A few months after my daughter (now 16 months) was born, I had her with me in my department, likely for a meeting with my dissertation adviser. A professor whom I had never met saw me, and, being an outgoing, friendly type, he proceeded to tell me about his daughter who was expecting, to tell me that two children is sufficient because that's one for each knee, and a number of other things that I have now forgotten. He asked me if I had any other children, and, as I responded affirmatively, he asked slyly, "They're not Irish twins, are they?" Now, I thought cluelessly, my husband is part Irish, but I'm not. Obviously, I had no idea what Irish twins are. Asked to explain, he informed me that Irish twins were siblings born within one year--which, of course, would be unlikely given the likelihood that impoverished Irish Catholics (he wasn't talking about Orangemen, after all) would be breastfed. A few minutes later, he repeated the joke for the benefit of my officemate, herself raised Catholic, and we agreed with good-natured disapproval that this was a thinly-veiled Catholic joke.
The joke evokes nineteenth-century immigrants with families of 5-12 children, overworked women, shabby brown clothing, tenement housing, clothes lines--you get the picture. So my question is, how do contemporary intellectual Catholic women deal with such a situation? Over the past couple of years, I have had at least three friends ask themselves this question in one way or another. All were working, one a Ph.D. student. Two were using NFP and one not. In these situations, "oops-s" or "what the heck" moments inevitably happen. So then what? One friend had been married for long enough that she could easily pass it off as "we've been trying" or "we were ready," or whatever. One friend decided that since she had been married for less than a year and people had just given her presents, she would ask not to have a baby shower.
This question comes to mind for a couple of reasons. First, well, people ask the most audacious questions! When I was pregnant last, the father of one of my son's friends from school saw us in Target, expressed surprise, and asked, "Were you trying, or was this a surprise?" One of the aforementioned friends remarked, as we discussed similar such remarks, "Do they realize that they're asking you whether you're having sex?"
O.K., so people are nosey. But it goes beyond that. In certain circles, it is just the unspoken rule that you should space your children according to your career goals. Hence, one female professor mentioning that her youngest was her "tenure baby," though it was unclear if he was the result of the celebrating, or her award for accomplishing the task! Within a year of my entering the M.A. program, one of my professors had her "last chance" baby, and two months after I had my daughter, my almost-adviser had her post-tenure baby. Others waited--and advised their grad students to wait--not until tenure, but until getting the tenure-track job. Recently, the female grad students in the department have decided that A.B.D. is a convenient time to have children, a decision I support wholeheartedly, obviously! But there is still somewhat of an unspoken consensus that children are to be spaced rather further apart that one to two years. While my "spacing"--a new baby with a 7-year-old--drew attention from a school dad (also a professional, incidently, but a professional father), spacing children every two years (considered ideal by those who are actively growing their families) is a professional faux pas. So what about Catholic professional/academic mothers?
Some, of course, believe that these terms are contradictory, and I could point you to the blogs to prove it. My friend who works at a Catholic high school has been condescendingly treated to the casual assumption that she would not be returning to work--EVER--by her colleagues for the last several months. But the role of Catholic women in the family is not my purpose for this post. Rather, I am embarrassed to admit that popular opinion is my concern.
Morality and Church teaching aside (though very much bound up with this post, as I hope is obvious), "accidents" are for teenagers, low-income households, minorities, and Catholics? All of these are stereotypes, but stereotypes which the average enlightened intellectual holds in the deep recesses of her politically correct heart. Just look at Amanda Marcotte.
This begs the question. . . Do married Catholic women really not belong in the workplace? This question is rhetorical. I do not expect an answer. Rather I am using the question to imply its answer--that of course married Catholic women belong in the workplace, if they so choose! So then, what about the "oops" factor? NFP "works," but people have different levels of resistance, and error and the Will of God are always factors! ;) Perhaps married Catholic females belong in the workplace to enlighten the masses, and should cling to the beatitudes for encouragement: that those who suffer mockery in the name of holiness will have their reward. But if asked, "You're pregnant again?" that's hardly an answer that will satisfy the average enlightened intellectual, provided the discussion occurs openly rather than in a series of sneers and snickers (yes, I am hard on my fellow academics). I have even encountered resistance to the motherhood-academic combination in Catholic academic circles (circles formed to discuss the intersection of faith and professional life!), so how much more should secular academics resist the Catholic academic's attempt to live her marriage faithfully, understanding its possible consequences (blessings)?
