What I am not referring to here is the fact that I managed to ride around in the car for an hour in the hopes that the girls would fall asleep, gave up & went home with only Chiclette asleep to find that Doodle (oh joy!) fell asleep after all, only to have Doodle wake up AFTER I had carried her in the house (not in time to walk in by herself), cry that she wasn't sleepy, wake up Chiclette, who never went back to sleep. . . yadda yadda yadda.
No, I am referring to the thoughts that are going through my head in reference to my one--count 'em, y'all, ONE--job prospect. Now I know I could be reminded that it was only with the deepest sense of futility that I contemplated or embarked upon the job search many months ago. Yes, that is true. It may perhaps be part of the problem. Because part of me sings, "Oh glee! Someone wants me!!" while another part wonders if the job in the hand really is worth two in the bush and wonders if I had better try to flush out those other two. . . All the time, of course, the third voice is telling me that the one job is by no means in the hand after only a phone interview. *sigh*
Friday I had a phone interview. It is a regional branch of a large state school--so far so good. The department seems attractive. Rather small--in the lower 20s for full-time faculty, which is the largest at that university. School is having budget issues--go figure; hasn't affected this search in any tangible way that I can tell yet. The committee chair has maintained an enthusiastic attitude in dealing with me. All good. The school extremely rural--not so good. They do have a Wal-Mart, which I am counting as good, though the converse could be argued. There is only one of each grade-level public school. The only private school is very, very evangelical. The child care options seem very limited. I would probably feel best in the Baptist church child care environment, which raises its own questions. There are 200 Catholics in the COUNTY--but there is a Catholic church in town--VERY good. The schools do not seem to offer orchestra, just band. Not so good. The cost of living is significantly lower than here, and we are already pretty low. Good. Can you tell I'm obsessing a little? I have come down off of the obsession a little since the weekend, but I'm still weighing things constantly as I wait the two weeks (maybe a little over a week now) until I learn whether they want to see more of me or not. At which point, I would be able to see the place--which by all counts is beautiful, though very rural.
There are many considerations, not the least of which is whether, with their budget issues, they would be able to offer spousal placement. Because I will not see my husband placed lower than he deserves so that I can take some more or less permanent position. That, for me, is a non-negotiable. I will not sacrifice my children's care or education. And yet. . .
Surely there are other professors at the university who have families--who have raised families--in the surrounding area. Surely!! And there are worse things than a very rural area--a very urban, unsafe area, for example.
My problem is that I am continually questioning my frame of mind. When the position seemed unattractive to me, I wondered if I was being hasty. If it seems at present the best thing since sliced bread and my only chance for lasting happiness (hyperbole), I also wonder if I'm being hasty.
It seems, for one thing, foolish not to take a well-paying position (based on their own salary data--the web is wonderful) in a place with a low cost-of-living.
I would be teaching what I want to teach--plain & simple. Never thought that would happen, actually. It gives me some hope. Class size is smaller than I'm used to and there are possibilities for real schedule flexibility--online and one-day/week classes. Even travel opportunities (not with young children, but they don't know that). All of which balances the high teaching load--theoretically. Except that when I teach TWO classes I can't find time to tie my shoelaces--there is THAT.
But--I think to myself--are my reasons more material? Why yes, yes they are. (It's been apparent from the start, no?) In a couple of days I start counting a little further into my thirties. And here I am, still cramming myself and my family into undersized rentals. I so desperately want to move, but why move for a year or however long it takes to find a permanent spot when I might have the opportunity to move and find a more permanent spot this very year?
I'm dreaming of a house with non-neutral, high quality carpeting. I want windows--insulated glass windows--that let in nature so that nature can't get me. I want a fireplace, and a large living room. I want so many bedrooms that children can play and leave their toys out and I never have to know. I want CLOSETS--one for each member of the household, not 2 split between 5 people. And a garage (attached) that doesn't double as a roach motel. A kitchen that is functional. Appliances that are not apartment grade and actually dry the clothes within 1-2 cycles. I can picture it, this cookie-cutter house in a shiny new sub-division. (Not what I've typically thought of as my preferred aesthetic, by the way.) It has my name on it. There are woods and hills in the distance. And a little dinky town with a university and one Wal-Mart. *sigh*
There are drawbacks to this vision. Mainly, that I might start feeling the urge to have matching furniture or bath towels. But I'm prepared to take that risk. But what else might I have to risk?
And let's think clearly about this. You know that guy who sings on the "Free Credit Report" commercials? (I have been known to sing the one about working in a tourist-y seafood restaurant.) Yeah. Well, let's just say I'm in no position to buy a house. Maybe in 4-5 years, with a lot of saving--unless the Department of Education claims every extra cent, as is their right. And rentals in that area, while cheap, don't exactly sing to me. So the vision that currently sustains me turns out to be empty, and I go around and around again--will they have organic yogurt? Whole wheat pasta? Montessori education. . . The list goes on.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Friday, January 9, 2009
Finding "Family" on Facebook
So as life becomes busier, I find myself with less time to spend blogging, or at any rate, less willing to indulge in blog-able thoughts. From time to time, I have a thought or idea and I think, "Hmmm. . . I could blog that. . ." but I find it difficult, I'm sorry to say, to commit to organizing my thoughts and expressing them in some way that makes them digestible to others. The same happens with meals, actually, which is when I pull out something boxed or frozen. So I've been on Facebook lately. Facebook allows me to quip something short and imperfect--something that hasn't been thought out, or is not expressed clearly. It's a type of self-indulgence for the writer, really. We invite others to finish our thoughts, or expand them into dialogues or conversations. Sometimes real information is conveyed. Other times, it is just play. We set "bait" and wait for others to bite. It doesn't always work--especially for me, I might add. But sometimes it's just nice to see that moment of the day, that joy, frustration, anxiety, boredom--articulated, made external, published. And it requires very little effort to do so--far less than a blog.
On Facebook, I have two groups of friends--those whom I know from high school and have only recently rediscovered (my reason for going on Facebook, actually) and friends that I know from grad school. It is very interesting to see some of the daily observations of people I haven't seen for 10+ years. (Okay, maybe closer to 15+ years, but who's counting?) Many of these seem cryptic to me--references to the lives that they have developed over the past decade and some. These snapshots of others' worlds--sometimes literal snapshots!--have a kind of homey appeal. I don't feel like a voyeur, although I barely know these people any more, and some I never really did know very well. Of course, like blogs, these are imperfect snapshots--they are chosen words and images that present a picture carefully selected by the author, whether the author does this consciously or not.
What strikes me most is the emphasis on family. Most--if not all--of the people I know on Facebook have jobs, careers, businesses, whatever one chooses to call them. . . They have external sources of income that require more or less time away from home and/or dedication of time, attention, and effort to work. I believe one of these people has a home business, but her "work" space--whether real or virtual--is separate from her family space. Sometimes the work/job/career and the family life are mentioned together, usually a comparison of the two, or an attempt to reconcile the two: So-and-so is frustrated by the kids who keep interrupting. . . So-and-so is home from work AGAIN with a sick child and bored because she can't go to work. . . (There's been a lot of childhood illness going around Facebook.) So-and-so is able to see her child on 22 webcams at the Big Brother nursery. . . There is quire a bit of complaining about children, in more or less harsh terms as determined by Christmas-break cabin-fever. Sometimes, I find it shocking that the children are being spoken of so publicly in such harsh terms, though I recognize the reality of the frustration. It's the choice to publish such sentiments openly that shocks me. In these snapshots of people I used to know and their families whom I probably will never know, there is nevertheless an underlying warmth directed toward the smaller members of the species. They love their families. They live for their families. They work for their families. They find fulfillment in their families.
I am not in the position to contrast anyone's actual family-centeredness. However, the way this is communicated--seemingly so effortlessly--is something I have missed for many, many years. For the first time--oh, perhaps ever--I actually wish I had stayed closer to these people so that I could have known people my own age who were starting and growing families--starting and growing families for the sake of doing so, and seeing that in itself as a--perhaps as THE means to personal fulfillment, whatever importance work/job/career might have. I actually wish I had remained friends with other mommies because they are mommies, not because we have that--and some other philosophical, intellectual, or experiential commonalities. But that's not really the whole story. I want the whole picture. I wish that I had stayed in touch so that our children could attend one another's birthday parties or exchange presents at Christmas. So that we could have Christmas parties and Easter egg hunts. Not so that we could share mommy-experiences while the kids were occupied for a while.
It's funny how I will always think of these women as "girls." One of these "girls" has two girls--one about the age of my son, who turns 12 very soon. She is a year or two older than me--as everyone was back then--and she was married a bit before me. And she was into the mommy thing waaaay more than me back then--I saw her once when she was pregnant and she was practically knitting booties everywhere she went--like Darling in Lady and the Tramp. But the fact remained that she was living a family life all of these years, and, well, that does something.
What I'm trying to articulate is a way of looking at life that is somehow distinct from how I've looked at life until now, but which represents in some ways how I've lived life (without thinking of it in these terms) for the past 12 years. Perhaps it's more of a way of looking at marriage. What is a marriage, really? Is it a partnership? Is it an economic or social contract? Is it an intimate friendship? I look at these former friends and acquaintances, and it doesn't appear that marriage functioned exclusively--or primarily--in any of these ways for them. Nor was marriage simply something that they checked off the list of "things to do" before a certain age; nor was it a means to status, or a life goal in itself. No, in these people I recognize ambitions beyond marriage and family. But neither do I see marriage as an end in itself.
