Well, I feel the need to post this now rather than tomorrow, as I had intended, because for some reason, the original post was removed! We had just finished a lively exchange over at Sphere of Influence that I linked to the other day. . .
The following questions were posted by Angela Messenger on the same day I posted my So What Do Good Catholic Women Do? post. She asks "What Makes a Woman a Good Catholic Mom?
1. Is it a woman who has 10 children? Or 8? Or 6? Or 2?
2. Is it a married woman who stays at home? Should she work? In a "career" or a "job."?
3. Does a good Catholic mom pursue her dreams of further education for herself while her children are still at home? Or should she put her own ambitions aside to raise her kids?
4. Does a good Catholic mom take her kids to weekday Mass as well as Sunday Mass? Does a good Catholic mom let the kids have one weekend "off" from Mass a month?
5. Does a good Catholic mom use any kind of birth control?
6. Does a good Catholic mom home-school or send the kids to parochial school or can/should they go to public school?
7. Does a good Catholic mom defer to her husband as the head of the house? Is she obedient to him?
8. If a Catholic mom is divorced and has received a decree of nullity should she be able to date?
9. Should Catholic moms volunteer in lay ministry, teaching catechism, leading adult bible study or a prayer group or should she be looking after her kids?
Just some points to ponder. I don't expect an answer to each question like this is a quiz. Just trying to put my finger on the pulse of Catholic motherhood.
The thing is, these can be answered according to opinion, or according to the catechism. But since I'm on kind of a roll today, here are my answers:
1. Family size is a very personal thing, even for a Catholic woman. It depends on what the married couple feels is advisable given their own set of circumstances. While the Church teaches that married couples should be "open to life," it does not prescribe what that means. It is possible that the needs of one child, or the ability of the parents to care for the child or children, might dictate the need to refrain from having a large number of children. The guidelines, as I understand it, are to determine family size according to generosity, but also to be sensible in what the family can support emotionally and financially.
2. Well, I think we all know pretty well what I have to say about motherhood excluding a career.
3. There is no reason that any mother--Catholic or not--should refrain from pursuing her own educational goals. A well-educated mother can only benefit her family and her children. In addition, it is counterproductive for any Catholic to suggest that a mother must refrain from educating herself for the benefit of her children, as this contributes to the "motherhood as self-defeating" and "motherhood as self-negating" principle (รก la Kate Chopin) that feminists latch onto in order to justify such things as elective abortions. If motherhood prevents women from achieving self-realization through education and developing her intellect, then why should it be valued as a role for women? In order to combat that thinking, we need to combat what leads to that thinking. Had I stopped my education when I became pregnant with my son, I still would not have completed my B.A. Had I not continued my education, I would very likely not be Catholic now. So what kind of Catholic mother would I be?
4. If the family is able to attend daily Mass, that is wonderful. Some parishes' Mass schedules are a bit prohibitive, and I've already discussed squirmy toddler issues! But please--letting the kids have the weekend off from Mass? Yes, let's teach them to disrespect the seriousness of the Mass and the Church's requirement that every Baptized Catholic attend every Sunday, so that we can wonder why they stop going to Mass in high school or college!
5. See Humanae Vitae.
6. Educational choices depend so much on the schools available in the area where the family lives. I think that parochial schools should be considered, but if unacceptable for educational or religious reasons, there is no reason that a good public school can not be acceptable, as long as the correct religious education is also provided. (See a future posting for my ideas about homeschooling.)
7. A good Catholic family is composed of a husband and wife who have mutual respect for one another. I can't imagine any situation in which a wife should "obey" her husband against her better judgment, and if the two respect each others' intelligence and judgment, there should be no question of "deferment"; rather, both parents should be able to guide the family through mutual understanding.
8. I think that if an annulment is granted, whether or not to date is a personal decision. The children should not be permitted to manipulate the mother through guilt, but neither should the children be subjected to undue stress. Basically, the same cautions would apply to this case in terms of the children's well-being as are typically advised in a divorce situation. Otherwise, she should conduct herself as morally and discreetly as any Catholic single dating.
