Not physically, don't worry. . . But I worry constantly, as I have from the beginning, that for her to have an additional sibling so young will be damaging to her emotionally. I imagine her feeling brushed aside, resenting the new baby, wanting my attention all the more when the new one arrives. She will be a month over 2 yrs, mas o menos.
The anxiety has waxed and waned over the past 5 1/2 months or so, but is peaking. She has become extremely clingy--wanting me and only me when we are home--especially over the past few weeks. Now, we have moved recently. I don't know if that has anything to do with it. Also, rather than teaching only twice a week like I did in the spring and fall, I am teaching every day--delayed separation anxiety?? She has never been so clingy. She sometimes grabs my legs and repeats "momma, momma" or the more recent "mommy, mommy" and won't let me move. She frequently shoos my husband away when he tries to rock her to sleep--a very recent development!!--or even when he tries holding her! This is, of course, worse when she is cranky. Tonight, she made herself gag and choke--very, very scary--from crying when my husband took her off of my lap (under protest) to rock her to sleep! (They didn't get very far, and even when I took her, she had a difficult time regaining her composure.) Granted, she was crankier than usual around nap and meal times, but this is very disturbing behavior. I am seriously concerned about the trauma that a 2-3 day (depending on the length of labor) will cause her in October/November. Especially since we may not have any relatives left in town by then to watch her! Just one more thing to worry about. I think I had just read about a woman who had an extended hospital stay because of postpartum psychosis and the affect it had on her older daughter when I had the "fatal bee sting" dream I mentioned earlier. I guess it's good that I have 3 1/2 or so months to deal with this because I just can't handle it right now.
An interesting thing is that, though she has been weaned completely for 3 months or so, she still seems to remember nursing, and in recent--well, days, actually--she has been increasing nuzzling, lifting my shirt, and other behavior that suggests a desire to nurse. Not that she really remembers what to do, mind you. . . I dread seeing how she will react when the new baby nurses. It can only be a sticky situation that I certainly won't want to face as I'm facing the already-difficult first weeks of nursing a newborn!! But I can't possibly not nurse the new one. Such an omission would be a clear act of neglect as compared to the previous 2. I already fear not being as attentive to #3 as I was/have been to #1 and #2.
My daughter has a beautiful personality, but is becoming increasingly willful and throws increasingly violent tantrums. Could she possibly tell that something's up? We have talked about a new baby, could she be anxious? Is she picking up on my anxiety? She has been the center of my anxieties since she was conceived--perhaps because she was the one we really "tried" for. It's odd. . . It's as if I've got more emotionally invested in her, though when I think back to how I felt about my first, that's not really true, of course. The difference is not quantitative--it's not a question of feeling more, but of feeling different(ly). And yet I somehow fear that I do--and will--feel less for the new one. But I tell myself that it can't be, because she (?), too, (the new one) will be my baby.
Perhaps I should stop thinking about it and go read some more horrible news stories. Or write a dissertation. Or grade papers. Or put the daughter in her bed, as she's been sleeping on my lap since a few minutes after the gagging on saliva incident. . .
9 comments:
It is scary when they cry hard enough to choke. The move definitely has something to do with this. We have moved several times since our son (now 9) was born and I have noticed that the younger children are always more clingy after a move. They also tend to regress a bit in things like weaning, sleeping through the night etc.
As far as your daughter being damaged emotionally by having a sibling so close in age, all I can say is that I was 20 months old when my brother was born and we have always been good friends. I definitely was not damaged, emotionally or otherwise, by having a sibling so young. I hope that helps.
Anna
Thanks, Anna. You know, I should know better than fear the close sibling thing--I have 4 who were more or less 2 years apart (often less). It just strikes me that this little one needs more somehow. And the close sibling relationships did not always work out well in my family. Or maybe it's just my anxiety being projected onto her. Very likely.
Our first two were only sixteen months apart, so number one doesn't really remember life without number two at all. She took to the baby from day one.
In addition, the other thing you may be running into is simply the two-year-old personality crisis. It seems like ours (the two who have hit that ago so far) have always gone through all sorts of weird tempermental stages between about 18mo and 3yrs. That seems to be the age when they start really grappling with desires and emotions but having no idea what to do with them (or how to express them) yet.