In fact, I do not see marriage as an end in itself. Marriage, in the culture in which I grew up, was a means to a family. Even in the case of a childless marriage, there could be the sense of a family rather than the eternal honeymoon of couple-ness. It is, perhaps, a state of mind. The collective is larger than the sum of the parts. We are not two, or three, or five people in the same house, although we are literally two, or three, or five people in the same house(hold). We are a family, which is larger. It has larger problems, perhaps, and frustrations, but also more capacity for love and survival. So these friends of mine did more than get married, have children, and careers. They allowed their lives to be shaped into families. And their families grew from the natural progression of their lives.
On Facebook, I have two groups of friends--those whom I know from high school and have only recently rediscovered (my reason for going on Facebook, actually) and friends that I know from grad school. It is very interesting to see some of the daily observations of people I haven't seen for 10+ years. (Okay, maybe closer to 15+ years, but who's counting?) Many of these seem cryptic to me--references to the lives that they have developed over the past decade and some. These snapshots of others' worlds--sometimes literal snapshots!--have a kind of homey appeal. I don't feel like a voyeur, although I barely know these people any more, and some I never really did know very well. Of course, like blogs, these are imperfect snapshots--they are chosen words and images that present a picture carefully selected by the author, whether the author does this consciously or not.
What strikes me most is the emphasis on family. Most--if not all--of the people I know on Facebook have jobs, careers, businesses, whatever one chooses to call them. . . They have external sources of income that require more or less time away from home and/or dedication of time, attention, and effort to work. I believe one of these people has a home business, but her "work" space--whether real or virtual--is separate from her family space. Sometimes the work/job/career and the family life are mentioned together, usually a comparison of the two, or an attempt to reconcile the two: So-and-so is frustrated by the kids who keep interrupting. . . So-and-so is home from work AGAIN with a sick child and bored because she can't go to work. . . (There's been a lot of childhood illness going around Facebook.) So-and-so is able to see her child on 22 webcams at the Big Brother nursery. . . There is quire a bit of complaining about children, in more or less harsh terms as determined by Christmas-break cabin-fever. Sometimes, I find it shocking that the children are being spoken of so publicly in such harsh terms, though I recognize the reality of the frustration. It's the choice to publish such sentiments openly that shocks me. In these snapshots of people I used to know and their families whom I probably will never know, there is nevertheless an underlying warmth directed toward the smaller members of the species. They love their families. They live for their families. They work for their families. They find fulfillment in their families.
I am not in the position to contrast anyone's actual family-centeredness. However, the way this is communicated--seemingly so effortlessly--is something I have missed for many, many years. For the first time--oh, perhaps ever--I actually wish I had stayed closer to these people so that I could have known people my own age who were starting and growing families--starting and growing families for the sake of doing so, and seeing that in itself as a--perhaps as THE means to personal fulfillment, whatever importance work/job/career might have. I actually wish I had remained friends with other mommies because they are mommies, not because we have that--and some other philosophical, intellectual, or experiential commonalities. But that's not really the whole story. I want the whole picture. I wish that I had stayed in touch so that our children could attend one another's birthday parties or exchange presents at Christmas. So that we could have Christmas parties and Easter egg hunts. Not so that we could share mommy-experiences while the kids were occupied for a while.
It's funny how I will always think of these women as "girls." One of these "girls" has two girls--one about the age of my son, who turns 12 very soon. She is a year or two older than me--as everyone was back then--and she was married a bit before me. And she was into the mommy thing waaaay more than me back then--I saw her once when she was pregnant and she was practically knitting booties everywhere she went--like Darling in Lady and the Tramp. But the fact remained that she was living a family life all of these years, and, well, that does something.
What I'm trying to articulate is a way of looking at life that is somehow distinct from how I've looked at life until now, but which represents in some ways how I've lived life (without thinking of it in these terms) for the past 12 years. Perhaps it's more of a way of looking at marriage. What is a marriage, really? Is it a partnership? Is it an economic or social contract? Is it an intimate friendship? I look at these former friends and acquaintances, and it doesn't appear that marriage functioned exclusively--or primarily--in any of these ways for them. Nor was marriage simply something that they checked off the list of "things to do" before a certain age; nor was it a means to status, or a life goal in itself. No, in these people I recognize ambitions beyond marriage and family. But neither do I see marriage as an end in itself.
In fact, I do not see marriage as an end in itself. Marriage, in the culture in which I grew up, was a means to a family. Even in the case of a childless marriage, there could be the sense of a family rather than the eternal honeymoon of couple-ness. It is, perhaps, a state of mind. The collective is larger than the sum of the parts. We are not two, or three, or five people in the same house, although we are literally two, or three, or five people in the same house(hold). We are a family, which is larger. It has larger problems, perhaps, and frustrations, but also more capacity for love and survival. So these friends of mine did more than get married, have children, and careers. They allowed their lives to be shaped into families. And their families grew from the natural progression of their lives.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Saturday, December 20, 2008
A Job Search Chronicle
I've been remiss in my updates, I know. Because I have been remiss in my updates, I have spared everyone my angst, my pondering, my self-doubt, and all of the other mood variations that have accompanied this process!
I have been worried about the job search for years now. Entering the M.A./Ph.D. with the idea that finishing the terminal degree was the difficult part, I gradually became aware of the "gloom and doom" discourse surrounding the job search process. The rhetoric was rhetoric of "settling"--settling for a lesser university than the one we attend, settling for a non-tenure-track position, although that is not what we envisioned when we started, settling for a position teaching something we do not particularly want to be teaching (either permanently or with an eye to "moving on"). There is also some discussion of what it takes to get the job, and I have not been incredibly proactive. I have a lot of teaching experience, and some administrative experience. Both could theoretically help me, but I don't really want a job in administration, I have come to realize, so I won't be using that experience as fully as I might. I have one publication, and a reprint of that publication that I discovered recently, and a smattering of very minor, kind of quirky conferences. I have a couple of research awards to my credit and a couple of teaching awards from long, long ago--awards that I'm not sure I live up to, but no one has to know that!
Early in the process, I was advised that my best chances to get a job were in the field of composition rather than literature. Because my impression of the job market was so bleak, I reluctantly accepted this advice, and resolved myself to apply for mostly comp positions. I lost this resolve, however, at the beginning of the semester, both while perusing the job ads and while considering some of the things I dislike about teaching comp--namely, the emphasis on current political events. After having worked for several years to earn a doctorate in English, I did not want to engage students in the classroom with current events. So although I did apply for some comp jobs, most of the jobs I applied for were lit jobs. Truthfully, I don't really consider myself qualified to teach "rhetoric," and that's where serious rhet/comp jobs tend.
I only applied for 16 jobs, of which one has been cancelled and one postponed until the budget is reevaluated in April. This is a small number, comparatively speaking. I admit to being selective. I did not apply to any positions with an eye to "moving on"--I can't do that. I have too many family obligations. I did not apply to places where I did not reasonably think we might like to live, or to places that would have excessive cost of living. I had other criteria, too. Basically, I am looking for someplace conducive to family life where we can settle at least until my son graduates from high school. I'm not sure I had that actual event as a conscious goal, but it sounds about right. I have come to realize that I had less well-articulated expectations, too, but those were not part of my motivation as I was choosing places where I would apply.
I have written before about the large national convention. The way I see it, it has its benefits. The school and the applicant only have to pay for one trip to interview (at least the preliminary interview). Because everyone comes to a single location, applicants come from across the country rather than looking in a single geographical area for ease of travel to interviews. More applicants at the convention means more to choose from, perhaps being surprised by an unlikely candidate that is a "risk." Basically, there is a bit more cross-pollination of the discipline. This, for me, does not make up for some of its more grievous drawbacks. First, there is the cost. The convention is always held in very, very expensive cities, in the most expensive hotels. Candidates are not reimbursed by their expenses the way they would be if they were presenting papers at the convention. An applicant must make plans to attend the convention far in advance, but the hiring departments can wait literally until the week--or a few days--before the convention because they are assured that the serious job seeker will certainly plan to be in attendance. It dehumanizes the process a bit, to my mind. I object to feeling that my attendance or non-attendance is a reflection of how badly I want a job--life is more complicated than that, you know? Also, the schools may choose to interview more candidates than they are considering seriously, meaning on the one hand that an ostensibly "less attractive" candidate may be given a fair shot, but also meaning that the hiring departments have the option of stringing along many more candidates than they might otherwise, causing expense, inconvenience and nervous anxiety to a greater number of individuals. I'm a real half-empty sort. My cynicism comes out at times like this.
Now, I hate traveling alone. I resent the expense and inconvenience of career-related travel, at least at this stage, because it is very difficult and I never have enough money to make it an enjoyable experience. If I could take the family and have enough money that the expense would not be a huge source of stress, it wouldn't be so bad. But I REALLY hate traveling alone. I have significant anxiety when traveling alone. So this preference certainly comes into play.