9. All Catholics, as I understand it, are called to volunteer their time to the Church insofar as they are able. Some family situations allow for this more than others, and I don't think that anyone would say that it should cause the mother or family undue inconvenience to volunteer. I have seen the argument that children can be involved in the volunteering and should be taught about volunteering, but that does depend on the number and ages of the children. If a mother has to enroll her children in daycare in order to volunteer, is that in the right spirit of Catholic volunteering or Catholic motherhood? Similarly, if she leaves as soon as her husband comes home in order to volunteer with her parish, is this in the best interest of her family as a whole? Again, this varies greatly depending on the dynamic within a family.
So essentially, my conclusions from my last post remain more or less unchanged, with some more specific provisions. We are called to discern, as Catholic women and Catholic mothers, how we can best care for our families and respond to God's will in our lives. As long as we do so faithfully, we are being "good Catholic mothers."
11 comments:
Good questions and answers.
I would defer to my husband if we were at an impasse. I might not do it joyfully but I would probably do it. :)
I agree with you that the children and family will only benefit from a mother continuing her education (but not formally, necessarily). I chose to stay home and not finish my formal education (I quit college after two years, but not because of anyone, just my own stupid choices). I choose not to go back because, right now, I feel like my place is here at home raising my kids. I want and like to be here with them. We homeschool because we feel it's best for our family but we haven't excluded the possibility of parochial or public schools.
Can a Catholic mother work and still be a good mother? Sure. Can a Catholic mother stay home and educate her children while continuing to educate herself? I believe so.
I wish that some people didn't assume that you aren't still educating yourself just because you're home. There is a feeling sometimes of animosity between working mothers and stay-at-home mothers that I wish wasn't there. You've made your decisions as faithfully as you can and so have I. I hate the term "you're ok, I'm ok" but it pretty much applies here, I think.
I respect you for what you are doing for your family even as it's not what I've chosen for mine.
On this and the previous: I think it's important to try to keep an eye on what's a matter of substance and what's a matter of style.
Clearly, it's a substantial to good Catholic parenthood to take responsibility for the intellectual and spiritual formation of your children, but whether that is accomplished through homeschooling or traditional schooling; and whether you go to daily mass or not and things like that are particular styles of achieving that end.
Similary, it's substantial to Catholic motherhood that a woman both grow in intellect and faith herself and also provide a nurturing and educating influence on her children, but whether this is done through being a stay at home mom and whether education is accomplished via further formal education or self education is a matter or style. (I do tend to think that it's generally important that at least one of the parents not be working outside the home 10+ hours a day, but then, not all careers involve as much sitting in an office time as mine does...)
I think because there are a lot of elements of common conservative Catholic blogger cultural style, it's easy to confuse style and substance and give certain styles of addressing a particular need some sort of divinely appointed authority that they do not in fact have.
Entropy,
I wish that some people didn't assume that you aren't still educating yourself just because you're home.
Oh, absolutely! I may cover some of this in an upcoming homeschool post. I know that my mother pursued many interests (in spite of a terrible marital situation) while raising her children at home, before deciding to go back for her B.A.
Interestingly, this is not a question I would have thought of on my own.
I may have fallen into the error you mention at one point, simply because I have known some air-headed moms around here who stay at home to shop & go to the country club. But I've found so many smart bloggers who stay at home & yet clearly read more than I do and are always in pursuit of new things!
Darwin,
You're really good at classifying things for clarification purposes. I wish I could use this as an example for my class when I try to explain what "classification" and "division" can add to a paper. I really like the distinction between "substance" and "style." It's what I was reaching for when I talked about the "social" influences on how Catholicism is practiced in a particular area. Because staying home is a privilege and sign of economic prosperity in some areas in Texas, for example, this flavors whether Catholic moms think other Catholic moms should be staying at home or working--and then it becomes a matter of moral choice. This is not something you'd find in New Orleans, however. I think culture influences "style" a great deal. What disturbs me is how much intolerance for other "styles" I find among Catholics on the net. I have gone from considering myself on the conservative end of the Catholic spectrum among people I know, to being on the rather liberal side of the still-orthodox Catholic spectrum among Catholic bloggers, and I'm still reeling from the shock!