It seems like things don't entirely settle down until they hit the point where they can talk/complain/shout about their problems instead of just being oddly mooding -- which happens at some point before age four, but it's hard to say when.
I'd agree that the moving probably has a lot to do with the clinginess, and she might be reacting to you working more - or the combination of the two. She may or may not react well when the baby comes home, but she'll adjust.
My sister did a lot of reading when she started having children, and her reading convinced her that the best spacing, both for mom and for sibling relations, is 2-3 years. Kids that small are still pretty flexible, and it won't take too long before the new baby is just someone whose 'always been there' from your toddler's point of view.
In my family, we were all two years or so apart until the last two, and the worst sibling relationship was always the 4.5 year gap, not any of the 2 year gaps. At 4, I was old enough to really resent being displaced as the youngest, and my sister and I weren't close enough in age to ever have anything in common until I left home. Now we're close, but I think I'll try to have mine closer together than that.
Thanks, Kate and Darwin. I had heard that 18-24 months apart was supposed to be ideal, I guess I just didn't believe it. It does seem like kid of a individualized thing depending on the child. And my son had so much time with "just us" that I felt bad from the beginning that my daughter was being deprived of that. It was when he was in kindergarten that he started asking for siblings.
In my family, we were 5 yrs. apart, then the next 3 at 2 years apart, then 18 months apart, then 6 years. Come to think of it, the closest relationship was probably between my brother & sister who were 18 months apart. But its so hard to say sometimes whether birth order & spacing influenced whether the personalities clashed, or whether the personalities themselves made the difference. Hmmm...
Darwin's comment made me think of something else that I probably should have remembered from having 3 sisters--Critter #2 is a girl (like Darwin's 3)! Which is likely a part of why I don't remember my son acting like this. I've heard that boys are more easygoing. I wonder if I'm seeing some of that? I do think that the move and my work week are contributing factors, but it could be that the 2s are so long ago, and so different with this little one that what I thought was the 2-year-old thing starting was only a prelude. That thought is encouraging & scary at the same time! At any rate, I do feel a bit better. :)
They all have different personalities, boy or girl. Even another boy would have different ways of coping than your first-born. We've moved a lot in the last year, and my son takes it hard every time - loses vocabulary, regresses in his sleep patterns, clings a lot.
Btw, Gui (my son) was weaned at 22 months, and a couple of months later developed a funny interest in my belly. He likes to stick his hands up my shirts and rub my belly, or pull my shirt up and lie his head on my belly, and I think it reminds him of or reproduces for him the comforting secure intimacy of nursing. I just laugh, because we're hoping to have another child sometime in the next year, and its gonna be fun seeing his reaction as my belly changes. :-D
My daughter is also interested in my belly--and it IS changing!! It is rather funny. Not so much when she butts into it or flops herself down on me... :D
Everyone else has already said most of what I was thinking, so I'll just respond to the anxiety of caring less about the new one. I felt that anxiety for a long time while I was pregnant. I knew I would love the baby, but I felt like I had to put a lot of effort into being excited about the pregnancy and baby preparation. Every time I went shopping for the new baby, I would buy something for the firstborn instead. I thought much more about how I would take care of my toddler when the baby arrived than how I would manage caring for a newborn with another child running around. During my pregnancy I didn't feel as bonded with the second as I did when I was pregnant with the first. But that changed pretty much as soon as the baby was born. I feel just as strongly for the baby and still worry just as much about the toddler. The problem really seemed to solve itself--but not until the baby was in my arms.
And I agree with Darwin that two-year-olds are just "that way." They are crazy little time-bombs of emotion and you never know which one is going to blow up at you. She probably is picking up on some of your anxiety, but even if she weren't she would still be moody and clingy and defiant a lot of the time. It must be hard to be two.
Thanks, Sarah. That makes me feel better. Part of it is, too, that I really can't buy anything else for the new one--just a going-home outfit, which I think is important. I've got too much stuff already. But the "stuff" isn't that important. I've read about other mothers who couldn't "bond," and I felt like I was getting hung up on the "unplanned" thing (unexpected, that is), as so may do. But your example shows that even if a baby is "planned," anticipated, etc., you can still have the same anxieties. Thanks so much!
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