Remembering Dante in a Moment's Respite. . .

I just couldn't resist this quiz that I found in a spare moment on Anastasia's blog after editing the course web page (I really was doing something productive!)

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very High
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Moderate
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Low
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Low
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Test

I really think they should have included heaven, for those who are lucky enough to fit right in, since otherwise most of us are going to fit into Purgatory, I wager. . . but I guess the danger is that it might have inspired Pride. . . and then the creator of the test would have been leading others astray. . . It's a vicious cycle! And actually, it would be nice if the quiz would have indicated where in Purgatory one would be--or would spend the longest. I wouldn't have been in heaven, and I probably would have been somewhere in the Pride circle, unless I was stuck with the Slothful. . . but clearly I'm gonna spend some time being burned, once I'm lucky enough to reach that last level of Purgatory!

I needed this little break!

Resisting Despair. . .

Hormones raging. Moving sucks. Not a good time to be pregnant. Not a good time for a new semester to be starting, either.

And though the UHaul (admittedly the smallest) is 2/3 full, our house still looks like a place that a family could live in comfortably without the addition of any furniture. It is rather conspicuously lacking in books. Or perhaps not. There are the stacks here and there that have not found their homes in boxes yet. No paths to holiness in this mess. Or sanity for that matter.

Relating to Celibacy. . .

Curt Jester has a post on how the provision that allows married Anglican and Episcopal clergy to be ordained as Catholic priests has been misinterpreted and leads people to false expectations and conclusions about the nature of priestly celibacy. He in turn links to a married priest's explanations of this topic. I find one of the Bible verses that Fr. Ryland quotes particularly informative:

When He called His successors, the apostles, “they left everything and followed him” (Lk 5:11). Later, Peter reminded Jesus, “We have left everything and followed you.” Then he asked, with typical candor, “What then will we have?” (Mt 19:27). Jesus replied, “There is no one who has left house or wife or brothers or parents or children, for the sake of the kingdom of God, who will not get back very much more in this age, and in the age to come” (Lk 19:29, emphasis added).

I find this interesting, because I always found it a bit troubling that Jesus should require his followers to leave everything--family included--to follow him. Rather the way I think that the Martha and Mary story is a bit unfair, since Martha was, indeed, shouldering her share of the burden of having guests while Mary was indulging, in a way, by listening to Jesus's teachings (I do of course understand that Mary was right to be attending to her soul. . . or that's the way it's been explained!) However, unlike my perception, that they were to leave wives that they already had, the implication here is that the apostles were leaving the possibility of marriage--leaving it before it was a reality for them. That is, vowing celibacy. This also clarifies the passage in which the righteous young man is told by Jesus to leave behind his family and all of his possessions to follow Jesus. When the young man says that he cannot do this, it seems like a failure on his part, albeit an understandable failure from the perspective of most of us (I dare say). However, read in light of the above passage, it seems likely that he was unable to leave his family because, unlike the apostles, this man may have already had a wife. This is speculation, of course, but it makes me feel better for his sake.

Now, if someone could help me out with Martha, who was likely an oldest child. . . ;)

Things I'm Thinking About. . .

Not grammar, clearly. No dangling prepositions here, no indeed! Well, I am packing and preparing for class next week, as the move and the first day of classes are both on May 29, so this isn't really a real post, it's just my way of getting down the things that have been floating around my head as I pack, especially since I have still been glancing at blogs, and even commenting on some, but not writing my own, which means the thoughts are accumulating and have to spill out at some point or another. So to save my husband my 1 A.M. insights into life and the universe, here's a little run-down!

1) The practical stuff: I am actually wondering if getting the UHaul on the 29th was smart. I probably should have reserved it for the 28th, provided they're open on that day, loaded it on Memorial Day and unloaded it on the 29th--the official move-in day. Hmmm. . . This is one of those thoughts that might require further action on my part. . .

2) I'm thinking about gender, though not in the way mentioned here. Actually, I am rather thinking about how my own perceptions of gender relate to the academic writings on the subject (represented very well by M's post, linked above) and the religious discussions on the subject that I have seen in various places, many of which I find disturbing in their characterizations of men's and women's roles. I fall somewhere in between. I can play "gender theory" with the best of them--you should see my paper on “Literacy, Patriarchy and Performance: Pedro Almodóvar on Writers and Writing” (it's a literacy-as-gender-performativity-thing)--but how I view things in the real world diverges somewhat from what I produce for conferences and courses. ADDENDUM: How I view things in the real world diverges somewhat from what I produce for conferences and courses where the subject of gender is concerned!

3) I'm thinking about how pregnancy hormones affect the mind. I've read in books that around this or that month of pregnancy, one can become "forgetful," "absent-minded," etc., but I've never seen anything about paranoia. Granted, I can be rather a worry-wort normally anyway, but seeing as how hormones are powerful creatures, it doesn't seem unlikely that they might be affecting my obsessive worrying about whether the baby is O.K., etc. In the middle of an obsessive moment the other night, it occurred to me how spoiled I am (we are?) by medical technology. It's one of the reasons I haven't wanted, in past pregnancies, to find out the sex of my baby. That and resisting the whole "must-buy-gender-appropriate-stuff" urge--I really resent the marketing push that reinforces the need for people to find out if they're having a boy or a girl, but I digress. . . Basically, I realize that my grandmother didn't have any special assurance that her 7 children were healthy and "normal." The doctors didn't even believe her when she said that she was having twins! (They had hiccups at the same time--out of sync!) My mother had to have an x-ray before delivering me at home to make sure my head would fit through her pelvis--the fit was exact. And that little doppler thing that they use to listen to the baby's heart now--how many women never heard their babies' heartbeats in utero? They just trusted that the heartbeat was there! (And somehow did not doubt that what was inside them was, indeed, a baby.)

