Not so Bad After All. . .

FYI--Things have been going well on the 10-year old front through the weekend. I believe there might have been some misunderstanding and embarrassment making the disrespect seem worse than it was. So when my mother departs, we will discuss things further, but a lesser punishment (or an earlier reprieve) may be in order. However, the threat of present confiscation has produced a more conscientious child. Maybe he & I are okay after all! However, there have been lessons learned all around about how your words and actions influence how you are perceived as a person. And about balancing honesty with tact, for want of a better word!

Pre-Teen Discipline Strategies. . .

I've mentioned before that I've been having ten-year old trouble (and toddler trouble. . . in fact, I seem always to be complaining about something). It is escalating into almost 11-year old trouble. Not even the pre-Christmas threats seemed to make a temporary impression. Admittedly, we have had some special circumstances over the past several weeks. My brother has been staying with us until my mom could come back up from Louisiana, and they are 2 1/2 years apart. My brother also has rather a challenging personality. So they did tire of each other's company. But my son has adopted the attitude that he is better than everyone everywhere--an attitude he likely gets from his parents, both from our example and from messages we have given him. He is unkind to his sister, his uncle, and disrespectful to his parents and (especially) to my mother. This has me perplexed. I am a lot of things, but I always show respect to my mother and family and others' parents in particular. Basically, I am respectful to those whom I consider deserving of that respect, or to whom I am expected to show respect. I know, I've just incriminated myself. But I have always tried to teach him to be respectful. I have also always considered him very empathetic. Not so. In fact, he has very little regard for others' feelings, especially his sister's and my mother's. Now, my own siblings are very disrespectful towards my mother, but I have never been. I have, however, been honest--too honest, I now believe--with my critiques of teachers in particular. I felt like I should be honest with him about what I felt were their shortcomings so that he did not feel like teachers were always right. I have, in short, created a monster, and it is coming back to bite me. Perhaps I was too young to know the consequences of these child-rearing choices and attitudes towards others, though my intentions were good--I have mellowed in the past few years in particular, especially since becoming Catholic. But I am left with a problem child who can please when it suits him and he needs to put on a show--or at least that's how I feel, and what my mother thinks. There are certainly those who tell me that he is a good child. I have always wanted to believe that--and have been successful. After all, I have been defending his existence in my mind since he was conceived. But I am no longer sure. Yesterday, he acted and spoke to my mother--currently my house guest--in a way that suggested that he had an authority in my house that was above hers. And then, as damage control, he gave me a significantly slanted version of the story. In the process, he has lost all of his Christmas gifts, including his brand-new iPod Nano, his one big present. Christmas Eve I was lamenting his behavior and feeling unenthusiastic about giving him presents. He has disappointed me greatly, but my standards are high--not impossibly so, but high. I don't expect him to be any more than I was at his age: helpful, respectful, responsible, generous. I spent $61 on a fundraiser for orchestra in November so that he could get a free candle. I thought he would give it as a present. He did not. Heavily pregnant, I made a pair of pants for his Halloween costume in an afternoon. He expressed no gratitude. A few months ago, I was able to buy the one thing he wanted most for Christmas--a Nintendo Wii. I bought one on the spot when I happened upon them at Target. I kept it overnight and returned it the next morning. There were many reasons for the return--cost, not wanting fights over the television, thinking the living room was too small, dreading the toddler's frustrated attempts to play, not wanting to feed the obsession. But had he been better behaved these past few months, most of those things would have been overlooked. See? Santa doesn't give naughty children the same consideration. That iPod was a luxury, though, and I debated whether it was appropriate. It was at least more "serious."

I hate posting things like this, really. Such posts leave out the big picture. Unfortunately, the bad attitude has clouded my perception of a host of positives, including his near straight-A grades, his loving moments (which are only moments, and are select), and his occasional willing help (which is too infrequent), much as his arrogance about his cello-performance clouds (in my mind) his accomplishments (the line between pride and arrogance is painfully thin). I hope that all who read this, in particular the bloggers we will soon meet, do not judge him (or me) too harshly. I only post this now because of my proposed resolution. . .