Large families and accidents--Catholic stereotypes both. Neither FEMLA, nor tenure procedures, nor enlightened liberalism allows for those realities. I don't know the answer, and I hate a cliff-hanger post. I further hate admitting that the sneering disturbs me. But it does. So while married professional women wait to reproduce until they reach their goals, what does the Catholic woman do? Stay home? Or not marry until after tenure/promotion?
7 comments:
My opinion of the matter has become that babies come when God intends them to come. You can "try" and not succeed, or you can have what some may call "an accident" at a time you least expected it. I think that what's most important is that people come to accept that child whenever he/she comes along(as most mothers do)and realize that if they cannot give this child a good life, adoption is an option. Of course I'd rather see a child raised by it's own mom, but I'll take adoption any day over these girls who use abortion as birth control.
And frankly, I hate it when people ask "oh, did you plan this baby?" Like you said, they're really asking "are you having sex?" Really kinda nervy when it comes down to it. It's really none of their business however the question is posed.
Great blog post...I enjoyed this one.
ahem...I meant I'd rather see a child raised by it's own mom AND dad...
I think that a lot of these questions come up with non-Catholic career women, as well. I've spaced my children two years apart, and I've been asked in jest, "Don't you know what causes that?" People have commented on how close in age my children are, and it always surprises me because in my family, two years is a typical, desirable spacing. People just love to comment on other people's reproduction, as if it is their business--but I must admit to having questioned the decisions of some of my family members to have children in the midst of poor financial circumstances. Since I have become a mother myself, my perspective has changed quite a bit, and I am not so quick to judge other people's reproductive decisions--it took me that long to figure out the obvious fact that it is a highly personal decision and not for me to judge at all. Part of it, I think, is the general cultural attitude that the public has some claim on pregnant (or potentially pregnant) women and have the right to comment on their choices. People will say things to pregnant women that they would never dream to say to anyone else, and questioning the spacing, which implies the question about sexual activity, is an example of one of those things.
I think that we need to realize that our goals may not be God's goals. So we need to use discernment in setting our professional goals and deciding how to achieve them. You may want to rise to the top of your profession and God may want you to be the mother of a large family. Or conversely, you may want marriage and children, while God is calling you to a single life. There is no one size fits all solution to how we should live our lives and we should not judge others decisions. But we need to remain open to God's plans and not get to attached to our own.
Anna
It may just be me, but I think that if God intends for someone to be "either" a mother (of a large family or not) "or" a career person, He would not give talents that can be used and so force that person into either second-guessing her own decisions and God's will (which is, after all, not something that is always revealed to us in a clear manner) or deciding to sacrifice herself completely to her fertility. It's just not something I can come to terms with, because I just don't see the two options as mutually exclusive. We do have free will, after all!
Other comments: Yes, people do have this idea that pregnancies are public domain! Why? Perhaps because the private actions of people's lives and the inner workings of the female body become visible--"written" so to speak.
I guess what might separate the circumstances I'm thinking of from Sarah's observations is that if religion is not involved, it is at least granted as a "choice" (although I have written elsewhere about what choices are validated by society and which are not...). If religion is involved, one is a slave to one's faith (hence, not rational) in public opinion. This is where the situation is unique to Catholicism (among mainstream religions). After all--no contraception. But whether or not religion is involved, if you have an "oops," you should have known better, for heaven's sake! Religion, rather than adding a plausible reason, adds to the impression of the naïveté. So if the woman in question is an intellectual, religious, and pregnant more frequently than what is considered the "norm," she is a walking contradiction, even if she can make it work!
I don't really have answers to your questions. But as a young Catholic unmarried grad student, I appreciate that you are asking them. I like Anna's comment about trying to reflect on God's goals.
It's hard to hear that voice sometimes, that's all. :)
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