Physical Therapy and Anxiety

 On Friday I had my second day of physical therapy, and the first that was actually physical. I realized how little I knew what to expect. I saw the large gym-like room beyond the normal doctor's office exam rooms, but I didn't consider what that would mean. I also didn't realize that physical therapy would be a weekly thing for me. After all, I wasn't injured!

So I had two appointments last week. Nothing for this week yet; appointments are tight. I was called about an opening on Monday--so Tuesday, Friday, and then Monday. I turned it down, primarily because I do in fact have something that I need to get done for work. But it also seemed very soon to have another. How does Friday to Monday count as "weekly"? I also cancelled two other appointments for this coming week--a podiatry appointment for my recurring ankle pain, and a well visit I had made for my youngest. I am simply not comfortable going to the doctor's office (which is part of a hospital complex) so often. As it is, I have allergy symptoms (well, I think and hope they are allergy symptoms!) that are making we anxious. They are not uncommon symptoms, even for me, but while last year they could be dismissed as not Covid--particularly since I hadn't been anywhere in the outside world--this year, the symptoms of Covid are different because of the Delta variant, and the rationale that symptoms would be worse if it was Covid is also not one that I can fall back on, because I'm vaccinated. So: anxiety.

Where have I been lately, since I've been "out in the world," you ask? Nowhere much. Work: I'm only on site about 20 hours a week. Grocery stores: sparingly. Most of the time, we use curbside. I love knowing that I have those hours that I would otherwise be spending in stores back in my life. And doctor's appointments. And that's it. My children are enrolled in a virtual school, which is working out very well, and they don't have to deal with all of the incredible stupidity that accompanies in-person school or the additional stupidity of mask controversy and confrontation. My husband is working full-time on site, but the staff is still being cautious and the number of patrons is limited. Literally, the riskiest thing I do is go to the doctor, where sick people go.

So PT day 2: I was actually engaged in therapy. First, I was put onto a very cool recumbent elliptical machine. I want one. Then I was moved to a padded table for some exercises and some continued evaluation. One of the things that came to light is that my left hip was an inch or so lower than my right. So the therapist pulled the right leg so that the hips were even. For the rest of the day, I admit that I felt a bit uneven. Kind of like this:

I emerged from the appointment with some new exercises to do in addition to the reverse clamshell and pelvic tilt from the first appointment. These was a hip abduction--basically, a very familiar sidelying leg-lift--and two that were less familiar, a sidelying leg lift that is done from an L-shaped angle. Literally the only image I can find of this is a still from Buns of Steel, on this blog. The other is what I like to think of as a "reverse figure-4." It's the opposite of what I am usually told to do in videos and classes--to cross one ankle over the other leg and push down. This is a "piriformis stretch modified 3," and I need to cross one ankle over the other leg and pull forward. A very different sensation!

In addition to the revelation that my hips were uneven, it was a revelation to me that engaging your core muscles doesn't always mean engaging them inward, which is what pilates teaches: as if your bellybutton is being pulled from behind you by a string. Instead, I was told to laugh--which engages the muscles outward--and keep that engagement. This is more like what I've found happens during weightlifting, for example, during a deadlift.

And then I learned that my hip doesn't have to pop! When I mention my popping hips to doctors, the response is something like "Yeah, that can happen." The impression I have been given is that this disconcerting feeling is simply in the range of normal, probably (by implication) because of my age, or just because that's how some people are made. The physical therapist, on the other hand, is actively trying to minimize or eliminate the pop that occurs when I raise and lower my leg, or when I try rowing. And this, to me, is absolutely amazing. If we could work on the crunching feeling in my back, I would be most grateful!

But I'm concerned about going back. As I mentioned earlier, the appointments are frequent. We're still in a pandemic, and local numbers are going up every week--particularly with the return of college students. The physical therapy room is large, but there were at least 5-6 other patients, and 3-4 physical therapists. We were all masked, but my therapist was literally inches from me. And this, right now, doesn't quite feel okay. I have put in an email to my primary physical therapist; hopefully she will have some reassurances. Until then,

Cheers!

New Blog Announcement: The Reluctant Romance Reader

 Today I launched a new blog: The Reluctant Romance Reader. It will be a focused, but meandering book review-type blog. Head over and check it out if you're curious!

Cheers!

