The Past Year's Postdoc--and its aftermath

I tend to think big when I think of blog posts, which is why they're not coming as frequently as they used to. When I have something that I consider "bloggable," it ends up being not only voluminous, but also an emotional journey of sorts. Lately, rather than commit to the time it is going to take to write down the thoughts, I tend to push them aside, add a quip to Facebook, and go on. But some things can't be contained in a quip, and I'm committed in a way to working out professional issues here--insofar as I can do so. I have been thinking a lot about the past year, first because I was feeling better about my prospects and potential for really following through with getting a tenure-track position and all it entails, now because I am feeling like I'm caught in a downward spiral and wonder where it all went wrong.

For the past year, my position has been a hybrid one. I have had an administrative position of sorts, in Writing Programs, which means working with composition in various ways, and then a teaching load of 2-1. I was approached about this position last Spring by my adviser, who know that he can pretty much talk me into anything. I believe that's what he meant by "versatile" in my letters of recommendation. I may be bitter about this, but I don't want to seem like I blame him, really. He has a number of factors to consider, including the needs of the department and what he considers my best interest in terms of landing a tenure-track job. So he casts it as something that I have been specially selected for because of my ability and something that will help me out because I will not have to spend as many hours actually on campus (a real concern with a baby who was only 6 months or so at the time the assignment was awarded, and who would not yet be a year by the time the appointment began). And I fell for it. I was also coming off of what was supposed to be a similar task, revising a syllabus, or rather, making the syllabus appear to have been revised--but that's another story. So anyway, it didn't sound too bad, and since I was really burned out and just needed a job, I didn't really care.

I started to care, though, when I started thinking about the job market. After I actually had the degree in hand, things started seeming possible. Why shouldn't I get a job teaching literature, I wondered. And what have I done all of this work for if it doesn't mean that I can do something I enjoy? If I have to have a 4-4 load of composition, why didn't I stop with a Master's degree? There were other considerations. I was convinced to agree to a 2-course load in the fall, because the initial job search was easy--just write a perfect letter and a perfect teaching philosophy and send them out! In the spring is when I would have to worry about campus visits, and it is easier to get one course covered by a substitute rather than two. Hah!! Also, because I would be working with composition as "Inquiry," I would have to teach composition. With a new syllabus. To honors students, no doubt. I was originally to be given the Intro to Lit also, which made me very depressed because those were the two courses I had had over, and over, and over, and the point of a postdoc, in part, is to give the recent graduates teaching opportunities in their field. Well, the assistant department head agreed that there was no use putting me in two courses I had already had, so I was placed in Children's Lit, which I had taught with some success in the summer--big mistake, but I didn't find that out until later, and I am only now finding out how bad a mistake that was.

Meanwhile, my Intro-to-Lit-as-Inquiry project was being handed over to someone else at the "assessment" stage. With my Intro to Lit course taken away from me, I was not to be involved at all, and I would be given someone else's pet project, the composition. Working on something I didn't like that I was not really involved with revising was not my cup of tea. For me to be able to work on something, I really have to feel like I'm intellectually or otherwise invested in it in some way--a failing, perhaps, and one that does not suit me for administration! At the same time, I was realizing the dread that I had for administration, and not wanting to be pigeonholed into Writing Programs. But although I had been told that if I had any reservations, I should let my advisor (and department head) know, I wasn't quite sure I could back out at that point.

I should probably mention here that my first encounter with said advisor was one in which I was accused of "not behaving in the spirit of graduate study" because I was "unwilling to learn from any position in which I was placed." I would LOVE to have seen some of the graduate students who came AFTER me told any such thing! It wouldn't have happened. Why was I told this? Because I was assigned to grade for two of the most high-maintenance people who taught large section classes while I have been in this department--and he knew it. Also because I tried to transfer out of a "Feminism and Postmodernism" class that I registered for under "Women in Literature." So I should probably note that for the past 8 years, I felt that my job was to demonstrate that I could do what was asked of me. On a level, it broke my spirit and squelched my creativity. It was an exercise of thinking within the box, or at least, being boxed back up when I tried to think big. Especially when I agreed to stay for the Ph.D. But that's another story.

So because I wasn't comfortable backing out, I spoke to the placement coordinator, specifically about how I kind of felt trapped in this assignment, I knew I was being groomed for Writing Programs, and I didn't want to be. Her advice was that a postdoc is a "little gift from Heaven" (I have the uncomfortable gift of a memory for exact phrasing) and that I should essentially be thankful and take it.

It's hard to describe the implications of the decision to take that advice. But let me say that when I teach, I am aware of what needs to be accomplished when, and I don't really answer to anyone else for my pacing, etc.--except the students. Not so in administration, besides that there is no concrete reason why this or that thing should be accomplished before the other thing over there. So I constantly felt like I couldn't prioritize because everything was pretty much stupid and pointless, except the things I needed to do for my classes, which had to come first. Oh, and the job search, because that had deadlines. It is a terrible feeling to know that there are things that people expect you to be doing, that you have tasks waiting to be completed regardless of what urgently needs to be done now. I always felt like I shoudl be doing something other than what I was doing, which made me miserable. Since most of this was accomplished at home, I felt like work overshadowed all of my interactions with my family. And then, I was probably very anemic, which accounts for the periods when all I could do was sit in front of my computer and click...click...click.... And then there were the grad students in the office, who I'm sure resented me for not having to track hours, for seeming to get little accomplished, and whose work was always infinitely better than mine. Then there was the small matter I raised of whether it was appropriate for us to use abortion as an example on department sanctioned materials, especially when the material in question assumed the enlightened nature of the pro-choice position over pro-life.

Anyway, I was never "in the loop," always feeling lost, always feeling like I was shirking some important duty, and when I had something to say, no one wanted to hear. I had things piled on that I didn't feel qualified to do or able to handle with the constraints I had, though luckily the grad students were willing to take on some things that I didn't feel able to do. Then there were those classes. The honors students got along fine, but my children's lit education majors HATED me--and said so, apparently. I was too demoralized after the semester was over to look at course evaluations. But I must say--for the most part, the feeling was mutual. One student emailed me after the semester was over (yes, after grades were posted) to express her enjoyment of the class, and tell me how much she had learned and how what I taught was relevant to literary study (as opposed to whatever education classes do). She wanted me to end the class on a positive note, since the other students were so uninvolved & hostile. She was one of the few English majors I have EVER taught in my 8 or so years of teaching. So when the search committees ask me how I would teach this or that to English majors, my mental response is, "How the hell would I know?"

So here we come to the end of the term of the postdoc. My students this semester do not hate me, but I have been obliged, because of illness and travel, to miss more than I would have liked. I set up appointments with them at the end, as I think I mentioned, to try to make some fast progress--and I think it worked. Now I just need to grade the papers. The ones who showed me drafts after our meetings looked like they had improved greatly. Last week I had that assessment project for comp to analyze, a report to write, and a presentation to make. All done. We have accomplished very little in terms of making the course "Inquiry," which to me is not a surprise because what we were doing was whitewashing the course rather than working from the inside out. We pile more "stuff" on--more than anyone can accomplish--change the wording and call it done--ummmmm. . . no. Well, I still haven't received anything from the person I worked for to say it was well done. Luckily, I did receive some indication that I had done a good job from a higher up--or I would feel REALLY dejected. I agonized over the project and had no real guidance, but I worked my butt off at the end and got it done--as I usually do. Some time in the middle of the most stressful period of analyzing data, writing a report, and grading papers, I was asked to make an appointment to speak to the assistant department head about my possibilities for next year, including the possibility that I had a job offer. I wondered by what stretch of the imagination anyone thought I would have a job offer, since I pretty much said that I wasn't going to, but that's another story. Immediately after the presentation, I had the meeting.

I was given, apparently, the same spiel that everyone has had. We're letting lecturers go. We're looking after our postdocs. We're $250,000 short in our budget this year. We're opting to run a more expensive department so we can take care of the 8 newbies and the 4 people who we still have kicking around because they didn't get jobs this year. You've had your golden opportunity for us to help you develop your teaching areas, so you get comp next year, no chance of renewal after next year, and oh by the way, you need to publish and your evals sucked from the children's lit course.

Okay, some of this I was prepared for. I was not prepared to have the course from hell thrown back in my face. It took me 2 days to recall the full misery of that course because I had so completely blocked it out. I had nothing to answer for that accusation. They hated me. Yes. I know. Later, I remembered why--I tried to make them think and not intuit fuzzy classroom interaction possibilities. And then there was the implication that I got my chance to be special. I had my opportunity to teach my subject field. Ummmmm. . . No. No I didn't. I got stuck in a crummy position that I didn't want that they needed to fill. I was being groomed and didn't want to be. And I didn't feel like I could say so directly. Except that I did say some of it. And, "Oh, so we prepared you for a job you don't want?" "Pretty much, yes." "Oh, sorry." And there it stayed.

I'm forgetting another facet of the story, in which I intervened in a trashing-the-undergrads-fest on Facebook, which of course was only a joke. A violent, bigoted joke. I defended a student I did not know--and by extension the dignity of all students--and then, by the way, found out how badly my own students from the fall had trashed me. And they were education majors, and prone to the kind of attitude that children need to be filled with life issues so they can be programmed to think correctly--just the kind of attitude that I was fighting in my son's education and in my encounter with FB. But that's all I can say about that. It was horrible. Even people who don't accept my view of things would agree that it was horrible. It represented a serious disrespect for the common dignity of students. I was appalled, and very emotionally involved. I don't compartmentalize well. This series of events happened beginning the Friday before the report presentation, which was a Wednesday.