Both the rational objections and irrational reactions play into my decision not to attend the convention. My other fear is that I would pay for the ticket, registration, hotel, etc., and not have any interviews at all. As it turns out, I would have had two!!
So I was in the uncomfortable position of having to turn down two interviews. Both, however, expressed continued interest. One I have not heard back from. One will interview me by phone in January, after the convention. It has been impressed upon me how fortunate I am, how grateful and gracious I should be, and (before I got the phone interview) how rare this is and how I shouldn't really expect it. Much of this, I believe, was said in the name of trying to get me to change my mind--which I resent on several levels, and won't go into right now.
Both schools are the south, small regional branches of a state schools--a nice change from where I am now, but one that would entail much more teaching. The one that will interview me seems to have a smallish, eclectic department--the personalities come through on the web page (especially that of the head of the search committee), and they seem like people I would like to work with. The department seems literature-centered, which is just wonderful. I can teach theory if required--I even like to teach some theory, but when the theory becomes the motivation for teaching the literature, I become frustrated. It seems as though this may be a department of like-minded people. On the other hand, they seem to have hired a good number of assistant professors lately, recent Ph.D.s, suggesting that they are looking to "grow" the department, which is also good. The research requirement seems fairly lax, which would give me the opportunity to get my footing (this is a difference from the other department that contacted me--they seem to expect higher publication rates). And it is a literature position! There is a composition teaching requirement, but it is a lit position. All in all, exactly what I could wish for. But of course, there has to be a drawback. And really, it's a doozy. . .
The town is very, very small. Painfully small. Small population; only a single Catholic church in the county (!). No shopping to speak of as far as I can tell. The town itself only has one of each "level" of school--elementary, middle, high--and they don't have orchestra. :( I'm not sure if there would be a montessori preschool. Their is a neighboring town that is a bit bigger, but still very, very small. About an hour away, there's a town with TWO Wal-Marts! *sigh* I always imagined myself moving on to a larger town, not smaller. I worry about choice in medical care, schools, any number of things. Besides housing. Now housing is very, very cheap, which means a smaller cost of living. If it comes down to it, then, it will be a difficult decision, but I will have to consider my family first. I do not want my son's education or my daughters' care to suffer so that I can take a position my first year out. Of course, it may not come to this at all, as phone interviews do put one at a disadvantage, so no use counting chickens. . . On the other hand, it is good to know what the factors are in the decision.
The other town is closer geographically to where I am now, and is certainly larger. There is also a larger Catholic population, which means Catholic schools are a possibility! There is even a zoo and museum in the town, which would be nice. The state is poorer as a whole, and is suffering cuts to the university system as we speak (as are many states). Actually, I think this goes for both states, but one seems better off than the other. And I don't think I'm likely to hear back from school #2. I am happy to have heard from them in the first place, though. I'm not sure these two interviews would have justified the expense and inconvenience and neuroses of attending the convention, however. Had I heard from another one or two, I might regret my decision--or maybe not.
What I have gained from this years' job search so far (and it's not over by any means!) is a significant confidence boost. It no longer feels as though I lack the professional activities necessary to get the job. I also do not feel that it is far-fetched for me to get the kind of position--namely, in Brit Lit--that I really want to get--the kind that I envisioned when I started grad school. That is a relief, and an incredible realization. I have been feeling so negative for so long--almost to the point of feeling that I had wasted my time getting the Ph.D., though I'm not sure what I would have done otherwise. Now, I at least know that there are universities out there who are looking for someone like me, who will be interested in my application. I also know that I can get a position doing what I want to do--teaching what I want to teach. I do wish that the teaching loads were a bit lower, though.
Now I need to apply for some more positions--whenever they happen to show up!
I have been worried about the job search for years now. Entering the M.A./Ph.D. with the idea that finishing the terminal degree was the difficult part, I gradually became aware of the "gloom and doom" discourse surrounding the job search process. The rhetoric was rhetoric of "settling"--settling for a lesser university than the one we attend, settling for a non-tenure-track position, although that is not what we envisioned when we started, settling for a position teaching something we do not particularly want to be teaching (either permanently or with an eye to "moving on"). There is also some discussion of what it takes to get the job, and I have not been incredibly proactive. I have a lot of teaching experience, and some administrative experience. Both could theoretically help me, but I don't really want a job in administration, I have come to realize, so I won't be using that experience as fully as I might. I have one publication, and a reprint of that publication that I discovered recently, and a smattering of very minor, kind of quirky conferences. I have a couple of research awards to my credit and a couple of teaching awards from long, long ago--awards that I'm not sure I live up to, but no one has to know that!
Early in the process, I was advised that my best chances to get a job were in the field of composition rather than literature. Because my impression of the job market was so bleak, I reluctantly accepted this advice, and resolved myself to apply for mostly comp positions. I lost this resolve, however, at the beginning of the semester, both while perusing the job ads and while considering some of the things I dislike about teaching comp--namely, the emphasis on current political events. After having worked for several years to earn a doctorate in English, I did not want to engage students in the classroom with current events. So although I did apply for some comp jobs, most of the jobs I applied for were lit jobs. Truthfully, I don't really consider myself qualified to teach "rhetoric," and that's where serious rhet/comp jobs tend.
I only applied for 16 jobs, of which one has been cancelled and one postponed until the budget is reevaluated in April. This is a small number, comparatively speaking. I admit to being selective. I did not apply to any positions with an eye to "moving on"--I can't do that. I have too many family obligations. I did not apply to places where I did not reasonably think we might like to live, or to places that would have excessive cost of living. I had other criteria, too. Basically, I am looking for someplace conducive to family life where we can settle at least until my son graduates from high school. I'm not sure I had that actual event as a conscious goal, but it sounds about right. I have come to realize that I had less well-articulated expectations, too, but those were not part of my motivation as I was choosing places where I would apply.
I have written before about the large national convention. The way I see it, it has its benefits. The school and the applicant only have to pay for one trip to interview (at least the preliminary interview). Because everyone comes to a single location, applicants come from across the country rather than looking in a single geographical area for ease of travel to interviews. More applicants at the convention means more to choose from, perhaps being surprised by an unlikely candidate that is a "risk." Basically, there is a bit more cross-pollination of the discipline. This, for me, does not make up for some of its more grievous drawbacks. First, there is the cost. The convention is always held in very, very expensive cities, in the most expensive hotels. Candidates are not reimbursed by their expenses the way they would be if they were presenting papers at the convention. An applicant must make plans to attend the convention far in advance, but the hiring departments can wait literally until the week--or a few days--before the convention because they are assured that the serious job seeker will certainly plan to be in attendance. It dehumanizes the process a bit, to my mind. I object to feeling that my attendance or non-attendance is a reflection of how badly I want a job--life is more complicated than that, you know? Also, the schools may choose to interview more candidates than they are considering seriously, meaning on the one hand that an ostensibly "less attractive" candidate may be given a fair shot, but also meaning that the hiring departments have the option of stringing along many more candidates than they might otherwise, causing expense, inconvenience and nervous anxiety to a greater number of individuals. I'm a real half-empty sort. My cynicism comes out at times like this.
Now, I hate traveling alone. I resent the expense and inconvenience of career-related travel, at least at this stage, because it is very difficult and I never have enough money to make it an enjoyable experience. If I could take the family and have enough money that the expense would not be a huge source of stress, it wouldn't be so bad. But I REALLY hate traveling alone. I have significant anxiety when traveling alone. So this preference certainly comes into play.
Both the rational objections and irrational reactions play into my decision not to attend the convention. My other fear is that I would pay for the ticket, registration, hotel, etc., and not have any interviews at all. As it turns out, I would have had two!!
So I was in the uncomfortable position of having to turn down two interviews. Both, however, expressed continued interest. One I have not heard back from. One will interview me by phone in January, after the convention. It has been impressed upon me how fortunate I am, how grateful and gracious I should be, and (before I got the phone interview) how rare this is and how I shouldn't really expect it. Much of this, I believe, was said in the name of trying to get me to change my mind--which I resent on several levels, and won't go into right now.
Both schools are the south, small regional branches of a state schools--a nice change from where I am now, but one that would entail much more teaching. The one that will interview me seems to have a smallish, eclectic department--the personalities come through on the web page (especially that of the head of the search committee), and they seem like people I would like to work with. The department seems literature-centered, which is just wonderful. I can teach theory if required--I even like to teach some theory, but when the theory becomes the motivation for teaching the literature, I become frustrated. It seems as though this may be a department of like-minded people. On the other hand, they seem to have hired a good number of assistant professors lately, recent Ph.D.s, suggesting that they are looking to "grow" the department, which is also good. The research requirement seems fairly lax, which would give me the opportunity to get my footing (this is a difference from the other department that contacted me--they seem to expect higher publication rates). And it is a literature position! There is a composition teaching requirement, but it is a lit position. All in all, exactly what I could wish for. But of course, there has to be a drawback. And really, it's a doozy. . .