Literacy-chic

Physical Therapy Day 1

Today marks a new kind of experience for me: physical therapy. I have increasingly become more comfortable with medical evaluations. This is something I have worked up to slowly, because certain phrases ("I'll refer you to a cardiologist," or "Unless you want to consider physical therapy") just signaled something far more serious than what I was experiencing. Cardiology is for people with heart problems, not people who can't find the right blood pressure med. And physical therapy is for people who have been injured. And maybe this is still getting used to the world of good health insurance, which I have, courtesy of my employer, who also mandates an annual "wellness visit" calculated to make me a hypochondriac. I'm learning to get over that, as well.

The Problem

The problem is joint pain. I can trace it back to at least 2017, maybe further back than that. I have gone to the doctor repeatedly for back pain, rib pain, hip pain, pain behind my knee, ankle pain... But the hip and the back pain are the most consistent over the years, and the hip pain in particular is the most limiting. I have learned some things over the course of Googling, since anything that's unexplained and non-life-threatening remains a medical mystery until you're referred to a specialist (i.e. - until it's that bad). One thing is that outer hip pain and inner hip pain are different. Inner hip pain is about joints. Outer hip pain is about ligaments. This is important, because outer hip pain can't be osteoarthritis. 

Another thing is that most adults can't bend over and put their palms flat on the floor. Huh. If you can, then something in your back/hip area is hyper-mobile, and when you stretch to the point that it's a little bit painful because it feels good, that's not good. Here is the web site that gave me a breakthrough or two; there's a lot of postpartum/pelvic floor/etc. information, and it's focused on women-specific anatomical issues (a great thing!), so a lot of it isn't what I was looking for, but there's a free course about hips. While I didn't really do the program, the pre-course 'evaluate your flexibility' segment gave me an 'aha!' moment, and I immediately tried to STOP over-extending when I exercise. This has helped some. 

Not long before I discovered this, I sent a message to my doctor in despair--everything hurts, all the time. I had had several days of just being sore, and not muscle soreness, even though it was from exercise. I had been trying since June to be more active, and participating in a 'Hinge Health' program to help my hip pain for several months before that. But in June, I proposed to my husband that we start getting up at 6:30 a.m. and taking walks. The primary objective was to get his A1C in a range that was acceptable to his doctor and avoid medication.

We started with the neighborhood, but the pavement is very uneven. We moved to a nearby 1/3 mile track to even things out. Still, the first two times I walked that mile, I was imagining myself with a walker. That is how bad the pain was. I already had good shoes, but some internet searching told me that more arch support would help. Not wanting to replace a pricey pair of tennies, I opted instead for fancy shmancy insoles from our local  upscale/earthy/orthopedic shoe store (you know the type). They helped immensely! After the walks, I would do my hip exercises from the app/program, but more and more, this seemed not to be a good idea. As the day wore on, I was just... sore. Hence the email to the doctor.

While I was waiting for the physical therapy appointment, I tried a couple of other things. I dialed back all other exercise, consciously trying not to extend my joints to their limits. I also bought a compression band to wear around my hips when we walk. And after our walks, when we're heading the few blocks home in the car, the seat warmers are wonderful. These things seemed to help. But as short-term solutions. (Actually, I need to ask the physical therapist if the band is still okay. The seat warmer is fine.)

The Appointment

The appointment went very well. Doctor visits often frustrate me because I want explanations. And instead I get something like, "Well, if that hurts, don't do that." (Exaggerating--mostly it's "maybe these exercises will help what we kind of think you might be talking about?" Which isn't better, really.) But the physical therapist actually knows what can cause pain. In my case, it looks like certain muscles are weak, and other muscles are doing more than their fair share of the work of movement, which is putting strain on ligaments. Also, I do seem to be hyper-mobile in some areas in my back. So I have been on the right track. The beauty is that she can pinpoint areas that need strengthening and tell me what exercises to do to strengthen those areas.

After chatting with me for a while, she evaluated my flexibility, having me bend forward and back, asking me where there might be pain. (Another issue I often have with normal doctor appointments is that by the time I get to the doctor, the specific pain is not there. This wasn't a problem at the PT appointment. They can evaluate without the pain being present.) I did some heel lifts, standing, raising up on my toes, one leg at a time. Then, she evaluated strength--having me trying to hold a position when she pressed down: knees lifted, leg extended, then a "clamshell" position, then "reverse" clamshell. The reverse clamshell turned into one of my first exercises. She evaluated my hip flexibility--which, she confirmed, is not a problem for me.