Well, the next day, my class turned in their papers and completed evals. But before the class, I walked into the office where I needed to turn in materials related to the assessment. I was hoping to fish for a "job well done," but nothing was forthcoming. I waled into the office of a colleague to say hello, was asked how I was doing, and realized that I was going to have a breakdown right on the spot. There was nothing I could focus on to keep from crying, and so I said, "I'm about to have a complete nervous breakdown, apparently," and was told to sit and I pretty much spilled most of the job-related things that I have related here. There was the added pressure that my advisor/dept head thought he had found an admin position that he wanted me to apply for. Thankfully, the search was postponed.

That morning, I had left the house on my normal "bringing people to school and work" routine. I went to the grocery store and came back with $200 in groceries, including 4 bottles of wine. Now, we just don't drink that much wine--or any alcohol, really. I almost bought 6 when I remembered that I could get a 10% discount. I picked up my sister and made jokes about cracking one open for breakfast instead of eating, since I wasn't really hungry. I got things together and went to campus. I thought I was o.k., if a little moody. I thought I had decided to pursue a nonacademic career in writing or publishing. I still like the idea of writing, but I'm not happy with the lack of stability--everyone's a writer, it seems. I spent much of the previous night looking at such jobs and coming to terms with that decision. Why should I want to deal with students, I wondered? It's pretty thankless, after all. And my fate rests in their hands to a large degree, both in terms of evaluations and classroom dynamic. And for what? Do they really learn from me? I was feeling like a poor researcher, and a poor teacher, and a poor mother to boot, but I knew one thing--I'm a good writer. And writing comes easy to me. So writing what people tell me to write shouldn't be so bad. Unless it involves analyzing data. And even then. . .

So I showed up late and a little bleary-eyed for my class, and if they noticed, I don't know. They were very upbeat and very nice. I was to meet someone after picking up the papers, but she couldn't make it and cancelled. So I was sitting, recovered, or so I thought, and my advisor approached me. I'm not even going to go into the weirdness of the relationship, but it fluctuates between friend, professional authority figure, and authoritative male family member. He would probably be hurt if he knew I didn't include "colleague," which probably also adds to the weirdness of it. So he came up suddenly and sat next to me. I clapped my computer shut. And he said we needed to talk. Great, cause I needed a lecture. Not now, but maybe this afternoon? Or make an appointment? Great, so I can get an "official" lecture. About "whether[I] want a job, and what kind of job [I] want." Well, I don't want Writing Programs Administration. I told him I would be dead of a heart attack before 40 if I took such a job. Blah blah blah talents, blah blah blah opportunities I've been given. And then, what kind of a condescending, unprofessional move is it to tell me as I'm trying to recover from the emotional implications of the week from hell that I look like my 12-year-old son when I make an expression like that????? No, thank you very much. HE looks like ME!! I wish I would have thought to say so. Eventually, I had to leave the building to avoid being seen, but not before I walked past the assistant department head and was offered a hug by a friend.

Believe me, had I been able to get a job and out of this department without compromising my integrity, I would have done so. As it was, I didn't even have the opportunity to compromise my integrity.

I think I am back to imagining myself in academia, but I do wonder why. Mostly, I think, because I don't know how to search for a writing job, or because I don't want to settle for an entry-level salary, or because only an academic job search offers sufficient security (possibly) to justify a move across country (or wherever).

So I'm all set for to be lectured on Tuesday (or whenever). This is the only professional support I am to expect from my adviser, since any questions I might have, I should (apparently) know already, and all I receive is a one line response generally. I might still try to get a panel proposal together on Wednesday for a conference next Spring.

I had some conclusions about how to proceed with the job search, but they're about personal integrity rather than selling my soul, so I guess they're irrelevant at this point. I fluctuate between hope and despair, when presumably the correct attitude is stoic resolution masked by false enthusiasm.

So yeah, I have no idea where to go from here. Except to find someplace to live that is cheap enough to allow me to put my youngest in mother's day out 3x a week, and to allow me to spend too much to go to the big meat market for the language professions where all good postdocs go if they want to get jobs. My advisor and my mom would most likely tell me I'm being too negative. But my mom wouldn't say it these days, because she understands my frustrations, so that's apparently why I have an advisor.

Busy Days

I have been busier than usual lately in some ways. I have a project that I need to wrap up before the end of the month, and also my class to whip into shape before the end. This has been a terrible semester for me for teaching because of family illness, mostly, and also travel and other distractions of the job search & whatnot. But I am having my students meet with me during class time instead of having a class meeting. I find that the one-on-one interaction over a paper sometimes does more than any generalized instruction I can provide. These appointments mean that I don't have to prepare for class, but the sessions are intense. I am also thinking more about research, publishing, conferences and other professional activities. Some of this is in response to the campus visit--to show what can be done with literary scholarship so that one does not have to rely on teaching tired versions of feminism, and to connect research and teaching so I can answer those darned questions competently, and so I can get a sense for how long it will take me to turn a dissertation into a book, in case I'm asked, and so perhaps schools that are more suitable to me will find me suitable. But this is not the only reason I have been thinking more. After days of feeling so exhausted that I could barely motivate myself to leave the house, to get the necessary coffee, or to make a meal, my mother suggested that I take some iron. I felt as bad as when I was last pregnant, and I am always seriously anemic when I am pregnant, with the last, I believe, being the worst. I have not felt motivated since Chiclette was only a few months old--since shortly after I finished the dissertation. It has gotten worse rather than better. Except that since I have been taking iron every day, I suddenly seem able to think. I seem better able to accomplish the daily tasks I have and to work on longer term projects. And I have ideas again. So if the campus visit only benefited me by giving me an awareness of my health, that is perhaps enough.

This was intended as a preface to some conclusions about the campus visit experience, but alas! my new-found energy does not carry me much past midnight (waking before 8 on weekdays and before 9 on any given day!) and it is after 1 A.M. now. So I will be back when I can to share some reflections.

The Campus Visit Pt. 5

I have many, many things I should be doing, but this is therapeutic and it's too late to start grading now (the story of my life, really). So I will complete the saga before calling it a night.

When I returned to the hotel it was around 3:30. I was exhausted, my feet were killing me, and I was thoroughly discouraged. I was not looking forward to being picked up by the department head and the male committee member, who we may perhaps call Jim--a common enough name. But perhaps with some rest, I would be up to the challenge. I called my husband and vented a little. He was in the process of picking up Doodle from school. She was so surprised and pleased to see him that she proceeded to introduce him to everyone--parents, teachers, and friends. I wanted nothing more than to be home. Then I proceeded to get cleaned up, reapply make-up, and dressed casually to go downstairs to the hotel "gift shop" (that is, convenience area) to see if there would be something besides the gel inserts to help my poor feet.

Now a brief aside here. . . I was told by my department's placement coordinator that I should wear comfortable shoes. But I took this to mean good-quality nice-looking shoes that under normal conditions would be tolerable for standing all day. I did not think I would need to wear Tevas, like my companion who drove me home, or sneakers, or CROCs. I returned a pair of heels that I did not think would be comfortable enough and opted instead for a nice, high-quality pair of Bandolino wedges (not cheap shoes!) with a strap like a Mary Jane. Sensible, practical, but not intended for hiking. So lesson learned--next time, wear the CROCs. I did use the gel inserts, and after ditching the pantyhose, managed to get along pretty well in my nice shoes.

Having determined that I was out of luck with the shoe-cushions, I went back to my room and rested a bit more, and also ate large quantities of cheese and caramel popcorn that I had purchased at O'Hare the day before. Finally, I changed into the dress I had brought for dinner (a casual dress, but a bit dressier and more "fun" than the nice outfit I had worn all day) and went downstairs to the lobby at about 5:25, figuring that my companions would be there shortly. Well, it turns out that while I was waiting (for about 15 minutes instead of the 5 I had anticipated), they called to say they would be late. When they finally arrived, I realized immediately that they were wearing the same things they had all day--which of course made sense on a level, but which also meant that the department head was still wearing blue jeans and an ultra casual button-down shirt with a cardigan. This is not an old woman, people--she is likely about 5 years older than me (my husband's age). And yet, she does not seem young; I mentioned before that this does not feel like a department that a young scholar would join. The woman I spoke with extensively was probably in her late 50s, as was Jim. Our lesbian writer friend was likely the same age as the department head, give or take a few years, and seemed a bit more "hip." In retrospect, when the department head looked surprised and complimented my cute dress, I should immediately have excused myself and changed into the sweater and jeans I was going to wear home the following day.

They asked me what I liked to eat for the second time--I was asked the same thing when I was picked up in the morning. I had actually talked a bit about food at lunch, as the art professor had mentioned that there was more ethnic cuisine in the area than there had been (a measure of a place's culture, apparently, as we say the same thing about this college town; I can't help thinking about My Cousin Vinnie.) So it was known that I liked Sushi and Mediterranean. Personally, I was amazed that they did not have some place in mind where they took all of their candidates. Reflecting back, does this mean that they can adjust how much they spent entertaining the candidate to the person's performance or perceived suitability for the department? Perhaps that is paranoid of me. But it was decided that since the department head's daughter (family????--first mention of children!!!) has extreme food allergies, and her family could not eat out often, the two profs would take me to some place fusion-y where she likes to eat and where you could find a variety of types of cuisine. It was an extremely casual artsy place, concrete floors, water feature, nice in its way, but overpriced for what it was. I took a cue from them and ordered a beer, especially as it was Happy Hour. The department head ordered a bison burger. It took me a while to decide, as I wanted to get something interesting and since I knew that there was no chance that I would ever be eating here again. When I said I was debating between the (more expensive) pasta and the (less expensive) pizza, I was told that the pasta was HUGE and that it was difficult to eat while talking. I took the hint and ordered the pizza--shrimp scampi pizza, actually. It was pretty good.

