I've been thinking a lot about the nature of friendship lately, and how the concept of friendship should be regarded in terms of Catholicism. If there is a theology of friendship, it's not something I have come across yet. Friendship is certainly not a Sacrament, but it almost seems to me that it might have the quality of a sacramental, though it could be that that just sounds nice, since I'm not prepared to elaborate on it at this time.
My greatest friendship is, of course, my marriage. It seems natural, though not all people see marriage in that way. Interestingly, it is also the only friendship I have had in my life that I can consider truly successful. I attribute this, in part, to the fact that my husband and I are alike enough and different enough in the right ways for a really deep friendship to work. I don't doubt that it is possible to have love without this kind of friendship, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Otherwise, friends come and friends go. Sometimes they drift away naturally, sometimes there is something more explosive involved. Usually with the friends whom I consider to be closer, the end is more explosive.
With a friendship as consuming as my marriage, other friendships have been mostly matters of acquaintance. I have hesitated to call colleagues friends, for the most part, though this has altered as I have found more colleagues with more in common with me--family situation, in particular. Which brings up the question of on what bases friendships are built. Clearly, friends don't have to have any similarities. But it likely helps. Friends I knew in high school used to quote a line from the play Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead: "All we have in common is our situation." But is that truly enough?
Perhaps there needs to be some kind of mutual understanding. Or perhaps just the desire to be friends. An enjoyment of each others' company. But don't we have friends whose company we find agitating and antagonistic? What about concern for the other's well-being? Is that enough? And at what point, if any, should friends part ways? Like I said, it has always happened rather naturally for me--sometimes from mutual apathy, one might say. Other times from deep betrayal and hurt. Somehow, neither of these options feels particularly desirable from a Christian perspective. But does "loving one's neighbor" necessarily involve indissoluble bonds? Perhaps remaining true to such bonds teaches us about Christ. (Is that what I meant by friendship being a "sacramental"?)
Recently, Entropy and Kate have posted on different aspects of friendship, the former involving bloggers and the latter involving finding Catholic couples to hang out with. (Though I can no longer find Entropy's entry, I think that she was approaching some aspect of the post through a Catholic lens, even if it was through the lens of Catholic guilt--just kidding! At least, I think I'm just kidding. Unless I'm right. . .) I know that when I read Kate's post, I wondered about the Catholic connection--and the couples' connection. I've never thought specifically in terms of either. But it does kind of make me ponder the benefits--and possibly the additional responsibilities and constraints involved--in having or seeking Catholic friends in particular. Especially "like minded" Catholic friends.
I confess that this is a post of questions. I have no answers. But friendship has always been somewhat of a struggle for me, and I'm not sure if it has been because of some failing on my part or on the part of others. It is some of what made sense on that "personality quiz." (And the thing about being laid back--which I define loosely--until a vital principle is violated plays into this, too; friendships can easily be lost over such principles.) I take relationships very seriously, invest a lot emotionally in a very few friendships, and, well, this is not always considered a "healthy" state of things in the "real" world of post-Freudian pop-psychology. It made my life h*ll in high school, gotta tell you.
10 comments:
My thinking on friendship was shaped by reading C.S. Lewis's The Four Loves in high school. To me, real friendship, as opposed to mere acquaintance, is predicated on having interests in common -- "seeing the same truth", as Lewis said. I don't demand total overlap of interests (though I too feel I have a perfect friend in my husband), but there has to be some commonality on which to build a friendship. Otherwise two people just spend their time arguing about what's important, or just making basic conversation to pass time.
Read The Four Loves, if you haven't already. You'd like it.
As soon as I read all your questions, I remembered a really good essay in Crisis magazine a while back on friendship from a Catholic perspective. I think it addressed many of the points you raise.
At the time I read it, it was interesting; but didn't mean much to me. Still, perhaps it will strike a chord with you. "The Canons of Friendship" by Alice von Hildebrand
I am also the kind of person who has very few close friends. My best friends are my sister and my husband. I am still in contact with a handful of friends from college; but we're not nearly as close as we once we're. I've moved away, we've all moved to different stages in life. I have a fairly broad circle of acquaintances and there have been many people who have been friends for a season in my life; but those enduring friendships that last year in and year out without fading to a mere shadow of their former selves or breaking altogether are rare indeed.
You know, it seems to me that I have read part of The Four Loves, but I can't remember it. *blush* This is a nice point:
there has to be some commonality on which to build a friendship. Otherwise two people just spend their time arguing about what's important
Thanks for the link, Melanie! I enjoyed reading the essay. It seems a little *too* theoretical in parts, but overall is quite good--very thorough. It is the kind of thing that fits in so well with how most people experience life that it is difficult not to nod along. And yet I do get stuck a little at the end with forgiveness--what does forgiveness mean in friendship? Especially in the cases outlined in the essay in which the friendship is clearly dysfunctional? How often do we open ourselves to the same kind of hurt? Or can we forgive from a distance even if the friendship is lost? And what does it mean to "lose" a friendship (von Hildebrand rather assumes that friendships are an indissoluble bond, if I'm reading correctly). Anyway, this gives me more to think about! Thanks!