Because this was a serious offense, we debated about punishment. Taking away treasured things or privileges for a set period of time (or indefinitely) is ineffective--he simply waits out the punishment with little attempt at reform. Guilt is temporarily effective. I hate to use the Church and Sacraments as a child-rearing crutch, though I was thinking that weekly confessions might not be out of order. What else is there? Well, I don't like the rhetorical strategy of saying, "I prayed for an answer," but, well, I did. I had already decided to take away the Christmas gifts, but for how long? And what would be accomplished besides causing hurt and resentment? I found a web page that suggested rewards for positive behavior. It sparked an idea: He will earn the return of the gifts--slowly, through acts of kindness, generosity, respect, responsibility, and reparation. I plan to make a chart listing the items and how many stars will be required to earn an item. At the end of the day, his efforts will be analyzed collectively, and stars may (or may not) be awarded. I do not anticipate a star every day. In this way, the items will be recovered through his own efforts, and the behavior might become habitual. Hopefully, the acts will be genuine--a real "turning away." Anyway, that is my theory. Any thoughts?

Family Dynamics

. . . are a complete mystery to me. And I sometimes wonder if they are influenced by heredity. Birth order has always been interesting to me as well. And I don't have to tell anyone that I was concerned about my own family dynamic--so far, so good, but time will tell. . . But as the oldest of 6 children, and the only one from a first marriage, I have found myself feeling, well, different the older we all get. I am also the only one married and with children, and I was born just about 6 years before my oldest sister, and 17 years before my youngest brother. So I have always been the responsible sister, not the fun sister. This is more awkward since I'm not taking care of everyone (well, maybe I took care of my 13-year-old brother for a little while recently, but it feels different since I'm not a teenager myself anymore. . .), and now that they are all old enough to "go out" and "hang out." *sigh*

Merry Christmas!

I'm 33 minutes late (sort of) and severely sleep deprived, but I wanted to wish everyone a happy and peaceful Christmas throughout the Christmas season! Wishing blessings to you & your families!

The Secret of the Universe

Evidently, it's getting up early. Who knew? Legions of morning people, apparently. So that's going to have to be the routine. :P

I am an evening person. My most productive hours for writing have traditionally been between 11 P.M. and 2 A.M. Even if I get up early, I can't go to bed before 11:30. In the mornings when my toddler was smaller, I would drop my husband off at work (one car) for somewhere between 8 and 8:30 (which required leaving the house between 7:45 and 8:15), then return home (most mornings) and climb in bed with her & snuggle. This was also her favorite time to nurse until after she was a year. The pattern (minus the nursing) remained constant while I was pregnant, and since the baby was born, I have not really had to get up; I merely relinquished the car. Since I allowed my permit to lapse, however, parking has been rather pricey for my husband, and we can't really afford that. Sleeping in is a hard habit to break. And yet. . .

This morning, I wasn't necessarily planning to get up & take the car. Yesterday I was planning on it, but my alarm clock (aka husband) didn't know the plan. I was also exhausted from a busy day on Tuesday. But this morning, Chiclette woke up to eat, and Doodle, who was in our bed after a Post-Nemo Traumatic Stress Nightmare (we have to be very careful what she watches or she wakes up yelling "Help! Help! Momma! Daddy!"--very sad) woke up, too. So I figured, what the heck? I knew it would be a challenge if Doodle fell asleep on the way home to get both babies in the house from the car, but I did it! Carrying a 35 lb. or so toddler with an infant car seat over one's arm is not the easiest thing in the word, but it is doable! That is something I was dreading, frankly. But I now realize that I can get both children in and out of the car by myself under various conditions. (Small triumphs)

So I got home with both babies asleep, put Doodle in her bed, took a bath, ate a PB & J, sorted clothes, started a batch, pinned a blanket front to the fleece back & stitched around the perimeter, and sewed two 4-square rows of a Christmas blanket (adult sized) that I'm making--all before Doodle & Chiclette woke up at around 10 A.M. Yay!! Now I'm ready for a nap. :P I can see this being a good time to work on the dissertation. I don't do intellectual activity well in the mornings, but that's what Limited Edition bottled Peppermint Mocha Frappuccinos (from SAM'S Club) are for!