Now, it is difficult to recall the entirety of the conversation, but this is where Jim really made the strongest impression on me. From our earlier interaction, I was not inclined to like him, but he revealed a lot to me in the course of the car ride to the restaurant and the dinner conversation. I had not entirely recovered from the sense of futility and attitude of apathy I had acquired earlier, and ironically, this made me more inclined to talk, as I only had to pretend half-interest and wasn't worried about offending or making a bad impression. On the ride to the restaurant, I asked about the historic district--whether it was near the university, and learned that one of their stellar top grads had gotten a job at a local ethnic museum. I was shown a company that paid for a lot of the employees to attend the school, and so I asked a bit about the adult education program. The school is supposedly very proud of their programs for working adults, and I had been told about the "age diversity" in some of their classes during the phone interviews. It was mentioned again at lunch, but I thought with some embarrassment. These programs were part of the "service, service, service"--separate degree programs, but also admissions for nontraditional students. One of the students I spoke with before lunch had mentioned the schedule that some of the working adults follow--6-week sessions instead of 15, and evening classes instead of daytime. So I asked about those classes, and whether there was overlap, or whether the traditional students had the option of enrolling in the mini-sessions. This was greeted with surprise and I was told quickly and vehemently that they were separate programs, and that the traditional students did NOT enroll in the shorter classes. Some nontraditional students did enroll in the regular degree programs, but for the most part the populations were separate. Inquiring further, I was told with contempt that most of the faculty did not teach in the continuing education program, which was staffed mainly by adjuncts. Now Jim taught in that program for a while--it's how he paid for his daughter's college. He said something about having to be very versatile and adapting to different learning styles by employing a variety of teaching techniques. His body language, even while driving, conveyed strong distaste.

Something odd about this whole drive--indeed, the whole evening--was that the two professors kept discussing things around me, without me, that did not pertain to me, and from which I was excluded. There was a free performance of an opera on campus that night--"The Barber of Seville" in English by a professional opera troupe, and they discussed the reactions of their respective spouses to the prospect of attending the opera. It was very alienating.

During the drive, conversation shifted to the senior seminars that their majors had to take, which are not focused on a single topics, but are almost like directed studies. So in this class with 8 students or so, every student was working on something different in order to complete a project--a major paper or thesis or something. Jim mentioned, more to the department head than to me, that one of the seniors was working her way through their list of great books that every person should read as her project, and another one (whom I had met) was stressed because she had only read 1/4 of the books. I doubted that I had read them all, but I kept it to myself. Conversation shifted to a topic that was revisited later--student sensitivity to subject matter. It seems that Jim had had a student--an older woman, I believe from the impression I received--who objected to every book on the list because of content. He told her that she should make her own list, then, supposedly in an attempt at compromise. He told me that the list she came up with was full of ridiculous items, like the soundtrack to The Sound of Music, and that he took it to the provost and said that he could not work with it. The department head said surely he was exaggerating, which he denied, and assured me that not all of their students were like this. But Jim continued. He gave her The Grapes of Wrath to read, and while it was not her favorite book, she was okay with it--until the last pages, where the character breastfeeds a starving old man. She took it to him and told him that he tricked her, that it was an evil, sinful book and he knew it and he tricked her. And wasn't I outraged by this, by implication? I didn't really respond. Clearly, he had tricked her. He knew what the ending of the story contained. With a little imagination, he could have understood or anticipated her reaction. But by then it would be too late for her, and she would have read it already. He had indeed failed to respect her unique needs as a student. Whatever her reasons were for objecting to the content of the books, they were clearly very important to her, and whether or not her biases were necessary, or just, or enlightened, it should not have mattered to him. He could have educated her mind without offending her soul.

The burning question I did not ask of the faculty, for fear of making them defensive (which I did in the first hour anyway), was why each of them chose to teach at a Catholic school. That to press issues of sexuality onto his students was one of Jim's prime goals--to force enlightenment, you might say, became even more abundantly clear as the evening progressed. The following week--this week, in fact--the newspaper was going to run a story about student protest of a film. Jim's students, honors students, were protesting a film that he had chosen for the honors film club. Usually, the students chose their own film to be shown on campus, but this time, they asked for his recommendation. He recommended Milk, which I had not heard of, which valorizes a murdered homosexual congressman (I'm trying to remember if he used the word "martyred"--he might have). Students objected. Protested. The paper stepped in to cover the controversy. The film was removed from the schedule and is now being shown in the political science department. He only chose the film because it was a good film, he said. It had nothing to do with the homosexual content. In fact, he implied, he didn't even remember that it had homosexual content.

Here, he mentioned Hable con ella by Spanish director Pedro Almodóvar, translated Talk to Her, which features a scene from an imaginary silent film in which the male protagonist shrinks small enough to climb into his wife's vagina and become lost inside. The fictional film induces the male character in Almodóvar's film to rape the patient that he lusts after but has been caring for, which eventually leads to the birth of a child and her recovery from a coma. Jim mentioned this film, knowing that I liked Almodóvar, as one he would like to teach, but couldn't because of "that scene." The department head rolled her eyes at the mention of "that scene," seemingly put off by his mention of it--over dinner--with a prospective faculty member. . . I merely said that I didn't think it was one of Almodóvar's best, as it was a bit commercial for him. He went on to talk about self-censorship, and how so many teachers self-censored, and to rail against students' opposition to sexuality. He would never teach Lolita at this school, as it was. How is it, he wondered, with examples to back him up, that extreme violence is not something students object to, but even a loving sex scene is rejected and not tolerated? Here, I spoke up. I had been thinking of my conviction that Australia got the criminals and America the Puritans because we lost the toss. But it was no laughing matter to someone who had so little regard for his students' beliefs. I said that perhaps it is because, while students do not imagine themselves as participants in violence, particularly certain types of violence, they do see sexuality as an issue that is deeply relevant--something bound up with the very fiber of their being--and since it touches them more directly, they feel more personally affected by its portrayal. Jim did not respond, but became fixed on his plate of curry chicken. I consider that a shining moment.

There were other shining moments, like when I compared a "city" in Invisible Cities to New Orleans, made more alive by its awareness of the possibility of destruction. The department head was moved to say "wow" and admire the perspective. Jim revealed a bit more at this moment, almost asking me if I wanted to move back to New Orleans, but catching himself. How could I, if I was going to move to the midwest to teach at their school?

As we were getting up from the table, I decided to ask the department head about her children, two of them, 8 and 11, girls, the elder of whom plays the clarinet. It was on the tip of my tongue to mention that my son, 12, plays the cello. And I desperately wanted to. But at the same time I didn't. I had nothing to lose, but at that point, I did not want to give them anything of myself that was authentic.

The ride back to the hotel was largely silent. No one moved to shake my hand. I walked inside. All that remained was to sleep, and to return home. The next day was long and frustrating, but not really worth recounting. I arrived home after 10 P.M. the next evening, about 5 hours later than scheduled, but I was home.

Reflections and conclusions to come. Comments appreciated, as I am still sorting much of this out. . .

Some More Incidentals

Okay, so I remembered a few more details.

The provost's assault still bothers me. It bothers me because it was completely unexpected. The department had hardly been interested in my scholarly activity at all. I had ONE question in the morning about my dissertation--of the "tell us about your dissertation" variety. Actually, of the 3 phone interviews I have had, no one had asked about my research at all, much less the time frame in which I planned to complete X project. So I stopped thinking about it so much. But what occurs to me now is that, as far as I could tell, none of the current faculty in the English department have ever published a scholarly monograph. That's right--no nonfiction book pubs. At. All. So he's demanding this of me--my first instinct was, have YOU ever published a book? Do you know what it entails? Because I really don't. My thought now is, what kind of support would I have in terms of mentoring? Would there be anyone around who could shepherd me through the process? Or would I be on my own?

It was revealed to me by my activist escort that many of the faculty are not happy with the changes afoot at this particular school, as it moves from college to university. I had gotten some of this anyway, by implication and vague or wry reference. Now I got the specifics: The faculty who came to this school to avoid the "publish or perish" scenario now felt rather pressured to join that world--a world they are singularly unprepared for, it seems to me. And I got more. There are, for existing faculty members, two "tracks" that they can choose, as a compromise. They can choose to stick with teaching, and have a higher load (4-1-4), or to introduce a research requirement or expectation and enjoy a "break." The English department has a "deal" that allows them to teach a 3-1-3 load, which is nice except that comp is a 4-hour course, and the reason for the "deal," and then there would be (or so I understood) an offset of the teaching load for research. Incoming people would be held to the "research" "track," which is what I would have expected. But wow! This is a baaaad situation. What kind of resentment is this going to breed?

The Campus Visit Pt. 4

After the teaching demo, three of the professors bid me goodbye, one for good, and the remaining professor, an older woman, said that she could take me on a tour of the campus if I wanted, or I could go back to the hotel--whatever I wanted. My feet by this time were aching--If aching is really the right word. They were burning and swollen on the bottoms from walking uphill in shoes with a wedge. I had gel thingies to put in them, but hadn't had a chance to sit down without being watched. So I requested just to be able to sit and rest for a little while (I was exhausted), and then perhaps to see parts of the campus.

