I think it's time to face facts. I probably won't be continuing as an adjunct past this semester. This makes me terribly sad. It was fulfilling. It gave me purpose. It made me feel important. It was exciting to develop the activities and search for the extra resources (because I'm not a fan of the textbook resources) and exciting to know that the students were learning, or were making connections, or at the very least, were enjoying the activities and literature. But as the semester wears on, I have to face facts. I'm terribly behind. The level of instruction is sub-par. And I don't have time to even read the material that I'm teaching because of the 40-hour job, exhaustion, illness (mine), travel (someone else's), grading, and, you know, regular meals and such. Note that I did not say housework.
Perhaps it's because I made the test too long. I'm grading it question by question and it simply goes on forever. Because I'm knee-deep in exams (which I don't even think should exist in online courses), I haven't spent as much time interacting with students through the weekly online activities, which means that I miss the learning. I have a really interesting assignment "out there" that I haven't been able to look at--casting Everyman with conteporary actors. Perhaps when the exam dust settles I will have time. I only have 6 more questions to grade for each student, but this week has not let me breathe. In the meantime, I should be posting the assignments for King Lear, and I simply don't have any. The only reason I'm even teaching Lear is because it's in the textbook and we have to do Shakespeare. There is another play, but it's a Comedy. I have a trio of "serious" plays that I'm teaching, so Lear it is. I like Lear. A lot. But so much of this course material seems wasted on an online class. So in spite of the stimulation, there's a lot of discouragement and feeling that I'm simply not performing up to par.
In life right now... well, I've had a lot going on as well. Three classes in the past two weeks, one of them new and one of them rather demanding. Plus, I have been prepping for a conference presentation that was yesterday. While these things happen at work (8-5), they affect my intellectual energy (and actual energy) when I get home. These classes have left me feeling overwhelmed--the last thing I want to do is come home and engage with online class activities. Well, that's not entirely true. But I need some decompression time that I never seem to get. Particularly this week, when my husband is traveling for the high profile part of his job. *sigh* I have been feeling that this position is for someone older, with grown children, or better paid, with a trophy (second) wife who doesn't work. Certainly not for a family man with young children and a wife who would like to make a career for herself one day, and keeps struggling in that direction in spite of failure and setbacks. And when my helpful teenager goes off to college... I don't even want to think about it. Then, I will feel really alone when these trips happen.
It is just too much. I'm not sure the happiness I gain is worth the cost. But... I still don't think teaching online is the problem. The problem is being a full-time 40-hr employee somewhere and teaching as an extra. Because it's not a hobby. I joked that it was, but you can't truly make a passion for your job into a hobby. It demands too much time and energy because you want to do it. And then you can't. And sadly, I don't think I can.