4) I am thinking how nice it will be, for the first time, to teach a course that I have already taught--in the way I taught it previously. I have this bad habit of revamping each course I teach each time I teach it--thereby making more work for myself. But when I was pregnant for my daughter 2 summers ago, I taught Intro to Lit with a focus on fantasy as manifested in various literary genres. While I will rearrange the sequence somewhat and pare down the assignments some, I have left the syllabus mostly the same. Yay!

5) On the dissertation front, I am thinking about D. H. Lawrence's anxieties about gender and literacy--basically, if you were a scholar, could you also be a man? He seems to think not. In Lawrence, manly men are ignorant, country men, like his own father whom he hated. He left that background to become a writer. Evidently, he felt that he had sacrificed a vital part of his nature in doing so. I like Lawrence for this reason--in the midst of his machismo, he's so conflicted! Actually, I like Forster because he's conflicted, too, it's just different. . .

6) Another dissertation-related thought is what constitutes "literate activity." It's a central idea for me, which probably means I should keep it well-guarded and certainly not blog about it. Oh well! You see, though, different theorists and historians mean different things when they talk about "literacy." Some talk about the ability to read, while some focus more on writing. Some merely concern themselves with the presence of writing within a culture, whether or not anyone actually has access to the written materials. Some measure the ability to read by the ability to, say, sign one's name--this has been a traditional marker of literacy for historians, though we should be able to perceive some problems there. Then, there's "functional" vs. "advanced" literacy. I admit to bypassing a number of these questions, as "advanced" literacy is more my concern--I know, how elitist of me. But I'm focusing on fiction, after all. There is a certain assumption of literacy on the part of the author, who assumes that someone, somewhere will be reading this work, and writes according to his or her perception of the level of literacy of that reader. Which makes postmodern fiction either completely elitist, or an admission of despair. (I'm teaching Calvino's Invisible Cities this summer. Yum!) So I use the term "literate activity," which means that any time the author portrays someone reading or writing, I'm there. But I also contend that literate conversation--that is, verbal interaction between people that is informed by literacy (especially advanced literacy)--is also literate activity. If you haven't read the same books, you can't exactly talk about them now, can you?

7) And, then, Entropy has me thinking about the Holy Spirit & prayer and the role of the Gentiles in the development of Christianity, and I thank her for not letting me forget that Pentecost is approaching!

Literacy-chic admits that she was not hatched...

Okay, like Mommy Ph.D., I like using pseudonyms for myself, family, etc. Okay, I don't even use pseudonyms, they're more like epithets. Well, anyway, there must be a term for it. But others I know are less cautious. So, following their lead, here you can find a picture of my oldest younger sister and my brother-in-spirit, Chris, who just finished his M.A. and won a research award. Yay, Chris!! (My mom made my sister's dress, so there's MORE evidence of family!)

I took a cute picture this evening of my daughter eating ice cream out of the carton, but I'm not posting that one. Sorry! ;)

An Iron Chef Moment

These happen sometimes. The theme ingredient: leftover pork tenderloin.

So in two frying pans, I put a couple of heaping tablespoons of apricot 100% fruit preserves. I added a bit of water and integrated the preserves. To one of the pans, I added quite a bit of jalapeño Tabasco sauce. To the other, I added a good amount of chipotle Tabasco sauce (which pours more quickly). Then I added slices of the pork tenderloin and cooked until everything was warm & sticky.

On the side, we had the Mango Salsa couscous I have mentioned in a previous post and some canned petit green peas.

The results were quite lovely. I really enjoyed the chipotle. In fact, I intend to try baking some chicken pieces with the skin on in a whole jar of apricot preserves with chipotle Tabasco. Yum!

The night we cooked the pork loin, I made rice with artichoke & spinach, which would have been better had I had more dry white wine and had I not added the spice pack that came with a box mix of mushroom-spinach risotto. The leftovers were better--I added some diced tomatoes from a can, a little milk (cream would have been better), and some provolone (parmesan would have been better). This is a recipe I will have to recreate for my next Lenten meals series!

Because Life is Meant to Be Interesting. . .

I discovered today, quite by chance, that the financial aid department at my university no longer considers me to be in good academic standing. The reason? Because they claim that I have exceeded 180 hours towards a single degree. Now, the only way that I have exceeded 180 hours is if my M.A. is counted in the total. That's 2--count 'em!--TWO degrees. But because nothing is easy, I have to submit an online appeals form, which will not be read until I make an appointment with one of their counselors (who can't count anyway), and submit, as part of the appeals process, an Academic Adviser form verifying that I am following a degree plan, that I know all about getting a job in my field, and that I will graduate someday. It's always lovely to have to drag faculty into lovely little matters of not being able to manage my finances.

And nothing much is riding on these loan funds that are now being held. Nope. Just my entire move. Because the bank account is woefully low, the utility company seems to be charging a retroactive late fee from the last time we had service with them--5 years ago, and of course we have to pay the pro-rated rent for the 3 days this month we will live in the new place. Not to mention moving supplies, a truck rental--you know, the usual stuff.

And when was I to receive notice of this glitch in my financial aid? Who knows. The loan was added and removed from my account today, and I had to search my online records in order to find out anything. I discovered this while investigating why I had not been charged for my registered summer hours. So I guess there is some providence in the fact that I realized it now and not late next week when the money was completely gone. But I was slated to receive my funds next Tuesday or Wednesday. That is clearly not going to happen.