So we went to her office. I said something in reference to the teaching demo, but I can't remember what. Her response made me feel that the whole thing was not important--in a good way. This was the only one-on-one time I had with any member of the English department the entire time, except when I was picked up in the morning by the male professor, and I think I managed some appropriate small talk. But this time, I was able to ask about the students, and we covered a wider range of topics relating to the town, state, university, and this professor's own interest and background. Because I didn't feel interested in being a "good candidate" any longer, I was able to talk. I almost wrote "proving myself," but I never did see it in those terms. This wasn't "proving myself," as there was no goal and no challenge, it was just coming across well--presenting a favorable image. And so I was polite--like a guest in someone's home when I was young. Travel makes me timid too, I might add.

So finally, we talked about her political causes, as there were posters on all of her walls with Spanish quotes. She likes to protest the School of the Americas with students; she visits Colombia to promote peace. So you must be fluent? No. Not as fluent as she would like to be. And there is no Spanish department at the college, correct? Right. All the time I am thinking about my husband, who is a definite participant in my intellectual life, and his own expertise in political science and in Spanish, and wondering what his take would be on all of this. Then I started feeling bad again about the "not talking about your family" constraint. I thought perhaps my feet had recovered well enough, and we left the office.

Descending the stairs, I decided to go for it. You know, I said, I'm going to break with convention and mention that my husband has a Master's of Spanish and a Master's in Political Science, and I couldn't help thinking of him while looking at your posters. This was greeted with much surprise. Yes, I said, and the hardest part of this visit was when I was asked what I do for fun at lunch and I couldn't help thinking of my three children. That's a job unto itself, she said, and I agreed and said yes, with the Ph.D. and the children, "fun" isn't something I have time for too often. She didn't have any interest in my family, which was fine. I didn't expect it. But I had come clean, and didn't really care about anything else. She asked about the children's ages, though and did mention that she has a 28-year-old son who lives somewhere else but was a Spanish major in college and she practices her Spanish with him sometimes. We were proceeding uphill to the chapel and the library. My feel were not as bad, but were steadily worsening as we ascended. As I reached the door of the student ministry area, leading to the chapel, I wryly thought of joining my suffering to Christ's, which of course reminded me how minor and how futile my own "suffering" was. That wry attitude characterized my mood just then.

The chapel was singularly unattractive. I mentioned that I had seen stained glass windows from the window of the room where I was first interviewed. I did have the opportunity to look inside that room. I asked the department head if I could take a peek into the chapel when I saw that I had to pass it in order to go to the bathroom. She had no problem taking me inside. It was very pretty. A traditional rectangular configuration with a central aisle. What would have been the sanctuary was empty--no crucifix, no tabernacle, no altar. It was bare and sad. The windows were stunning, though. Eight saints, arrayed four on each side. The ones that stand out to me are St. Therese (The Little Flower) on my right and St. Patrick, with a flaming green chasuble on my left. The images looked like antique holy cards illuminated by the sunlight and gleaming. It was truly beautiful--a shining moment that had nothing to do with me, but which made me sad for all of its splendor. The old chapel was built in 1923, I believe, and abandoned in 1971, when the new chapel was built. If you are familiar with 1970s church architecture, nothing I describe will surprise you. It was dark. It was circular, which deemphasizes the focal point. To stress that deemphasis, one enters from the side rather than from the rear, and the visitor is not obligated to gaze on either the crucifix or the tabernacle, both of which are offset. In fact, I was so disoriented that I did not know whether or not to genuflect, which of course I should have done. There was holy water. And for all of its ugliness, there was peace. I gazed at the tabernacle, and wanted some time to myself there, but was still timid, and did not request it. The stained glass was non-representational--mere chips of blue and red. The seven cardinal virtues adorned the wall opposite the entrance, so instead of focusing on Christ's sacrifice, upon entering one focuses on words without symbols: Prudence, Justice, Restraint, Courage, Faith, Hope, and Charity. That is, one focuses on the values of the particular religious order and not on Christ as the head of the Universal Church. My escort commented on the beauty of the place, but I could not assent. I did not find it beautiful except insofar as it contained the Body of Christ. Which of course is everything.

Next was the library, which occupies the other wing of the same building. Though I was told that it was built about the same time as the chapel, it looked newer, fresher, more modern. We entered on a second story, and there was a square balcony of sorts overlooking a carpeted staircase and the floor below. There was a very large skylight above. My impression was that rather more care had been given to making the library attractive than the chapel. I was told that the ceiling had leaks, and that when it rained, the pretty interior was punctuated by buckets. It was an inviting space nonetheless, suited for parties rather than lectures, for which the chapel, as the largest gathering space on campus, was sometimes used.

From there, we descended the hill again, and my feet were once again hurting so badly that I was taking small steps, as if I lacked full use of my limbs. To my left was something I very much wanted to see, but could not have walker there without first removing my shoes, which I had very much wanted to do for an hour or two at this point. It is a bridge-like structure that is featured on the college web page, and dates to the founding of the college by the Sisters. It has been restored recently, which I knew, but by the art department, so for its aesthetic beauty rather than its spiritual significance. It is called The Grotto. I was told that it was part of the "green space," a meditative spot. "It's a shrine, correct?" I asked. Hastily and clipped, "Yes, it's a shrine to Mary." "It's a reference to Lourdes, right? The Grotto?" Silence. We proceeded downhill and I was in such obvious discomfort that I was allowed to sit for a moment while she brought her car around to drive me to the hotel.

The ride to the hotel was pleasant. We talked about Big State School known for creative writing. Some of my undergrad professors had gone there. I almost went into creative writing. Good thing I didn't, 'cause the wellspring of poetry has pretty much dried up. We talked about that a bit. I was myself with this member of the faculty, for some crazy reason. It's not that I particularly trusted her. She was a bit less threatening than the others, just because she did not seem to be judging me n quite the same way(s). I have asked myself a few times why I was able to be chatty. I asked about health food & organic farming. I admitted to having interests. And then I shook her hand and hobbled into the hotel, dreading what was to come. . .

I promise, the next installment will be the last.

The Campus Visit Pt. 3: The Teaching Demo

After lunch, I was led back to the building where the teaching demonstration was to be held. This teaching demonstration was supposed to be a topic of my choosing--something that showcased my abilities as a teacher and allowed me to interact with students. I was told that the students would be eager and willing to engage with me. So I prepared accordingly. I made a sample syllabus to contextualize the "lesson" and modified a lesson that I had used successfully before that started with a "quiz" and then discussed the answers. I had practiced the lesson in front of faculty from my own department, and the response was positive. There were to be about 18 people total--students and faculty.

I was brought into the building and led upstairs. It was a day of endless hills and staircases, and my feet were very, very sore by this point, as I was probably the only person wearing shoes that were intended to be stylish and not merely functional. I was tired, discouraged, overwhelmed. I was told that I could put my things (computer-bag purse that I had been lugging my laptop around in all day) in the male professor's office. I was told that I would be given a few moments to prepare by myself. So I ducked into the restroom briefly. When I rejoined the faculty member, she ushered me down the hall and said, "You can go in and get set up." Instead of the empty room I had anticipated, I walked straight in to the waiting faculty and students!

I'm not sure I mentioned that after lunch I felt that it was all over. I wanted to leave and not even go through with the teaching demo. I felt as though they were done with me, and I was certainly done with them. So now, as I walked to the front of the class and stood facing the screen/blackboard, I felt as though I wanted to cry. I felt like running away. This is not me. I don't react like this to stress. You'll have to trust me on this, I know. It wasn't stress, it was the futility of it all that I was reacting to. But I mustered my energy, set up my powerpoint, and waited. And waited. And waited. One professor was smiling at me. The remainder of the room was scowling, except the department head, who was settling herself and passing out more of the bright orange evaluation forms that I had seen at the meeting with the students. So I waited. And they looked at me expectantly. And it occurred to me--was no one going to introduce me? Did they think so little of me? Or were they so rude?? And still I waited. It seemed like forever. Until my one ally in the room said something to the department head, she seemed surprised and hastily rose, came halfway to the front of the room, said, "This is Dr. Literacy-chic" and returned to her seat. And so I began.

I said how pleased I was to be there. (That is, I lied.) I thanked the students for participating and said how exciting it must be to have a voice in this process. (Disingenuous of me? Maybe.) They scowled. This was going to be fun. Then I read the brief two paragraph introduction to the syllabus I prepared and told them a bit about what the "course" would look like. Then I began with my "quiz." They were to designate whether a given poem was for children or adults. Some were more well-known than others. The male professor I have mentioned seemed particularly grumpy and confused. None seemed to know what I was doing. When it came time for the "Answers," PowerPoint sabotaged me. My slide show was flawless when I presented it to faculty at my institution. However, I had modified things on their suggestion. Slight modifications, but enough for PowerPoint to revert from my custom animations to the default, which meant that my list of titles was revealed from right to left and bottom to top rather than left to right and top to bottom. Now, I admit, there was the "Why does this have to happen to me?" mixed with discouragement and a sense of futility. And I plodded on. My strength is the discussion of the poems--what elements of the poem do we associate with children and childhood? They stared at me. One or two students graced me with an occasional answer. And one or two professors played along, too. It was miserable. My worst classes that I've taught have not been so resistant. I should probably mention that the teaching demonstration was 40 minutes long. I kept looking at the clock, looking for the right time to end, plodding along stoically. At times, I was more successful than others. I gave up on the students, who were just clueless about how to answer open-ended questions. And I talked. Finally, I could legitimately end. I told how this would set up the next class, in which we would discuss how Blake positions the reader as a child in order to exploit our expectations of what childhood is and how it stands in relation to the adult world. And I asked for questions. By now, I had looks of pity from two faculty members and one student that I had met earlier. And then it happened.

