Friday, December 7, 2007

Toddler Trauma, or Toddler Testing??

For the past few weeks, my toddler, whom we might call "Doodlebug" or "Doodle" has developed a new preference at bedtime. While I was pregnant, my husband almost always rocked her to sleep at night, especially during the latter months. If she expressed a preference for me, it was rare, and if I did not comply, she was generally not too worked up about it. This has changed, however. Instead, she wants me to rock her to sleep every night, on pain of wails, sobs, and generally uncontrollable crying. The problem? Without fail, the Moosette wakes up crying, needing to be fed or needing to be pacified in a way that only Momma can, just as Big Sister-doodle is settling into Momma's lap. Momma has dealt with this in a couple of different ways. A couple of times, Moosette & Doodle have snuggled into Momma's lap together, which Big Sister doesn't mind at all, but this poses a problem when little sister wants to nurse--the logistics are all wrong. Also, the Moosette has grown in the past couple of weeks, and Doodle is much more likely to get feet in her face than she was initially, which doesn't bother her, but isn't conducive to sleep, either! Letting Moosette cry a bit isn't an option, because Doodle takes too long to go to sleep. And again, the crying Moosette keeps Big Sister awake, either from concern or noise. Handing Doodle off to Daddy is a common "solution," but generally results in several minutes of very sad, very loud crying. This does nothing for Daddy's ego. She may be moving toward just lying in her bed to sleep at naptime, but not at night. The way I see it, one of the girls feels brushed aside whatever I do. I'm contemplating letting Moosette take a bottle while Sister is rocked, at least a couple of nights a week, or putting Doodle to bed as soon as Moosette eats, whenever that may be. Of course, Moosette likes marathon nursing sessions at night, too.

Incidently, the problem is worse when Doodle has had a shorter-than-usual nap. . .

Now, this could be simple toddler manipulation, but I doubt it. Ever since I came back from the hospital (where I stayed 2 nights while Moosette was observed for possible infection--a precaution), Doodle has awakened in the night crying for me. She had nightmares in the past, but did not specifically call out "Momma" or "Mommy." So I'm wondering if she latches on to me at night because she's afraid of my leaving in the night again. My other thought is that, while she is very patient and understanding when I care for the baby throughout the day, she sees bedtime and naptime as two times when I should be hers unconditionally. She has motioned for me to give the baby to Daddy (tried to move her there!) and tonight, when I walked in to the bedroom to relieve Daddy of screaming toddler duty, she looked in my arms and said with dismay, "A Baby!" (Other times she will wake up from her nap and look in the baby's bed and say, "Where's baby?" with equal distress, fearing that the baby is missing if she is not there, especially if the baby is crying.) It certainly makes sense that she would want Momma & Doodle time. It is an emotionally draining challenge that ends the day in the Literacy-chic household.

7 comments:

Dr. Peters said...

Poor Doodle and poor Mommy. Here we've shifted our schedule to allow for a later bedtime and later rising for Rebekah so that I can hold her for a little while after Annabelle goes to bed. While the baby certainly presents additional challenges, Doodle's behavior might not all be related to the baby. We did not have a baby when Rebekah was Doodle's age, but she also had nightmares and cried to be held at bedtime. I agree (for what it's worth) that it's probably not "simple toddler manipulation." Bedtime is hard for lots of kids--it's always been rough for Rebekah--and even though kids love both Mommy and Daddy, they are two different people and are not interchangeable. Maybe little Doodle just feels a strong need for Mommy during sleepy times and doesn't quite know how to cope with it. Seeing if baby lets Daddy handle her during bedtime, at least for a little while, sounds like a solution I would try. But that doesn't always work here--there have been several times when I have felt like I was wearing "baby earrings"--one kid hanging from each side of me. That's why we finally worked out a staggered bedtime schedule. Baby goes to bed, then toddler. I often let Rebekah watch a cartoon while I put Annabelle to bed so that she is sitting down and not fighting for my attention at that time--she has a tendency to keep Annabelle awake by either climbing in my lap or kissing Annabelle's face.

LilyBug said...

I like that you used the term "latches on" when referring to the Doodle. That's breastfeeding rhetoric for you :)

If you’re going to want to offer a bottle, I suggest doing it sooner rather than later. I had a difficult time introducing LilyBaby to the bottle because I waited too long (4 months). I also read in Baby Talk that you can start expressing at 3 weeks. So, give yourself a break and let daddy bottle and spend some time with Doodle. It seems that what you may be desiring too.

Literacy-chic said...

Not really what I want. January will be soon enough for regular bottles (twice a week while I teach), but it may come to that. I certainly wouldn't want her to have one every day. I must say, I didn't know there was a recommended time to pump or not. I already did once when I was engorged--week 2 postpartum.

Thanks for relating, Sarah. I also like the imagery--"baby earrings". Hah! ;) Last night we tried letting Doodle watch a movie with us while Isabelle nursed (Pride and Prejudice, which does keep her attention) with the lights out, but my brother is staying with us and disturbed her. :P I'll see what can be done about staggering the bedtimes. I think there are times with a new baby when, as sweet as they are, you're just kind of biding time until they get older! I would like more predictable eating/sleeping times, and to actually be able to put her to sleep rather than waiting for her to be ready. But it will come before long, and then before I know it she'll be two! ;)

Literacy-chic said...

I didn't know whether to end that last comment with a ;) or a :(

LilyBug said...

Yeah, pumping theory is kind of weird. I've read you're not supposed to pump too soon because you might jeopardize your supply. But then I've also read that you can pump early in order to store emergency /relief milk for later and build your supply. Who knows?

The best book I've read on breastfeeding is Breastfeeding: A Parent's Guide by Amy Spangler, R.N., M.N., I.B.C.L.C.. The book is in its 7th edition. It's shorter and organized for a quick read. It has a great section on "Breastfeeding and the Working Mother" that talks about bottles, pumping, etc. The one thing it doesn't talk about is the anxiety that may come about when separated from baby. I was terrified that baby wasn't going to take the bottle while I was away and my boobs projected a physical manifestation of this anxiety. Good times, I must say. But, in the end, it was worth it as pumping allowed me to give LilyBaby breastmilk for three four more months than I would have otherwise. Definitely worth it.

Of course, this book rec is meant more for your readers as I'm sure you have plenty of knowledge and reading material on the subejct already.

Literacy-chic said...

Never read one, actually.
Just asked Mom.

Melanie Bettinelli said...

Poor thing.

"She may be moving toward just lying in her bed to sleep at naptime, but not at night"

Funny, we're in exactly the opposite situation. I can put Bella down awake at bedtime after bath, prayers with daddy, rocking, a book or two and a little lullaby and cuddling. But at naptime I have to read or sing until she's sound asleep in my arms. (Sometimes I start to fall asleep before she does!) If I try to put her down awake she just screams.

And we still haven't tried letting daddy rock her to sleep. I'm not sure how she'd like it. I suspect she'd not mind the cuddling but it wouldn't actually be conducive to sleep.