In a perfect world, I would not need the loans anyway. But in a perfect world, many of the financial setbacks we have had since we were married would not have happened, or perhaps, as some people advise, we would not have married until the finances were stable. But life doesn't really work that way, and so we will be paying loans until we die. Literally. That doesn't bother me--it'll be like renting our degrees for the rest of our lives. At least the loans don't transfer to the children. But I have to finish the degrees before I can pay the loans. And in order to do that, I need the loans. Kind of circular, no?

Anyway, this crops up at just this moment because I feel better about the pregnancy. The optimist in me says that this is so that I wouldn't have had too many things to cause anxiety all at once. The cynic in me says that it's so that I wouldn't actually get a break from stress. Oh, and the cynic adds, "Dissertation? What dissertation?"

Tagged again!

Entropy tagged me with this meme:

Grab the nearest book.

Open it to page 161.
Find the fifth full sentence.
Post the text of the sentence along with these instructions.
Don't search around looking for the coolest book you can find. Do what's actually next to you.

Interestingly, the first book next to me doesn't go up to p. 161. It's Hugh Kenner's The Mechanic Muse, about the influence of the typewriter on Modernism. It's one of the only books in the living room that isn't packed at the moment, and this meme has reminded me that I need to cite it in the dissertation so I can get it back to the graduate student who has it checked out and graciously lent it to me! (It has 131 pages.)

So, to compensate, I will refer to the next 2 closest books:

"Not only are today's maternity clothes a lot more interesting and practical to wear, but pregnant women can supplement and mix-and-match these specialized purchases with a variety of other items that they can continue to wear even after they get their shape back."
(I suppose that's their collective shape? Don't multiple pregnant women have more than one shape?)

and

"He led the sheep up the stairs, and then step by step he tugged and boosted her upward."
(No, really, it's a children's book--Farmer Boy, actually!)

Pretty funny stuff!

I tag both Darwins, who, I assume, sit in different places when they blog, and Chris, who had better post the answer before he leaves for Mexico! Also, Academama, who should have something interesting to add to this meme! I would have tagged "C," who posts under the tag "john," but she does not have a blog!! (dare I add, yet?)

Thanks, Entropy!

Pregnancy Over-Achiever?

So in spite of the fact that I suddenly realized a couple of weeks ago that I couldn't fit my clothes the same way, I have been having doubts and anxieties about whether everything was progressing the way it should with the pregnancy--specifically, I have been worried about the baby growing. I think I have been responding to a combination of factors, here. My last doctor's appointment was not particularly satisfactory. I was not measured because the nurse midwife doubted her ability to measure me at 13 weeks. The heartbeat was faint and hard-to-find and, I realized today, was not actually the baby--rather, 9 times out of 10, they are listening to the placenta! I guess that's a good indicator, too, but it's a little disingenuous to tell the mother she's hearing the baby when it's actually the placenta that she's hearing! Also, the trend in doctor's offices that don't want to eat the insurance offset for testing is not to test the mother's urine at each visit--only the "later" visits. So I had very little to reassure me at the last visit.

Also, I've been influenced by all of the accounts of miscarriages and pregnancy complications that I have been reading all over the web. Some from those whom I know personally, others, first-hand accounts from bloggers I "know" and others' first hand accounts in response to others' experiences, and then third-hand or more accounts of someone who had this thing happen, usually in a pro-life, don't-abort-imperfect-babies context. So these have been preying on my mind.

In addition, there is this "rhetoric of suffering" in Catholicism. I think it depends on how susceptible one is to such things, but I have a very vivid imagination where pain is concerned--physical and emotional. It's like an enhanced empathy. It has its good points with connecting with people, but also its drawbacks, like when I can visualize the accounts of grizzly murders, etc., on the news and imagine myself as the victim. I've done this from a very young age. I still suffer from memories of reading about Dr. Mengele at Auschwitz when I was a pre-teen. So the Catholic "rhetoric of suffering" (as I'm calling it). . . It's mainly intended to stress that God is present during times of suffering, to comfort those who are experiencing or have experienced pain, and to teach that those in pain deserve the chance to live through their suffering because God manifests himself in a special way in the lives of those who suffer. There is this idea that these people have a special "cross to bear," and that they will or should "join their suffering to the cross." It can be a difficult thing to wrap one's mind around, and of course, the lives of the saints and of the faithful who have survived trials and emerged recognizing their own strength provide examples to help with the concept of this special kind of holiness. Well, with my imagination, I find myself, in a kind of odd thankfulness for my own situation, waiting for an unfortunate event--for "my turn," if you will. Now I know that different people have different trials in their lives, and I know I have some, but they seem increasingly small as compared to people I have read about. So a very small, fearful part of me dreads that I might be "joined to the cross" in such a manner. Perhaps I'm experiencing what some young Catholics feel in idealistic fervor when they wish that they were saints and/or martyrs. Only, I feel it more realistically, perhaps knowing what it would entail. So what better locus for anxiety (and time, given the hormones) than pregnancy?

So I have been worried. And last week, I made an appointment with a lay midwife (not the nurse midwife I saw last--this woman is not affiliated with a doctor's office), to get some peace of mind about my progress. Apart from confusion about the day of the appointment (she had written down next Wednesday), the visit went well. The heartbeat was very hard to find, but she did eventually find it. But first, the measurement--I'm at about 15 1/2 weeks. The midwife measured me, then she asked how many weeks along I am, then she asked if I had had an ultrasound, and whether my due date was "adjusted" or whether it confirmed the original estimate. Well, I adjusted the due date by 3 or so days myself because of NFP--I knew my ovulation date pretty certainly (after-the-fact, but that's a different subject!), but the ultrasound confirmed my own estimate. It seems I am currently measuring at 19 or so weeks--a good 4 weeks larger than where I should be!