One male student looked at the syllabus and raised his hand. What, he asked, would be my objective in such a course? (Feelings of affection and gratitude toward student) But oh my! what a question! The syllabus was intended to be an advanced course--perhaps a senior seminar--in which students used the texts (including theoretical texts and critical essays, but nothing too complex) as a jumping off point to think about a topic, in this case, representations of children and childhood. It is modeled off of graduate courses, which may or may not be a smart thing, but I do a kind of "Let's think about what fantasy is/does" in my intro to lit course, so why not? I explained that the objective was to theorize about children and childhood--to ask questions about representations and to see what answers we could discover. And then I went on. . .

Thinking very much of the feminist essays, I said that it is very easy to take an essay and say, "Here's this essay! And oh! look! here is a work of literature! And this work of literature is doing exactly what this essay talks about!" I said that. Word for word. And I gestured to the left to indicate the essay (no symbolic meaning) and to the right to indicate the text. And I said that it is less easy to ask the questions yourself and see what you discover. It was another shining moment. It was such a shining moment that the department head asked if it was a course I had actually taught, because she was going to ask what kinds of things people discovered. That was the only question, and people started to file out. But the student stayed behind, and he apologized for asking another question, but he was really interested in this syllabus (!). So I talked with him a bit about the rationale behind the selections, and he said that he had never before thought about how children are grouped together as a single entity--not even as young humans, but young creatures. And we understood one another. And that moment surpassed the Guinness of the night before.

Some Incidentals

Things come back to me. . .

I was asked by the committee if I would be comfortable teaching History of the English Language. Later in the day, after I was thoroughly discouraged, I nearly remarked to someone that I chose the literature track over creative writing when I was an undergrad because I didn't want to take History of the English Language. I got ornery as the day progressed. But I said at the time that I thought I had sufficient preparation from grad classes to teach it. I rather thought that this had been dropped from the phone interview, but whatever.

When I was speaking to the provost, he asked if I noticed anything lacking in the course offerings. I mentioned that it was impossible to tell how specialized the special topics courses were, and also that there did not seem to be a theory or literary criticism class, which I had to take as an undergrad. Maybe if the students were exposed to some other perspectives, they wouldn't rehash feminist readings of texts. Did I mention that the research in those papers was of the "big book of feminist quotes" variety? Yeah. . .

I was also asked by the committee how I became interested in film. Now I have two problems with this. First, that the obvious answer is. . . ummmm, by watching them? And also coursework. I did better than that. But the second is that some of the films I have become interested are Spanish films, introduced to me by my husband, and then by contacts that I met through him, because my husband is a participant in my intellectual life. So what does one do with that? Oh, some guy I know introduced me to Almodovar. Uh huh.

The Campus Visit, Pt. 2

I was not worried at all about meeting the president of the university, which might seem odd except that he was the one person of whom I wanted to ask questions. He was a new president--of only 3 years--and had been making changes that--I already sensed--had somewhat rattled the faculty. The English department prided itself on going along with the changes (though perhaps with some resentment). I was really interested in knowing the nature of the changes.

He assured me that this was not an official part of the interview process, and congratulated me on getting so far--one of three--in a search for which there were many applicants. He said he liked to meet anyone who was being seriously considered for a position on campus, particularly a faculty position. Looking over my resume, he asked if I had ever been to England. He noted with surprise and pleasure my work on C. S. Lewis, as he had taught Lewis in high schools in England (he is English) many years before. I have not been to England, and he recommended that I visit sometime and told me about their new exchange program with Canterbury.

When my turn for questions came, I asked first about the "changes," but he resisted the term. Instead, he preferred to think in terms of "updating." To bring the school from the mid-1980's into the 21st Century. Unfortunately, his methods confused me, as I had learned earlier that the English, Fine Arts, and Communications into a single department. I found out a little about his perspective--or his PR-- but not about specific goals. Next, I asked my real question. It took him a bit aback, but he was not displeased. In fact, I think he rather liked me. But he misread my intent completely.

I had agonized over how to ask about the school's Catholic identity, and whom I should ask. I didn't feel that the English faculty would have welcomed the question--and indeed, I am sure that that is true. And their answer would have had to do with service, service, service. But you know what? Agnostics and atheists can also perform service for communities, and humanity at large, and do so in a caring and conscientious manner. And I did not get the impression that the impulse to serve other people was rooted in any kind of religious sentiment, but more on that later. The president seemed to have been hired to bring change. They are, as I mentioned in a previous post, hiring for a position that is intended on some level to oversee orthodoxy. I researched the president of the school and learned that he had previously been provost of another Catholic school, and was credited with really improving programs and even with having their accreditation reinstated. The school that he left was recently named one of the 20 or 30 "authentic" Catholic colleges by the Cardinal Newman Society. My hope for the school rested with him.

I lead off by saying that I was aware that he had been provost at another Catholic school, which I named, before entering his present position. I mentioned that his former employer and the current school were not founded by the same order, which he confirmed, and I asked him to contrast the schools. I was greeted with some surprise, but he very readily proceeded to give his perspective. The other school, it seems, is an "Independent Catholic College"--not founded by an order, and yet not attached to the Diocese. It is attached to a seminary. Though I'm not sure if it was by implication or directly stated, I got the impression that the "maleness" vs. "femaleness" of the schools was significant somehow. And then, he tackled orthodoxy--insofar as he could. He mentioned the designation by the Cardinal Newman Society. He denigrated the Cardinal Newman Society because they have no official voice. They are not authorized by anyone, but want to have their perspective acknowledged. Now, the Cardinal Newman Society bugs me to a degree. I am bothered by their president, who is not his own best friend in terms of PR. The tone in which their statements are made is always one of self-righteous pronouncement. And their tone is always one of challenge rather than understanding or reconciliation. I think their motives are good, but their methods are poor, and they alienate more than they unite. One can be uncompromising without being so off-putting. So I am well acquainted with the Cardinal Newman Society, and could certainly see why the president of the college would dislike them.

He went on to says that there are many different ways to be Catholic, "regardless of what Ex Corde Ecclesia might say." Here it got a bit touchy, as the Pope just has to realize (apparently) that in America (unlike, say, the rest of the world) there are different versions of Catholicism and none is more authentic than the next. The faculty was split on the question of Catholic identity, but he wanted to open up discussion--to make it something that COULD be discussed. That was positive. There were members of the faculty, he said, who occupy both sides of the spectrum. There are some who consider him a Vatican Watchdog, and others consider him a wacky liberal Protestant. (Not sure if he is Catholic, but if not, certainly Anglo-Catholic.) As a man of faith, he concluded, he felt more comfortable here (at a school which was, as far as I could tell, trying to distance itself from religion in every way possible) than at his previous school, though he liked that school well enough and had a number of respected friends and colleagues whom he continued to contact. I said very little, but I got exactly the information that I wanted. It was another shining moment. I believe that the impression I made was overall favorable, and that he was encouraged rather than put off by the question I had asked. But my heart sank as I left the office.

The next stop was the provost. The provost and associate provost were running late because of a financial aid meeting. When they arrived, I found that the provost was a very young man with an arrogant bearing, while the associate provost was an older, mousy-looking woman. She didn't say much, but smiled very pleasantly, and nodded with approval to much of what I said. Once again, the teaching questions were easy. One question I was asked a second time was how I would address students who were perhaps in need of remediation, or who were non-majors. I answered the same as with the committee, because while I believe in offering help when needed, I believe that challenging students of all levels is essential, and asking challenging questions can motivate all students equally. While I'm not sure that's always what they want to hear, I can't adapt it--it's what I sincerely believe.

After some basic questions about teaching, and even one about faith and supporting their mission (and I suspected that the provost might have different ideas about that mission), I was accosted. "Well," he asked, "you have been finished with the Ph.D. for a year. What have you done? Conferences? Publications?" Of all of the answers that occurred to me, I did NOT think to protest that I had not been out for 12 months, but 8. . . And truly, I resented the question and the tone of it. I mentioned a research presentation in the fall. I mentioned an article revision. Then I was asked, "You say that you're looking at turning your dissertation into a book. How soon will that happen?" In a very demanding tone, I might add. I felt flabberghasted. I said in the next couple of years, and resolved to take that line out of my application letter. I understand that they are looking to increase scholarly productivity among their faculty, but I really need to catch my breath right now. And I am a little light on support, as my advisor is too busy to follow up with me. Actually, I have been left to fend for myself in the conference/publication arena anyway, so I likely have not done as much as I should.

The next stage was an informal talk with some students. I went up to the Honors lounge, where two students were waiting. Another one walked in late. They asked me some questions, like how I would handle it if my "plans" for the day were interrupted because the students were engaging in their own debate. I think of myself as very flexible, and in fact, that's sometimes when an instructor knows that s/he has done something right. I heard about a debate in the class of the male professor towards whom I have since developed a very strong dislike. The student in question (all 3 were female) was impressed by the laid back attitude of that professor. I said that I would join in on the conversation, certainly! At this point, I also learned that the students had been equipped with evaluation forms to assess me. They were bright orange--very subtle. But I had not been informed of this in advance, and it made me feel uneasy. The chat went well, and the outspoken student told me that I would do okay--I had a sense of humor, so they wouldn't scare me. Ha. As they were escorting me to the "Penthouse" for lunch, I asked my own burning question--all were, I believe, transfers from local community colleges. Why this college? Well, one mousey and very sweet recent transfer said, her sister just moved to the area, and she knew she wanted a Catholic college. . . And my heart sank, but that was what I wanted to know. The presumed Catholic identity of the college is important to some of the students. It was supposed to be a positive indicator to me, that this was a motivation in students enrollment. I wanted to ask a follow-up question, how she found it now that she was here, but she was so innocent-seeming. I know that she would not have thought to find fault. She was still trying to get the courage to talk in class since her community college courses had been online.

