from the apartment to the car, 10 yards or so away. . .

So where is that Little-Engine-That-Could attitude? It has gone the way of the Dodo. Actually, it was a pose. I've been putting you all on.

Well, now I have to go clear up my broken water glass that I knocked off the arm of the sofa. *sigh* Will be back to check incessantly for comments. Sometimes I think blogging is an unhealthy addiction.

P.S.--Any lurkers. . . Pleeeeeease don't tell me that God is calling me to be a stay-at-home mom, much as I respect those who I know who are stay-at-home moms!! You may believe it about me if you wish, but I've heard that before, and it's not really helpful nor do I believe it to be true. (It's kind of like telling someone who's married that he should have been a priest, because that's his true calling.) Thanks! ;)

Babies & Academic Professionalism

Okay, so the baby (the Chic-lette, as she has been named courtesy of Mrs. Darwin!) is not even 2 weeks old, and I already have a professional dilemma of sorts. I asked my adviser for his advice, but he is, admittedly, male, and didn't feel qualified to answer this one!! (Although he did say that he would have no problem personally with the situation I described.) On Thursday, there is a colloquium I would like to attend sponsored by the university's humanities center. A fellow-graduate student is presenting a paper on D. H. Lawrence, whom I am working on right now (trying to wrap up that pesky chapter). Actually, I think attending might jump-start my attempt to finish (if one can jump-start a wrap-up). My problem? Very small baby (well, no--very young baby!), exclusively breast fed. First issue--she is very young. I have doubts about whether I should have her out & about, but she would be kept very close to me and I'm about to lose my mind staying home most of the time. Every day or every other day I have to get out--usually just a quick ride in the car (with the baby), but it helps. So this actually sounds more attractive than it might otherwise! Second problem--silly as it sounds, I don't want to draw too much attention to myself (and my baby) or to seem like I'm trying to draw attention to myself. I'm imagining people thinking that I want people to ooh and aah over the baby, when in fact, my attitude toward such things is more the "No thank you, please don't breathe on my baby" attitude. Third--and the biggest--issue (I won't say problem) is the breastfeeding issue. The department is currently filled with swarms of mothers who do or have breastfed. Even so, there are a number of different attitudes present about the correct time & place to do such things. Many of the other grad student mothers also have alternated with bottles of breast milk or formula, which, even if I decided to do at some point, I would not do so early. The grad coordinator, who possesses a different generation's feminist notion of the place of children in one's professional life, made a comment once in a class about the scandal of a prominent scholar breastfeeding at the large national conference. In that case, it was recognized as an attempt to draw attention to herself. In my case, it would not be, but it might be interpreted as such. While generally I scorn those who are offended by breastfeeding in public, I feel a bit different about professional situations. This might be because I hate professional situations. In general, I actively seek to avoid them. Usually, if people I know are involved, I don't mind as much, but in this case, I feel awkward precisely because there are people I know involved. I don't particularly want to be sneered at with my baby for violating professional decorum. And at the same time I hate feeling hesitant. I don't like playing the game, really. Especially when I don't agree with what passes for "rules."

UPDATE: Well, I just learned that the scadalous example of breastfeeding at the national conference "featured black fishnet stockings, a black letter (maybe leather?) bustier, and a male attendent" and was not "run of the mill breastfeeding." Ha!! I am much amused.

Pregnancy & Grad School: Are We Behind the Times?

By "we" I mean the university where I currently teach/dissertate. Apparently, I and the other grad student moms are not at all behind the times! In fact, we are doing exactly what we are supposed to be doing, much as our early-wave feminist professors were doing as they were supposed to be doing (and as, in many cases, they think we should be doing) by waiting until their careers were well established before having their families (if, indeed, they ever did choose to have families--whether they just never confronted the choice, didn't have time, or chose consciously not to have families). I actually feel fortunate at this university that so many of the female faculty in my department do have children, if I haven't mentioned it before in quite this way.

So how, then are we behind the times? Well, while I was poking around seeing how people found me on sitemeter, I came across someone who did a Google search for "grad" and "mom" (or something similar). In addition to my own post, which likely didn't really fit what the person was looking for (Google is good for that), I found a few articles of interest. First, it seems that the Chemistry department at Stanford implemented a "pregnancy policy" in 2005, providing for pregnant grad students who held assistantships with the department to have “a 12-week period intended to accommodate late-stage pregnancy, childbirth and the care of a newborn"; though the article does not specifically mention whether the stipend would continue to be paid, I thought this was the implication the first time I read the article. Concerns raised were the exposure of the mother to chemicals and breastfeeding, and admirably, the question of whether 3 months (a WHOLE 3 months!!) would be enough time was addressed. Equity among graduate students as professionals-in-training, who should be treated in a manner analogous to postdocs and faculty, was a motivation of the department, as well as encouraging and maintaining women in the profession. On the whole this surprised me, given that it was a branch of the sciences rather than the liberal arts that was choosing to codify this policy, even though the rationale (chemicals, etc.) makes sense.

In 2006, only a few months after the first article, The Stanford Daily reported on a university-wide pregnancy policy for grad students, "a new policy with six weeks of paid leave, automatic deadline extensions and a way to maintain full-time student status." While acknowledging that the policy could offer a competitive edge over other grad schools for some (really, really special) applicants (the average pregnant prospective student wouldn't be courted by Stanford, after all), the paper seemed to think that this was a gesture toward respect for mothers rather than an attempt to attract students. I liked this statement on the subject:

The new pregnancy policy is a perfect example of how the University shouldn’t be making excuses about women in the Ph.D pipeline when the University can do things about it. This policy won’t just attract women who are planning to have children soon; it will attract women — and men — who value a true commitment to diversity.

Interesting to hear grad student families evoked under the heading of "diversity." MIT is mentioned in the article as having such a program already.

Our school's newspaper wouldn't find such a thing newsworthy. Pity. But that could be the culture. When many undergrads are looking for husbands so that they don't have to use their degrees, how would an undergraduate-centered publication even have a frame of reference from which to address this topic? *sigh*

Stony Brook State University of New York passed a related initiative on September 26, 2006, the Stony Brook Childbirth Accommodation Policy. "SB-CAP includes provisions for academic extensions, relief from regular teaching, research, clinical and/or training duties and interim financial support from the Graduate School for students that receive stipend support as Teaching Assistants, Graduate Assistants, or Research Assistants."

Excellent! So when is our turn?

I have been fortunate, finally, to receive some support, though the arranging of things was very stressful and contributed to my overall lack of progress during my first trimester, when I was kind of frozen in shock, wondering how this would work. The department decided, for continuity's sake, to hire a lecturer as a substitute for my class (in part so that my students didn't become too disoriented). I will continue to operate aspects of the class via the online course interface--hopefully, there will be some online discussion of the final work on the syllabus. Then, there are poetry presentations, based on their first papers, to cover a bit more ground in poetry. My substitute will be primarily responsible for taping these. After the presentations, my sub will oversee 2 peer workshops to help the students finalize their research paper drafts. And that's that! I have still to comment on paper topics & thesis statements, working bibliographies, grade an annotated bibliography, a research paper, and a final exam (which I will be writing sometime in the future). But I won't have to set foot back in the classroom.

That is, until January 14. That's going to roll around fast. I think I'm depressed now. *sigh*

The good news is that I teach at 5:30--after my husband gets off of work. So he will watch the teeny-tiny, the toddler, and the big brother while I am in class 2 days/week. Also, I am teaching the same thing as this semester, and doing it the same way, so very, very little prep (aside from reading/re-reading the things I didn't read/re-read this semester). But being away from that teeny-tiny is really going to be a bummer. And I will certainly have to bend my no-bottle policy and pump so that my husband isn't left high and dry (hah!) if the nursing schedule doesn't work out exactly right. It's very daunting. Maybe I should just focus on waiting for the teeny-tiny right now. She'll be 2 months when classes resume. Oof.