With my son, who was 9 lbs. 6 1/2 oz. and born pretty much on the due date, I measured about 2 weeks larger than I was supposed to measure consistently. This is quite a bit larger than that! Now, I may have had a slight uterine "firming"--I hesitate to call it a contraction, because I get them all the time and they're harmless, and contractions at 15 weeks sounds bad--and I don't know if that affected things. But her thought was that if she were my midwife and I had not yet had an ultrasound, she would suggest having an ultrasound to check for twins. Now, I have had 2 ultrasounds, but at 7 and 9 weeks. I don't know if a twin could have been missed at that stage. Anyway, I guess I will see if I continue to measure large, and I have the "big," diagnostic ultrasound in June, so that will clear up the mystery. So I'm worried about being too small, and this is what I find out!! Talk about over-achiever.

As for the twins, I have twin aunts (my mother's sisters), twin great uncles (my maternal grandmother's brothers), and my great grandmother (the same who bore my twin great uncles), had at least one--possibly two--additional sets of twins who, due to early 20th Century medical care and her rural location, died in very early infancy (family lore doesn't say how early, but I suspect shortly after birth). Now, these were identical twins, which, the medical community says, are not hereditary. Fraternal twins, yes. Identical twins, no. And yet there was always this "lore" that twins "skip a generation" and that it did not skip my grandmother's generation in our case, but did skip my mother's. So the next round of twins does fall to my generation. I don't think it's likely for me at this point, since the two ultrasounds didn't reveal any multiples. But given family history, I did think it sort of, well, funny that it was mentioned.

But I'm feeling better about everything, and it seems I have a happy uterus, so that's good too.

A related question: Why are "uplifting stories" always so darned depressing? I can't bring myself to read this one right now for the above-mentioned reasons. I'm rather afraid of what new fears it might breed. But it does rather illustrate my point about what's in the blogs these days. . . And, if you're curious, try here and here, also. Here's a whole collection that Melanie posted over at Wine Dark Sea. Good stories, but emotionally draining. . .

Kids' Tickers!

I've been wanting to add one of the "expecting a baby" tickers for a while, but couldn't find them. Then, when I did, I found the ones for older children, too, and couldn't resist!

A Rare Pro-life Post: Two Poems, a Lamentation, and a Conclusion

the mother

by Gwendolyn Brooks

Abortions will not let you forget.
You remember the children you got that you did not get,
The damp small pulps with a little or with no hair,
The singers and workers who never handled the air.
You will never neglect or beat
Them, or silence or buy with a sweet.
You will never wind up the sucking-thumb
Or scuttle off ghosts that come.
You will never leave them, controlling your luscious sigh,
return for a snack of them, with gobbling mother-eye.

I have heard in the voices of the wind the voices of my dim killed children.
I have contracted. I have eased
My dim dears at the breasts they could never suck.
I have said, Sweets, if I sinned, if I seized
Your luck
And your lives from your unfinished reach,
If I stole your births and your names,
Your straight baby tears and your games,
Your stilted or lovely loves, your tumults, your marriages, aches, and your deaths,
If I poisoned the beginnings of your breaths,
Believe that even in my deliberateness I was not deliberate.
Though why should I whine,
Whine that the crime was other than mine?--
Since anyhow you are dead.
Or rather, instead,
You were never made.
But that too, I am afraid,
Is faulty: oh, what shall I say, how is the truth to be said?
You were born, you had body, you died.
It is just that you never giggled or planned or cried.

Believe me, I loved you all.
Believe me, I knew you, though faintly, and I loved, I loved you
All.

This is one of two poems that I read as an undergraduate that broach the subject of abortion--both of which I find haunting. The second is written by a male poet, Richard Katrovas, a former teacher of mine, who nevertheless attempts in some way to account for the feelings of the woman who has been betrayed by her former lover (or who feels betrayed; it is not quite clear to me whether he has betrayed her or if she feels betrayed because she is estranged from him and yet pregnant--betrayed by her own body, if you will). In this case, the reader's sympathy falls squarely with the male character in this contemporary "dithyramb"; perhaps this is because he (in spite of the refrain, "Yippi-yi-yay, another roll in the hay!") is portrayed less stereotypically than the woman, who fears loss of control and the relegation of her body to the status of mere "meat."

from "Eat What You Kill" by Richard Katrovas

Male Chorus Leader:

Vaguely repentant, even ashamed, I lunged
from one false enthrallment to another,
my affection like a blight of locusts,
though more voracious, quiet, and complete.
Yet when she starved herself to kill the child,
then reported the deed as liberation,
I did not know who or what was free of what
or whom, and cried alone in voiceless dread.

A page or two later, the Male Chorus intones, in an echo of Dionysus's "rescue" by Zeus from the pride of his mother, who wanted to see the true divine face of Zeus:

And the brutal father tore half-formed flesh
from the new charred corpse of its foolish mother,
then stashed the thing inside.

(As, of course, the Male Chorus Leader could not choose to do.) This poem is poignant, but perhaps doomed to obscurity because of its unpopular representation of male opinion in the matter. (I would be naive if I suggested that I did not know that there are many cases in which male opinion in the matter facilitates--even forces--rather than prevents abortion. . . I have known of women whose partners or husbands tried to coerce them into committing the act, and I have also read my Adrienne Rich.) The poet in question would have been fully aware of the danger of representing male opinion as more valuable than female opinion in the matter, and yet he has done so. He further would have known of the danger of representing a female perspective on the subject, yet this he has done as well. . .

Female Chorus Leader:

I am innocent, yet wholly culpable,
and offer no apology or excuse
for self-denial that siphoned another life.
It was my legal right to purge myself.
The termination was not violent,
was not achieved by artificial means.
The thing began as passionate affection;
an assumption of good faith marshaled it
from that crowded zone of nothingness and bliss.
But tenderness recalled became a hell,
and I, alone yet not alone, contained
the literal essence of a bloody lie.

