Sunday, December 30, 2007
Not so Bad After All. . .
FYI--Things have been going well on the 10-year old front through the weekend. I believe there might have been some misunderstanding and embarrassment making the disrespect seem worse than it was. So when my mother departs, we will discuss things further, but a lesser punishment (or an earlier reprieve) may be in order. However, the threat of present confiscation has produced a more conscientious child. Maybe he & I are okay after all! However, there have been lessons learned all around about how your words and actions influence how you are perceived as a person. And about balancing honesty with tact, for want of a better word!
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5 comments:
So glad to hear the cloud has lifted!
Late to the event but... You've posted about this kind of thing once or twice before, so I assume that it's not a one time issue.
For what it's worth, I went through a massively-hard-to-deal-with phase around 11. (My mom called it "eleven going on thirteen".) A few additional points of similarity: I was also the oldest, I also was pretty well assured I was smarter than most people, and I had a tendency to allow this to stretch to thinking (and being much less subtle than I thought I was: acting like) I was better than most people. I also suffered from a strong temptation to spin things if given the chance (an expectation of no opposing witnesses.)
So from that point of view, a few thoughts:
The fact that he refuses to back down and remains defiant (even for foolishly long periods of time) does not necessarily mean that you're not making an impression. Sometimes I just felt completely unable to back down, even if that meant making things worse for myself. This often lasted the entire day, and the next day rather than backing down I just tried to ignore it.
Just because I was refusing to back down didn't necessarily mean that I didn't actually have respect for parental authority -- it's just that pride made it impossible to actually let it show. In fact, it was my seeing parental authority as being such a big thing that made me upset, and not want to back down.
Thus: Don't necessarily feel like you need to keep pushing until you get a visible change. Call out the wrong, assign the necessary punishment, and then just leave it. Even if he remains surly for a while, that may just be pride working out its course.
Obviously, if the refusing to back down results in multiple offenses (e.g. dissing your mother again) that might rack up more punishment. But if it's just general surliness and refusal to admit being in the wrong, it may just be a face-saving thing. (That's what it was for me, anyway.) And in that case, the rule and punishment may well be having a more long term effect even if it doesn't seem to have any immediate effect beyond causing general unpleasantness.
And it did pass after a year or so... :-)
Sorry to keep coming back, but one last thing: not being proactively helpful around the house and being frustrated with toddler siblings actually sounds really normal for age eleven.
I seem to recall Mom only got chores out of us at that age if we had specific lists of duties and lost our allowances/privileges if we didn't do them. And spontaneous stuff (e.g. "Go read your sister a story.") tended to be met with grumbling.
This advice is immeasurably helpful & reassuring!!
I actually believe that the actual disrespect was the result of realizing a wrong and not wanting to back down. Specifically, after turning off the stove, in which sweet potatoes were cooking, and being confronted with it, he responded with a flip remark, that he "didn't like the stove to be on just randomly." Now, there was also the feeling that he thought my mother was using the stove to warm the house, and didn't approve of that--or felt that my husband and I wouldn't approve. (I didn't tell my mother that last supposition--that he was protecting us in a way...)So he was indeed playing master of the house. :P
On the other hand, the not backing down only lasts a little while. In an hour or so, he usually displays remorse. It was the temporary nature of it that was bothering us. Thanks, Darwin. I have renewed hope--its good to start a new year with hope! :) Besides having figured out that this one incident was not so grave a matter as it seemed.
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