And I'm supposed to graduate in May? Good luck.

What's Making Me Happy These Days

The first week of school (my teaching and my son attending) has successfully come to an end. The library situation resolved itself rather well. I learned from the librarian, also, that the teachers he has are very nurturing, and that this Intermediate campus (5th & 6th) is the more nurturing of the two in the area. It will certainly be a week-by-week proposition--a little more than getting through one day at a time, or one contraction at a time, which I've been hearing a lot about, but the first week has given me hope! I do need to do the class prep for this week, and post assignments for next, but I have an idea of what that will entail, so I'm not too worried. I've been putting in some time working on the dissertation, and have two baby blankets in the works as well!

Although it still seems a bit unreal that there is a new baby on the way, the prospect of having two little girls--sisters--is making me smile. Although I told myself that I would not buy the baby any new clothes (beyond one or two very special things), I have amended that resolution to allow for matching sister outfits! (Hee hee hee!) I got two very cute dress-legging combos by Carters in 24 mos. and 3 mos. this weekend. In my defense, I was picking them out for the toddler, when my husband asked if they came in newborn!! (3 months will be big, but not for long!) I started to put one tiny one back, but then we found out that they were on sale for $9 instead of $12--originally $18. How could I resist? ;)

When I bought the toddler bed a while back, I got my battery-powered nasal aspirator! Silly, perhaps, but with the way my babies' sinuses work, I think it's a good buy. I also found it $10 cheaper than online. Yay!

I did make a soft bedrail of sorts for my daughter's toddler bed, and she isn't scooting out any more!

I have 3 more nursing tops planned, when I get a chance to work on them. Time management is--so far--not as bad as I had feared.

I am looking forward to the return of the baby items (carseat, stroller, small pack n' play with bassinet and organic mattress) that I lent out after my daughter outgrew them. At the time, I believed that it would be an uncomplicated issue. I had no idea that I would find myself pregnant only weeks later! While the loan was not based on the couple's inability to afford baby items, they had expressed a reluctance to spend the money on baby items. The things were lent in good faith, with good intentions. I believe that the loan allowed them to feel like they could spend money in other areas, to feel good about more expensive baby purchases than they might have "risked" otherwise. The return was less-than-pleasant for complicated reasons. I am hoping that the items reach me in good condition. Having them shipped to me--particularly with no insurance--was not my preference, and I had made other arrangements accordingly. But, it is done. Now I have only to wait. I am happy thinking about getting them and setting everything up, though anxious about the surrounding circumstances.

I learned recently that I will have help beyond my expectations from my department, who will be helping to arrange for a single substitute while I am out so that my students will not feel shuffled about. Yay! After the trouble I have had with my teaching assignment, and after walking around with somewhat of a chip on my shoulder the first week, awaiting judgment, and even after being ignored (but perhaps there are other reasons) by tenured prof who asked me if I would be on the job market this year after saying that I would not be able to attend the large national conference this year, though I was open to other alternatives, this came as a nice surprise.

Another thought or two:

What's making me happy? Dr. Pepper and dark chocolate (not necessarily together)!

And I have been thinking, recently, of the births of my other two children as a result of the childbirth classes. Now, I'm not sure how much pitocin affects the pushing stage, but I learned recently--and I did not know this before--that pushing can take up to 2 hours. Yipes!! When I had just passed transition (miserably, but quickly) with my son, my doctor said it would only be about 2 hours more. Well, I was determined that it would be nowhere close to 2 hours. So in spite of the fact that he was 9 1/2 lbs., my first baby, that I had an epidural and couldn't feel much, was FLAT on my back--which, of course, is the worst possible position for pushing, he was up pretty high considering he was ready to be born ANY TIME NOW and the nurse was applying pressure just bellow my ribs (gravity would have helped) to get him to descend, and in spite of the fact that the doctor thought that she might have to use forceps, she did NOT have to use forceps, and he was born in 45 min. Now really, that's not bad. I didn't realize that at the time. I didn't realize it afterwards. In fact, I was incredulous at the 2 hr. estimate. I thought she was trying to motivate me. Well, it worked. But no one really told me I had done a good job, and it's taken me 10 years to figure it out. And then my daughter was born after only a few pushes--15 or 20 minutes. But she was smaller, with a much smaller head. But still not bad! I felt a lot of satisfaction after she was born.

I did also forget to mention that at my last prenatal visit, my doctor observed that this is not a small baby! Not a 9-pounder, she says, but not a 7 pounder either (unless she's impatient like her sister, I guess. . .). So that's good! A nice, big, healthy baby, if all continues as it is now! And as an added bonus, that means that a good bit of the 12 lbs. I've gained at this point is BABY, and I don't have to worry about the low weight gain. Yay!

And August is OVER! :D

Pregnant Grad Student Angst

I am in the process of recovering from a very stressful meeting with Dr. Adviser. I was dreading it in the first place, and so having a mini-panic-attack which for me means that I am pretty much sick to my stomach. It started out bad and got better, though I know I will be replaying various segments of the 2-part lecture: part 1-I'm disappointed in your progress; part 2-this is what happens when you get pregnant as a grad student and it's not going to get any better. Great. What I didn't need was for my dominant emotion coming out of the meeting to be "WELL, I DIDN'T EXACTLY ASK FOR THIS, DID I?" That's a really healthy attitude for someone about to enter her 7th months of pregnancy. I didn't realize that was as close to the surface as it was.

Problem #1: Well, we've already covered the "I don't really want to do this," haven't we? The thing is that when I'm doing it, it's stimulating. When I'm not doing it, I dread doing it so much that I have no motivation to push myself.

Problem #2: Teaching 15 weeks worth of material in 5 weeks, while pregnant and anemic, hence exhausted, every day for an hour and a half in the heat of summer in Texas, having to trudge to another building in the heat, and trying to find someone to watch the children while I do it since my husband was unable to do it this time and even if I liked daycare, I could not afford any of the child care programs that could accommodate the time of day when I taught.

A couple of interesting highlights from the meeting that perhaps deserve further consideration:

Well, at least you can look at it this way--when you finish, you will already have your family. You won't be looking at starting a family when you get a job--oh wait! when you get tenure, like Drs. 1, 2, and 3 who--oh by the way--are not full professors yet because that's what happens when you take time out for kids.

The system doesn't really allow for time off for pregnancy. It's just not "woman friendly."

The last time you were pregnant you were far enough ahead that you could take some time off without it hurting you, but that just can't happen this time.

So there go all of my rosy optimistic ideas. Poof!

Clearly Dr. Adviser is not familiar with Natural Family Planning and that whole "openness to life" thing! And neither is anyone else. So basically, the problem is not so much the getting pregnant in graduate school. The problem is converting to Catholicism in grad school. I guess I should have waited for tenure first.

I'm sure there's a lot more that will come back to me from this conversation. I had at least expected some constructive feedback on what I had written. I was given something to research that might prove interesting--just the seed of something, but a direction to pursue nonetheless.