. . . . .

I feel sympathy for mothers who have actually experienced abortion, though I harbor no such emotions (or kind regard) for those individuals in any kind of authority--even the authority of a role model--who promote the process as necessary. I don't believe that anyone (myself included) who has not been in the situation and made and carried out the decision to abort a child can truly understand the mindset of the mother who has taken this action toward her child, any more than one can understand the thoughts of an individual who has just committed suicide. Either action represents a psychological revolt against the innate will to survive. I like the line in Gwendolyn Brooks' poem, "even in my deliberateness I was not deliberate." I can only imagine with difficulty the feelings of desperation that must accompany such an act--though I do not doubt that other feelings may be present also, and that other feelings must for some be present for the individual to cope with such an act. What saddens me, however, is the way that the act is seen as a legitimate "way out" of a difficult situation, and the way that even intelligent, rational women overlook the fact that while this action--the act of carrying and bearing a child, or the act of aborting that same child--impacts their bodies, it impacts the body of someone else as well. But I stand by my thought, above, that to commit the act is the very essence of despair--it is the failure to see hope. And in Catholic thought at least, despair--the failure to see hope--is a denial of God.

I also stand by my belief that where there is life, there is hope. Hence, I must promote life.

Mother's Day

Well, today is Mother's Day. For me, it ranks right up there with Valentines Day and all other slightly artificial holidays that are intended to boost the sales of cards, flowers, and candy and induce people to eat at restaurants. It's nice to be appreciated, but I feel appreciated anyway, and when I say I don't need a present, I really mean it. Now, maybe when my kids are grown & have good jobs and can buy me a bigger, better iPod. . . Just kidding! ;)

Another thing about these artificial holidays is that they make everyone involved feel compelled to do "something special"--whatever that something special might be, and we become (collectively) slightly disappointed, disgruntled, or even angry when those things don't quite work out the way we plan, or if we accidently wait until the last minute to do what we had planned--like buy the cards or overpriced flowers, for example.

One thing I've realized is that Mother's Day is really about the children. At least, while they're young. It's about making them feel good about the thing they've done or purchased or whatever, and then we get to feel good about having them feel good about doing something for us--and everything's great. Except when it doesn't work out that way. So keep that in mind, those of you with husbands who want everything to be perfect and children who are too young, yet, to do anything. . . It gets more complex as they get older. But in the end, having a nice day is what you make it.

Happy Mother's Day to all mothers!!

10th Anniversary!!

Yup, I've been married 10 years. It's kind of an amazing thing to be so young and to have been married 10 years--fully 1/3 of my life. What a wonderful thing!

Well, a few nights ago in the midst of feeling pretty awful, I came up with my ideal anniversary treat--a day & night at one of those spa hotels (of course, I couldn't afford any such thing, even if there were one around here), but since this weekend is college graduation, high school prom, and Mother's Day weekend, I didn't even think we'd be able to see the inside of a restaurant.

The day started mundanely enough. . . We packed for the upcoming move for hours on end--until our son went to my mother's to play and we reached the "no idea what to do next" stage. I did have a brainstorm later in the day--our favorite Chinese food restaurant would be empty!! (Chinese food is not typically considered "elegant" fare. . . though there are exceptions.) So my mom stayed with the kids (a rare treat!!) and we had Chinese food and brought some back for her. Then we had a weird picking-up-the-sister, not-picking-up-the-sister thing, but in the meantime, found ourselves at a gallery-wine bar-coffee shop for dessert. It was wonderful!! I haven't been anywhere like that in so long!! We had some very delicious and decadent coffees and desserts (which I will regret for the rest of the night--bleh), and finally came home after a very, very nice evening.

It doesn't take much to please me; I don't mind not having a big date night for the anniversary. Most years, we have had our son with us. But I must say that this was a very nice night--probably one of our nicest anniversary celebrations yet. Here's to many, many more!

Hormones, hormones

I've had a pretty miserable few days. I'm hoping that things will improve from here. But basically, on top of the usual day-to-day stresses, and on top of the extraordinary teaching assignment stress, and the stress of knowing that I've got an upcoming move, and normal pregnancy worries (or slightly obsessive pregnancy worries), my hormones are doing horrible, horrible things to me. I recognize that hormones are to blame because at any given point during the day, I can feel like I'm on the verge of tears. And the interesting thing about these hormonal emotional bouts is that they leave me absolutely exhausted. And for some inexplicable reason, I don't particularly want to eat during the day. Not that I'm feeling too sick to eat--I just don't want to. I want a meal when I wake up, but I usually have to force myself to eat what's available because I just don't want to eat what's here, and then I want a meal in the evening, but usually not until I'm feeling weak and a little sick. Sometimes those meals are punctuated by hands-full of SAM'S Choice trail mix. So the hormones leave me exhausted, and my energy level is weird anyway because of my aversion to, um, meals. But if I can get through tomorrow without crying, I'll be happy. At least I know that if my body were not doing baby-making stuff, the hormones would not be tormenting me so. So I guess I can take comfort in that!

Go Ahead. Laugh. I don't care.

You may recognize these lines as the ones Mowgli utters in the Disney version of Jungle Book when he finds himself lost among the vultures. That's about how I feel right now. The whole "academic motherhood optimism" seems ill-placed. I know that I can do it, but I do need some cooperation from others, and it's not happening.