The town is very, very small. Painfully small. Small population; only a single Catholic church in the county (!). No shopping to speak of as far as I can tell. The town itself only has one of each "level" of school--elementary, middle, high--and they don't have orchestra. :( I'm not sure if there would be a montessori preschool. Their is a neighboring town that is a bit bigger, but still very, very small. About an hour away, there's a town with TWO Wal-Marts! *sigh* I always imagined myself moving on to a larger town, not smaller. I worry about choice in medical care, schools, any number of things. Besides housing. Now housing is very, very cheap, which means a smaller cost of living. If it comes down to it, then, it will be a difficult decision, but I will have to consider my family first. I do not want my son's education or my daughters' care to suffer so that I can take a position my first year out. Of course, it may not come to this at all, as phone interviews do put one at a disadvantage, so no use counting chickens. . . On the other hand, it is good to know what the factors are in the decision.
The other town is closer geographically to where I am now, and is certainly larger. There is also a larger Catholic population, which means Catholic schools are a possibility! There is even a zoo and museum in the town, which would be nice. The state is poorer as a whole, and is suffering cuts to the university system as we speak (as are many states). Actually, I think this goes for both states, but one seems better off than the other. And I don't think I'm likely to hear back from school #2. I am happy to have heard from them in the first place, though. I'm not sure these two interviews would have justified the expense and inconvenience and neuroses of attending the convention, however. Had I heard from another one or two, I might regret my decision--or maybe not.
What I have gained from this years' job search so far (and it's not over by any means!) is a significant confidence boost. It no longer feels as though I lack the professional activities necessary to get the job. I also do not feel that it is far-fetched for me to get the kind of position--namely, in Brit Lit--that I really want to get--the kind that I envisioned when I started grad school. That is a relief, and an incredible realization. I have been feeling so negative for so long--almost to the point of feeling that I had wasted my time getting the Ph.D., though I'm not sure what I would have done otherwise. Now, I at least know that there are universities out there who are looking for someone like me, who will be interested in my application. I also know that I can get a position doing what I want to do--teaching what I want to teach. I do wish that the teaching loads were a bit lower, though.
Now I need to apply for some more positions--whenever they happen to show up!
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Montessori Holiday Party/Encounters with "Social Interaction"
This morning, I actually had the leisure (and the courage!!) to take Doodle to her holiday party. I strapped Chiclette to me and led Doodle into the school and to the various tables of activities. They decorated graham cracker houses, made snow pictures, laced Christmas cards, rolled & cut an ornament out of dough made from cinnamon, applesauce, and glue (???), and strung cranberries and popcorn on wire. She could also have made a bird feeder, but they substituted the peanut butter that they usually spread on the pine cones with Crisco. I was too grossed out. I remembered that there is one child with a severe nut allergy, so that explains the substitution. The morning was fun, but tiring. Doodle really enjoys having activities that are suited to her skill level--no need to constrain her. It's so nice for her. The much touted "social interaction" of preschool perplexes her a bit, and rather frustrates me.
Little girls are taught and expected to interact in such different ways from little boys. It really sets up the cliquishness of the pre-teen and teen years. I can't stand seeing its beginnings. Doodle was stringing cranberries and popcorn on a wire. A little girl came up, but there was no chair. So she squeezed onto Doodle's chair, which Doodle was fine with--she was happy to share! Then little girl #2 comes walking up. There was no chair. So little girl #1 starts pushing Doodle off of the chair because "Claire needs a chair"! Claire's mom chimes in, "That's O.K., Claire can stand," but that really didn't solve the problem. Doodle knew that she was being thrown over. Luckily, it didn't upset her too badly. More than anything, she was perplexed by her friend's behavior (everyone is a friend to her--she even calls me "her friend Momma" sometimes!). The "so-and-so likes her better than me" is a new concept. She knows no hierarchies in friendship. :( So I went and got another chair and plopped it down for Doodle! She moved on to a different activity not long after that. Little boys wouldn't bother with this. Why do people teach their daughters to behave like this? No one needs to cultivate a "best friend" relationship in a preschooler. After a while, it has more to do with status, and making sure that your child's friends' clothes cost the same as your child's clothes, and that they live in a house that appraises favorably. It's not as bad sending your son to a snob school as your daughter.
Little girls are taught and expected to interact in such different ways from little boys. It really sets up the cliquishness of the pre-teen and teen years. I can't stand seeing its beginnings. Doodle was stringing cranberries and popcorn on a wire. A little girl came up, but there was no chair. So she squeezed onto Doodle's chair, which Doodle was fine with--she was happy to share! Then little girl #2 comes walking up. There was no chair. So little girl #1 starts pushing Doodle off of the chair because "Claire needs a chair"! Claire's mom chimes in, "That's O.K., Claire can stand," but that really didn't solve the problem. Doodle knew that she was being thrown over. Luckily, it didn't upset her too badly. More than anything, she was perplexed by her friend's behavior (everyone is a friend to her--she even calls me "her friend Momma" sometimes!). The "so-and-so likes her better than me" is a new concept. She knows no hierarchies in friendship. :( So I went and got another chair and plopped it down for Doodle! She moved on to a different activity not long after that. Little boys wouldn't bother with this. Why do people teach their daughters to behave like this? No one needs to cultivate a "best friend" relationship in a preschooler. After a while, it has more to do with status, and making sure that your child's friends' clothes cost the same as your child's clothes, and that they live in a house that appraises favorably. It's not as bad sending your son to a snob school as your daughter.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Why I don't get things done. . .
I finally have the girls asleep at the same time.
Of course, this happened with less than an hour before I needed to leave the house to pick up my son from school.
So I was thinking about posting my snow pictures to the family blog.
Snow pictures reminded me that it's snowing in New Orleans. So I thought maybe I should call my mom and see how she and my brother are enjoying the snow.
Which reminded me that I need to pay the phone bill.
So I did nothing.
Okay, then I posted this.
Of course, this happened with less than an hour before I needed to leave the house to pick up my son from school.
So I was thinking about posting my snow pictures to the family blog.
Snow pictures reminded me that it's snowing in New Orleans. So I thought maybe I should call my mom and see how she and my brother are enjoying the snow.
Which reminded me that I need to pay the phone bill.
So I did nothing.
Okay, then I posted this.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
First Christmas Card!
In the middle of a bleak week, with end-of-semester grading blues, feeling overwhelmed, getting over bronchitis (but not fast enough) and taking care of my even sicker Chiclette, pondering bad job search news that should be good job search news (more on that later--possibly), having Charlie-Brownish thoughts about my mailbox, I received a Christmas card!! From our own bloggy-friend Sarah from just another day of Catholic pondering. And I've been such a bad blogger and blog-friend lately (and a number of other nouns I could add). Thanks for the smile, wish, greeting, blessing and precious pictures, Sarah! :)
Sunday, December 7, 2008
A Further Thought on Anne Rice. . .
I wonder (without investigating it) how much of a repudiation of her earlier literary production is implied in her conversion? I mean, what about that Sleeping Beauty series? As an author, she is of course already distanced from her early works, but really. . . I suppose I'm not supposed to think about this, but well. . . "Forgive me Father. . . Just go read chapters 3, 8, 9. . ." Because I had not previously been Baptized, I was spared the pain and mortification of digging up all of my past since--for better or worse. I probably should have had to do so, though I was thankful that I did not. But when one's sins--intellectually speaking--are part of one's professional ouvre? Most creative writers regard their earlier works with some embarrassment and a little contempt (a former professor of mine referred to his "baby book.") I can imagine the discomfort of having spiritual baggage attached also. After all, I've written poetry myself--and published a poem or two. But I wonder about the practical side--what does it mean to have this side of one's faith--or doubt--on display? Perhaps that in itself is a penance.
Books I Want (to Read)
In my spare time. . . ;)
Cross-posted at Booknotes from Literacy-Chic.
In Barnes and Noble the other day, I was looking in the nonfiction section to try to find a compelling book to replace the one we are currently using in our freshman composition course. I found one that I will be using in my own comp class next semester: Remix: Making Art and Commerce Thrive in the Hybrid Economy. It is a compelling topic that has impact on the life of universities--internet and copyright. Students have been trying to write about NAPSTER since I started teaching, and we are getting to the point where there is abundant scholarly material on the topic. In addition, the book stresses issues of writing and rhetoric and writing. The introduction refers to Lakoff and Johnson, gurus of metaphor and its implications. Another chapter begins with a discussion of use of sources in English papers--perfect! At any rate, I hope so. Of course, the best thing is that these are intellectual topics--subject to some emotional response, but not one that college freshmen (or non-freshmen) will be unable to control--and topics that I wouldn't mind discussing. This should prove to be an interesting book, but not one that I would necessarily read if not for teaching. . .