I am reminded of one of my earlier angry momma posts that asked whether God liked to play tricks on unsuspecting Catholic women by letting them know somewhere along the line that they're supposed to have large families instead of those other pursuits that they had--especially before they were married or before they were Catholic. It's all very well to say "re-prioritize," but a lot depends on where the family is at the point of re-prioritizing, and most who make that observation are either 1) the men--usually husbands, frequently husbands whose wives are stay-at-home moms, or 2) women whose husbands have jobs that allow for re-prioritizing of personal and familial goals. It also implies a degree of materialism and frivolity of personal and familial goals. So how does one "re-prioritize" away the financial need for a teaching assistantship, either to take care of babies or to finish a dissertation? And how does one "re-prioritize" away the need to finish last 3 chapters of a dissertation, abandoning the Ph.D. altogether? In spite of my lack of enthusiasm, I just don't see the value of abandoning everything at this point. In spite of my lack of enthusiasm, I don't really want to abandon everything at this point, as my "children in academia" posts should indicate.

But I'm getting off track. That's not at all where I wanted this to go, but it's all bound together. I know what's at stake and why I need to finish (after all, he's got 3 grad students in the pipeline after me--one of whom is also pregnant!). But that doesn't make any of this any easier--emotionally, physically, or intellectually.

I'm so tired of having to explain myself

Has anybody considered that staying home with one's children is actually a luxury? I'm sure some have, and in some places it is actually a marker of status to be a stay-at-home mom. But the reason I ask this now is because while stay-at-home moms may have plenty of people to answer to--strangers, perhaps, or well-meaning family members who feel compelled to give advice about finances or the children's or mother's well-being, these people do not have any authority over them. There is no one to expect an explanation of why they have not performed up to the standards by which these things are judged. And you know what? Having to explain myself does not really lend itself to a good working attitude.

I have not possessed a good working attitude--except sporadically--for many years. I was not crazy about staying at this university for the Ph.D. because I knew that the course offerings were not what I wanted from a Ph.D. program. I stayed because I didn't get in to the other places to which I applied that time around, because it was convenient, as my husband had just entered an M.A. program, and because it was familiar. Oh yes, and because two people I respected shook my hand and said they'd like to see me stay. That's it. I was never even considered for a fellowship, as those are reserved for people who they lure here from elsewhere, since students from elsewhere are certainly better for the program than those who are already here. Speaks volumes about their opinion of their own program, no? Anyway, it has been non-stop drudgery since then because my heart has never been in it the same way it was at first, except for little moments along the way. But what does one do? Not a thing. I have applied for jobs sporadically without luck, and since my daughter was born, that doesn't even seem like much of an option because I don't want to relegate her to full-time child care, as I've mentioned before. I stick with it at this point because I have no choice, because I am our hope for any future we might conceivably have at this point that does not include this university, and because being in grad school is more convenient from a family perspective than a full-time job. End of story. Any enthusiasm you may have noted along the way is purely coincidental.

So what, you might ask, is the occasion for the rant? The return of the dissertation director from his vacation. You know, the same dissertation director who advises other grad students not to get married & become pregnant. And don't get me started on vacations. The last time I had a vacation was when I went to Disney World with my family when I was 6 years old. Otherwise, vacations are making the best of something I have to do anyway and can't really afford, like a conference or a campus visit to a university I was planning to attend when my son was 2.

So no, I have not performed as expected. I'm not a trained poodle, I'm a person who pretty much meets her own needs rather than having them provided by my trainer (furthering the poodle metaphor, here, and alluding to my need for the assistantship, not implying anything more sinister). And on top of that, I am responsible for other people. Why have I not done more? Let me count the reasons. But of course, there are countless others against whom I can be measured. They all perform as expected. Shall I enumerate the differences? You know, the not wanting or affording the child care option? Having, in fact, more children? And only one car between all of us? Health, a move, extended family, stress, burnout? Being further along in the first place and having to write the darned dissertation, which is what causes people so many problems without the extenuating circumstances? No, better not. What's the point, after all?

Utopian Child Care at a High School (A Second Hand Report), and Wider Implications

Someone once mentioned to me that a Catholic school in San Antonio that had high incidence of unwed mothers decided to try a radical method of correcting the situation. Instead of expelling the unfortunate mothers and ostracizing them, contributing to their disgrace and difficult financial situation (or providing implicit pressure for the girls to have abortions to avoid being expelled), this school set up a daycare on the campus that was staffed, in part, by the girls themselves, and that this did more than Home Ec and Sex Ed combined to make the girls understand the realities of life with a child and to consider the consequences of their actions more carefully. Now, this did attract negative attention as I understand it, but the results spoke for themselves. This seems to be an example of a positive move towards helping mothers and educating young people. It also represents a bringing of children into unaccustomed spaces where they might be accessed by their own mothers periodically. I'm sure there were those who doubted that the students would get anything accomplished with their babies and others' close by.

This may not actually be too different from the move by some employers (especially schools) to include child care for employees. If a high school teacher could pick up her child from an on-site child development center at 3, that would be infinitely better than 5, and a step in the right direction! If she were able to spend the lunch hour with her own baby, even if only twice a week or so, this would provide valuable bonding time. (The idea has good breastfeeding potential, too!) If the facility also provided credit or work-study for the students and supervised child care experience, so much the better!

Utopian? Maybe. But many times the point of a utopian vision is to illustrate an ideal with the hope that it might influence our vision of what is possible in our own world, and give us ideas of things to implement. Unless you take the definition of utopia that sees the utopia as necessarily ironic, since the utopia is a place that does not and can not possibly exist. I take most utopias as sincere attempts to influence change, though there are exceptions.

The question of whether the facility would be faculty-only, or if faculty children would be kept apart from students' children (if applicable) would be a bit stickier, but this might even be sticky if we were talking about university faculty's or grad students' or undergraduates' children, hierarchies being what they are. Which actually leads me to another point: At the university from which I have my B.A., there was a child care center that was available to faculty, staff and students alike. Rather than requiring the parents to keep their children in the center for fixed hours, parents could, at the beginning of each semester, register for the number of hours and specific hours needed for their particular teaching, work or class schedules. Thus, child care was available when necessary, and no one was forced into predetermined hours to maximize either the child's hours in the facility or the facility's profit. And no one had to pay for more hours than they needed or wanted, which often leads to the feeling that, "Well, if I'm paying for it, s/he might as well stay!" By contrast, the children's center on the university campus where I currently teach has fixed hours, was (at one time--perhaps still is) full-time only, and was at one time for faculty only (or at least preference given to faculty/staff), though I believe this has changed, as some grad students--like my office mate--have their children enrolled in the center.

The Best of Both Worlds

After my recent posts and the responses that others have posted, I found, on my wanderings, two posts that seem to address what I will call wanting "the best of both worlds." Because I believe that that's what I'm striving to achieve. I do naturally assume that most mothers want to spend time--some time, all of their time, more time, whatever--with their children. I feel that this can be accomplished more than it is being now by a pervasive change in attitude. And, well, it doesn't seem that I'm alone here.

In her post on Women, Work and the Church, Sarahndipity refers to a blog post by Radical Catholic Mom that raises the issue of women, work and families within Catholic marriages.

The argument is a familiar one (at least to me)--that in a Catholic marriage, we are called to be "open to life," and while this does not necessarily mean that every Catholic family must be a large family, large families are regarded as evidence of the couple's own generosity, and are certainly a blessing and an asset to the Church (and to society more generally!). Here I am using the post as a jumping off point for what I already know about this subject, which is one I have certainly considered. So depending on the couple's situation and their discernment of family size, taking into account any surprises God has in store for them along the way, the couple has to decide at some point which spouse will be primary caregiver for the children, or whether the children will be in daycare, etc. Or the couple may not have to decide, since they may already know that one or another parent prefers to stay home full time. Or they may not decide, since the default stay-at-home parent, if stay-at-home-parenting is deemed necessary, appropriate, or preferable is generally (though not always) the mother. On the other hand, potential career paths or the spouses' earning potential might dictate which parent (if either) stays home.