I was assigned to teach freshman comp. No problems there. I long ago gave up playing the "I deserve to teach lit more than (insert name or category of grad student)" game. I know I have seniority; I don't need it proven to me. It's a silly game and I'm not going to play it. If I ask for freshman comp, guess what? I get freshman comp. No surprises. And I've taught it a bunch, so the prep is easier--as long as I don't change textbooks every semester. But then, I became pregnant. Aha! The plot thickens.

So it seems that the powers-that-be declare that freshman comp (at this university, anyway) can not ever be taught in a way that resembles a distance course, even for a limited amount of time while the instructor is delivering and caring for a newborn. First mistake--asking permission. But the powers-that-be include the dissertation director, so I would have been found out eventually. At least, I think he would have noticed. And he offered helpful solutions--teach advanced comp, which is taught as a hybrid course (in-class and online). I would only have had to report one day a week. However, they who give the assignments did not comply--or even answer his request, and I believe he has been too busy to follow-up, or has had nothing to report. Meanwhile, I could not submit a request for a specific days/time because the times/days for advanced comp are very different from the times/days for freshman comp, so if I gave preferences for one course, they would be irrelevant to the other course, should I be switched. Of course, when I received my schedule, it is the worst possible schedule in addition to the course I am not allowed to teach.

So I am supposed to teach freshman comp from 3-3:50 MWF. First, I can't afford 3-day child care. I can't really afford child care at all, especially when I'd rather have my child with me. But a 2-year-old would at least be able to play, unlike a younger baby (but I'm being told that because she doesn't turn 2 before Sept. 1, she would be in the 18-24 month class, which is a whole different frustration!). Second, part-time child care (and I refuse to do full-time, even if I could afford it!) ends at 2:30. Third, there's that other child of mine who gets off of school in the 3-3:50 window. And then there's that whole taking off the last month of the semester thing. Even if I deliver on time or late, I would need an extraordinary number of substitutes to cover 12 classes!!

In past regimes, the grad student with the schedule conflict would inform the professor who makes the schedules. If the concern was pressing, it was remedied; if not, the grad student had to cope with the difficulty of life for a semester and, basically, get over it. But whining has become increasingly tolerated, and everyone thinks his/her situation is more important than everyone else's. There used to be an acknowledgment, among grad students and faculty, that some people's scheduling needs were more pressing than others. First, class schedules were considered for those who were still taking courses. Second, families or those who had long commutes. Other concerns--like whims, not wanting to work 3 days, or that "other" job that we're not supposed to have--were considered afterwards, if at all. And generally, if one wanted consideration for family concerns, etc., one had to be up front with them early in the request process. I rarely had 8 A.M. sections, for example, because I had to drop my son off in the mornings. The responsible faculty member also took responsibility for rearranging assignments as necessary. Now, we are left to seek the mercy of our peers, which works in some cases, but not all. After all, who really wants a 3-day a week freshman comp? When I first started, we didn't have a choice--pretty much everyone taught freshman comp. And while there was a little grumbling about unfair favoritism, everyone knew that you paid your composition dues before teaching lit. Not so now. And it complicates matters.

I have had a babysitting offer, and one offer to exchange an unknown day/time of freshman comp for my section, but neither offer, while appreciated, takes care of the postpartum dilemma.

Had a mini-breakdown last night. Let's call it hormones. I had two stressful days of making phonecalls and sending emails, finished a nursing top and made a nursing nightgown--neither of which came out as I expected. Found out that even though student loans are being paid, the Department of Education felt the need to confiscate the tax return for the second consecutive year. I'm worried about the baby because no measurements were taken last appointment and I haven't gained any weight (unusual for me). So I went to bed, I cried, then I nearly threw up because my nose was clogged. I cried because I don't want to buy new baby clothes if it's a boy. I cried because I sound like a really strong, self-assured person and all of my plans (which worked for the first 2 babies) are failing. And I cried because there are legions of people (faculty included) who would kill for the opportunity to gloat over a failure to make academic motherhood work.

I had a teacher in high school who used to say that we frequently "set ourselves up for disappointment." I suppose she might apply this phrase to me. I think the idea is that if you don't aim high, if you don't reach for impossible ideals, you will not fall so hard when, in fact, you do fall, as is inevitable. I think I thought her advice was sensible and pragmatic at the time. It seems defeatist to me now. I can't actually see this teacher saying, "Why believe in anything if you'll just be disappointed?" Perhaps she didn't realize the implications of her words. But I remembered her words yesterday.

Mother's Day Givaways!

Check these out! (But if you win the iPod, you have to give it to me!--Just kidding!)

Veggie Proto-Eucharistic Tales

That title didn't get you, did it? ;)

So recently, the baby daughter has been interested in television--too interested in television, perhaps, except that her interest is really limited to music. She loves Sesame Street's musical skits--we don't actually watch the shows, as I have serious problems with the "new, improved" Sesame Street for the young generations. Instead, I have classic Sesame Street dvds (of the first few seasons) with "classic cuts"--that is, just the cool musical parts everyone loves. We also have Sesame Street videos from when my son was younger, before every dvd & video had to be Elmo-themed. Now we have the tyranny of Elmo!!

But I'm talking about Veggie Tales. When my son was younger, we collected the Veggie Tales videos. We first got hooked on the "Silly Songs," and expanded from there. We stopped about the time of "King George and the Ducky." For any who aren't familiar with Veggie Tales, they are animated vegetables who perform various moral tales, some biblical stories, all Bible-based. They are nondenominational Christian vegetables (though the creators chose to include only Old Testament stories, presumably to leave them open for all Judeo-Christian vieweres, though the Bible verse at the end is usually New Testament). The production value is good--rare for Christian children's productions--and the music is particularly stimulating. The silly songs are really the best--they provide a brief intermission in the tape, which usually included 2 episodes (I suspect the dvds are structured differently, but as the creators no longer have control, I refuse to upgrade to the dvds.)