After the Visit

I came home and changed. (I wasn't sure what to wear, so I wore capri jeans and brought knit shorts--good call on the shorts!) Then... I stayed. I can work from home, so I did. Because I am sore. Not terribly so. But wait--I took Advil! So... yeah. Still, not terribly so. Heaviness in my joints. Tiredness. Better to be home where heat can be applied if needed. But hopeful.

A Theory

I have a sneaky suspicion that hormones might be compounding my hip (and rib) issues. I know that when I was (very briefly) pregnant last January, my hips were immediately affected. Lying on my side was already painful, and I dreaded the thought of 9 months of that. When the pregnancy ended and the hormones leveled out, that level of pain went away. I haven't mapped my hip pain to my menstrual cycle, but I wonder if there might be some correlation. I did read that joint pain was a little-discussed symptom of perimenopause, and while I'm missing some of the most obvious markers, there are some other suspicious symptoms that might be explained by hormones. Without hot flashes, though, no one listens. (To be fair, I used to wake up very uncomfortably warm in the middle of the night, but since taking Vitamin E for breast pain, that seems to have stopped...)

But anyway, that's where I am for today. In a good place, I think.

Cheers!

___

Disclaimer: None of the links I post are monetized. I just want to share.

Who am I?

 Here I am at the beginning of another blog reboot, this time returning to my roots. Sort of. It's hard, after all, to return to a mindset and sense of purpose (or a place where you didn't need a sense of purpose) after, oh... 14 years. I actually had to look that up--it feels much longer. But I am returning to my first blog. It feels appropriate, once again, to write under the label of "Words, Words" rather than trying to define myself more specifically. I may still branch off a little. I've picked up a bit of a romance novel habit that some of my blog friends may not be interested in--nay, may find distasteful. And "Booknotes from Literacy-chic," which I intend to keep up, doesn't quite feel like the right place, either. But I'll probably keep this as the hub. In the meantime, I rolled another blog that never really got off the ground, but had some interesting snapshots from a former workplace, into this one. I've decided that I was compartmentalizing a bit too much. It's not really who I am.

"Who am I?" indeed.

Identity is a strange question, isn't it? Much stranger than when I first started blogging in January 2007. I'm not really here to introduce myself, rather, I want to sort through the things that make up my life right now, in 2021.

Things that are the same (but different), in alphabetical order:

• Catholicism

I am still Catholic. Of course. But I am not the fresh convert that I once was, working to arrange my life according to Church teachings. Surprise! Do Church teachings still exercise influence in my life? Of course. Are these influences as powerful and compelling as they used to be? Sadly, no. This is perhaps for the better, since I don't argue and agonize about them as I once did. But my Catholic faith is still an important part of who I am. At least, I think so. These days I mainly concern myself with what parishes are not doing to prevent the spread of COVID-19, and our mass attendance is through YouTube.

• Family

Need it be said? Family is still one of the most important things to me. My oldest, now 24, is still at home, and we love this. He's completing his B.A. this year after a challenging educational journey that has more to do with finances than anything. He is also working alongside me at my workplace, but I don't expect to say much about that. My two daughters, 13 and 15, are in 8th and 11th grade, respectively. Last Spring (2020) they went online by mandate, and in 2020-2021, we found one of the best online schools in the country and decided to stick with it for 2021-2022. I have a husband with a solid academic career in libraries that I alternately support and resent, mostly at the same time. But I'm proud of him and I love him and I'm so happy that I have him. We're coming up to our 25th wedding anniversary next year. I still have a mother and brother who I worry about, and 4 other siblings with whom I have limited contact--in one case more, in another case, none at all.

• Reading

Books are still a large part of my life. What I read has shifted drastically as well as, shall we say, how I use books. There's a lot more escapist reading and a lot less literary snobbery in my life, although I am still particular, and selective. I still post to my Booknotes blog occasionally, when something strikes me, but less analytical posts may wind up here. I may also start a romance reading blog.

• Sewing

I still sew when the mood takes me. I made some masks. I make clothing sometimes with variable success. I started a blog long ago that I thought would be devoted to sewing, but working through frustrations with patterns publicly just didn't seem the best use of my time. I may post about sewing here sometimes. We'll see.

• Writing

This may also go without being said? I come back to writing at times. It never leaves me, though sometimes I leave it for a time. I was writing a dissertation when I started (except that I had to give up blogging for Lent in order to actually finish the dissertation). Now, I have a book project that I'm not working on. The more things change...

