Finding Inner Strength. . . If you can call it that!

I've been struggling for some time now (since I discovered that I was pregnant, truthfully) with the prospect of labor. Having had the same scenario play out with both pregnancies so far--membranes rupture or leak, admitted to hospital, no contractions, can't stimulate contractions, pitocin administered, pain unbearable, epidural, wait the requisite amount of time, baby!--I fear the same scenario will occur again, but I also fear the possibility that the same scenario will NOT play out again, and that I simply won't be able to cope with labor. From the beginning I had moments of panic--they went away, but are resurfacing--and I feel that I am just not up to this challenge. Now, I am a very determined person. For me to so completely lack personal resolve--or to waver the way I have been--and to have the urge simply to cave in without a fight is totally uncharacteristic and deeply disturbing. And the reason I say "cave in without a fight" is because truly, I do believe that natural childbirth is my preferred option. But my mind keeps telling me, "I just can't. . ." With the other two pregnancies, I always felt that I could muster up the strength when I needed to. This time, I guess I still think that deep inside, but since I know I don't really have to--that is, that medical intervention is waiting for me to wimp out--I just focus on the fear and the memories of the last time and conclude that I'm not up to the challenge. Sad.

So I am enrolled in "Active Childbirth" classes--or something--currently, which is the closest to real Lamaze that is offered in this area. Actually, it rather skips the patterned breathing of Lamaze, instead focusing on deep breathing and focused relaxation, very much like yoga, so I'm pretty much in tune with it there. My problem is that watching births and hearing about certain stages of labor--Transition in particular--fills me with such deep anxiety that I REALLY NEED the focused relaxation by the end of the class. I take this as a really bad sign. When we discussed Transition on Monday night, I really had a hard time because Transition is the stage of "natural" labor that most resembles (emotionally and physically) the experience of intense, no-epidural pitocin-contractions, at least in my experience. Especially the feeling of not being able to cope. Yes, pitocin is perpetual Transition. I just had to write that because of the oxymoron.

Last night I asked my husband if it seemed defeatist just to resolve to go as long as I can naturally. He didn't think so. That resolve alone lifted a burden, although I have never said definitively that I would refuse the epidural at all costs, not even with previous pregnancies.

But today, I think I may have discovered a source of determination. I think it was there on the first night of classes, but it went away. And that source of determination is from the depths of my ornery being: I find strength in resolving to fight others. This is not something I'm particularly proud of, but hey, if it works. . . So in thinking about writing the birth plan and fighting for my rights with the hospital staff, I find a kind of inner strength. Not a peaceful inner strength, but it's something to build on, I guess!