There have always been some problems with the Veggie Tales versions of Bible stories--a misinterpretation of the stories, or the show's "fun" element rather took away from the story or promoted well, gluttony in the case I'm thinking of. In another case, there was a watering down of "mature themes" that wasn't appropriate for children's tapes, even in their watered-down form. In the case of 'King George and the Ducky," King George (read David) covets the *ahem* rubber ducky of one of his soldiers, and sends the soldier--a child vegetable character--to the front lines to be disposed of. The soldier does not die, but instead contracts a pie-induced version of shell-shock. To me, this was pretty much the last straw. They clearly went off the deep end in too many ways. Perhaps this was the beginning of their legal troubles. The earlier tales are much better.

Even among the "good" ones, though, I had some problems. Case in point (and the real subject of this post) is "Josh and the Big Wall." I remember singing songs in Protestant Sunday School about Joshua and the battle of Jericho. (I always liked the songs.) Even before becoming Catholic--in fact, dating back to my earliest introduction to Veggie Tales (through an Evangelical Protestant friend of my mom's), I had issues with this one. . . You see, the Veggies are reenacting the Isrealites' flight from Egypt. Moses has just died, and they are able to enter the Promised Land. The creators (of the show) took the phrase "a land flowing with milk & honey" and ran with it. The Isrealite Veggies are singing about all of the decadent things they will eat in the Promised Land--tacos, pintos 'n cheese, waffles; when they get to the city, slushies abound, and are the means of attack on the Isrealites by the people of Jericho.

When we reached a temporary Jim Henson saturation point the other day, I brought out the Silly Song sing-alongs, one of which includes the "Promised Land" song from "Josh and the Big Wall." We haven't really watched Veggie Tales since I became Catholic & we all started attending Mass regularly--except during my son's First Reconciliation "retreat" (or whatever), which featured "God Wants Me to Forgive Them?", slightly modified for church consumption. (It didn't really fit.) So my husband and I were groaning over the "Promised Land" song over the weekend, and it occurred to me that from a Catholic perspective, the following line is particularly grievous:

For years, we've eaten nothing but manna,
A dish that is filling, but bland...

So they put all that behind them in order to pig out in the Promised Land.

Well, the first thing I noticed as a convert, or as one who desired the Eucharist and was moving toward a conversion, were the Eucharistic and Proto-Eucharistic references throughout the Bible--Old Testament and New Testament--which go way beyond the account of the Last Supper. Manna, as God-given bread, is a striking example, and prepared for the Bread of Life: Christ's gift of Himself in the Eucharist. So beyond the fact that the video portrays a serious lack of gratitude for the fact that God has sustained the Isrealites through 40 years in the desert, there is the further disparagement of the heavenly bread that is a promise of the Gift of Christ (in) and the Eucharist.

Now, I am not going to go so far as to say that this was intentional (though if you look closely, the manna does look a bit like hosts). But it is a grave oversight on a couple of levels. Even non-Catholics should have a problem with the fact that the source of the humor is lack of gratitude and greed. Not exactly the values we want to promote. Some might take offense because of the caricature of the Isrealites. I think this is mostly innocent. And it will certainly not stop me from watching Veggie Tales--at least the good ones. But it is a caution to realize that non-denominational, even in the best possible sense, does not necessarily mean Catholic-sensitive. I mean, really--the Eucharist? Bland??

What Kind of Catholic Am I?

O.K., so this isn't too surprising. Actually, it may be surprising to some who are more conservative and traditionalist than I am. But come on. . . You answer a couple of questions about liking Gregorian Chant and suddenly they're assuming that you challenge Vatican II? Clearly, the person who wrote this quiz has been reading too many blogs! ;)

You scored as Traditional Catholic. You look at the great piety and holiness of the Church before the Second Vatican Council and the decay of belief and practice since then, and see that much of the decline is due to failed reforms based on the "Spirit of the Council". You regret the loss of vast numbers of Religious and Ordained clergy and the widely diverging celebrations of the Mass of Pope Paul VI, which often don't even seem to be Catholic anymore. You are helping to rebuild this past culture in one of the many new Traditional Latin Mass communities or attend Eastern Catholic Divine Liturgy. You seek refuge from the world of pornography, recreational drugs, violence, and materialism. You are an articulate, confident, committed, and intelligent Catholic. But do you support legitimate reform of the Church, and are you willing to submit to the directives of the Second Vatican Council? Will you cooperate responsibly with others who are not part of the Traditional community? http://saint-louis.blogspot.com - Rome of the West Traditional Catholic 81% New Catholic 64% Neo-Conservative Catholic 36% Lukewarm Catholic 26% Radical Catholic 24% Liberal Catholic 7% Evangelical Catholic 2% What is your style of American Catholicism? created with QuizFarm.com

Momma & Baby "Stuff"

The great thing about having recently had a baby is that I have most of the baby essentials pretty much covered (especially if this next one is a girl!) Now, there are things that will have to be replaced--I will need a stroller that can accommodate two babies, for example! And I will probably want a new carseat, since the one I have only holds a baby up to 20 lbs or so and is a bit smaller than some of the current models. I will want one of the carrier varieties that is a bit larger so that I don't have to worry about another carseat until the baby is actually a year old. Hopefully, big sister will be ready for a smaller, booster-style by then, and we won't have to attach big brother to the luggage rack! So to make up for the fact that I have most of the basics covered, there are a number of things that I found that I would have loved to have with the last one, that I will probably be buying in increments while I wait for number 3! So I'm listing these so that I won't forget, and so that other parents can see the cool stuff that is out there to make our lives easier! I confess--I love baby gadgets!