On to lunch. The "Penthouse" was an enclosed porch or greenhouse on the roof of the building--the highest point in the midwest manufacturing town, and all of its gray glory stretched out around me. It's hard for me to recreate my mood. I entered in on 4 professors, two of whom I had not met before, and one declared that since I had not come, they had chosen their drinks, but I was welcome to have first choice of whatever was left. It was a joke, but also alienating. It didn't matter, because Dr. Pepper is not widely available in that part of the world. Another good reason not to move there.

The other two professors were from the Art and Communications. The professor of Art was going to be the new department head of the combined department, though she was clearly self-conscious because she does not have a Ph.D. There was some institutional small talk that excluded me. I was expected to have questions about the area. Truthfully, I managed to chat with the Art prof more than with the others, and I asked about their backgrounds (geographical). Throughout the day, everyone sort of wanted to know about Hurricane Katrina, and what I had done to help in this case, and this was the first time that I really felt significantly constrained by not being able to mention my family. I guess it's not so apparent why I wasn't mucking about in the 9th Ward and rebuilding homes if you don't know that I was PREGNANT during the hurricane, right? One of the English profs lead a student group (they like taking students on trips) to New Orleans to muck around in the aftermath and photograph a situation they couldn't possibly understand. And they constantly patted themselves on the back for it. If my tone is becoming more hostile, it was because this was a turning point of sorts, and yet also where I began to have inklings that they had given up on me, and when I felt that perhaps they could have made more of an effort to put me at ease. We talked a lot about weather--blizzards, tornados. Great.

And the defining question? "What do you do for fun?" I kind of crumbled. It was a superficial, unanswerable question. It was designed to see if I was interesting. And it was from then on that I started prefacing my remarks with, "I'm sure I seem very uninteresting. . ." and "Not to seem uninteresting. . ." and "I guess it makes me seem uninteresting. . ." But on a level, the truth was that they did not interest me, and so I didn't care except insofar as I was being judged. So I mentioned sewing. What kinds of things do I sew? No, I don't quilt. I don't have the patience. Of course, the department head made a Queen sized quilt while she was procrastinating her dissertation. I said I admired that kind of dedication, and that it was akin to the dissertation. Me? Do I sew apparel? Why yes, I sew apparel. Not saying much more because I sew children's apparel. And blankets, because friends of mine have had babies recently. And because while I do not quilt, I like coordinating colors and prints. See, the Art prof said, you get some of that from your mom (who, as I mentioned, has a degree in Fine Arts). Yes, and most of the women in my family sew, and have my whole life. You see, it's okay to talk about mothers and aunts, but not about husbands and children. Maybe they knew I was hiding something. But the resentment was growing that I had to hide it. This is not right, and by that I refer to the whole dehumanizing process.

No shining moments at lunch. Perhaps because I was feeling a bit faint after having had only 2 small danishes for breakfast.

After lunch was the teaching demo. And here I leave you in suspense, because it deserves its own separate post.

The Campus Visit, Pt. 1

The campus visit is a very, very strange process. As far as I know, it is a unique process in that it is so sustained and takes so much performing on the part of the candidate. I had a few of what I call "shining moments" when I really felt like I was myself; otherwise, I felt that it was my duty to conceal much of what I consider my identity. And this is a struggle for me.

In retrospect, I wonder if perhaps they have already found their ideal candidate, and simply could not back out of having me up. . . But perhaps I am taking things too seriously, or perhaps I am misreading bad manners or unprofessional behavior. I will also say that I am a little bit shy in unfamiliar circumstances. Mr. D'Arcy's statement to Elizabeth in the BBC version, "We neither of us perform to strangers," comes to mind. But I am not a lively conversationalist at first meeting in unfamiliar circumstances, and I never felt sufficiently at ease to open up. I had a beer at dinner, but I get ahead of myself.

The adventure started on Tuesday--the day spent on airplanes and at airports. My agony at leaving my babies--their surprising ability to take it all in stride. While I was trying to figure out how to pay for the plane ticket, in the 2-3 days I delayed between being invited to campus and booking the flight through Travelocity, the price jumped over $500 and I had to settle for 2 stops going. I flew into Dallas first, then Chicago, then on to my final destination and small nominally Catholic midwest college. In Chicago, I learned that my flight, scheduled to arrive at my destination for 5:45, had been cancelled about 30 minutes before I was supposed to board. Originally, I received a phone message telling me that they had rescheduled for the next morning at 8. I stood in line for what seemed like an hour so that I could be transferred to another airline's flight, arriving at 8:15. As soon as I knew the updated flight information, I called the department head who interviewed me and informed her that I would be arriving late. The result? Well, by the time I would arrive, the professor who was to pick me up would surely have gone home, so I could call for the hotel shuttle when I arrived. So my initial impression? I have been downgraded from a warm greeting and casual supper to "fend for yourself." Perhaps this might have been unjust had I not known that the professor in question did not have, for example, the family obligations that I would have in her place. She may or may not have a partner, but she does not have children.

I did find the shuttle, which was coming for some business men and would certainly have left without me had I not opted to wait in the 37 degree weather. It was windy and refreshing after the day of stuffy compartments and terminal after terminal. I reached the hotel--very plush--called home, and then decided to order food if it was still available. It was. I had a lovely burger and an even lovelier draft Guiness. It was the high point of my visit. I charged the food to the room and paid for the Guiness myself.

I was picked up from the hotel at about 8:45 the next morning by one of the committee members--the only male on the committee, and the only remaining male in the department after the ostracized member of the department, whom I did not meet, retires. I do not make good small talk in the morning. I was also unable to find out much information about the members of this department, who have not published widely. However, to my credit, I did manage. I fell silent perhaps more often than others would have. Repeatedly throughout the day, I was asked if I had any questions. I didn't. I rather came to have my impressions confirmed or refuted. I feel as though I should have had questions. I had some, but they were incredibly focused--very, very specific. And they did not lend themselves to small talk.

About a week and a half before the visit was scheduled, I was sent a packet of information about the town and the school. Included were two department publications, an undergraduate literary magazine and a spiral-bound book of student essays. I skimmed the literary mag, read the bios of the student contributers, and devoted most of my plane journey on Tuesday to reading the essays. Immediately it became apparent that the essays were, with only 2 exceptions, angry second-wave feminist readings of texts. They were ambitious in a way, except that the theory so obviously proceeded from the faculty rather than from any conviction on the part of the students, and they were poorly executed. The one essay that gave a Christian perspective on a work of literature was very well executed, though perhaps less ambitious, and tied for third place. I wondered about the focus of the issue, and determined to ask about it.

The first stop on my visit was the inquisitorial squad--the 4 department members in good standing. While I was waiting for them to arrive, I glanced out of the window and noticed stained glass windows below me. I asked if it was a chapel, and was told that it had been, but was now the place where the choir practiced. There was a new chapel built in the 1970s. The room itself had a long table. I sat nearer the windows, and the first 3 members arrayed themselves on the opposite side of the table. A joke was made about it. the fourth sat on my side when she finally arrived. The dress was decidedly casual--faded button-down shirts and jeans were apparently the order of the day.

So I was questioned. I don't remember too much of this part. I was asked a number of questions about teaching. I was asked to talk about my dissertation. Especially in relation to teaching. I didn't really know what to say, and I'm afraid I may have rambled. Teaching was much easier for me to address for some reason. In all, I felt okay about it. I don't think I screwed anything up in any kind of significant way. I was asked for the first time about how would teach a "gen ed" class vs. majors, and I said that I wouldn't approach it differently, I would simply provide more context. I would still ask challenging questions. And though I didn't say it, I think I conveyed that I would still have high standards.

My turn came for questions. I didn't have many. Perhaps I should have. But I asked about the book of essays. I asked about the fact that the dominant critical perspective was feminist, and whether this derived from a particular course, or whether it was a point of view that predominated in the courses taught in the department. And I put them on the defensive--the male member of the committee in particular. Oh, and the lesbian novelist, but less so. It was blamed on the student editor. I was told that there was a women's writers seminar that year and that many of the papers came from the seminar. Of course, that doesn't explain the paper on Shakespeare. And there are other critical perspectives from which one can approach women writers, including more current models of feminism. The paper on "The Yellow Wallpaper" was the worst. It was simply commended because the male author had learned so much about women's oppression. It was nothing new, unusual, or even particularly interesting, and it was not well-written, but rambled--as did all of the papers that won awards. But the choice of papers was attributed to the student editor and her strong opinions, and I was told that she would again be the editor and (he suspected) would again have a very strong (by implication, different) opinion that was reflected in her choices. I suggested that they have her write an editor's note. I really did. This was my first shining moment. I was also told (by the male professor) that most of their students were young women, and that young women were naturally attracted to that perspective. And then I was asked--nay, it was demanded of me--"Why do you ask that question?" I backtracked a little, good-naturedly saying that I probably phrased the question poorly, that I was really interested in whether the essays were related to a single course, which was true. That was one possible justification for the single-mindedness of the essays. But it wasn't the only reason I could see. It seemed to me that the students were being taught how to think about women's position in society--that they were being taught to see women as victims--and that bugged me.