So there you go. Most of you caught on to the Secret of the Universe before I did, but I generally have to be dragged kicking & screaming into these things. I'm still not completely happy about this, but at least Chiclette sleeps from 6-8 hours in a typical night! (So yes, it is possible for breast fed babies. She'll make up for it when she hits a year, I'm sure.)

Incidently, the Secret of the Universe for Toddlers is different, and consists of two words said often in rapid succession: "NO! MINE!!"

It's Getting Better All the Time. . .

Apologies if I've been lacking in the inspired post category lately. I did want to catch everyone (who is interested) up on the various dilemmas I've posted about. So far, no miraculous insights into toddler management, but incidents are becoming less frequent. She sometimes lets Daddy rock her for a nap and at bedtime, I wait until Chiclette has nursed for a good while to bring Doodle back to be rocked. Chiclette has reached a stage where she no longer nurses every 20 minutes or so and can be comforted by other means. She is even getting used to a pacifier (though we only use it occasionally). She is very easy to console. So for the 40 min or so it takes to get Doodle to go to sleep (she likes to be rocked & cuddled), Chiclette is generally content. (Yay!)

I also wanted to let everyone know that my mom is doing better, too. Circumstances are improving. She came to visit in October, then went back home a week or two before Chiclette arrived. She left, and left my brother (the 13-year-old) to stay with my sister. He has been with us for the past few weeks. Though the house is still without plumbing (no bathing, no flushing toilets--very bad) and in rather sad shape (she is confined to two rooms, the roof leaks badly in many places), she has hope of making progress towards resolving the legal issues that are currently preventing her from accessing the insurance money and money from The Road Home. The Road Home people have been helpful with resolving legal issues. In addition, though she lost her job with Starbucks job because of missed work due to health issues and from staying out of town too long to bail my sister out of an unfortunate roommate situation, it was on good terms, the health issues seem to have improved some, and other work has surfaced. Specifically, she has been working for and with a photographer friend on shoots, printing, office work. . . all manner of jobs. She is paid well, sometimes in advance, allowing her her to catch up on house notes. Hours are not fixed. It is pretty much ideal. In addition, she has been making and selling jewelry--an ongoing business for several years now that has been doing well recently, as she has added new pieces, including religious themed items. She has unfortunately had some reminders that New Orleans is even less safe than before. . . Today, for example, someone shot at her from the levee and hit the car she was driving, just inches from the window. But overall, things seem to be improving, though still far from ideal. I wanted to take some time to thank those who wished her well and sent prayers. Thank you!!

Good News for Next Semester! and Thoughts on Answered Prayers...

I found out yesterday that because one of the goals for the department is to lower writing courses (Intro to Lit included) to only 21 students, and because this involves making sure all open sections are as full as possible, my course has been canceled. Instead of teaching, I was offered a position working in an administrative office with revisions to Intro to Lit. Yay!! Not only do I enjoy the course design aspect of teaching, I will be able to do most of my work from home (a mixed blessing, but more good than not), with as little as 2 hours/week in the office.