The point made by Radical Catholic Mom seems to be that if Church teaching is strictly followed, women will continue having babies every couple of years and stay at home, even if they desire to work, thus becoming entirely financially dependent on their husbands. There is some room for disagreement with this representation of Church teaching--at least I hope so, for my sake!!--as Church teaching does allow for the couple's discernment of family size based on any number of serious considerations (this is very briefly mentioned in the post; perhaps she treats it in more detail elsewhere). The nature of "reasons" and what constitutes "serious" are often disputed, and I think the phrasing is left intentionally vague, likely to give Catholic bloggers something to debate on a regular basis. She goes out on a limb by stating that "the Church allows men to have it all," a point Sarahndipity and others dispute.

Sarahndipity extends the argument ways that I find interesting given my own recent posts and the fact that unlike Radical Catholic Mom, she addresses means of correcting the problem and resists the temptation to lay all blame at the feet of the Catholic Church:

. . . .

However, for me at least, working part-time or from home actually sounds much more appealing then a traditional full-time job. Even if I wasn’t a mom, this would still be more appealing! And it’s almost always women who go this route. So from that point of view, women actually have it somewhat “better.” The problem is that fulfilling part-time work is hard to come by, and home business are hard to start. If it were easier, I would say women would have the better deal. But as with all things in life, it’s a trade-off.
. . . .

I think much of the problem lies with the society, which does not value children and forces women to conform to career paths that are easier for men. I think what we need is more family-friendly career options, like part-time work, flex time, work-from-home options, home businesses, etc. (And it’s not just women who deserve family-friendly work – men should not have to work 80-hour weeks and never see their families just to put food on the table. The workplace needs to be more humane for everyone.)
. . . .

Sounds familiar! So when I say that I want to work in a job that I feel allows for time with my family, and that I don't want to leave my children in the care of others, and that this should be O.K., I am echoing the sentiments of others. The interesting thing with my situation is that I don't really have the choice to stay at home full-time, even if I wanted to (which, right now, I don't really want to do, because as much as I complain, I do find what I do fulfilling!) since right now, in spite of my husband's excellent and diverse qualifications and multiple degrees, my career path is more clear-cut. I am our hope right now for a larger income and a move out of this town/state (whichever). I've gotta tell you, if this is what men who are the sole or primary providers face, it's a lot of responsibility and quite a burden! At one point we thought the job market thing would be more mutual, and that whoever got the job with the potential for a spousal hire (and moving expenses! don't forget moving expenses!) would determine & direct our move, but that's not the way things actually worked out in our case. But what she suggests is what I would like--the flexibility to parent my children for the better part of the day/week without having to give up the career path I have chosen (even if that were a real option). Incidently, I feel like, in this case, that "career path" thing is a "serious reason" to postpone pregnancy in our case (even by Church standards), since 1) circumstances have, indeed, permitted me to get this far, 2) mine is the career that has the greatest potential for advancement at this point, and 3) do student loans count? Anyway, I certainly believe that the "best of both worlds" should--and could--be an option.

Anastasia, who has also spilled a lot of virtual ink on this topic, and who opened this can of worms (at least for me), has some thoughts on Women who want too much, which to me, sounds like women who also want "the best of both worlds"--this time, for purely secular reasons (or not necessarily, but not explicitly for religious reasons either).
Incidently, my conversion to Catholicism has nothing at all to do with my preference for not putting my children in daycare--those ideas were well-formed long before I seriously considered converting!

Anastasia addresses "the accusation that mothers just want the whole world to revolve around them and all of society to cater to their every whim" and "the accusation . . . that mothers, by demanding better treatment, can go too far and wander into the mistreatment of others." She "read(s) it as a power play. The one demanding a voice must either pull herself up short or be pulled up short by others in the name of balance." She concludes with two nice paragraphs that need to be quoted in full:

. . . .
A society that would allow me freedom and equality, as a woman with children, is a better society for everyone. A society that respects and supports mothers should be a society that respects and supports human beings as individuals embedded in a web of familial relationships. The goal of feminism, as I see it, is to humanize the culture, not to marginalize the masculine. The focus is on the marginalized (i.e. women and children) but the goal is a reimagined society in which the human being is valued as such and the rights and needs of individuals as human beings are respected.

My point being, I think the idea that mothers just want the world to cater to them is a rhetorical ploy, intended to put women who make strong arguments for change in their place. It has the same function in discussions of race relations. It keeps the mistreated at the margins, subject to the will of the mainstream.
. . . .

I like the idea of a movement to "humanize the culture," with a goal of "a reimagined society in which the human being is valued as such and the rights and needs of individuals as human beings are respected." I'm not entirely sure that I see that as a goal of feminism per se (it wasn't a goal of humanism, either, and that tag is already claimed), but those feminists who see that as their goal have my blessing. (Which does not mean that I would consider calling myself a feminist--even of their ranks! For me, that would leave me open to the assumption that I believed in things and supported things in which I do not believe, and which I do not support.) If pressed, I probably could think of a movement that promotes that goal, even if it hasn't always worked out that way (there's no accounting for humanity, after all).

Departing from the world of blogs for a moment, one of the web sites to which I was directed by AcadeMama also seems to support the rights of mothers to pursue--and perhaps achieve--the best of both worlds. This is the web site for M.O.T.H.E.R.S.: Mothers Ought to Have Equal Rights. It is rare when a search of a site that is considered feminist doesn't turn up any references to abortion (like this one: The Motherhood Project); I am sorry to say that Mothers Ought to Have Equal Rights doesn't have a search feature, but there was nothing overt. One of the sites they link to is a project of NOW Legal Defense and Education Fund, so do with that what you will. Not knowing enough about it, I don't endorse this site in any way, but I did find it interesting that they are, essentially, working for the recognition of the worth of mothers (and other primary caregivers) in economic terms. I would love to dispute the claim that "(m)ost mothers are 'dependents' in marriage, not economic equals. They have no unequivocal right to half the family assets, and are not considered joint recipients of the family's income during or after marriage." Familial experience has shown me that this is easily true, though I would say that any marriage that actually operates according to this principle is an abusive marriage on some level.

We of course hope that when men are the primary--or sole--economic providers, that their priorities lie with their families. Unfortunately, the "my money"/"her money" dynamic does exist, though it shouldn't exist, even when both spouses work. This dynamic existed in my mother's marriage with her second husband, who gave her $50 a week for groceries for 6 kids (her "spending money"), while he also had $50 "spending money" for bowling, fast food, and beer, with exclusive use of the checkbook when he felt like punishing her. So when Mothers Ought to Have Equal Rights quotes the statistic that "(m)others' lack of financial equality in marriage deprives children; fathers are statistically less likely to spend their money on childrens' health and education" (sic), it certainly rings true. I know divorce is a separate situation, but let's just say that the children's health care that he was ordered to pay was arranged in such a way that my mother could not access the benefits. We hope that the marriage won't actually end this way or operate this way, but in reality, it happens to too many women--even those in Sacramental marriages.

So far, I have dwelt on the worst of all possible worlds. But I feel that the arguments of a woman who raised 6 children, enduring varying levels of mostly verbal, economic, and emotional abuse, who was finally able to break free of the immediate control, but feels entitled to economic compensation for the work she did as a mother and for the emotional abuse that literally prevented her from working outside of the home and then made her feel like a failure when she had to quit her job(s) to care for her children, who suffered from manipulation, anger & neglect while she was gone, would be regarded as "wanting too much" (using Anastasia's phrase out of context). Though she has worked enough hours in her lifetime to retire (once her 13-year-old is independent), she is nevertheless expected to get a minimum wage or entry-level job or have one imputed to her by the courts.