Next, I was ushered to the human resources guy. I wasn't very impressed by the benefits--especially about the security of those benefits, which seemed doubtful. There was a lovely tall tree--spruce?--a northwestern cypress of sorts--outside of his office, and the wind howled around the buildings. He was a pleasant guy, and I was learning a little about the demographics of the campus--not many young families--when my escort came. One small thing that contributed to my overall bad impression happened here. When I bought the plane ticket, I was told that if I sent a receipt, which I did immediately, they would have a check waiting for me when I got there. Once I was there, I was told to speak directly to the HR guy about my refund. The info I had sent had not been processed. Nothing was handled by the department. It was up to me.

My next stop was the president of the university.

I'll continue from here tomorrow.

The Catholic College Dilemma, contd.

I have been doing a lot more thinking about what it means to teach at a Catholic college, investigation into the particular Catholic college, reading about the faculty, and consulting with friends. All in all, my reactions are mixed. I think that the academic opportunities at this particular school are wonderful. It seems likely to me that my husband, with two M.A.s, would be more likely to find a tenure track position at this school than most others, which is not a consideration to be taken lightly. The city is more than I could hope for in terms of size, safety, affordability, and education. Everything points in the direction of my going there. Plus, they seem to like me so far. All good. So I have wondered, if everything is so nicely lined up, does this perhaps signal that this is a good place for me? That perhaps, just in being a practicing Catholic faculty member, I might be doing some good? I definitely made reference to my faith in my letter, so they know. The phrase I used was "faithful, practicing Catholic," which is certainly what I try to be. It is possible that they are actively looking to recruit Catholic faculty members, as John Paul II recommends in Ex Corde Ecclesia. The school is in the process of a massive academic restructuring, and some of their recent administrative changes suggest a move to a more conservative vision of Catholicism--one that does not, for example, engage students with questions of whether humans are unique in creation, whether God can be conceived of as female, or whether homosexual acts are, indeed morally wrong, without stating that the courses stress a Roman Catholic perspective. Such courses, in the nature of their questioning, seem designed to undermine faith in the Church's moral teaching and ultimately to encourage questioning of the Church's authority.

That there is an atmosphere of change seems positive to me. That the school that an upper administrator left is now commended by the Newman society seems positive to me. The Newman society is a little wacky, but they do stand for orthodoxy. As for myself, in thinking about all of this I have decided that a multiplicity of voices can and should be represented in the curriculum of a Catholic college or university--as with any college or university--but should not be presented in a way that deliberately undermines Catholic Church teaching. Inquiry and orthodoxy can go hand in hand. Indeed, one of my initial attractions to Catholicism was that it does emphasize learning and inquiry, questioning and pursuit of answers. But to be Catholic is to acknowledge that there is such a thing as Truth, and to trust that the Church has the authority to guide the faithful toward that Truth. We may question, we may struggle, but if we don't ultimately acknowledge that authority, we are not Catholic, but dissenters. There is a considerable amount of misunderstanding on this topic, and about what makes a Catholic Catholic. If one disagrees on fundamental matters, then one is not in communion with the Church. If you don't want central authority, you don't become Catholic.

So I have some good feelings about the position.

But there's the overall atmosphere of the university, which I had partially reconciled, or put on hold for further evaluation, and then there's the climate of the department. A very, very small department. At least two are activists. Possibly three. Different issues; some I can rationalize better than others. Any English department I enter will contain some people with whom I am at odds politically. But that's life, and not really a problem. I don't really have a cause--unless you consider orthodoxy at Catholic colleges a cause. I've got some thoughts on genetically modified foods and vaccines. And parents rights in their children's education. And I tend to be outspoken about promoting a culture of life. But I'm not an activist, by any definition, though I do use my writing to support my perspectives about these issues. Similarly, one of the faculty members at the college uses her writing to promote her perspectives. Specifically, she uses her fiction to portray, dramatize, and promote (casually, I might add) lifestyle choices that are in direct opposition to Church teaching. She was raised Roman Catholic, but clearly rejects Church teaching, at least on a matter or two. It is entirely possible that we will get along just fine. At another university, it would be a non-issue. But I wonder--how would it be for me to consider joining a department, being her colleague, saying, yes, I will uphold the school's Catholic identity, and take an office down the hall from someone whose novels oppose Catholic sexual morality? How would I, as a new faculty member, be implicated, if at all, by joining a department at a Catholic college that awards tenure to members whose creative output contradicts Church teaching? Does it matter that it is a social question rather than a theological question? Does it matter to me at all, since I did not hire her? It might. Or it might not. It might simply be a question of the climate of the university, and who knows how that might change with new hires in the next 5 years? To clarify, this is not about the person, but about her choice to set up shop at a Catholic college. It is also about the department's decision to hire her given her own social agenda. I think this kind of thing would be a non-issue to the religious order that founded the college. Their priorities are social justice and feminism--including increasing women's roles within the Church. One of their number wrote a book that recommends praying to God in a female persona. But she doesn't teach in the college. Not sure where in the U.S. she is.

So no conclusions--not yet. Just more questions.

Parents, Teacher, Students, Values, and Censorship

I'm pretty sure I need to bid farewell to children's literature. Teaching it to undergrads becomes a problem for me when what the text is doing is second to how the text is used in the classroom, and when the text's purpose--that is, how it wants the reader to respond to it--conflicts with my values as a parent. Especially since all they ever want to talk about is the text's usefulness for talking about something other than the text.

Over and over again, I see and hear discussions of who has a right--and it is always discussed in terms of rights--to decide what is taught in the classroom. On the one hand, I teach books, so I uphold my own right to decide this. But I have a degree in my subject field--not an education degree--and I teach literature, not "opening children's minds to the reality of life" and "encouraging children to actively question the values of their parents," which is apparently the goal of reading and literature classes on the elementary, middle, and high school levels. I wonder to myself when "intellectually challenging" became conflated with "controversial" or "socially and politically relevant"--there does not seem to be much distinction. This must mean that Shakespeare, Dante, and Homer are no longer intellectually challenging, and no teenager is going to get as much of a thrill from Grendel's mother, Ophelia's death, or the Cyclops's eye as from some hot, steamy sex scene in a third-rate historical novel. That's not dumbing down the curriculum, apparently, that's making it "relevant." Did you know that a rape scene automatically makes a text "relevant"? It's true. So romance-novel readers rejoice.

Yes, this is a rant, in part. Because "censorship" is a term that is bantered about irresponsibly. Am I in favor of censorship? No. Am I afraid to expose my child to challenging topics? No. Do I think I know better than the average teacher of elementary, middle, or high school what is appropriate and challenging for my child's grade level? Um. . . Yes. But that's beside the point, really.

I have a few major concerns about the selection of books for gradeschool curricula:

1. First, the idea that to get students "interested" you have to have something that's forbidden in some way, or something that ties DIRECTLY into some contemporary "issue" that we're all supposed to care about.
2. Second, the idea that because kids "will be exposed to this anyway," teachers are obligated or justified in making it the subject of class discussion, analysis, and inquiry.
3. The idea that kids "can handle it." Kids can handle a lot. They are resilient. Does that mean we need to thrust it upon them?
4. The notion that parents want to limit children to their own (parents' own) values and thereby prevent children from figuring things out for themselves.

The last is by far the most significant. I actually saw it stated in exactly that way in a children's lit textbook geared for education majors as an answer to why books are challenged or censored. It represents the extreme arrogance of teachers and education majors in dealing with parents and children. It shows a disregard for the parent as well as the child. The child, this suggests, should intentionally be sent mixed messages so that s/he can, from a relative "blank slate" position, build up his/her own worldview from the pieces. How can that be a good thing? As parents, if we do not monitor our children, know what they are reading, how they are getting along in school, then we are bad and uninvolved, and have no room to complain. But if we foster in them a certain way of viewing the world around them, and wish for them to understand the world from the position of our own values first, while they are young and open to our instruction, before they evaluate these values from the vantage point of greater personal experience, we are also bad.

I don't want to keep them sheltered from the world, but I do want to give them a solid foundation without someone presenting a worldview that is contrary and asserting it over the one I struggle to instill. Exposure to ideas is one thing; asserting certain ideas over others is something else. So much has to do with the context in which something is introduced. And since I can't control the context in which a teacher presents something, and since at-home "damage control" pits me against the teacher and invites my child to take sides, I would like to have some consideration shown to me and my RIGHT to instill my values in my child when the teacher is selecting the books to be taught in a class. There is plenty of room for challenging, stimulating material without pissing off the parents. I see nothing wrong with parents suggesting that a book be substituted for another, depending on the book and the context. If I were teaching a book that fictionalized and dramatized aspects of Pope John Paul II's Theology of the Body at a public high school, would I be subject to censorship? How about if I taught a novel about a boy who struggled with his impulses toward homosexuality, only to decide on chastity, convert to Catholicism, and become a priest? Surely, this would not be tolerated in a public school. I would venture to say that such a book would be called dangerous and hate-filled. Such things will never *be* presented as alternate views. But why should the assumption of casual sex be touted as exposure to multiple viewpoints? I see no multiple voices. Only the reinforcement of the messages from society, media, advertising. Somehow, these are not questioned. Secular does not equal sexual. The sex lives of young people are fetishized by the media, the publishing industry, and teachers.

