I am in the process of recovering from a very stressful meeting with Dr. Adviser. I was dreading it in the first place, and so having a mini-panic-attack which for me means that I am pretty much sick to my stomach. It started out bad and got better, though I know I will be replaying various segments of the 2-part lecture: part 1-I'm disappointed in your progress; part 2-this is what happens when you get pregnant as a grad student and it's not going to get any better. Great. What I didn't need was for my dominant emotion coming out of the meeting to be "WELL, I DIDN'T EXACTLY ASK FOR THIS, DID I?" That's a really healthy attitude for someone about to enter her 7th months of pregnancy. I didn't realize that was as close to the surface as it was.
Problem #1: Well, we've already covered the "I don't really want to do this," haven't we? The thing is that when I'm doing it, it's stimulating. When I'm not doing it, I dread doing it so much that I have no motivation to push myself.
Problem #2: Teaching 15 weeks worth of material in 5 weeks, while pregnant and anemic, hence exhausted, every day for an hour and a half in the heat of summer in Texas, having to trudge to another building in the heat, and trying to find someone to watch the children while I do it since my husband was unable to do it this time and even if I liked daycare, I could not afford any of the child care programs that could accommodate the time of day when I taught.
A couple of interesting highlights from the meeting that perhaps deserve further consideration:
Well, at least you can look at it this way--when you finish, you will already have your family. You won't be looking at starting a family when you get a job--oh wait! when you get tenure, like Drs. 1, 2, and 3 who--oh by the way--are not full professors yet because that's what happens when you take time out for kids.
The system doesn't really allow for time off for pregnancy. It's just not "woman friendly."
The last time you were pregnant you were far enough ahead that you could take some time off without it hurting you, but that just can't happen this time.
So there go all of my rosy optimistic ideas. Poof!
Clearly Dr. Adviser is not familiar with Natural Family Planning and that whole "openness to life" thing! And neither is anyone else. So basically, the problem is not so much the getting pregnant in graduate school. The problem is converting to Catholicism in grad school. I guess I should have waited for tenure first.
I'm sure there's a lot more that will come back to me from this conversation. I had at least expected some constructive feedback on what I had written. I was given something to research that might prove interesting--just the seed of something, but a direction to pursue nonetheless.
I am reminded of one of my earlier angry momma posts that asked whether God liked to play tricks on unsuspecting Catholic women by letting them know somewhere along the line that they're supposed to have large families instead of those other pursuits that they had--especially before they were married or before they were Catholic. It's all very well to say "re-prioritize," but a lot depends on where the family is at the point of re-prioritizing, and most who make that observation are either 1) the men--usually husbands, frequently husbands whose wives are stay-at-home moms, or 2) women whose husbands have jobs that allow for re-prioritizing of personal and familial goals. It also implies a degree of materialism and frivolity of personal and familial goals. So how does one "re-prioritize" away the financial need for a teaching assistantship, either to take care of babies or to finish a dissertation? And how does one "re-prioritize" away the need to finish last 3 chapters of a dissertation, abandoning the Ph.D. altogether? In spite of my lack of enthusiasm, I just don't see the value of abandoning everything at this point. In spite of my lack of enthusiasm, I don't really want to abandon everything at this point, as my "children in academia" posts should indicate.
But I'm getting off track. That's not at all where I wanted this to go, but it's all bound together. I know what's at stake and why I need to finish (after all, he's got 3 grad students in the pipeline after me--one of whom is also pregnant!). But that doesn't make any of this any easier--emotionally, physically, or intellectually.
14 comments:
There's no question of abandoning this, I'd say, unless you have compelling reason to belief that that is indeed what God wants you to do. (After all, in the end what is really important is that you are doing what God wants you to be doing, not whether or not all women should work or stay home, or what your decision says to others about what all women should do or can do).
It would be pretty sad to abandon a goal that is so close to completion. But don't limit yourself in your ideas of what you can do with this education once you have it. I hate to say this but tenure track may turn out not to be for you. Personally, I think the 60-80 hour work weeks some people put in on tenure track shouldn't be for most men either, but (shrug).
The trick with discerning God's will is that you only discern one step at a time. He doesn't seem to hand most of us laid out plans for the rest of our lives. You only need to know "what next", not what the rest of your life will look like. And trust that whatever comes after 'next', the time and effort you've put into your education isn't and can never be a waste.