Sarahndipity notes, separately, that "[w]e also need to realize that for women, the male pattern of graduate, get a job, work for 30 years straight, and retire doesn’t work as well. It would make more sense for women to have their children while they’re young and reenter the workforce later (or enter for the first time.) Unfortunately, there is a lot of ageism that prevents older women from getting entry-level jobs." Yeah, there sure is.

So Mothers Ought to Have Equal Rights says that women who have raised children deserve to be economically independent, or at least, to have economic independence equal to those who have earned Social Security benefits. I'm not sure how this would be accomplished, or if there is any way to accomplish this in an equitable, just manner, but it is certainly an interesting idea. The problem is that trying to accomplish this through legislative means does absolutely nothing to help the women who are suffering from this very thing right now. And really, that's a problem. The site asks, in a rhetorical response to an anticipated question, "Why is it we always seem to find the money we need for so many things, but when women ask for themselves or their children, the money is never there?" Why, indeed? Why is there money to accomplish political lobbying, etc., but not to establish a temporary or permanent independent solution? After all, Social Security isn't much of a solution either--it's more of a problem. So why should mothers want to go on board for that one? And on the other hand, it is better than the alternative: nothing. But it is not giving mothers what they truly deserve: the best of both possible worlds--the experience, responsibility, rewards of having mothered and the social and financial independence of having worked a demanding, sometimes heartbreaking, real and socially valuable job.

The Condensed Version of What I've Been Trying to Communicate

Feminism

• Few people who talk about feminism and motherhood (specifically, none of the commentors on the post about child-free woman-only beaches in Italy) consider for one minute that a woman might LIKE to have her kids around, that she might actually arrange her time so that she CAN spend it with them (whether she chooses to work outside of the home or not), and that she doesn't consider them an impediment to her enjoyment of life.

• It may be (as Anastasia notes) that people are afforded too much child-free space, leading to the opinion that children are little obscenities ad should be hidden until they reach an acceptable age.

• Within feminism certain choices are affirmed, but others are not--because they’re driven by so-called "outdated ideologies."

• Not having a child at all--or certainly not having more than one--is considered by many to be the "enlightened" choice.

• Individuals who consider themselves "feminists" very rarely speak out against how the most vocal and most politically active "feminists" wish to portray themselves.

• Feminism is an ideology that is loosely based at best.

• Feminism strongly suggests that certain behaviors are appropriate in certain situations, and it does suggest that the woman look out for #1 without considering much else, really.

• I consider "feminism" to be distinct from "women's rights." The former label does not afford much besides political baggage and free-associations.

• Feminism states: Any woman who is pro-woman is feminist (as long as she is pro-woman in a way we like). That way, feminism makes sure that it can claim to be all encompassing (within limits).

• Feminism is about women's rights to have rights. It doesn't matter what the rights are or whether they're right by any standard--objective or otherwise. Rather, it seems to be looking for something prohibited to claim as a right. Maybe feminism itself is in crisis due to this lack of a unified cause.
  

• Pro-motherhood feminism always includes the caveat that the motherhood shouldn't really interfere with one's convenience--hence the emphasis on children being "planned."
  

• In order to subscribe to an ideology--to a belief system of any kind--I have to have a good idea, first of all, of the tenets of that belief system, and second of all, I have to be able to accept those tenets.

• While feminism has certainly afforded us choice, I maintain that it has affirmed one choice (many choices, actually) over its (their) alternative(s).

• It is perfectly acceptable for a feminist to condemn--implicitly or explicitly--the choices of a woman who bases her choices on so-deemed "patriarchal institutions," such as Christianity, for example. Her choices and her intelligence are thus judged in one fell swoop.

Children in Academia

• In academia, it is possible to make one's schedule family friendly.

• Children might even accompany the parent to office hours, etc.

• Research can be done in the presence of children.

• The presence of children does not preclude intellectual activity.

The Presence of Children

• Children don't have to be relegated to the care of others. It all depends on our perception of where they belong, with what they interfere.

• The idea that children need to, can and should make room for women's own goals is something that feminism has fought hard to achieve.

• The assumptions that children are a burden, make life difficult, and should be relegated to a space apart from one's career are assumptions that accompany women's presence in the workplace.

• We need to acknowledge that children can co-exist with parental ambition, and that difficult situations involving children can turn into occasions of triumph.

• Individual choices concerning what to do with children might differ from what they are currently if an atmosphere conducive to children were more pervasive.

• Some of our opinions on this subject are influenced by the fact that children are not well-tolerated in certain situations. I'm not sure why this is so offensive a point. To extend--we might have more options if children were better tolerated.

• It would be infinitely simpler to send my children to daycare, so I must have reasons for what I do, and those reasons are not affirmed by any of the theories or ideologies promoted in academia.

• I advocate the idea that the presence of children need not be regarded as a burden. The idea that children ruin one's life and career goals is unfortunate and pervasive. So if I can, in a small way, make people think about the presence or absence of children from our lives and our spaces in a different way than how they are accustomed to thinking, I am satisfied.

Rhetoric

• There is a difference between saying, "this is what's best for me" and saying, "I do things this way because I believe that my method is preferable." My statement that it is my belief that my method is preferable does not preclude logic and reasoning, and my beliefs on this subject are indeed based on logic and reasoning (not prejudice or even-- horrors!--faith.), as are most of the things I believe.
  

• The expression of the belief that all children benefit from being around their parents while they are young, or of any of the other opinions that I have expressed, does not infringe on anyone’s right to do anything. Rather, the expression of that belief is intended to make people consider possible bases and consequences of such a belief, and perhaps see that I am advocating a change in attitude that might make such choices more frequent and available to more people.

• Saying that my choices are different, not influenced by the prevailing mindset, and that it would be nice if the prevailing mindset were different does not say that my choices are best for everyone, or that I want everyone to choose like me. Hell! If I said that, I’d have to put up with everyone else’s little monsters!! ;)

It should come as no surprise. . .

Really. It shouldn't surprise anyone that I feel the way I do about children and daycare. Because it's tough to juggle schedules. It's tougher some days than others, but there are definite challenges involved with bringing children places--especially places that are not child-friendly. Academic departments, for example. It would be infinitely simpler to relegate them to the care of others--sure! So there has to be a reason that I do what I do, no? A reason that I have not seen affirmed by any of the theories or ideologies promoted in academia. So I might as well write about my ideals before I have to compromise them at some point down the line. I dread the semester when I can't make it work. So far, admittedly, I've been lucky. But then, I've had only one baby at a time. Still, I will avoid it for as long as I can, and I will keep them in child care for as few hours a week as I can manage (which academia does allow), when and if the time comes. It's a conscious choice, and like most conscious choices, it does involve judgment of the alternative options (as the homeschooling parents out there know, right? ;) ).

Let's Talk About Children. . .

. . . Since we've talked about feminism and motherhood. The original posts that got me thinking about the ways feminists talk about motherhood were about the prohibition of children from certain spaces and the relegation of children to private spaces based on an inferiority of children. One commenter actually said that she considered herself to be raising her children to become human. This is an interesting extension of the argument that says a fetus isn't human--in her construct, she could easily justify the infanticide of ancient Greece and Rome--or of that girl who gave birth in the bathroom during prom. Clearly, she was exaggerating (I hope). Just as clearly, many, many of these women have some psychological problem that makes them resent and lash out against the smallest, least protected, most powerless members of our society who are still acknowledged as such. So we'll suggest that this is a personal problem shared by this substantial group of individuals who also happen to gather together under the label of "feminist." We will further concede that this group is perhaps a bit extreme in their not wanting to be disturbed by children--or by women talking to their children--in the grocery stores. Having made a great number of concessions, I have a few observations to make.