I'm not very good at waxing poetic about blessings and answered prayers, mainly because I've always kind of felt that it was arrogant to suggest that something happened as a result of prayer. Some people do manage to make it a matter of arrogance; they were just so darned holy that everything they asked for--the promotion, the new car, the great sale on designer shoes--was provided by God specifically for them. I met a lot of these people at various churches I attended when I was young, and it left a bad impression. I developed the idea that humility (though I didn't have a name for it) involved thinking oneself too small to merit such favors. I wasn't thinking about that one lost sheep, I guess. That insecurity of faith (which I guess is the best way to characterize it) is a hard habit to break. I also don't want to fall into what I still see is a kind of arrogance. And yet I can't deny that this is an answer to my prayers of late. I just didn't know how I was going to make it work--the teaching, the family. . . My prayers have been of the "You have given me my family, and allowed me to pursue this career. Show me what you have in store for me--how I am to make this work, or what my alternatives are. . ." variety. Well, this certainly feels like an answer to that. At times, as well, my prayers have focused more specifically on what next semester would hold. This is a subtle reminder for me to trust in God, a topic I have been reading about on Et-Tu, Jen? She speaks directly to my persistent anxiety.

What I wonder is, after being in the habit of relying solely on oneself for so long, how even to contemplate turning it all over to God. Though I called myself a Christian (of sorts) for most of my life, this was a concept that was alien to me. Now I find I am called to that kind of trust. I think this is more characteristically Catholic than Protestant, especially as family is concerned (though not exclusively). I sense a long journey ahead, but lessons like this one certainly ease the way!

Some things I do like about Christmas trees. . .

Just so that no one thinks I'm a total stick-in-the-mud. . .

1) The finished product

2) The star my husband ordered for us the first year we were married3) Ornaments my son made every year as presents at his Montessori school (we have 3 similar to this one and a felt gingerbread face pillow he made in kindergarten!)
4) Snowflakes crocheted by my grandmother

(note the chili pepper in the upper part of the previous frame--we collect chili pepper ornaments!)

5) Candid photo opportunities!

Why I don't like Christmas trees

1) Choosing the perfect one

2) Wires

3) Bare spots

4) Perfectionism (mine or other peoples')

5) Fragile ornaments

6) Already overcrowded apartments

7) Tree stands

8) Frustration (mine or other peoples')

9) Undecorating

10) $$$$$

Toddler Trauma, or Toddler Testing??

For the past few weeks, my toddler, whom we might call "Doodlebug" or "Doodle" has developed a new preference at bedtime. While I was pregnant, my husband almost always rocked her to sleep at night, especially during the latter months. If she expressed a preference for me, it was rare, and if I did not comply, she was generally not too worked up about it. This has changed, however. Instead, she wants me to rock her to sleep every night, on pain of wails, sobs, and generally uncontrollable crying. The problem? Without fail, the Moosette wakes up crying, needing to be fed or needing to be pacified in a way that only Momma can, just as Big Sister-doodle is settling into Momma's lap. Momma has dealt with this in a couple of different ways. A couple of times, Moosette & Doodle have snuggled into Momma's lap together, which Big Sister doesn't mind at all, but this poses a problem when little sister wants to nurse--the logistics are all wrong. Also, the Moosette has grown in the past couple of weeks, and Doodle is much more likely to get feet in her face than she was initially, which doesn't bother her, but isn't conducive to sleep, either! Letting Moosette cry a bit isn't an option, because Doodle takes too long to go to sleep. And again, the crying Moosette keeps Big Sister awake, either from concern or noise. Handing Doodle off to Daddy is a common "solution," but generally results in several minutes of very sad, very loud crying. This does nothing for Daddy's ego. She may be moving toward just lying in her bed to sleep at naptime, but not at night. The way I see it, one of the girls feels brushed aside whatever I do. I'm contemplating letting Moosette take a bottle while Sister is rocked, at least a couple of nights a week, or putting Doodle to bed as soon as Moosette eats, whenever that may be. Of course, Moosette likes marathon nursing sessions at night, too.

Incidently, the problem is worse when Doodle has had a shorter-than-usual nap. . .