Baby Shopping List

Duo stroller
Infant seat that holds up to 30 lbs
Crib futon (for the toddler bed, actually)
Nurse-N-Glow Lighted Nursing Pillow -or- The Nursing Nest (anyone have a favorite?)
Electronic Nasal Aspirator!!!
And one of those thermometers that takes a reading off of the forehead.

Actually, that's the list right now. I will also be buying more babyproofing things for the apartment, since the toddler will be able to roam pretty freely. For example:

Baby gates for either side of the walk-through kitchen
Door knob protectors (thinking of Anastasia's post)
Knob covers for the stove (if the knobs are on the front)
Power strip safety covers

And of course, I have my own list:

Momma Shopping List

Nursing Patterns: dress pattern, nursing twinset pattern
Sling Pattern
All manner of Earth Mama Angel Baby Products!
And look at this cool alternative to a hospital gown! (I won't buy this one--kinda frivolous)

I have already bought a very cute batik print to make the sling--it's creamy with light hints of greeny-blues, and has a purplish vine-pattern on it. I'm excited about it! I also bought a pattern to make a cute purse that will coordinate, but it has enough pockets & flaps and compartments to accommodate diapers & wipes--just a small to-go bag. There are other baby carrier patterns that interest me, too. Here are a couple with directions online:

Beth's Man Tai (silly name)
Mae Mei Tai

And here's an article about someone who's had almost as much trouble with baby carriers as I have! Clearly, the second trimester is here and I'm getting into baby-mode. Now if only I didn't have to grade, write, and prepare for a class that starts May 29th. Oh! And move! Anyone got a truck? ;)

Words: Anatomical Euphemisms Considered

As a mother of a little girl, I am more interested in this question that I was in the case of my son. You see, the naming of anatomy is not nearly as sensitive an issue with males as it seems to be with females. I have heard this debate from many different angles--from Irigaray to the sex-positive internet message boards I belonged to in a former life. I am less acquainted with it from the child-rearing book perspective, as I haven't ever really delved into that genre. As the big sister of 5 siblings, I never saw much need for parenting self-help books and the like. I just wing it! But let's face it, there is a wide-ranging debate over what to call female genitalia, and it is not limited to babies and children. My personal feeling is that medical terms in the mouths of children sound ugly and inappropriate--I mean, would you want your son or daughter talking about his or her anus? I doubt it. So then why is "penis" more appropriate? I am reminded of that rather awful film starring the governor of California, Kindergarten Cop, in which the son of a gynecologist informs Arnold that "boys have a penis and girls have a vagina." The humor in this scene was in the gross impropriety of both timing of the declaration and the sound of the terms "from the mouths of babes," as it were.

Since I am really thinking about female anatomy, I will say that I have particular problems with the term "vagina." Not with the term "vaginal," but with the term "vagina." I take issues with the Vagina Monologues, for example, because it uses the term "vagina" to apply not just to what we actually recognize as the vagina, but also the surrounding area, so to speak. Irigaray's "two lips" (terminology that I rather like from a theoretical perspective, though it's not quite a practical term to teach a child) are included, as well as what I might as well, being pregnant, refer to as the "birth canal"--and I just won't go beyond that description. More accurately, the part of the anatomy that a young child would actually see and feel--and thus, of which the child would be aware any real sense, as the uses for these parts are quite specific and limited compared to those of a feminist theorist, for example--is called, in medical terms, the "vulva" rather than the "vagina." So for reasons of accuracy in addition to plain issues of delicacy of language, I will not teach my daughter the term "vagina" until we get to "that" talk (blissfully years and years in the future--for the son, not so distant. . .). I do not particularly prefer "vulva." The word has its instinctive appeal as a word--it has a round, full quality about it that actually makes a fitting signifier for the part signified (not meaning to shock any sensibilities, and not meaning to offend Saussure or Derrida or any of their devotees). But it does not seem any more appealing to say to a child, "Okay, let me wash your vulva now!" No, that's not going to happen.

On the aforementioned sex-happy somewhat feminist (in some sense of the word) discussion board, I remember (from years ago now) a discussion in which certain women felt somehow "cheated" by their mothers' and perhaps grandmothers' reluctance to call certain parts what they were. What they mentioned in particular was the substitution of bodily function words for the parts from which the fluids were excreted. I admit to allowing this with my son. It's not something I cultivated, it just happened naturally. Somehow, though, I think my husband and I felt the need, even in the naming of these parts (or maybe especially?), to distinguish between the genders. I will add that the term that my family used for female genitalia (in the bathtub setting) is not one I could spell. It's a little embarrassing for me to pronounce, even to myself, because I know that it is not an actual word in English. I say "in English" because I suspect that the word was a corruption of some French baby-talk or something, as my grandmother grew up speaking French (in "the country" in Louisiana, as we called it, quite a bit outside of Lafayette). So clearly that word is out.

What we have settled on instead is rather accurate in my view, clearly a euphemism, but kind of endearing also. We call them (and I use the plural, in a subconscious nod to Irigaray) "baby girl parts." I suppose someday they will be "little girl parts," and finally, "girl parts." This suits my son, also, who has not asked about "real" names, as he did for his own "parts" a while back. I feel like this is accurate because they are, indeed, "girl parts" in a couple of different senses--they are "parts of a girl," and they are also "the parts by which a girl is identified as a girl," at least at birth. I know this raises all kinds of feminist red (or essentialist) flags, but it doesn't particularly concern me. When my daughter was born, they told me, "it's a girl," not "she is anatomically female, but her gender has not yet been socially constructed." The same, I think, when the ultrasound tech tells the expectant parents that they have the go-ahead to buy the pink stuff. Most importantly, "let's wash the baby girl parts" works just fine for me!