Academia is a very flexible career choice. If one wants to be in a 40+ hour a week desk job, one has the option of administration. However, many academic administrators work considerably less than that. If one wants to split one's time between editorial duties with a journal and teach a class or two, that is an option also. If one has what is considered a "good" teaching load as a tenure-track professor, one likely teaches 2-3 courses a semester. Once tenured, this might decrease further. If one has taught the same class multiple times, one is usually able to teach without much time spent preparing. Then, there is the research requirement, which can be accomplished anywhere. Conferences are like mini-vacations for those who can afford them and are accustomed to them, though for a beginner and one with a modest income, they can afford considerable stress.

Enter children. Or, consider children if they happen to exist already. Clearly, an administrative job would provide challenges for someone who wanted to spend a significant amount of time parenting. If one has a teaching job, however, it is possible for the number of hours actually spent away from the home to resemble a part-time rather than a full-time job. It is even possible, with departmental cooperation, to make one's schedule family friendly by working only 2 or 3 days a week, or by working mornings or evenings only (perhaps alternating with a spouse) and spending the remaining time with one's children. Children might even accompany the parent to office hours, meetings with students, less important departmental meetings, film showings, lectures or other after-hours activities (this would of course depend on the age and behavior of th child(ren) involved). This is challenging, but has its rewards. Research can be done in the presence of children just as easily as housework was traditionally--not that I'm saying that this was/is always easy. Clearly there are good hours and bad hours, and good days and bad days. But you know what? That article or whatever can be written with the kids--at least, if you don't procrastinate like me!!--and if you don't blame the kids for taking up too much of your time, and if you're not afraid to let them entertain themselves, or to stop when they need your attention. It can be done--just as easily as blogging with kids. The presence of children does not preclude intellectual activity. Conferences are rare, but can be turned into family vacations, with the other spouse filling in time gaps while the attendee is in sessions. Or if not, what's a weekend away once a year? Not too traumatic. (But don't--for God's sake DON'T--breastfeed in an MLA session!! I can't remember the name of the audacious academic who pulled that "stunt," but I have it on good authority--good feminist authority--that one simply can not do that!!--The horrors!!)

I have been asked point-blank if my children are in day-care. I have said no. And I have been asked how I get any work done. I have been told about the impossibilities of working on anything with (a) child(ren) around--all by other women. All by my peers. And I have been doing this for 10 years. Well, unless you count all that time when I was living at home with 5 siblings helping my mom go to school while I was an undergraduate. In that case, I've been doing it much longer. I have not asked how they afford 40-hour child care. I don't want to know. I can't, and I really don't want to try. But I am a fairly lone figure pushing my stroller on a regular basis through the halls of the department. My children are well known by all who see them--and this has been my modus operandi since I stepped into the building almost (God help me!) 8 years ago. Others have their children with them sometimes, but only occasionally, whether to show off, or because of a school/daycare holiday, or illness. But I maintain that it doesn't really have to be like this. Children don't have to be relegated to the care of others. It all depends on our perception of where they belong, with what they interfere. Truly--I believe it is a matter of perception. And that's where I think feminism has some part to play. Unless one wants to say that it could have a pro-child part to play but doesn't. But the idea that children, who once were the responsibility of women but need not be, should be relegated to other spaces to make room for women's own goals, needs, desires, whatever, certainly is something that feminism has fought hard to achieve.

Women in academia are supposed to be feminist. No one will dispute that. It's one of those "well, she's intelligent, so she must agree with this. . ." These assumptions run rampant through academia. The assumptions that children are a burden, make life difficult, and should be relegated to a space apart from one's career are assumptions that accompany women's presence in the workplace. While some may disagree, this is rare. I have known professors to keep their children in after-care daily rather than have them at home with the parents (both academics) when the parents' schedules ended earlier than a 5 P.M. day. I have seen children kept in child care situations "just in case" meetings or other activities should come up. On the other hand, I have met two academics--a single father and a mother (possibly separated--I'm not sure) who, in their early days of tenure-track, brought their children with them to class, office hours, after hours situations. These are the professors I admire, as they balanced their career goals and their family goals, standing up for their children's rights to exist, to exist in public, and to be with their parents. What may have been borne of difficult situations turned into triumph for all involved. And we just need to acknowledge that children can co-exist with parental ambition, and that difficult situations involving children can turn into occasions of triumph. But does feminism teach this, really?

Go Ahead. Laugh. I don't care.

You may recognize these lines as the ones Mowgli utters in the Disney version of Jungle Book when he finds himself lost among the vultures. That's about how I feel right now. The whole "academic motherhood optimism" seems ill-placed. I know that I can do it, but I do need some cooperation from others, and it's not happening.

I was assigned to teach freshman comp. No problems there. I long ago gave up playing the "I deserve to teach lit more than (insert name or category of grad student)" game. I know I have seniority; I don't need it proven to me. It's a silly game and I'm not going to play it. If I ask for freshman comp, guess what? I get freshman comp. No surprises. And I've taught it a bunch, so the prep is easier--as long as I don't change textbooks every semester. But then, I became pregnant. Aha! The plot thickens.

So it seems that the powers-that-be declare that freshman comp (at this university, anyway) can not ever be taught in a way that resembles a distance course, even for a limited amount of time while the instructor is delivering and caring for a newborn. First mistake--asking permission. But the powers-that-be include the dissertation director, so I would have been found out eventually. At least, I think he would have noticed. And he offered helpful solutions--teach advanced comp, which is taught as a hybrid course (in-class and online). I would only have had to report one day a week. However, they who give the assignments did not comply--or even answer his request, and I believe he has been too busy to follow-up, or has had nothing to report. Meanwhile, I could not submit a request for a specific days/time because the times/days for advanced comp are very different from the times/days for freshman comp, so if I gave preferences for one course, they would be irrelevant to the other course, should I be switched. Of course, when I received my schedule, it is the worst possible schedule in addition to the course I am not allowed to teach.

So I am supposed to teach freshman comp from 3-3:50 MWF. First, I can't afford 3-day child care. I can't really afford child care at all, especially when I'd rather have my child with me. But a 2-year-old would at least be able to play, unlike a younger baby (but I'm being told that because she doesn't turn 2 before Sept. 1, she would be in the 18-24 month class, which is a whole different frustration!). Second, part-time child care (and I refuse to do full-time, even if I could afford it!) ends at 2:30. Third, there's that other child of mine who gets off of school in the 3-3:50 window. And then there's that whole taking off the last month of the semester thing. Even if I deliver on time or late, I would need an extraordinary number of substitutes to cover 12 classes!!

In past regimes, the grad student with the schedule conflict would inform the professor who makes the schedules. If the concern was pressing, it was remedied; if not, the grad student had to cope with the difficulty of life for a semester and, basically, get over it. But whining has become increasingly tolerated, and everyone thinks his/her situation is more important than everyone else's. There used to be an acknowledgment, among grad students and faculty, that some people's scheduling needs were more pressing than others. First, class schedules were considered for those who were still taking courses. Second, families or those who had long commutes. Other concerns--like whims, not wanting to work 3 days, or that "other" job that we're not supposed to have--were considered afterwards, if at all. And generally, if one wanted consideration for family concerns, etc., one had to be up front with them early in the request process. I rarely had 8 A.M. sections, for example, because I had to drop my son off in the mornings. The responsible faculty member also took responsibility for rearranging assignments as necessary. Now, we are left to seek the mercy of our peers, which works in some cases, but not all. After all, who really wants a 3-day a week freshman comp? When I first started, we didn't have a choice--pretty much everyone taught freshman comp. And while there was a little grumbling about unfair favoritism, everyone knew that you paid your composition dues before teaching lit. Not so now. And it complicates matters.

