I Wimped Out and a Pregnancy Retrospective

Actually, the phrase "cop out" comes to mind. I have been feeling guilty about taking the baby out, which I've done a few times (which is a few times more than I'm comfortable with). So did I spend my time at home with my baby? Well, no. But I didn't go to the talk, either. After taking her out yesterday and trying out the sling, I decided I needed more practice with it before using it ANYWHERE. She cried when I was putting her in it! She didn't do that the first time I tried, though she is a few days older and more aware of things now than she was the first time. I am a failure with slings & things overall, but I am determined to make one work! And then there's the nursing--while she nurses extremely well, her nursing habits are not yet well-formed, if that makes sense, so I never know when she will fall asleep, when she's really finished, when she will start to fuss again, etc. So I thought that maybe this would be rushing it a bit. Convinced? Well, all of these things were factors. But perhaps I realized, too, that it really wasn't how I wanted to spend my afternoon. I wanted to listen to the talk & participate (although I did NOT feel like doing anything academic last night--I was a bit hormonal, truth be told, and had had a day with a lot of emotional ups & downs). However, I'm enjoying having all of my family around right now (husband, two daughters, son when he's not at school). So while I'm finding myself positively climbing the walls because I want to go places & do things (and NOT rest!!), I don't necessarily want to do them alone. And I want to do important things like shop for strollers, not frivolous things like attending academic talks! (Priorities, priorities)

So these weeks are proving difficult for me, NOT because I am feeling so bad and suffering from lack of sleep, but because I am feeling so good. The curse of a quick recovery is that you want to go back to the things you were doing before, NOW--not later. In my case, I am feeling better now than I was throughout most of my pregnancy. I don't mean to sound like the pregnancy was bad--it wasn't. I had a few aches & pains, but they were never constant or severe. No swelling at all until the end, and then barely worth mentioning. But I was tired. Soooooo tired. The kind of tired that feels drug-induced. My waves of tired reminded me of the irresistable sleep of Benadryl. Complete with the hangover. And this had been with me since the summer, regardless of the iron or vitamins or diet (or caffeine, some days). So for the first time in months I have my normal energy level again, and my mind and my body alike are relieved. I know, how odd--a new mother who claims to have energy. Well, I guess my body finds making milk easier than nourishing a growing baby inside. I have been pregnant or breastfeeding (and for a while, both) for almost 3 years now, and I guess my body is saying, "O.K.--this is the easy stuff!" Also, the baby is sleeping. Shhhh! Don't tell! A breastfed baby--sleeping! Well, it doesn't hurt that she emerged the size of a 1+ month-old. So for the past few nights she has slept for 3- and 4-hour stretches at a time, allowing me as much as 7 hours of sleep a night, and last night she actually slept for 5 hours straight. Even in the hospital she would sleep 3 or 4 hours, which made me more nervous then because my toddler had a really hard time "waking up" after birth. She wouldn't wake up to eat. And then she became jaundiced, and our problems multiplied. But this baby isn't sleepy. Not that way. Even in the hospital she woke when she was ready to eat--and only when she was ready. And she still does. Although she will sleep longer when held--like now for example. She is on my lap. (I like to type with a baby on my lap--provided she's too young to try to help!)

I also feel better mentally than I have in months. The whole pregnancy was filled with "what-ifs" for me. . . and now they're gone. The baby is healthy, she fits seamlessly into the family, the toddler doesn't feel threatened, and I do indeed feel like doing things (and I feel like I can do things!)--all worries that I had while pregnant. She is sweet and beautiful and I love her. And I guess I know in a more tangible way before--from renewed experience rather than just theory--that babies are possibilities rather than difficulties. They make us resourceful. They lift us up rather than weighing us down. But I have realized that after my toddler was born in October 2005, in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, with family difficulties all around, with the circumstances of her birth--3 weeks early, her jaundice, her sleepiness, her weight loss, I was stressed, I was exhausted, I was weighed down, and I believe I was depressed. I looked at the time, and I did not have the textbook symptoms of "postpartum depression." For one thing, my negative feelings were never directed toward the baby. But I was depressed nonetheless. I did eventually "snap out of it," which, for some, might indicate that I was not depressed. But what snapped me out of it was the decision to make an appointment with a counselor. I canceled the appointment, but from that day forward, things became better. And then I became pregnant (well, not immediately. . .). But it's not difficult to see, with so much negativity following the birth of my second child why pregnancy might inspire mixed feelings ("openness to life" notwithstanding--but I think one can be "open to life" but not prepared for it. . .).