Pax,
Kate
I deleted C's comment because it, well, named names. Here is the edited version:
Finish the dissertation. Then discern God's will. Of course I'm kidding. I agree with what Kate said, but really you should finish. And, remember, I speak as someone who is also in ABD limbo. But, unlike you, I will probably never actually write the dissertation - I don't even know where to begin. But you're almost there. Your intellectual method and prowess have gotten you this far; don't let anyone tell you they can't get you through this last event. You will get through. After that, whatever you decide to do...you'll always be Dr. Literacy-chic. Now, notice I'm not saying to finish this minute....but do finish.
-C
There's no real question of not finishing. But pressure of this sort doesn't make me any more willing to work faster. Indeed, my will to work tonight has been completely sapped by the encounter and ensuing email exchange that rather directly implicates (in spite of denial) the "lack of choice" that I have in my "decision" to "grow my family"--this from someone who provided the music at my Convalidation, knew about my conversion, and attended my daughter's baptism.
I don't really see tenure-track as require law partner hours, but that could just be me painting things too rosy-colored again. I have no compelling reason to believe that it is God's will that I stop--and usually, it has been pretty clear to me what I needed to do when my education hit a snag, roadblock, or natural stopping point. It always rather felt like God's will, even when I didn't call it that. It's just that the rhetoric of "re-prioritizing one's goals to include God's will" is very pervasive in Catholic circles, and the implication is usually to abandon career paths, etc.--especially for women who are mothers. But how can that be right when every indication is that it is more beneficial to continue?? There usually isn't a caveat that states that some women can value family, be devoted to that family, and still pursue careers.
Academia certainly isn't family-friendly; and (for women) Catholicism isn't career-friendly.... Having no advice to give, I can only tell you that I'm feeling some of the same pressures! (Except that I'm not actually pregnant; I'm only praying to be pregnant!!) I do want to be a mother--a good Catholic mother--and yet, at the same time, I would like these years of studying also to be fruitful! Meanwhile, my adviser and my priest continue to hint that I can give myself well to one or the other, but only imperfectly to both.
Recently I've begun to wonder if the homeschooling textbook market might become a good point of overlap between vocations.
Take care,
Rae
PS: "The thing is that when I'm doing it, it's stimulating. When I'm not doing it, I dread doing it so much that I have no motivation to push myself." This exactly describes my own relationship to The Dissertation (and I always think of it with imposing capital letters)!
PPS: I think that St. Gianna Molla had both a career and children--and this must have been God's will!
Meanwhile, my adviser and my priest continue to hint that I can give myself well to one or the other, but only imperfectly to both.
I do find it funny that this would never be said to men, but that's probably because men's familial roles are--let's face it--defined in a somewhat limited--and limiting--way. I don't buy into that, either, by the way. Now I do think that some of this could be cultural. On a previous post of mine, my friend Chris wrote the following:
I agree with you. I don't understand the logic behind "I can work, or I can have a family, but I can't do both." I guess that's because I am from a Catholic family where my mom was always the main provider! God gives us free will. He also gives us brains that absorb knowledge about certain things that we become passionate about, which in turn can lead to a job that one enjoys. Why then do people think that God intends women to be either a mother or an employee? I guess I just don't understand the logic behind that. Frustrating topic!
Back home in New Orleans, this wouldn't really be an issue. Lots of Catholic families have 2 parents who work. But values are a bit different there--family and leisure are as important as work if not more so--and incomes are lower than in much of the rest of the country, too, so having a single breadwinner is a lot more difficult.
Thanks for the comments, Rae, and thanks for the tip about St. Gianna Molla. I'll have to look her up!!
Ummm...now that I live in New Orleans, I don't know if I'd use it as an example of how two working parent homes can work, not if that is in any way responsible for the atrocious state of catechesis here! I've met so many adults who were 'raised' Catholic - which means they were sent to Catholic schools while their parents worked, and their parents assumed the Catholic schools would catechise them...I've never met so many 'Catholics' so ignorant of the faith.
Not that any of this means that working parents can't do a good job raising their children and imparting their values to them, just that I wouldn't use this culture as an example!
Yes, the "Catholic culture" of New Orleans is not necessarily a matter of religious belief or orthodoxy, but there is a difference in the way New Orleans as a historically Catholic city regards work, family, and leisure as compared to the Bible Belt or so-called Protestant New England, which also isn't very Protestant, you might note. Coming from this imperfectly Catholic city--having been born & raised there--I can say that it had more of a positive impact on my eventual conversion than negative. And from what I've read on all the blogs, aren't the 60s and 70s to blame for bad catechesis anyway? I thought it was a general trend across America, not just in New Orleans. Of course, perhaps the reason that you've never met so many 'Catholics' so ignorant of their faith is because you've never met so many all living in the same place before?