But I'm not sure this is really about sex for me. It's just the easiest way to talk about it. It's about teachers' disrespect for parents. Why should a parent's theoretical/anticipated position on curricula be demeaned in a textbook? And why should a teacher's worldview or talentless, lame attempt to stimulate discussion through shock be labeled as progressive and enlightened? And what is it about children that makes teachers want to "expose them to life"? Experience is lived for a reason. Context often dictates what we must do in response to a situation, and how we must cope. Books can help with this. Until the books are used to dictate a correct, "valid" response for everyone. Or to directly contradict certain ways of living life. Or to promote certain lifestyle choices as preferable to others. Then, we might have issues. And I might ask that you reconsider your syllabus. Because then it's about your agenda, not my child's mental development. When they turn 18 or enter college (whichever comes first), then challenge them to think about what they believe. I should have done my job by then. But make sure you respect them even then, if the answers they give are intelligent and well-reasoned.

And in the meantime, tell me. . . Why are rape and (pre-)teen sex more "relevant" than cultural concepts of hospitality? Death and dying? The individual in society? Human pursuit of the divine?

Catholic Colleges and Orthodoxy

Because the job search wasn't complex enough. . .

I'm starting to think that I have no business applying to Catholic colleges, since one of my concerns is orthodoxy--actual adherence to the Church's teaching, broadly conceived. What kind of battles will I be in for if I go to a school that violates or disregards Church teaching on life issues, ordination of women, and even questions whether it is just to exclude non-Catholics from the Eucharist? Matters of conscience even get tricky at a secular, state school; how much more so if the administration of a Catholic college where I worked were to promote an agenda opposed to Church teaching? And yet, I interview by phone tomorrow with a college that was founded by an order that ABSOLUTELY supports women's ordination. Campus ministry reluctantly acts according to the will of the local bishop in refusing Communion to non-Catholics (not the Vatican, you will notice). I even emailed for clarification on this point, and the tone was one of remorse and sad disagreement. I have no idea how this would influence the tenor of the English department, except that the faculty members list the subjects about which they will willingly be interviewed by the press on their web pages--yes, that's ENGLISH faculty, people. Yet they're hiring for a position that would, essentially, oversee the school's orthodoxy, including screening new hires for willingness to adhere to the school's mission, uphold Catholic identity, etc. This person does not have to be a practicing Catholic.

What to do??

Christian Parents and Pre-Teen Guides to Sex

I've been in hibernation lately, I know. I do spend more time than I should online, but as I've mentioned before, I'm trying to limit myself to the sort of fleeting thoughts that lend themselves to Facebook status updates, and channel the complex meditative asides into something that might pass as academically productive. We'll see how that works out.

[For fear of Google, I have comment moderation on]

Recently, however, we encountered some issues with my son (now 12) that necessitated the opening of a pretty weighty subject--how to address topics related to sexuality in an informative, sex-positive, yet Catholic Christian context. And, well, I want him to have a book or books to turn to when curiosity arises and he doesn't necessarily feel like getting a parental lecture--because too often, I think, we give too much information and bore the heck out of him, truthfully. . . So while we are open to questions, and correct misperceptions or misbehavior, explain when necessary, I think a good book is a good thing to have. But where to go? He's younger than the target age for the Theology of the Body for Teens resources, and most of the Catholic resources that I've seen for younger ages address the spiritual aspects of where babies come from, and feelings of love, etc. Basically, I wasn't finding much actual information about anatomy, biological functions, adolescence--you know, the basics! Perhaps I wasn't looking in the right places, but I'm pretty good at looking, and I wasn't finding. So I looked at the mainstream/secular resources, which of course, went in the opposite direction.

I believe that even if I *wanted* to affirm, promote, and emphasize use of birth control, as I would have at one point but do not now, I would still think that 12 is too young. He knows that birth control exists. Last year, he asked me whether there was a kind of medicine that a woman could take to prevent her from having a baby. I said yes, there was, and explained the Church's position on contraception in basic terms. At this stage, I don't want a book that details the various methods of contraception, though I am not--by any means--opposed to his learning about them. I will, of course, let him know our beliefs and the reason for those beliefs when the subject arises. He will make his decisions based on the information and moral guidance that we give to him, without the information being omitted.

The non-religious reference books on sexuality for youth that I found biologically informative and generally well-written also introduced and affirmed every type of sexual practice and lifestyle choice without any reference to the fact that not all lifestyle choices are condoned by all religions or *gasp!* parents. The books made it clear that these are exclusively personal matters and constructed implied child reader as independent from the beliefs and wishes of his/her parents. Basically, they provided an initiation into the happy utopia of adult sexuality. Ugh! You have no responsibility to anyone but yourself, so use protection and follow your impulses. Ugh! There was some stuff for girls about not being taken advantage of, some advice to empower girls to say no, but the overall message was that yes was good, too. Hence, the religious objection to sex ed: it not only provides information, it presents a certain world view and attitude toward sexuality that is largely self-serving and does not acknowledge that there may be other contexts for understanding human sexuality. This was not my experience of sex education, and I believe that this is because the average teacher of biology is not necessarily comfortable with promoting sexual practices to pre-teens or teens. There are, of course, exceptions, as the famous "condom-on-a-banana" anecdotes demonstrate. "Health" teachers might be a little more suspect. . .

So I admit that I do want to avoid the "You Might Be Gay--and It's Okay!" chapters. First, because however early homosexual feelings do appear, to confront and affirm them too early may lead to reckless lifestyle choices that are not informed by the wisdom and maturity of age. I would have scoffed to hear myself say such things when I was 17 (and a sophomore in college), but I can look back and see how my attitudes toward sexuality, which I developed largely on my own, matured over many years. Second, I want the Catholic version, that says, "You might be gay, and it's okay, because that's how God made you; but understand that the Church teaches that homosexual acts are inherently sinful, and you are called as a Catholic Christian to live according to this teaching. It may be that this is your cross to bear, and that you are called to a celibate life, and a life of service to others. This may be your special calling." I know it's unpopular. I have friends who are openly gay and live homosexual lifestyles, and they are dear friends, and I love them, but I have to acknowledge the teaching of my faith--which they do not share--in the instruction of my children, and my faith says that ALL lustful inclinations, ALL intercourse outside of the sanctity of marriage, and even some intercourse within the sanctity of marriage, is sinful. Men who aren't married, women who aren't married, homosexual and heterosexual--all are called to celibacy. Meanwhile, ALL people are called to chastity. It's a hard thing, so please don't blame me for it. I understand it and accept it, and will teach it to my children, as I am called to do.

Point is, of course, you're not going to find a book that says any of this. And with the Christian books, it's difficult to find a book that presents Christian teaching on alternative lifestyles sympathetically. Because taking something as a matter of faith, accepting and promoting an unpopular, politically incorrect teaching about sexuality, does not mean that you have to bulldoze through it and dismiss the feelings of those most intimately affected by the teaching. It does not mean that at all. So the book that had a table of contents arranged by "Thou Shall Nots"?--Uh uh. Not for me.

But, I did find some good books--two, to be exact. I apologize for making you read to the end of this to discover what they were. First, there was the "icebreaker"--the funny book, and to date, the only one of the two that my son has read (that he's admitted, anyway). It is called Lintball Leo's Not-so-Stupid Questions about Your Body. Published by ZonderKids, it is specifically geared towards boys, but there is one for girls, which I found first, and thought, "I wish there was one like this for boys!" and then looked on the next shelf. It provides information, does not insult the intelligence, does not preach, but does couch the physical, biological, and social questions that accompany puberty in a context that acknowledges nondenominational belief in God. Any divergences from Catholic teaching are very, very small--for example, it doesn't necessarily say that masturbation is a sin, but it does say that masturbation could become a part of sinful behavior or behavior patterns. The parent's objection to this statement could vary one way or another.

The second book I found had more information about sex--it read more like the mainstream sex ed books for teens/pre-teens in terms of what topics it covered, albeit from a Christian perspective. Again, I did not find the Christianity too prohibitive (that is, prohibitive in terms of "thou shall nots"), but do consider that I was looking for a minimally didactic book explaining sexuality within a Christian context. The book is titled, Sex and the New You, and is part of the Learning About Sex series published by Concordia Publishing House that is intended for children in various stages of curiosity about their bodies. The particular title I purchased is "For Young Men ages 13-15"--again, gender specific. There is a girls' version, and the difference is in the anatomical and social emphases. Each gender's version has a chapter relating to the anatomical features of and changes being experienced by the other, so the chapter "About Girls and Women" discussed female anatomy including menstruation--and has a drawing of a naked lady, to boot! And the glossary includes "clitoris"! ;) Emphasis is on respecting the bodies of others as well as yourself. I picked the age 13-15 volume because the younger volume was mostly centered on reproduction, and that was not the issue at hand. We were ready for a more mature set of subjects. But there is even a volume for ages 4-6, in picture book format, though I only noted it with passing interest. They are marketed as part of a home school or Christian school curriculum, or for individual use. The use of Bible verses was more extensive, but very tastefully done. I was less impressed with the title that was one "stage" down (all about reproduction), but each book has a different author, and it may well have been because it was not what I was looking for at the time. Still, I debated before choosing one over the other. Very occasionally, I disagree with generalizations about gender roles, but in general this is handled very well. The chapter on differences between men and women emphasizes that physical differences do not dictate differences in ability.

So that was a learning experience for me a couple of weeks ago, and hopefully yielded some information that will be helpful to others--and maybe I also provided some insight into what concerns Christian parents have about teaching sex ed to their kids. ;)