And then there was the birth. I have mentioned before that I had pitocin for my first and second because of leaking amniotic fluid without contractions. The second time was a disappointment because it was a repeat of the same scenario, though there were elements of satisfaction--like only pushing for 15 minutes and no episiotomy, only a slight tear. But the memory of intense, unmanageable pain was too recent. I was afraid. So that added to the anxiety of the pregnancy.

What have I learned? That I love my babies. That my family is strong enough to accept new additions. (My toddler--who met the baby only 11 days ago--thinks her as much a part of the family as any of us now, and includes the baby when she wants us all together.) That my body can go into labor on its own, quite efficiently, and that I can deliver a baby with minimal medical intervention (or does what I did qualify as no medical intervention? no--there was an IV--hate those things). That I can manage pain. That the first two weeks postpartum can be easy--actually easy!! I think I needed to learn these lessons. And finally, that quick recovery makes me stir crazy!!!

(More LDR talk to come--sorry!)

More Blankies!!

These are probably the last I will be making for a while. I gave this one to a friend whose shower I attended yesterday. I was going for a vintage look with the prints--19th century or early 20th century vintage rather than the 1970s vintage!
I find that it is difficult using nontraditional colors for baby gifts, since it's difficult to gauge how nontraditional is too nontraditional! So I admit to being pleased when others also gave olive drab baby gifts!

This blanket is mine--for the new arrival. She finally has one of her own since the last one was claimed by her sister (with my full approval). I don't think I would have been brave enough to give this one as a gift--though the paisley could easily show up on a baby boutique item these days, as "baby" patterns emerge that are more traditionally associated with adults. But you see, baby boutique items given as gifts can at least be returned (well, exchanged, actually). And black binding finishes it off dramatically, but doesn't exactly scream "baby." But for those of us who get sick of pastels, I think it works well!
What's nice about these, too, is that they grow with the child: a play quilt, a baby blanket, a toddler throw. . . My toddler loves to snuggle on hers on a bean bag chair, and it goes nicely on her bed, though it's a little warm for it right now. So. . . Yay! Happy New Baby to me! ;)

What's Making Me Happy These Days

The first week of school (my teaching and my son attending) has successfully come to an end. The library situation resolved itself rather well. I learned from the librarian, also, that the teachers he has are very nurturing, and that this Intermediate campus (5th & 6th) is the more nurturing of the two in the area. It will certainly be a week-by-week proposition--a little more than getting through one day at a time, or one contraction at a time, which I've been hearing a lot about, but the first week has given me hope! I do need to do the class prep for this week, and post assignments for next, but I have an idea of what that will entail, so I'm not too worried. I've been putting in some time working on the dissertation, and have two baby blankets in the works as well!

Although it still seems a bit unreal that there is a new baby on the way, the prospect of having two little girls--sisters--is making me smile. Although I told myself that I would not buy the baby any new clothes (beyond one or two very special things), I have amended that resolution to allow for matching sister outfits! (Hee hee hee!) I got two very cute dress-legging combos by Carters in 24 mos. and 3 mos. this weekend. In my defense, I was picking them out for the toddler, when my husband asked if they came in newborn!! (3 months will be big, but not for long!) I started to put one tiny one back, but then we found out that they were on sale for $9 instead of $12--originally $18. How could I resist? ;)

When I bought the toddler bed a while back, I got my battery-powered nasal aspirator! Silly, perhaps, but with the way my babies' sinuses work, I think it's a good buy. I also found it $10 cheaper than online. Yay!

I did make a soft bedrail of sorts for my daughter's toddler bed, and she isn't scooting out any more!

I have 3 more nursing tops planned, when I get a chance to work on them. Time management is--so far--not as bad as I had feared.