Perhaps what I was getting at with the New Orleans reference was--is this question being hammered too hard by Catholics because of Americans' worship of work and money? If our work ethic were more compatible with life & family, would it matter as much that both parents had careers?
Kate wrote:
"responsible for the atrocious state of catechesis here! I've met so many adults who were 'raised' Catholic - which means they were sent to Catholic schools while their parents worked, and their parents assumed the Catholic schools would catechise them...I've never met so many 'Catholics' so ignorant of the faith."
This can be said about many parts of the U.S. and is I think a generational thing that can be attributed to the upheaval in the years after Vatican II. I was fortunate that the the schools I went to were rigorous in their catechism, particularly in high school, becuase the people doing the teaching were either clergy or holders of advanced degrees in theology, not a classroom teacher teaching "religion" like any other class. The Irish grandmother was no slouch either in teaching about the rosary, novenas, scapulas, etc. However, I was lax and have ebbed and flowed in my pracitce of the faith, especailly when I was in college.
I've lived in Spain and visited England and Ireland. The practice in Spain was very laid back, Ireland had an intensity and in England, try to find a Catholic church in London - not an easy task. When challenged or not secure in the continued practice, the natural tendency, I think, is to pay more attention to the essentials and that which distinguishes you. In New Orleans or San Antonio or other cities with a long and predominant Catholic culture, the practice and culture are there, the rational is not. I think the Church has done a better job in the RCIA - and its antecedents - with catechesis than with us born and raised Catholic.
Why? If you're born and aculturated to the practice, then it's something you learn, another cultural norm. If the practice is something you need to make a concerted decision about, probe, query, demand responses, rationals, etc you're practice and knowledge will be stronger. I could pepper Dr. S or Fr. C - theology teachers at my high school - with questions and get thoughtful, detailed and sound responses. Could we do that with our CCD teacher on Sunday afternoon
between set in the volleyball game? The Church has not always been keen or good on encouraging laity or even all manner of clergy to grapple with catechism and its profound impact on practice and spirituality. Rather, go to mass, confession, hit a stations of the cross.... There's not the investment. Familarity breeds/premits a certain inattentiveness and that's an issue. But I'm not sure New Orleans, in particular, is any worse than other cities in the US.
It would help too if the materials were better and if there was some paternal interaction with the kids and instructors about the RE/CCD classes and materials. Also, and I know I might be flamed for this - some of the people conducting catechesis are so hokey and over-the-top with their "religiousity", I wanted nothing to do with them and tuned them and the message out of my mind. Y'all know the type I mean and avoid, to this day, if possible. The ironic thing is I was interstested and was a Eucharisitic minister as a senior in high school and helped distribute the Eucharist during school mass, but I couldn't tolerate the mamby-pamby stuff being done in CYO and other "youth" programs.
Well, previous to this I lived in (majority Catholic) Michigan, which had both bright and dark spots. I guess I lived in a bright spot.
I think I was misunderstanding your point though. If you are saying that the question of whether or not to work is less controversial when to 'work' doesn't mean selling yourself to your job, then I agree with you. I also hold that if more of us lived in communities where to work didn't mean being so physically distant (as is common in the commuter culture) then work wouldn't steal us so much away from our families. Blessed Gianna worked and raised children - somehow I don't think she worked 10 hour days though.
One of the appeals of academia for me has always been that the actual amount of time spent physically at the job can vary according to one's preferences. No way I'd spend 10 hours working ANY job. I do consider research to be a bit different, as I can write & research in the presence of my children and still be available to them.
Wow--amazing to see my own thoughts in someone else's post! I'm a bit behind (coming up on my 1 yr anniversary, in my 5th yr of grad school, and getting ready to take my PhD exams before the "diss"). I converted to Catholicism and got married in grad school too, which shifted most of my research interests to other sectores (religious lit) and definitely makes me question whether I want to go on. You're an inspiration (even if one that sometimes has some doubts :) and good luck with your dissertation and your advisor (sounds like some attitudes I hear in my program).
THANK YOU! It was nice to hear that. And good luck with your studies, too! ;) It definitely has its ups & downs. :P
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