I have had a babysitting offer, and one offer to exchange an unknown day/time of freshman comp for my section, but neither offer, while appreciated, takes care of the postpartum dilemma.

Had a mini-breakdown last night. Let's call it hormones. I had two stressful days of making phonecalls and sending emails, finished a nursing top and made a nursing nightgown--neither of which came out as I expected. Found out that even though student loans are being paid, the Department of Education felt the need to confiscate the tax return for the second consecutive year. I'm worried about the baby because no measurements were taken last appointment and I haven't gained any weight (unusual for me). So I went to bed, I cried, then I nearly threw up because my nose was clogged. I cried because I don't want to buy new baby clothes if it's a boy. I cried because I sound like a really strong, self-assured person and all of my plans (which worked for the first 2 babies) are failing. And I cried because there are legions of people (faculty included) who would kill for the opportunity to gloat over a failure to make academic motherhood work.

I had a teacher in high school who used to say that we frequently "set ourselves up for disappointment." I suppose she might apply this phrase to me. I think the idea is that if you don't aim high, if you don't reach for impossible ideals, you will not fall so hard when, in fact, you do fall, as is inevitable. I think I thought her advice was sensible and pragmatic at the time. It seems defeatist to me now. I can't actually see this teacher saying, "Why believe in anything if you'll just be disappointed?" Perhaps she didn't realize the implications of her words. But I remembered her words yesterday.

Cat's out of the bag. . .

That was the subject of the email that I sent to my dissertation director after the graduate coordinator told him my news--before I did--for the second time!! That's what I get for being cautious! I wasn't intentionally not telling him that I was pregnant, but I wasn't telling anyone yet. I like to wait until close to the second trimester, just for my own peace of mind. I told the graduate coordinator--who has been less than supportive of late--mainly because I was worried about the implications for my fall teaching assignment. If I deliver in early November, I will have a month left of teaching--and probably 2 writing projects to collect. If the baby comes early, as my last did, I will have much more class time to try to fill either by distance or proxy.

While the grad coordinator has not been particularly supportive to others, she did not say anything to me. Of course, I told her via email, I used the "unexpectedly pregnant" phrase, and I did not really ask for much. Still, she seems to feel the need to inform every newly pregnant graduate student (myself excluded) of her own choices with regard to family and profession. What is interesting about that is that her choices were shaped not only by a different "wave" of feminism--and, consequently, by a different perception of the effect of motherhood on a woman's autonomy, but also by a different academic climate--arguably one that was less friendly toward women and families than the current academic climate, whatever statistics and surveys (which typically survey those who are of the same generation as the graduate coordinator in question) may say to the contrary. Of course, one's expectation for the intermingling of family life and academic career depend greatly on one's goals for placement. I have never aspired to the Research 1 university. I think I can publish just as much with less pressure at a second tier university. Madam Grad Coordinator hails from one of the top ranked R1 universities--at least an initial postdoc or non-tenure, and considered herself a pretty radical feminist at one point. These things leave a mark on one's consciousness, even if one ends up at a Texas public university with delusions of grandeur (the university, not the professor).

The climate among the graduate students is overwhelmingly supportive. It's true that the department "baby boom" is a bit amusing from a certain standpoint--I mean, from when I entered the program until the first baby in the recent sequence--a little over two years ago--only one graduate student became pregnant (and only one faculty member, but that was quite a different situation), and she came into the program married and had 2 children (and 10 years on me) by the time I met her. She was the anomaly--even beyond an "exception." Quite a different story now! It's wonderful to have the support of other grad student moms--even if it is only expressed indirectly, or by a brief acknowledgment of a common situation. However, I am finding it to be much more. Today at a baby shower, I had one grad student offer to take one or more of my class sessions in the fall after the baby comes. This was completely unexpected! I admit, I thought I would have to make arrangements for myself and wing it as best I could. In a way, I guess I thought that by figuring things out for myself, perhaps in consultation with Grad Coordinator (and, it turns out, dissertation-director-soon-to-be-department-head), I would be preparing myself for when I actually have a tenure-track job. The line of reasoning lies something like this: well, without artificial birth control, "oopses" happen; in academia, there is no such thing as "maternity leave" (unless one happens to be working on a book and eligible for a sabbatical, but then one has to produce a book and a baby); thus, when "oopses" happen, if one still wants a paycheck, one must teach and use available resources (in this case, electronic) to make it happen. I did not quite consider that colleagues are, indeed, resources!

The above rationale is a distinct departure from my attitude toward pregnancy-and-baby-number-two. Since I had actually, consciously decided to have a baby, I felt, somehow, that I should be able to take time off and devote time and effort to the pregnancy and the baby to the exclusion of all else. As it turned out, I was able to take a rather nice break from working, but family and natural disasters prevented this break from being as baby-focused as I had imagined. This time, I have a very "life goes on" attitude--which sounds harsh, but which doesn't exclude joy or appreciation of the new life beginning! It's merely a more practical and realistic (and hopefully productive) approach to the whole school-work- baby process. It's similar to the attitude I had when I was pregnant for my first, only with my first it was a very "in your face" "see what I can do and have a baby too?" kind of attitude. I was proving something that I believed in--that life did not cease in any sense with pregnancy. It's a firm belief of mine, and a recurring theme on the blog, I think. Call it a reaction against "The Awakening"--a text I have always despised. At any rate, I hope the "hurry up and finish before the baby comes" urge kicks in instead of the "sit back and wait for baby," because I really would like to graduate sometime this decade! (Things are looking good for a May 2008 graduation. Shhhh! Don't tell the student loan companies!)

So with the cat out of the bag to the faculty (or the two who matter most), the cat came further out of the bag last Sunday, when I told my oldest, who is 10. I had been waiting to tell him, because of the usual reasons, but also because I just didn't quite know how to tell him. Imagine being nervous about telling a 10-year-old about a pregnancy! I knew he would be excited, I just didn't quite know how to approach the subject. Well, we were having dinner with a friend of ours who is a deacon and baptized both our son and daughter, and who will baptize our new one, and he mentioned baptizing our new one, and how it will be the most children he has baptized from the same family. Our son perked up a bit at this, but remained quiet. At home, he started to ask, but dismissed it as something he didn't quite understand. Later that evening, we explained the remark, and told him that he would have a new sibling. He burst into tears!! He was so happy! (It also rather explained why I've been tired and nauseous--a real cause of concern to him--for several weeks!) He then told my youngest brother, who is 2 1/2 years older than my son, and is crazy about little babies.

At the baby shower today (a grad-student affair), there was baby talk all around, so a few new people learned the "secret." All good. Now for the 18-month-old. . . Hmmm. . .

The Ugly Green Monster, or Being content with your own challenges

It is always difficult comparing oneself to others. It is perhaps more difficult not to compare oneself to others. The tendency is one that every parent (every parent, that is, who does not encourage such comparisons) combats as soon as his/her child enters school. "Tommy is 3 pages ahead of me in math!" "Jimmy read 3 books and I'm only on my second!" "Caleb and Cody run faster, and Ruben is a better soccer player!" But in all reality, I think most adults are equally guilty of comparing themselves to others, and that the result of such comparisons is the inevitable envy of others' situations. It is a struggle to remember, at times, that our situations are frequently the results of our own different goals and choices, and that others' challenges may be more difficult than ours, even if their circumstances seem better in one way or another.