I am looking forward to the return of the baby items (carseat, stroller, small pack n' play with bassinet and organic mattress) that I lent out after my daughter outgrew them. At the time, I believed that it would be an uncomplicated issue. I had no idea that I would find myself pregnant only weeks later! While the loan was not based on the couple's inability to afford baby items, they had expressed a reluctance to spend the money on baby items. The things were lent in good faith, with good intentions. I believe that the loan allowed them to feel like they could spend money in other areas, to feel good about more expensive baby purchases than they might have "risked" otherwise. The return was less-than-pleasant for complicated reasons. I am hoping that the items reach me in good condition. Having them shipped to me--particularly with no insurance--was not my preference, and I had made other arrangements accordingly. But, it is done. Now I have only to wait. I am happy thinking about getting them and setting everything up, though anxious about the surrounding circumstances.

I learned recently that I will have help beyond my expectations from my department, who will be helping to arrange for a single substitute while I am out so that my students will not feel shuffled about. Yay! After the trouble I have had with my teaching assignment, and after walking around with somewhat of a chip on my shoulder the first week, awaiting judgment, and even after being ignored (but perhaps there are other reasons) by tenured prof who asked me if I would be on the job market this year after saying that I would not be able to attend the large national conference this year, though I was open to other alternatives, this came as a nice surprise.

Another thought or two:

What's making me happy? Dr. Pepper and dark chocolate (not necessarily together)!

And I have been thinking, recently, of the births of my other two children as a result of the childbirth classes. Now, I'm not sure how much pitocin affects the pushing stage, but I learned recently--and I did not know this before--that pushing can take up to 2 hours. Yipes!! When I had just passed transition (miserably, but quickly) with my son, my doctor said it would only be about 2 hours more. Well, I was determined that it would be nowhere close to 2 hours. So in spite of the fact that he was 9 1/2 lbs., my first baby, that I had an epidural and couldn't feel much, was FLAT on my back--which, of course, is the worst possible position for pushing, he was up pretty high considering he was ready to be born ANY TIME NOW and the nurse was applying pressure just bellow my ribs (gravity would have helped) to get him to descend, and in spite of the fact that the doctor thought that she might have to use forceps, she did NOT have to use forceps, and he was born in 45 min. Now really, that's not bad. I didn't realize that at the time. I didn't realize it afterwards. In fact, I was incredulous at the 2 hr. estimate. I thought she was trying to motivate me. Well, it worked. But no one really told me I had done a good job, and it's taken me 10 years to figure it out. And then my daughter was born after only a few pushes--15 or 20 minutes. But she was smaller, with a much smaller head. But still not bad! I felt a lot of satisfaction after she was born.

I did also forget to mention that at my last prenatal visit, my doctor observed that this is not a small baby! Not a 9-pounder, she says, but not a 7 pounder either (unless she's impatient like her sister, I guess. . .). So that's good! A nice, big, healthy baby, if all continues as it is now! And as an added bonus, that means that a good bit of the 12 lbs. I've gained at this point is BABY, and I don't have to worry about the low weight gain. Yay!

And August is OVER! :D

Blankies!!

Here are some more photos of things that I like to make. I made this blanket yesterday. I bought the fabric a while back before the last baby shower I attended, when I was trying to pick out the right color scheme for my friend's blanket. It's become kind of a standard shower gift. They're really easy to make, and picking out the colors is fun! Anyway, I made this one for myself, probably for my (older) daughter, since we didn't know that the new one is more-than-likely a girl when I picked out the fabric. I need to experiment making one for a boy, and I have an idea and a baby boy in mind, I just need to do it! Most of the mothers I know who have had babies recently have had girls, though!

This is mine (for my daughter). I'll have to look around to find new colors for the new baby! She likes to wrap herself up in it. The backing is polar fleece, very cuddly. It's a play quilt in summer, or a cozy quilt for winter!


Here's the first I made:

Green and pink:Peach!

Long Time, No Post, and the Giving and Keeping of Clothing

Over the past week or so--since my last post--I have had random and occasional blogworthy thoughts along with the best of intentions to post them. I considered giving updates on my class & the teaching of Herland, but it was all I could do to actually follow through with the teaching, so I didn't really feel like writing about it. Last week was the kind of week--with the kind of weather--that just saps one's energy completely (even if one does not happen to be pregnant!). Towards the end of the week, the weather improved with a couple of days of torrential downpour in the afternoon (yay!), but the week passed, as a whole, in a blur. Some of the other posts I considered were my "patriarchy is a myth" post, my "to father" (in colloquial usage) is different from "to mother" post, my "how my childhood influenced my concept of fatherhood and why I could never conceptualize 'God the Father' as approachable " post and my "thinking about Catholic sex but I don't want to say too much here because I've said too much elsewhere" post. But alas! these posts were left unwritten. The recent eBay purchases post may yet be forthcoming!