Now, this could be simple toddler manipulation, but I doubt it. Ever since I came back from the hospital (where I stayed 2 nights while Moosette was observed for possible infection--a precaution), Doodle has awakened in the night crying for me. She had nightmares in the past, but did not specifically call out "Momma" or "Mommy." So I'm wondering if she latches on to me at night because she's afraid of my leaving in the night again. My other thought is that, while she is very patient and understanding when I care for the baby throughout the day, she sees bedtime and naptime as two times when I should be hers unconditionally. She has motioned for me to give the baby to Daddy (tried to move her there!) and tonight, when I walked in to the bedroom to relieve Daddy of screaming toddler duty, she looked in my arms and said with dismay, "A Baby!" (Other times she will wake up from her nap and look in the baby's bed and say, "Where's baby?" with equal distress, fearing that the baby is missing if she is not there, especially if the baby is crying.) It certainly makes sense that she would want Momma & Doodle time. It is an emotionally draining challenge that ends the day in the Literacy-chic household.

Babies In and Out of the Womb

I read the Q & A below (only the beginning of the answer) on the web page for Mothering Magazine, here. I find that it raises some interesting points about the personhood of the infant in the womb--or, rather, it indicates a latent assumption that the infant in the womb is indeed a person, something that much pregnancy literature does--while at the same time suggesting that the infant outside of the womb is still so closely linked to the mother that they remain a single unity--suggesting a continuity with the existence in the womb. This is the language of carrying and bearing children, but there are actual pieces of evidence alluded to (though not cited) that support this claim. They can be contradicted, of course, with and without evidence, but they ring so true! I often wonder how these things can be denied.

When I was in the hospital (a Catholic hospital run by a religious order) and my husband and baby were in the room, too, a member of the order entered my room unannounced, asking if we were Mr. and Mrs. Hernandez. We were not. So she went over to the little clear bassinet and admired the baby, giving her a blessing, and then said with a sigh that these little ones are so precious, it is hard to imagine that anyone could want to harm or kill them. I wondered what specifically was on her mind. It was kind of a surreal moment, and comes back to me sometimes, especially when I read horrible news stories about children being killed by their parents, or when I read things like this that stress the connection between mother and unborn/newborn child (do note how the author of the response gently corrects the term "abandoned"):

I have two questions that may be seen as sides of the same coin: how does being abandoned as an infant effect the emotional growth and stability of a person? What are the lasting repercussions on a single mother, or father, who chose not to raise their child, and hence, gave their baby away?

When you say "abandoned," I'm going to assume that you mean, "How does it affect an infant to be permanently separated from his biological mother?" (Usually in this situation the infant isn't technically "abandoned"—as in the fairy tales of babies left alone in the woods—but has other caring adults around to care for him.) Certainly a newborn already has a potent connection to his birth mother at birth; we know this from lots of research into fetal learning, etc. And there is an actual biological process already in place for laying down important circuitry in the brain of the baby (and of the mother, too!) in the hours and days following birth. So when this process is disrupted by separation (for adoption, but even for the shorter periods virtually mandated by standard hospital protocol, to "clean the baby up," and do all the other unnecessary things like pricking, prodding and testing), the baby does suffer at a psycho-biological level (as does the mother.) The cascade of pleasure hormones (including oxytocin, the "hormone of love") that nature designed to make mom and baby enraptured with each other when they remain in skin-to-skin contact in the hours following birth may also play an important part in establishing lifelong "set-points" for feeling pleasure, satisfaction, and contentment. But when separated, and this does not occur, levels of cortisol (stress hormone) rise in the baby's blood, which—depending upon variables such as the infant's temperament and upon any protective factors in the baby's environment—can impact the level of growth hormone and even negatively impact immune function. (As an adopted infant, I contracted pneumonia as a six-month-old—definitely not normal!!) This kind of cascade of stress hormones (especially when it is happening instead of the cascade of pleasure hormones) is suspected to contribute to the baby growing up with a decreased tolerance for stress. And though there may be other caring adults around, we do know that newborns know who their biological mothers are, and who they are not—via pheromones, voice quality, heartbeat, "vibe"—and it is their mothers they want, and need. In fact, from the newborn's perspective, he or she is not differentiated from the mother: they are a mother/baby dyad, at the levels of neurobiology and physiology—a single unit. So for a baby to be made prematurely "an individual" in his or her earliest hours, days or even months does indeed present a challenge for that individual's future growth and stability.