On the other hand, I found another book in B & N that I would really like to read: Anne Rice's memoir of her return to Catholicism, Called Out of Darkness: A Spiritual Confession. I love conversion narrative--though not the early 17th century kind that you find in American Lit textbooks! I love the book Prodigal Daughters: Catholic Women Come Home to the Church, for example. Interesting thing--like the Anne Rice book, it is not really a conversion narrative, but a reversion--except that a conversion is a "turning toward," so indeed, it is a conversion, just not as "conversion" is usually meant. I have seen critiques of Rice's "brand" of Catholicism--that is, her failure to accept Church teaching on prominent social issues. This is hardly surprising, especially given her connection to New Orleans. On the other hand, it is perhaps important to recognize "conversion" as a process for anyone, including those who already see themselves as faithful Catholics. All of us have moments when we drift, even just a little, and come back, the important part is that we remind ourselves of the True Goal. So I am not looking to Anne Rice as a model of Catholicism, which I hope others do not do. I am well acquainted with Rice's novels, having read the first 4 vampire chronicles--repeatedly--in high school and early in my college career. Interestingly, it was Rice that first led me to investigate the meaning of the words "tabernacle" and "Transubstantiation." That alone is reason for me to read of her spiritual journey. I expect to find more than a touch of arrogance, even in her semblance of humility--but again, I'm not reading her as a spiritual guide, and it takes a bit of egotism to write such a book, though humility is a necessary part of the ethos of such an undertaking (a little rhetorical analysis). I am not particularly interested in her Road to Cana, etc. I picked it up once--in SAM'S club, I think--and was a little put off by the whole project. I'm not crazy about the idea of fictionalizing the life of Jesus. It just seems like treading on dangerous territory--theologically speaking. Remember that arrogance I mentioned? Yeah, that too. What I am primarily looking for in Called Out of Darkness is a feeling. And Rice is particularly good at evoking feeling. And seeing how rooted her feelings are in a particular place, and how we share that place as a common background, and share a common (or uncommon) religious experience, well, I think I could really enjoy reading the book. I told my son the other day that when I was a little girl, all little old ladies were Catholic, and their houses were all adorned with statues of saints and holy pictures. And that created a feeling--something that has become meaningful for me in recent years. I want to read about the influences of the beauty of Catholic culture on Rice, and how it influenced her conversion, since I know--on a level--what she is talking about. Perhaps one of these days I will have the opportunity to read it.
There are two others that catch my attention for cerebral reasons. From the New York Times "Notable Books of 2008":
The Ten-Cent Plague: The Great Comic Book Scare and How it Changed America by David Hajdu
and
A Great Idea at the Time: The Rise, Fall and Curious Afterlife of the Great Books Project by Alex Beam
Because I am sitting down for the 4th or 5th time to try to finish this post, and because interruption seems imminent, I will not give too many of my impressions. After all, I have not actually held these books, I have just seen them online. You can, after all, tell a great deal about a book just from perusing it for 15 minutes--enough to write a decent review! I will say that these are rather predictable choices--being about literacy. Books about books--my specialty!
Cross-posted at Booknotes from Literacy-Chic.
In Barnes and Noble the other day, I was looking in the nonfiction section to try to find a compelling book to replace the one we are currently using in our freshman composition course. I found one that I will be using in my own comp class next semester: Remix: Making Art and Commerce Thrive in the Hybrid Economy. It is a compelling topic that has impact on the life of universities--internet and copyright. Students have been trying to write about NAPSTER since I started teaching, and we are getting to the point where there is abundant scholarly material on the topic. In addition, the book stresses issues of writing and rhetoric and writing. The introduction refers to Lakoff and Johnson, gurus of metaphor and its implications. Another chapter begins with a discussion of use of sources in English papers--perfect! At any rate, I hope so. Of course, the best thing is that these are intellectual topics--subject to some emotional response, but not one that college freshmen (or non-freshmen) will be unable to control--and topics that I wouldn't mind discussing. This should prove to be an interesting book, but not one that I would necessarily read if not for teaching. . .
On the other hand, I found another book in B & N that I would really like to read: Anne Rice's memoir of her return to Catholicism, Called Out of Darkness: A Spiritual Confession. I love conversion narrative--though not the early 17th century kind that you find in American Lit textbooks! I love the book Prodigal Daughters: Catholic Women Come Home to the Church, for example. Interesting thing--like the Anne Rice book, it is not really a conversion narrative, but a reversion--except that a conversion is a "turning toward," so indeed, it is a conversion, just not as "conversion" is usually meant. I have seen critiques of Rice's "brand" of Catholicism--that is, her failure to accept Church teaching on prominent social issues. This is hardly surprising, especially given her connection to New Orleans. On the other hand, it is perhaps important to recognize "conversion" as a process for anyone, including those who already see themselves as faithful Catholics. All of us have moments when we drift, even just a little, and come back, the important part is that we remind ourselves of the True Goal. So I am not looking to Anne Rice as a model of Catholicism, which I hope others do not do. I am well acquainted with Rice's novels, having read the first 4 vampire chronicles--repeatedly--in high school and early in my college career. Interestingly, it was Rice that first led me to investigate the meaning of the words "tabernacle" and "Transubstantiation." That alone is reason for me to read of her spiritual journey. I expect to find more than a touch of arrogance, even in her semblance of humility--but again, I'm not reading her as a spiritual guide, and it takes a bit of egotism to write such a book, though humility is a necessary part of the ethos of such an undertaking (a little rhetorical analysis). I am not particularly interested in her Road to Cana, etc. I picked it up once--in SAM'S club, I think--and was a little put off by the whole project. I'm not crazy about the idea of fictionalizing the life of Jesus. It just seems like treading on dangerous territory--theologically speaking. Remember that arrogance I mentioned? Yeah, that too. What I am primarily looking for in Called Out of Darkness is a feeling. And Rice is particularly good at evoking feeling. And seeing how rooted her feelings are in a particular place, and how we share that place as a common background, and share a common (or uncommon) religious experience, well, I think I could really enjoy reading the book. I told my son the other day that when I was a little girl, all little old ladies were Catholic, and their houses were all adorned with statues of saints and holy pictures. And that created a feeling--something that has become meaningful for me in recent years. I want to read about the influences of the beauty of Catholic culture on Rice, and how it influenced her conversion, since I know--on a level--what she is talking about. Perhaps one of these days I will have the opportunity to read it.
There are two others that catch my attention for cerebral reasons. From the New York Times "Notable Books of 2008":
The Ten-Cent Plague: The Great Comic Book Scare and How it Changed America by David Hajdu
and
A Great Idea at the Time: The Rise, Fall and Curious Afterlife of the Great Books Project by Alex Beam
Because I am sitting down for the 4th or 5th time to try to finish this post, and because interruption seems imminent, I will not give too many of my impressions. After all, I have not actually held these books, I have just seen them online. You can, after all, tell a great deal about a book just from perusing it for 15 minutes--enough to write a decent review! I will say that these are rather predictable choices--being about literacy. Books about books--my specialty!
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
My Baby Has a Complex
My Chiclette, who is now 1 year (as of November 4), seems to be getting the idea that she plays second fiddle to her sister, who is now 3 (as of October 6), mainly because, up to this point, Doodle has been the "high maintenance" one. As Doodle becomes more cooperative and willing to follow directions--but not much less demanding of my time, since she has been known to respond to Chiclette's cries, whines and wails by promptly claiming her place on my lap!--Chiclette fills in the gap. Although Chiclette has begun diving from the arms of whoever is holding her, lunging toward me in desperation, and snuggling into my shoulder, she is almost entirely unwilling to let me rock her to sleep! Her daddy rocks her to sleep; my sister rocks her to sleep. Even my younger brother--who is 13--was able to put her to sleep one night! But she fights me and fights me, whether nap or bedtime, but clearly WANTS me. And I completely lack patience. It is a symptom of juggling too many thoughts, concerns and efforts all at once. I have rarely nursed her without a computer in front of me. She nurses still--though infrequently (often not infrequently enough for my short attention span)--and has taken to clicking the button on my trackpad while nursing! Unlike Doodle, who didn't care what else I was doing, so long as I had her on my lap--or so long as she could get into it--Chiclette seems genuinely annoyed that her birth order and (previously) easy disposition means, frequently, that she waits a bit for my attention and the fulfillment of her needs. I didn't come to this conclusion all at once. I have been noticing that she seems conflicted about whether she is ready to wean, though she is drinking milk and yogurt, and eating as many meals a day as she can get from us--and though I am very ready. I am aware, also, of my increasing agitation with her clinginess, something I remember from the final days (months) of nursing Doodle, though it extends to times when she is not nursing, but is nervously rubbing her hands on my neck, etc.--a sweet gesture, if it wasn't so insistent!! Nursing my son was never like this, somehow. The girls seem to be using nursing as a way to commandeer my attention in a way that he--well, never needed to do, both because he was the first and because life was simpler back then! So it has been a concern to me that Chiclette won't go to sleep for me--at least without a fight, though she sleeps for others, as I have mentioned. Last night was bad, but today was worse. She was almost asleep once and woke when I received a phone call, then ABSOLUTELY would not go back to sleep. I was even moved to leave her in her bed crying for a bit--something I never do. So I brought her out to play for a while and eat before I had to try again, this time with Doodle along also, which is the norm at night (though that is seeming less advisable lately). This time, I had the task of figuring out what to do with both of them, as Doodle is still rocked to sleep. Doodle was very ready to settle down, but Chiclette was less so. She struggled and fidgeted and struggled, even when I had her more settled and Doodle asleep on my lap. The only way I could get her to settle down was to sing a song with her name as the main lyric. I sang her name and she looked me in the eye and relaxed immediately. No more fidgeting. And finally, she let herself sleep, content that Momma was finally, finally, focusing attention on her alone.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Prayer Request--UPDATE
Please say a prayer for my friend who will be having a C-section today at 4 P.M.--about a week earlier than planned. The baby is at 37-38 weeks, which is very good. Recurrent low levels of amniotic fluid prompted the doctor to move the date up. Everyone is hoping for a healthy baby and momma at the end of a blessedly uneventful high-risk pregnancy.