Things that are new:

• Academia

Academia is not a part of my life. This is new. I may still have some thoughts on it from time to time, but I am out, and besides the resentment that it had to be like this, I am fine with it. It is no longer a place where I feel I belong.

• Art

In short, I do more of it now! Not currently, but periodically. It started with Inktober, which I'm not linking to for reasons. I don't need controversy, and I don't actually care about other people's angst on the topic; it was a neat idea. I wound up rediscovering (in 2015, if memory serves) that I can draw fairly well, and I enjoy doing so. When I was out of work in 2018-19, I developed a comic. A small sampling of the comic and my most recent partial Inktober efforts can be found here. Well, that's embarrassing. It seems that the posts I had scheduled to roll out one by one did not. <<cue mass posting>>

• COVID-19

This is a part of who everyone is these days, isn't it? I don't know that I'll have a lot to say about it, but who knows? My girls are in an online school; our workplaces are operating as conservatively as possible. My son will have to attend classes in person, but he will be masked and is vaccinated, as we all are. We all still have our fears and anxieties, but we're coping so far.

•  Crochet

Crochet is my "lockdown skill." I had a grandmother and an aunt who did (very different) crochet, and last year, 2nd daughter and I taught ourselves. My house now has a lot more yarn.

• Exercise

Okay, one of my first ever blog posts was about yoga, and the blog I merged with this one had a post about exercise, but maybe it wasn't a huge part of my life and blog in the past. It is now. Mainly because it has to be. Which brings us to...

• Health

Oh, where to begin? Some of this was already surfacing with the "rolled in" blog. I need to be aware of blood pressure and cholesterol, the former is currently under control to good effect and after much trial and error. I'm wondering whether some things I'm experiencing signal perimenopause. I have some issues with my joints--outer hips, lower back, right ankle--and a lot of anxiety about health issues. My husband has issues with blood pressure (under control), cholesterol (not), and blood sugar (with type-2 diabetes in the family and a "get the numbers down" kind of ultimatum). The kids are fine, but could be more active, particularly being at home more.

• (No More) Babies 

My early blogging days were filled with pregnancy and breastfeeding and other concerns related to babies. These experiences are no longer part of my life. For a few brief weeks in January 2020, we thought there might be another baby. This was not to be. Given the events of the year and my anxiety about the whole thing, this is probably for the best. There's a brief reflection on the experience here. I may make reference to this happening some time. 

• Pens and Inks

While it is true that I have used fountain pens sporadically over the past 20 years or so, this is a hobby/practice that blossomed during the pandemic with my discovery of the wonders of shimmery ink! It is very possible that I may write about this in the future.

• Publishing

Publishing is part of my life because it's my job. I have a book contract, but I'm not currently working on the book. Maybe that part of publishing will resurface in my life. 

• Teaching Certification

This is something I'm seriously considering. So seriously that I've submitted an application to a post-baccalaureate certification program, which will have part of its tuition covered because of my employment with the university. I'm not sure teaching high school will be feasible or enjoyable. But it's an option, and options are important.

• Television

I usually don't include TV in my blogging. I don't watch what anyone else watches. But the shows I do watch, I've been really captivated by. They might pop up. They include:

• The Secret History of the British Garden with Monty Don
• Hidden Villages with Penelope Keith
• Penelope Keith's Village of the Year
• Wartime Farm
• Edwardian Farm
• Tudor Farm
• Victorian Farm
• Wainwright Walks

If I ever make it to England for a holiday, I will almost certainly not visit the urban centers.

• Work

Work has been a problem. It wasn't such a problem when I started, mainly because I was a graduate student who only had to worry about one class at a time--if that--in addition to whatever scholarship I was supposed to be working on. Kind of changes things to have to work full time, you know? But the blog that I recently merged with this one was a real attempt to come to terms with the kind of work I was doing (technology training) in relation to the kind of work I was trained to do (academic teaching and scholarship). The blog didn't last and neither did the career. What did last was the sense of dissatisfaction, and, at times, utter despair. Jealousy--that my husband has the more interesting job where he is respected, where he learns things and talks about intellectual things, and my knowledge that it can also be a complete pain and inconvenience for all of us: these are all included, too. My blog posts have never concealed my deficits. Usually, I reveal them in painful detail. And my relationship to my work and to his work is an area that is... fraught. 

• Word Limits?

I don't have one in mind, but I'm putting this out there. A few limitations might help me to actually post regularly, and might prevent people from being bored before the end.

So if not who I am, this is where I am. The earlier question is something I'm trying to work out all the time.

Cheers!