What do you think?

(Read the whole answer, it's well worth it!)

Status Update with Random Thoughts

Things have been going well lately, but though I've wanted to sit down & blog (or at least answer comments from previous posts!) I can't seem to manage a whole post. I've got some partial ones saved, but that doesn't count. In fact, a bulleted list of random thoughts about things that have happened lately is more my speed right now, so here goes. . .

• A thought to add to Sarah's 40 reasons to have kids: Holidays are more fun when you have young children whose innocent delight reminds you of how to enjoy the trappings of the holiday!
• I have finally had success with a baby carrier! A pouch sling that I made from the directions on this web site. So now I want to make more for myself!!
• Things have been going much more smoothly with the toddler. She seems better able to understand what we want, and we are more able to communicate to her. Perhaps a breakthrough? (She's so sweet, I hate to sound as if she's trouble, and I hate to see her cry in anger, hurt, or frustration.) :(
• Newborn screenings are a pain. My baby has tested positive at the 2 week screening for a rare enzyme deficiency that only occurs in 1/60,000 infants. Yeah. She tested positive--along with 3 other 2-week-olds tested on the same afternoon at the same pediatric department at the same health insurance run clinic. Can we say lab error? Can we also say 4 sets of stressed parents??? Waiting for results from the retest. :(
  
• I did have some thoughts on discipline, but I have lost them now that things are better on that front. My brain can only hold one or two things at a time these days.
  
• My toddler is peeling off the little stickers on the back of breast pads and spreading the pads across the floor, but I'm nursing and can't stop her. And you know what? I don't care even a little! ;)
  
• Someone once told me that if you pray for patience (for example), God may not give you patience so much as the opportunity to exercise and so develop patience. I've thought about that a lot lately, like yesterday, when my toddler was trying to pour herself a cup of water out of the 1/4 full gallon jug. I went over to help her just as she inverted the jug, pouring water on the table, herself, and the floor. It was one of those slow-motion moments when you just can't seem to do anything. Soon, the gallon was empty, and she said, "Uh oh! Rain!" I laughed, sighed, and cleaned it up.
• Yesterday I managed to put both babies to sleep all by myself! Today, I managed to bathe & get dressed while they were both sleeping. Now, if I could only manage those two tasks on the same day. . .
• Another thing that having babies does is this: Children help their parents analyze and develop how they practice their faith (that is, when they aren't disrupting said practice of the Faith by driving the parents to distraction in Mass!!!) ;) In the coming weeks, we will begin planning for the baby's baptism. A thought that occurred to me is that, while I feel competent enough to teach my children the ins and outs of the practice of Catholicism, where I feel I am lacking is the ability to teach the love and awe--of the Church, of the Church as the Bride of Christ and of the Church as representative of the Body of Christ-- basically, awe and love of God through awe and love of the Faith that unites us. Is this something parents can teach? Likely. I frequently take lessons from Melanie and Bella (such as this one, and this one, and this one). I don't believe it has to be taught, but how wonderful if we could give something like that to our children! And if it begins growing in early childhood, hopefully the child will always have that as an anchor. But I don't know how to teach it. It is at these times that I realize that I am still new at this, and wonder where to go from here. . .
• I love Advent!! I love the decorations, the readings, the music--especially "O Come O Come Emmanuel," which I had never heard before I became Catholic. It is the time of the liturgical year when I most feel the awe and love--of God and the Church--that I mention above.
  

Hope to post more in coming days, if I can. I think the prospect of a unified post intimidates me lately, so I may stick with the bullet format.