Pray for the intercession of St. Gerard and Our Lady of La Leche.
UPDATE: The baby was born at 4:40, at a healthy weight and a good length! Thank you for your prayers!
Pray for the intercession of St. Gerard and Our Lady of La Leche.
UPDATE: The baby was born at 4:40, at a healthy weight and a good length! Thank you for your prayers!
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Survey of Academic Blogger Moms
For all of you who have not yet seen or received this, I wanted to post a link to a study that is being conducted by a graduate student in Social Psychology at the University of Connecticut who is conducting a study examining the role of blogging in the lives of Academic mothers. From the email:
Your participation would involve the completion of an anonymous online survey. The survey contains a mixture of multiple-choice and open-response questions, and should take less than an hour to complete. The survey does not have to be completed in one session. You may stop at any time and return later to complete it.
If you know other women who might be interested in participating, please feel free to forward this message to them. Also, feel free to post the link to the survey in your blog.
There are several of you who immediately come to mind as valuable participants in this survey, and I was thinking about forwarding the email, but I thought this might be more efficient. I might still send an email to those who visit less often, so if you see this and plan to participate, could you leave a comment so I won't bug you again? Thanks. Now back to my crying child. . .
Caution: This thing requires a HUGE time commitment! (Though you can save & go back.)
Your participation would involve the completion of an anonymous online survey. The survey contains a mixture of multiple-choice and open-response questions, and should take less than an hour to complete. The survey does not have to be completed in one session. You may stop at any time and return later to complete it.
If you know other women who might be interested in participating, please feel free to forward this message to them. Also, feel free to post the link to the survey in your blog.
There are several of you who immediately come to mind as valuable participants in this survey, and I was thinking about forwarding the email, but I thought this might be more efficient. I might still send an email to those who visit less often, so if you see this and plan to participate, could you leave a comment so I won't bug you again? Thanks. Now back to my crying child. . .
Caution: This thing requires a HUGE time commitment! (Though you can save & go back.)
Monday, October 27, 2008
I AM still alive. . .
Just in case you were all wondering. Just very, very busy. I posted some new pics on the family blog, for those of you who are family and friends. There are two new posts. I'm writing a paper today that I was supposed to lead up to on the book blog, but didn't. I need to present the paper Tuesday afternoon.
I have reached a pause and a waiting stage with the job search, having applied to a disgraceful 15 positions. Trouble is, there are not many that I would take if they were offered to me. I am well seated for a job in rhet/comp, but I would rather shoot myself in the foot than try to get excited about making students talk/write about politics. I like teaching writing; I've never been interested in politics. I would much rather have the students think about aspects of their lives that affect them that they may NEVER have to vote on. There are so very many things in life that are arguable. So most of the positions I have applied to combine composition and literature teaching duties. That, I could live with. Most of them have abysmal teaching loads--akin to community colleges, with research requirements. That's not what I've been working for for the past 10 years--at least, unless the classes are small. That would be okay.
I have applied for one position that I would really like to have. It's a very conservative Catholic college. So conservative, in fact, that their health insurance plan doesn't cover birth control! (NOT Steubenville or Ave Maria) (Don't Google it) The subject field is marginally related to mine, but I think I made a good argument for it. I hope. We'll see. It's different. It's challenging. It's interesting. And I don't think I would have to pretend to be something I'm not--at least, not much!
You know, though, I'm not--and I never have been--comfortable being labeled by my politics, which really come down to a choice of the lesser of evils. . . I would really rather be known as a Catholic academic (though really the Catholic part doesn't come up that often, so it's like saying "a Catholic person") who believes in personal integrity and the potential of every human individual. Someone who believes that education can make a difference in the person--I'm not particularly worried about the larger scope. I have my opinions, but that's not really what I'm setting out to change. In a conversation today, I was told, "well, you're more conservative than me, so. . ." (and no reflection at all on the person saying it--that she said it, I mean!--because I don't doubt that it's true, though I think that most of us can find some common ground!!) and while I like that it was acknowledged without insult or judgement, and that there was no assumption that all academics think the same, still there was something a little unsettling about it. . . For one thing, in day to day life, it's not how I present myself to the world.
Still don't want to go to the big convention to be interviewed (potentially)--can't afford it, really. Not having student loans just plain sucks. Besides that I can't leave Chiclette and Doodle. I'm afraid that I would be neurotic with anxiety over leaving them. Chiclette is not weaned, and Doodle--well, it really takes two of us to keep things running smoothly.
I've got a lot on my plate with teaching and thinking about my administrative tasks next semester. Not what I want to blog about. The teaching seems good sometimes, discouraging or overwhelming other times. I do get some kind of satisfaction out of it, but never so much as when it's all over!
I have reached a pause and a waiting stage with the job search, having applied to a disgraceful 15 positions. Trouble is, there are not many that I would take if they were offered to me. I am well seated for a job in rhet/comp, but I would rather shoot myself in the foot than try to get excited about making students talk/write about politics. I like teaching writing; I've never been interested in politics. I would much rather have the students think about aspects of their lives that affect them that they may NEVER have to vote on. There are so very many things in life that are arguable. So most of the positions I have applied to combine composition and literature teaching duties. That, I could live with. Most of them have abysmal teaching loads--akin to community colleges, with research requirements. That's not what I've been working for for the past 10 years--at least, unless the classes are small. That would be okay.
I have applied for one position that I would really like to have. It's a very conservative Catholic college. So conservative, in fact, that their health insurance plan doesn't cover birth control! (NOT Steubenville or Ave Maria) (Don't Google it) The subject field is marginally related to mine, but I think I made a good argument for it. I hope. We'll see. It's different. It's challenging. It's interesting. And I don't think I would have to pretend to be something I'm not--at least, not much!
You know, though, I'm not--and I never have been--comfortable being labeled by my politics, which really come down to a choice of the lesser of evils. . . I would really rather be known as a Catholic academic (though really the Catholic part doesn't come up that often, so it's like saying "a Catholic person") who believes in personal integrity and the potential of every human individual. Someone who believes that education can make a difference in the person--I'm not particularly worried about the larger scope. I have my opinions, but that's not really what I'm setting out to change. In a conversation today, I was told, "well, you're more conservative than me, so. . ." (and no reflection at all on the person saying it--that she said it, I mean!--because I don't doubt that it's true, though I think that most of us can find some common ground!!) and while I like that it was acknowledged without insult or judgement, and that there was no assumption that all academics think the same, still there was something a little unsettling about it. . . For one thing, in day to day life, it's not how I present myself to the world.
Still don't want to go to the big convention to be interviewed (potentially)--can't afford it, really. Not having student loans just plain sucks. Besides that I can't leave Chiclette and Doodle. I'm afraid that I would be neurotic with anxiety over leaving them. Chiclette is not weaned, and Doodle--well, it really takes two of us to keep things running smoothly.
I've got a lot on my plate with teaching and thinking about my administrative tasks next semester. Not what I want to blog about. The teaching seems good sometimes, discouraging or overwhelming other times. I do get some kind of satisfaction out of it, but never so much as when it's all over!
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Commitments
Taking a few short minutes to post. October promises to be a brutal month. I have deadlines to meet, papers due, papers returned, a test to write and give, and I've really settled in to the drudgery of the semester. I need to finish preparing my application materials and actually print them to mail them. I need to set up a dossier with the career center. I need to revise a dissertation chapter before the "revise and resubmit" becomes a "who were you again?" I don't even have the time to do the things that I need to do, much less the things I want to do. I'm sure I've forgotten something.
I have mixed feelings about going to the national convention where all interviews are held. I have resented from the beginning the "meat market" approach to job hunting, though that's not the whole story. There is a "meat market" quality, but my understanding is that the people who want to play the self-promotion game with no scheduled interviews are the ones who flit from booth to booth handing out their vitas. That is soooo not me! Although I don't see myself participating in that procedure, I also resent the intimidation and pressure of the centralized interviews, the depersonalization, the prospect of interviewing as one of many, many candidates. I also resent the expense of it all. This conference is generally held one of several cities that rank among the most expensive in the country. The scale of the conference is intimidating; the travel is intimidating; the expense is intimidating. I tend to perform well under pressure, but that doesn't mean I can't resent it beforehand!! The conference also takes place at a time that is inconvenient for me--midsemester break, between a prominent Christian holiday and a prominent secular holiday. A time traditionally associated with family, if one goes for that kind of thing. I don't like to leave my family at the most mundane of times. I feel rather like an essential part of my family dynamic right now, and the thought of leaving makes me apprehensive. And I just plain don't like traveling by myself--I've never done it much, really.
So I go back and forth in my mind about the convention--do I go? Do I not go? Theoretically, attendance at the convention should not determine one's consideration for the position--theoretically. Do I go alone? Do I take the family (and drive)? But that's only part of it, really. . .