My weekend was not a weekend to promote rest and get (academic) things accomplished. On a whim, we went to an outlet mall about an hour away, in the midst of a large power outage and through lovely driving weather--rain, hail... We bought my daughter some knit dresses and a pair of sporty sandals that she loves, although I intended them for occasional casual wear. After avoiding dresses for a good while, I have wanted to dress her in them almost exclusively--they're so easy!!! Nice and soft, too. And since she's showing potty training inclinations, they work well for those purposes also. I also bought 2 newborn all-in-one sleep-and-play suits that were very cute and only $5. A few says before, I found Timberland sock-booties in a 2-pack of pink & brown at TJMaxx. They will likely be our only newborn clothing purchases, unless we buy matching sister outfits!

On Sunday, I followed through with a resolution to purge my closets of the boy-specific clothing that I have been keeping for 10 years or so (some not so long). It was one of the justifications for learning whether we were having a boy or a girl. I now know that it will be many years before I could even possibly have a boy to fit size 4s.

Now, my husband & I are rather fond of clothing--a fact that has not been healthy for the preservation of storage space. This shrinking space problem has been exacerbated by, among other things, the need to retain things lent to us--things that will never be recalled, but must be kept. We are also tormented by our tendencies to gain (and sometimes lose, but mostly gain) weight, and yet to hope that "some day" we will fit into that one piece of clothing--or 5--or 10--that we loved so much (and that is likely so out of style that we wouldn't wear it anyway. . . I have tried to get better about this, but yesterday was not a day for sorting adult clothes. I do that regularly anyway.

Recently, it has been difficult locating possible hand-me-downs that would fit my daughter because of the way things were organized--or not--and how things were given to us in jumbles. So in the process of purging, I consolidated. I realized that I have two large Rubbermaids (not the largest, but 10 gallon or so) of "keepsakes"--mine and others'. I have an entire 10 gallon container full of girl-appropriate (though not necessarily girl-specific) clothes in 0-3 and 3-6 months. How wonderful is that!!?! I did not realize we had accumulated so much with our daughter. *blush* We have another container almost full of 6-9 and 6-12 month girl clothes. I also managed to uncover several t-shirts that she can fit now, and 3 pair of shortalls (and some possible non-knit dresses, mostly hand made so I can't tell sizes).

Now with a new baby, it is always tempting to buy new clothes "just because." The appeal of the "new" can be very powerful, and we can justify to ourselves by saying that the baby, who is a separate individual (but doesn't know the difference if she is wearing her sisters' clothes!!) deserves things of "her own," but I hope not to get sucked into that materialistic line of thought. Perhaps I will finish some of the outfits I started to sew for my daugther . . or at least make some of the things for which I bought fabric and patterns, but which my daughter outgrew before I could make them. (It's never fun to finish something old & half-stared!) In spite of the urge to have "new things" for the "new baby," I find myself so excited by the prospect that some of my favorite of my little girl's outfits, still in excellent condition, will be worn by a new little girl, that I do not know if I will have the urge to buy more. And how wonderful that the baby will be close to--if not exactly--the same clothing size during the same season, since their due dates will only have been 3 days apart or so! (Though my daughter was born 3 weeks early.)

And a similarly pleasing thought is the thought that my friends' little boys will be able to wear some of the very nice boy clothes that I kept after my son outgrew them. I have purged the boy clothes before, so only the very best things are left, and barring a few sentimental items, I have separated them into three piles--for a friend with an infant, one with a 5-year-old, and one to give to the St. Vincent de Paul society. It made me feel very fortunate, in spite of the memory of our financial struggles, to have so much beautiful clothes that were worn by my children. Of course, most of it was bought on sale or from outlets or discount stores, but there's no shame in that, only prudence!!