This is something I have struggled with ever since coming to Texas. The standards by which native Texans judge life--especially the financial aspects of life--are radically different from how I understood things growing up in New Orleans. Graduate students still being supported by their parents and grandparents provided my first great shock, but I think this difference really gelled for me when a friend's husband remarked that he didn't think they were yuppies yet, but that he hoped to be so one day. To me, the term "yuppie" represented something like Matthew Arnold's use of the term "Philistine" in Culture and Anarchy, or the term bourgeois to societies that value aristocratic culture. To him, "yuppie" represented a standard of income and comfort to which he aspired. As I remarked to a student the other day when we were discussing graduate school and income, specifically, the idea that some B.A. degrees have a greater payout than many graduate degrees, it definitely depends on your perspective whether a graduate degree is "worth it." My family already earns more than my family's income when I was growing up (inflation notwithstanding), and my mother had 6 children. I am only on #3.

Though I have stopped panicking about the financial aspect of this pregnancy, having found that my insurance will probably only require us to pay about $600 for every aspect of this pregnancy and delivery, it will not be easy on us to have #3 at this stage. We just decided that we could afford #2, when we were confronted with the choice, shortly after her birth: reconcile with the USDEd or be garnished. (Forbearances fell through the cracks.) We considered ourselves to be doing pretty well, comparatively. We were better off financially than we ever had been since marriage. My husband's job was more stable (since he gave up the teaching that he enjoyed) and he was guaranteed a paycheck 12 months of the year (which I am not). So I was shocked when a friend of mine, newly married herself, devoutly Catholic, a great advocate of NFP who considered me an NFP "success" when I became pregnant shortly after becoming Catholic, presented me with a couple of shopping bags of baby "gifts"--chosen from the crisis pregnancy center where her Dad worked. Was I to be a charity recipient? I in no way felt like I was the person for whom those goods were intended. I was married, my pregnancy was "planned". . . I could only assume that she either believed that my daughter was an NFP success because I was "open to," but not necessarily trying to achieve, pregnancy, or that we were too poor to be able to afford another baby. Either impression was disturbing.

Inevitably, when one is close friends with people, particularly, it seems, with couples, one becomes acquainted with their financial situations. In the case of this friend and her now-husband, I know that they planned meticulously (albeit quickly) for marriage by taking stock of their various resources, considering their compatibility and God's will--things that it would not have occurred to me to do, and which, if considered carefully, would have contraindicated marriage because of our financial situations at the time. So we came to realize that these newlyweds, who did not have children and did not have to pay rent because of an arrangement with the homeowner, made roughly twice our income. Other friends exceeded our income by something like three times, but did not feel financially secure enough to have a family, in spite of their significant lack of debt. We have always struggled. It may have been wrong to compare ourselves to others who did not choose graduate school, or who did not finish or work continuously towards the degree the way I have. But the comparison was inevitable, and the seeming unfairness of the situation preyed on my mind. It also puts one at a disadvantage in a friendship to feel as though, if your friends can't afford a child at $100K, how can they respect your decision to have a second at $40K?

I have discussed elsewhere the dilemma of helping relatives who need financial assistance after being displaced by Hurricane Katrina. We pay for two cars, but only have use of one.

Things will not be easy, and I am still over a year away from the possibility of a tenure-track job, though all the instruments we have agree that motherhood decreases a woman's chance of achieving tenure, either because of her own decisions in the matter or others' prejudices. Fatherhood, by contrast, according to an article I can no longer find, increases the man's chance of advancing in academia, providing his fatherhood is a subtle aspect of his persona. My husband had to abandon the possibility Ph.D. a while back, in support of my own Ph.D. (though perhaps not permanently). So I'm pretty much our hope for any increase in income. Later, not now.

And here I am, working on #3.

The question occurs to me, once again. . . What is the role of Divine Intervention in financial matters? There are many whose blogs I have read, notably Jen at Et tu, Jen?, as well as commentors on a previous post of mine, who believe explicitly and implicitly that God does provide materially and in tangibly noticeable, even dramatic, ways. I have always experienced it as a slow inching, by degrees, to a slightly more preferable state, followed by a number of setbacks like a seized tax return after loan consolidation paperwork fell through, or sabotage by graduate coordinator of the Ph.D. program that my husband would have graduated from by now, or the sabotage of a willful department head who could not see why someone with a family and an excellent teaching record deserves to teach, and be paid for, the full-load of 4 classes instead of 1.

If I accept my own view of things, that God does not directly intervene in financial matters, but provides for our needs in other ways, I can not account for others' financial-relief-though-prayer stories. However, if I accept others' faith in God's provision for our material needs--in some cases, wants--I am faced with the dilemma not of why my needs are not met, but why others, in worse situations than mine, do not have the benefit of divine intervention. As for myself, I have either to conclude that I lack constancy in prayer and faith in this particular area of God's mercy, or that my situation is not bad enough to merit Divine Intervention, which I can accept, but I know that there are more pious people than I who are very, very desperately poor.

This was not intended to be a post primarily about finances, however, but about envy, comparing oneself to others, and finally preferring one's own challenges.

There are many other occasions that arise that encourage one to compare oneself to others. Mothers everywhere discuss childbirth experiences, early feeding issues, jaundice. . . I have twice had friends less experienced than I with breastfeeding spared the agony I faced with a child who would not wake up to nurse--who lost a pound of her birthweight while I waited for my milk to arrive. Whose doctors did not have to push formula, and who did not make them feel deficient. Baby and I survived these trials, and more. And it is difficult to see others breeze through. . . Except that one of my friends had to travel 3 hours in the days after her son was born to spend time with her father in his last days. She found that she was pregnant about the time that he learned that he had cancer, and had little if any hope of it being cured. So her unplanned pregnancy resulted in her father being able to see his new grandchild before he died. What a gift! And had she had to struggle with my new baby struggles, her ability to find time for her father would have been compromised. My other friend who has wonderfully had unparalleled success with breastfeeding almost lost her baby due to complications, endured an emergency C-section, and had a terribly emotionally taxing pregnancy even before the onset of health concerns for the baby. Her positive breastfeeding experience has allowed her a measure of comfort in all of this. It is impossible to feel actual envy in the face of these circumstances, and it helps to be able to recognize that our difficulties are our own, unique to us, given to us with a recognition of what we are capable of handling, and from what we will benefit most in our particular circumstances.

Since finding I was pregnant, I have found more blogs discussing--often in grim detail--the emotional and physical pain of miscarriage than I ever suspected existed. I already knew of 3 fellow-graduate students who suffered miscarriages since I was pregnant with my daughter. This is not healthy reading for someone in her 9th week of pregnancy, but it does make it clear to me that my feelings about this baby--and this pregnancy--are not ambiguous. I did not expect that they would be, but being confronted with it concretely is a blessing of sorts. In the midst of my sadness and sympathy for others, I realize that I prefer my own challenges, and pray that I will not have to face what they have bravely endured.

Similarly, the financial burdens I have are ones to which I am fairly accustomed at this point. They weigh me down. They are ugly. They seem inescapable--and may well be. But they are my own challenges. I have a wonderful, supportive husband who understands me and does not demean me or my experiences in any way. We both value much in life above money, and we will hopefully teach our children this attitude. Likely we are not as generous as we could be, but since we both returned to the Church, this has been improving. It is difficult to be generous when one's mind is focused on one's own financial troubles! We love one another and our children. We will accept this new life with excitement. We have goals that are non-financial that may be within reach! So at the end of the day, the comparisons between our life and the lives of our friends do not hold up. We are living as we have chosen to live in many ways; we accept our own challenges and are satisfied.

ADDENDUM--Here is the source for my comments about academic motherhood and fatherhood, above, from The New Republic's Open University blog feature. Evidently the same search term yielded this result and one of my posts! It never ceases to amaze me how the web works. . .