Graduating has been good for me, in a way. I have more of a feeling of wanting to be involved in the academic community than I have in a while. I have had more interest in developing my own work recently. What I lack is TIME. I'm heading towards becoming burned out all over again, and I'm not even teaching what would be considered a "full load"--I'm only teaching 2 courses this semester and one course (of who knows what, but I've been almost guaranteed that it won't be the one thing I want to teach--a Brit Lit survey) next semester because of my "administrative duties" which have expanded in new and time-consuming directions. Now, the unexpected part is actually the most fun and rewarding, but that doesn't change the fact that it's an incredible demand on my time. The funny thing is, it's probably classified more under "service" (and I don't have a "service" requirement) than with my normal job duties. *sigh* I am trying to wrap up a funded project that is a whole lot of fun, and really excites me, but has been slow going because of constraints on my time and the hours of the archives. My 5-day a week schedule, while good for child care, has made me feel like I'm meeting myself "coming and going," as the expression goes--every time I wrap up one class, it's time to prepare for the next. At times, I feel very competent, with a real sense of accomplishment. Other times I feel swamped, frustrated, or simply--tired. And I'm only teaching 2 classes. Standard load for a job search is 3+ courses each semester. And I tend to get sick of the course I'm teaching halfway through. I sometimes think I would do better in a trimester system, but I can't imagine that that would make me feel less swamped. So while I'm enjoying having--rather than pursuing--the Ph.D., the newfound ambition is overwhelmed by an increase in job duties. I feel like to get the job materials out will mean putting my classes on hold in a significant way. Funny thing is, the materials are already ready! It's a matter of tweaking things for specific jobs and printing!
I don't really feel ready to be on the market. That's where this post has been tending. I think I need this year to do other things. . . Publish, for example. Catch up on some bills. Spend time with my girls while they're still little and need me. Make cupcakes for Doodle's first birthday at school (which was Monday, and which I did!). Make the girls some fall-to-winter outfits. Oh! and get used to a higher teaching load--gradually, if at all possible. There's time for tenure-track when Chiclette is old enough for pre-preschool (a 2-year-old or 3-year-old class). And yet, I don't really want to be stuck doing what I'm doing for too much longer. Non-academic alternatives strike me as 1) boring, 2) more time-consuming. So I'm stuck for now. Anything else would require my husband to change jobs. And really, that's not practical. So I'll go edit a teaching philosophy now (not the thing to do after a crummy morning class. . .)
I have mixed feelings about going to the national convention where all interviews are held. I have resented from the beginning the "meat market" approach to job hunting, though that's not the whole story. There is a "meat market" quality, but my understanding is that the people who want to play the self-promotion game with no scheduled interviews are the ones who flit from booth to booth handing out their vitas. That is soooo not me! Although I don't see myself participating in that procedure, I also resent the intimidation and pressure of the centralized interviews, the depersonalization, the prospect of interviewing as one of many, many candidates. I also resent the expense of it all. This conference is generally held one of several cities that rank among the most expensive in the country. The scale of the conference is intimidating; the travel is intimidating; the expense is intimidating. I tend to perform well under pressure, but that doesn't mean I can't resent it beforehand!! The conference also takes place at a time that is inconvenient for me--midsemester break, between a prominent Christian holiday and a prominent secular holiday. A time traditionally associated with family, if one goes for that kind of thing. I don't like to leave my family at the most mundane of times. I feel rather like an essential part of my family dynamic right now, and the thought of leaving makes me apprehensive. And I just plain don't like traveling by myself--I've never done it much, really.
So I go back and forth in my mind about the convention--do I go? Do I not go? Theoretically, attendance at the convention should not determine one's consideration for the position--theoretically. Do I go alone? Do I take the family (and drive)? But that's only part of it, really. . .
Graduating has been good for me, in a way. I have more of a feeling of wanting to be involved in the academic community than I have in a while. I have had more interest in developing my own work recently. What I lack is TIME. I'm heading towards becoming burned out all over again, and I'm not even teaching what would be considered a "full load"--I'm only teaching 2 courses this semester and one course (of who knows what, but I've been almost guaranteed that it won't be the one thing I want to teach--a Brit Lit survey) next semester because of my "administrative duties" which have expanded in new and time-consuming directions. Now, the unexpected part is actually the most fun and rewarding, but that doesn't change the fact that it's an incredible demand on my time. The funny thing is, it's probably classified more under "service" (and I don't have a "service" requirement) than with my normal job duties. *sigh* I am trying to wrap up a funded project that is a whole lot of fun, and really excites me, but has been slow going because of constraints on my time and the hours of the archives. My 5-day a week schedule, while good for child care, has made me feel like I'm meeting myself "coming and going," as the expression goes--every time I wrap up one class, it's time to prepare for the next. At times, I feel very competent, with a real sense of accomplishment. Other times I feel swamped, frustrated, or simply--tired. And I'm only teaching 2 classes. Standard load for a job search is 3+ courses each semester. And I tend to get sick of the course I'm teaching halfway through. I sometimes think I would do better in a trimester system, but I can't imagine that that would make me feel less swamped. So while I'm enjoying having--rather than pursuing--the Ph.D., the newfound ambition is overwhelmed by an increase in job duties. I feel like to get the job materials out will mean putting my classes on hold in a significant way. Funny thing is, the materials are already ready! It's a matter of tweaking things for specific jobs and printing!
I don't really feel ready to be on the market. That's where this post has been tending. I think I need this year to do other things. . . Publish, for example. Catch up on some bills. Spend time with my girls while they're still little and need me. Make cupcakes for Doodle's first birthday at school (which was Monday, and which I did!). Make the girls some fall-to-winter outfits. Oh! and get used to a higher teaching load--gradually, if at all possible. There's time for tenure-track when Chiclette is old enough for pre-preschool (a 2-year-old or 3-year-old class). And yet, I don't really want to be stuck doing what I'm doing for too much longer. Non-academic alternatives strike me as 1) boring, 2) more time-consuming. So I'm stuck for now. Anything else would require my husband to change jobs. And really, that's not practical. So I'll go edit a teaching philosophy now (not the thing to do after a crummy morning class. . .)
Monday, September 29, 2008
God's House
Over the summer, Doodle attended the child development center at our parish 3 days/week from 9-2:30. She was in a class with 2's, 3's, 4's, and 5's, in a Montessori-like environment. After a while, I started noticing something. . . Doodle would occasionally tell me about Jesus. "That's Jesus!" with a nod and wide, knowing eyes, pointing, usually I think, to a crucifix. Sometimes she would say, "A Jesus. A God." ("A" or "ah" approximating "it's" or "that's" until recently.) A day or two ago, she found a reproduction of an antique print of the Last Supper. Jesus is holding up bread, in the shape of the Host, representing the institution of the Eucharist. "Who's this?" Doodle asks. "Jesus," I reply. "Yes, Jesus," she says with certainty, nodding. She then proceeds to ask about the apostles, who occupy the edges of the image, though with less interest.
This evening, we got pizza from Papa John's. The franchise we ordered from, for pick-up, was a scant block away from the priests' residence, not two blocks from the church that is the student parish for the university and community college in the area. As we were waiting 5 min. before going in to check on the pizza order, the church bells rang. Doodle perked up, eyes wide, and said, "Listen!" Then she said something through her pacifier that sounded kind of like "God." I wasn't sure, but I started telling my husband about the influence of the church preschool. Then she said again, with excitement, "God! God!" So I asked, "God?" "Yes!" As my husband turned the car around to pull alongside the pizza place, she caught sight of the church (where she and Chiclette were baptized--and me, too!--and my son in the chapel, which is also where we were married. . . so many Sacraments, so many memories!). "There it is!" she said, pointing. "God!" Why yes, yes it is! :)
This evening, we got pizza from Papa John's. The franchise we ordered from, for pick-up, was a scant block away from the priests' residence, not two blocks from the church that is the student parish for the university and community college in the area. As we were waiting 5 min. before going in to check on the pizza order, the church bells rang. Doodle perked up, eyes wide, and said, "Listen!" Then she said something through her pacifier that sounded kind of like "God." I wasn't sure, but I started telling my husband about the influence of the church preschool. Then she said again, with excitement, "God! God!" So I asked, "God?" "Yes!" As my husband turned the car around to pull alongside the pizza place, she caught sight of the church (where she and Chiclette were baptized--and me, too!--and my son in the chapel, which is also where we were married. . . so many Sacraments, so many memories!). "There it is!" she said, pointing. "God!" Why yes, yes it is! :)
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Remembering What I Like. . .
I love poetry. I love talking about poetry and teaching poetry. I only enjoy rhetorical analysis insofar as it resembles close readings of the language of poetry and discussion of how the poem "works." I like that poetry comes in small packages (usually, that is), and can be read quickly, even on the spot, and yet packs in so much meaning that you can spend hours pondering words and ideas, and always have something to come back to. I love the rhythm of poetry, the way sounds work together. I have not spent so much time working with poetry that I no longer enjoy it--and I don't think that will happen. I fact, I'm not entirely sure I could write a long, conference-style paper on poetry. It's not something I've had the opportunity to try, actually. So the irony is, I'm not technically "qualified" to teach poetry. But I do love it, all the same. . .