In the past, we likely would have brought the clothes that could not fit friends' children (or, well, all of the clothes, because we had no friends with children) to resale stores, hoping for a return (however small) on our investment. The thought did cross my mind once or twice--that the resale shops would indeed buy some of the items. But I banished that as a selfish thought. After all, these were things for which I didn't ever expect to get money back. They served their purpose and I have no further purpose for them now--or for years to come. So why should I expect to make what at this point would amount to a profit, since the items were paid long ago? We do not have much that we can give to charitable organizations. I admit that our contributions to the parish we attend are relatively low, though they do fluctuate. However, we have been making an effort to give to St. Vincent de Paul, and we contributed quite a bit to the recent parish garage sale, which raised $10,000+!! In particular, I like to give the things that could be sold--in keeping with my opinion that those who cannot afford more expensive clothing still deserve good quality things of which they can be proud. And even if wealthier bargain hunters shop at the St. Vincent de Paul stores, the profits will go toward helping families--I know this first hand, as someone close to me recently received a utility payment from St. Vincent's. Also, there is the possibility that a family who receives clothing vouchers would be able to select some of the nicer things that we will be donating. I would like to think that someone will have nicer back-to-school clothes in the fall than otherwise. I hope it is not an act of pride to write this--how does one separate happiness at giving in a small way from pride, exactly? It doesn't feel like a sinful impulse.

Similarly, I do wonder about the tax write off for charitable donations. That it should serve as an incentive seems wrong. I hesitate to make the ladies at the St. Vincent store give a receipt, since it seems like a hassle for them, I hesitate to put monetary value to the things I am giving, as their value is no longer monetary for me, they were paid for before the current tax year, and we don't have enough money to itemize anyway. Perhaps again, it is a matter of pride, but for the giving of "things," the incentive seems unnecessary.

Momma & Baby "Stuff"

The great thing about having recently had a baby is that I have most of the baby essentials pretty much covered (especially if this next one is a girl!) Now, there are things that will have to be replaced--I will need a stroller that can accommodate two babies, for example! And I will probably want a new carseat, since the one I have only holds a baby up to 20 lbs or so and is a bit smaller than some of the current models. I will want one of the carrier varieties that is a bit larger so that I don't have to worry about another carseat until the baby is actually a year old. Hopefully, big sister will be ready for a smaller, booster-style by then, and we won't have to attach big brother to the luggage rack! So to make up for the fact that I have most of the basics covered, there are a number of things that I found that I would have loved to have with the last one, that I will probably be buying in increments while I wait for number 3! So I'm listing these so that I won't forget, and so that other parents can see the cool stuff that is out there to make our lives easier! I confess--I love baby gadgets!

Baby Shopping List

Duo stroller
Infant seat that holds up to 30 lbs
Crib futon (for the toddler bed, actually)
Nurse-N-Glow Lighted Nursing Pillow -or- The Nursing Nest (anyone have a favorite?)
Electronic Nasal Aspirator!!!
And one of those thermometers that takes a reading off of the forehead.

Actually, that's the list right now. I will also be buying more babyproofing things for the apartment, since the toddler will be able to roam pretty freely. For example:

Baby gates for either side of the walk-through kitchen
Door knob protectors (thinking of Anastasia's post)
Knob covers for the stove (if the knobs are on the front)
Power strip safety covers

And of course, I have my own list:

Momma Shopping List

Nursing Patterns: dress pattern, nursing twinset pattern
Sling Pattern
All manner of Earth Mama Angel Baby Products!
And look at this cool alternative to a hospital gown! (I won't buy this one--kinda frivolous)

I have already bought a very cute batik print to make the sling--it's creamy with light hints of greeny-blues, and has a purplish vine-pattern on it. I'm excited about it! I also bought a pattern to make a cute purse that will coordinate, but it has enough pockets & flaps and compartments to accommodate diapers & wipes--just a small to-go bag. There are other baby carrier patterns that interest me, too. Here are a couple with directions online:

Beth's Man Tai (silly name)
Mae Mei Tai

And here's an article about someone who's had almost as much trouble with baby carriers as I have! Clearly, the second trimester is here and I'm getting into baby-mode. Now if only I didn't have to grade, write, and prepare for a class that starts May 29th. Oh! And move! Anyone got a truck? ;)