The Four Loves has been on my to be read list for a while now. I think I might have to bump it up.
"It seems a little *too* theoretical in parts." Yeah, that might have been why although I found it interesting it also left me a little cold. It's more a philosophy of friendship than a practical guide. Guess that's why I majored in lit and not philosophy. I liked Plato well enough because there were lots of stories, after that it got very abstract.
Anyway, glad to give you something to chew on.
Friendship is a weird thing. My mom always told me that in my whole life I'd be able to count my friends--true friends--on one hand. I used to think that was because true friends are rare. While that's true I think it's because it takes a lot of energy to be a true friend and you can't offer that to everyone. So you have to choose who you can give that to and them in return.
Getting to know these Catholic bloggers has been awesome for me. It is a relief to know people with the same worldview/background. My husband is my best friend also, as it should be, but our interests do not overlap very much. Yet, I think what has held us through, is that our core beliefs are the same about God and family and we're interested in each other.
I do not think that 'loving one's neighbor' involves indissoluble bonds. I think whatever bonds are forged can be broken by betrayal or just time. You don't take vows with friends though we should always be kind to others, even those we find trying.
Good questions.
Good answers! Thanks! :) I like your take on this.
I wrote a long and personal reflection on friendship on my blog after reading this. It was definitely too long to put in a comments box. :-)
Here's the summary though: I think that what makes friendship possible at all is commonality. Most of our friendships are at the level of everyday commonality - we do the same things, spend time in the same places, know the same people. Sometimes it's deeper than that and we share interests or passions. But the deepest friendships will be the ones with the most commonality on every level, especially the foundational levels of deep held belief. Those are the people you can wholeheartedly embrace and admire - the people you see living the life you are trying to live.
But friendships do die, usually because these commonalities change, sometimes just from neglect.
I don’t make friends easily, but when I do make a friend, they’re a friend for life. I have a really good friend from high school and another really good friend from college who I still keep in touch with. Both of them live in my area. I try to see them each at least once a month or so. It’s hard with a job and a child, though. Usually it’s kind of like going to confession – I intend to go every month, but then it stretches to two, then three… I admit I am not as close to either of them as I once was. I try, desperately, and fear growing apart. It’s sooooooo hard when you’re a mother and your friends are not. But I definitely intend to be friends with both of them for the rest of my life, even though we may not see each other as often depending on the circumstances in our lives.
I’m an introvert and I don’t need tons of friends, but at the same time just my husband would not be enough. I need two or three close girlfriends as well. I would love to have at least one more close girlfriend who is Catholic and a mother, since none of my friends have kids yet, but there is literally no one my age with kids in my area. Seems like they’re all at least 5-10 years older (I’m 27). Which I guess is ok – the older you get, the wider range of ages you can consider your peers, I have found.
At the same time, I don’t understand why some people think just because you and someone else both have kids you’ll automatically be friends. What if you have nothing else in common? It’s nice to have friends with kids, but that alone isn’t enough. The ideal would be if one of the friends I already have had kids.
My husband and I are very lucky in that we grew up in a large metropolitan area and nearly all our friends from high school and college stayed here, at least so far. We don’t go out as much as we used to now that we have a child, but we have frequent BBQs and other get-togethers at our place with our friends.
I tend to break down friends into 3 categories: close friends, friends and acquaintances (though I don’t really consider acquaintances friends). My “close friends” are the ones I share my deepest thoughts with. They include my husband and the aforementioned two girlfriends. I don’t think close friends can be more than two or three people at a time. My “friends” include the rest of the people from high school and college, the ones we will invite over for a BBQ or hang out with, and who I connect with on an intellectual level, but wouldn’t necessarily share my deepest thoughts with or connect with on an emotional level. My “acquaintances” are coworkers and others I am friendly with but wouldn’t necessarily hang out with outside of work, church or wherever I know them from.
I think it’s much harder to make friends after college. I’ve been out of college for 5 years and literally all my friends are people I met in high school or college. I’ve met tons of people these past 5 years, of all ages, between the 3 jobs I’ve had, the various temp jobs, the various writers groups I’ve tried out, the crisis pregnancy center where I volunteer, church, etc. But I don’t consider any of them friends. First of all, many are older – I haven’t met many 20-somethings like me. They all have their families and their own lives. My husband has made some friends at work, but I don’t find work conducive to making friends. I don’t have much in common with most of my coworkers. I actually don’t “click” with that many people, but when I do, I’ll be friends with them forever.
My husband is also my greatest friendship. I really don’t see how it’s possible to have a romantic relationship without also having a friendship.
Oh, and I agree with Kate that the deepest friendships will be the ones with whom you share your most deeply held beliefs. The vast majority of the people I’ve been close to in my life have been other serious Catholics.
I just realized that sounded like I've been close to tons of people - I really haven't. As someone said, I could probably count them on one hand.
I've been thinking a lot more about this, and about all of the comments, and I would really like to write another post on the topic, but I'm not sure I have time for that. Of course, this comment might turn into a post because I don't want to lose this thread yet...
Okay. It turned into a separate post. :P
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