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Families in the Abstract
Human relationships are difficult. Painfully difficult. The only thing that makes them more difficult than the intangibles already present are material things. I think that there are a number of different ways we can attempt to understand these difficulties--one of which is simply "offering them up". . . Except that that's not really simple. I have walked away from a number of friendships in my life, as I've mentioned before. Indeed, my tendency to cut ties or have people drift away was so pervasive, I feared on more than one occasion that the same would happen to my husband and I when we were dating. At any rate, circumstances did not permit me to screw that one up! I can ask of other relationships what I don't ask of my marriage (because I think the answers are both profoundly simple and simply profound)--what causes relationships to continue? Frequently, the answer is need. Perhaps it is a feature of post-lapsarian relationships that we must need each other in order to overcome difference. But material needs, while binding people together, do so in unpleasant ways. People neither like relying on others, not being relied upon, at least when the understanding is incomplete. Bad feelings fester. Breakdowns ensue. And the temptation is to run away. I am tempted to run away. To never have the bad feelings come up again because I am so far removed from the people and situation that I can happily block it from my mind and get on with my life. And never to be confronted with the judgment, scorn, and misunderstanding of those whom I have helped. In short, the temptation is to end the relationship. For those relationships that I have not been able to simply walk away from, I am grateful. For those I have been able to reconcile, if not mend and rebuild, I am also grateful. I hope to be grateful one day for not being able to flee from the relationships I would like to sever. I'm not there yet.
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love,
Where there is injury, pardon
Where there is doubt, faith,
Where there is despair, hope,
Where there is darkness, light,
Where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much
seek to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
it is in dying that we awake to eternal life.
~St. Francis of Assisi
Where there is hatred, let me sow love,
Where there is injury, pardon
Where there is doubt, faith,
Where there is despair, hope,
Where there is darkness, light,
Where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much
seek to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
it is in dying that we awake to eternal life.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Sometimes I Get the Feeling. . .
That by choosing to study and pursue what I love, I have lost the opportunity to enjoy what I love(d). To have a mundane job, and to read for pleasure. . . It seems a bit of a luxury.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Working is like Exercise for Me
I came to this conclusion yesterday, at the end of the long weekend, after an unexpected holiday on Friday for the hurricane that went away east. Because for 3 weeks I've been pretty well into the swing of things, managing to get the course prep done, grading a reasonable number of things, and enjoying the classroom dynamic. Admittedly, I'm getting worn down a bit from always being on the go. I have classes to teach 5 days a week, just like in the summer, except that in the summer I gave them Fridays off, and it was only 1 class, not 2. Having 2 classes makes it easy in a way--I don't have to come up with material for one class to fill 5 days' worth of discussion/lectures/activities. On the other hand, when I'm finished with teaching one course, it's time to turn around and work on the next one for the next day. This would be more of a pain if I was less familiar with the material. Although I am teaching from a new syllabus for composition, I have taught composition a hundred times. So I have activities ready-made that I can slip in as necessary. Also, there is a set of ready-made lesson plans to go along with the standard syllabus, though I have problems with some of the examples used, which introduce bias into the discussion in a way that has potential to be used well or poorly. Teaching children's lit similarly requires less prep than it did over the summer, though the classroom dynamic--35 students instead of 10--is vastly different and does not lend itself to the same kinds of activities. Many of my students come from education, and have a very different way of thinking about children's literature, so I have to steer them almost constantly away from the, "This is a good book because it can work well in a classroom in this way. . ." and try to induce them to think about it as literature, not as a prop for teaching. Also, spending the same number of class periods on a topic, but having those class periods spread over 2-3 weeks instead of concentrated in a single week gives everyone the feeling of going nowhere fast. And it's getting depressing. So I'm looking forward to moving on to poetry. But I'm feeling a little discouraged all the same.
So how is working like exercise? Well, when I'm in the middle of it, in the "swing of things," so to speak, I feel pretty excited & good about what I'm doing. It energizes me. After a good class, I'm on a kind of "high." I talk about the class for hours. My husband gets sick of hearing about it! ;) But when I'm away from it, even for a long weekend, especially if I have unexpectedly "gotten out of" teaching for one day, it feels impossible to get back into it. The same thing happens to me with exercise. The same thing happens to me with research and writing. It's why the dissertation seemed to drag--I spent more time dreading the work than actually working on it. Even blogging is like this for me--if I've missed checking on blogs for a number of days, it feels like a huge task to get back into them, even though I know I enjoy it!!
I know this is not the case with exercise, though it can be time consuming, but one of the things that research, teaching, and blogging share is a huge commitment of mental energy. Answering emails is the same. I know, quite often, that if I let myself get started with a blog or an email, I will keep going until it's done, expending a great deal of mental energy and becoming engrossed for hours at a time sometimes. So sometimes, I prefer not to start. Research and writing are similar--the mental effort is considerable, the time commitment is significant, and there doesn't ever seem to be an ideal time to start. Truthfully, sewing is the same for me. When I start a project, I want to know that I can finish the project in a reasonable amount of time--a few days, usually. And that means from cutting out the fabric to pressing the finished item. If I leave something just slightly unfinished, I hate to go back to it. Doodle has a jumper without loops to hold the loose ends of the shoulder straps, and a dress that needs a hook-and-eye above the zipper to look "finished"--minor details, and not very time consuming, but if I haven't gotten the details finished with the rest of the garment, I don't want to go back. I would rather start something new. And if I put a project aside earlier--watch out!! I have to force myself, trick myself, reward myself with the prospect of starting the thing I really want to work on--or it never gets done.
Looking over this, it seems like I have a strange combination of procrastination, obsessive-compulsive tendencies, and perfectionism--the kind of crippling perfectionism that leads one to avoid starting the project for fear of being engrossed in details. I never completed an incomplete because I couldn't find the "perfect" topic to write about. I had set pretty high standards with another paper for the same professor, and didn't want to fall short. So I couldn't do it. The mental block was huge. I think I stopped writing poetry because I stopped thinking that my ideas were poem-worthy--I rather got out of that way of seeing the world.
I got over this to a degree with the dissertation. Remember Dori from Finding Nemo? She sang, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. . ." Eventually, I just had to force myself to keep writing, reminding myself that my mediocre writing was usually sufficient for the job I was trying to get done. Teaching has its built-in motivation, thank goodness. The students will keep coming, the semester continues to progress. I can't just stop and dread what needs to be done. Then there will be good days, and I will think, "How is it that I dreaded this so much?" I will go the library to do my archival research and return home excited by all of the ideas that I have had while reading and try to hold on to that enthusiasm until the next week. It's about rhythm, really. It's about routine. Like exercise. But I never can stick with it, somehow. . .
So how is working like exercise? Well, when I'm in the middle of it, in the "swing of things," so to speak, I feel pretty excited & good about what I'm doing. It energizes me. After a good class, I'm on a kind of "high." I talk about the class for hours. My husband gets sick of hearing about it! ;) But when I'm away from it, even for a long weekend, especially if I have unexpectedly "gotten out of" teaching for one day, it feels impossible to get back into it. The same thing happens to me with exercise. The same thing happens to me with research and writing. It's why the dissertation seemed to drag--I spent more time dreading the work than actually working on it. Even blogging is like this for me--if I've missed checking on blogs for a number of days, it feels like a huge task to get back into them, even though I know I enjoy it!!
I know this is not the case with exercise, though it can be time consuming, but one of the things that research, teaching, and blogging share is a huge commitment of mental energy. Answering emails is the same. I know, quite often, that if I let myself get started with a blog or an email, I will keep going until it's done, expending a great deal of mental energy and becoming engrossed for hours at a time sometimes. So sometimes, I prefer not to start. Research and writing are similar--the mental effort is considerable, the time commitment is significant, and there doesn't ever seem to be an ideal time to start. Truthfully, sewing is the same for me. When I start a project, I want to know that I can finish the project in a reasonable amount of time--a few days, usually. And that means from cutting out the fabric to pressing the finished item. If I leave something just slightly unfinished, I hate to go back to it. Doodle has a jumper without loops to hold the loose ends of the shoulder straps, and a dress that needs a hook-and-eye above the zipper to look "finished"--minor details, and not very time consuming, but if I haven't gotten the details finished with the rest of the garment, I don't want to go back. I would rather start something new. And if I put a project aside earlier--watch out!! I have to force myself, trick myself, reward myself with the prospect of starting the thing I really want to work on--or it never gets done.
Looking over this, it seems like I have a strange combination of procrastination, obsessive-compulsive tendencies, and perfectionism--the kind of crippling perfectionism that leads one to avoid starting the project for fear of being engrossed in details. I never completed an incomplete because I couldn't find the "perfect" topic to write about. I had set pretty high standards with another paper for the same professor, and didn't want to fall short. So I couldn't do it. The mental block was huge. I think I stopped writing poetry because I stopped thinking that my ideas were poem-worthy--I rather got out of that way of seeing the world.
I got over this to a degree with the dissertation. Remember Dori from Finding Nemo? She sang, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. . ." Eventually, I just had to force myself to keep writing, reminding myself that my mediocre writing was usually sufficient for the job I was trying to get done. Teaching has its built-in motivation, thank goodness. The students will keep coming, the semester continues to progress. I can't just stop and dread what needs to be done. Then there will be good days, and I will think, "How is it that I dreaded this so much?" I will go the library to do my archival research and return home excited by all of the ideas that I have had while reading and try to hold on to that enthusiasm until the next week. It's about rhythm, really. It's about routine. Like exercise. But I never can stick with it, somehow. . .
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