(I do tend to think that it's generally important that at least one of the parents not be working outside the home 10+ hours a day, but then, not all careers involve as much sitting in an office time as mine does...)
Yeah, I have to agree with you here. But then, I think of "career" in terms of academia, where hours are flexible and there's a lot of opportunity for working at home. I teach twice a week and hold office hours before class, which means I'm out of the house for about 3 hours a day twice a week. This will increase when I graduate, of course, but I hope to have a fairly sane course load.
I also don't like the idea of putting my own children in daycare before the age to 2 years--you know, when they're able to actually play. But I realize that other people do not feel this way, too!
People tend to build up a lot of identity around things that they feel like they've sacrificed a lot to do. Many Catholic families that have decided to pursue a single breadwinner lifestyle and have 6+ kids have given up a _lot_ of what they see other people having in order to do that. (Almost everyone else on my team at work comes from a household with two incomes the size of mine, and 0-1 kids -- massive lifestyle difference there.)
I think because many people with single incomes and lots of kids feel like they're giving up a lot in order to pursue that (and chose to pursue it in order to live in tune with Catholic teaching) they have a certain tendency to make the jump to thinking that there are no good (as in moral and non-selfish) reasons to pursue any other way of life.
You, on the other hand, know all the sacrifices that you're making in order to pursue a vocation in academia.
You're really good at classifying things for clarification purposes. I wish I could use this as an example for my class when I try to explain what "classification" and "division" can add to a paper.
Thanks. :-) (Seems like a philosophy prof of mine once said: "Whenever you're cornered, make a distinction." I play that one to the hilt.)
Maybe one of these I can figure out some way to make a mint writing one of those best sellers that executives put on their shelves and seldom read (like _10 Management Lessons From Peter The Great & Ivan the Terrible_) called "Managing From Plato's Cave: How to Make Distinctions and Influence People".
Awkward Conclusions?
So have we concluded that good Catholic women should persue their educational and career goals...as long as those goals don't take up more than 10 hours a day? That almost seems contradictory to me? And, have we also concluded that good Catholic women can pursue said educational and career goals but must be willing to put re-prioritize those goals when baby comes along...a baby, by the way, that a good married Catholic woman really had no real choice in avoiding? Gee...I'm beginning to think I belong to the wrong Church. Where are the good Catholic men in the meantime? Do they flog themselves over questions like these as much as we do?
-C
-C
Gee, C, I don't see anyone here saying that it can't be the husband whose job is less than 10 hours a day! Do note Darwin's phrase "at least one of the parents"! You know that A & I have alternated quite a bit. It goes back to that negotiating with your spouse about what's right in your given situation.
P.S.-10 hours/day adds up to a 50 hour work week--much more than full-time. So perhaps being a lawyer is out. But there are plenty of careers that require less than 50 hour work weeks.
For a lot of corporate office park dwellers (speaking for myself here) there's at least an expectation that you'll be around 50 hours a week, even if you're not actually working all that time. Generally, need to show up at your desk by 8:30 to avoid being thought of as lazy (and 8:00 is better) and leaving before 5:30 to 6:00 shows a definately lack of commitment.
On the one hand, you can get away with blowing time at the company gym or going to lunch or surfing the net while different processing run (or in dull meetings) but on the flip side you're generally expected to log in from home for intermittant email checks through the evening.
I'd tend to say in the Marketing and Finance areas I know about, 50 is pretty standard as a medium to minimum amount for a serious wage earner.
In that sense, I can't really imagine both me and my wife holding jobs like that. Seems like someone has to be home a good deal more than that allows.
Darwin--I know exactly where you're coming from. I was trying to break it down for C, whose situation I know well! ;)
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