No, really! I am! I'm not feeling stressed, though I guess I am. See the post about down time. That was sort of a low point. I feel like my expectations are becoming a bit more realistic. I am striving to have the next week's unit done in time for it to be released to the students, rather than trying to build up a queue of 2 or three to give myself space. The grading, which I feared, is not bad. I simply work through several submitted assignments a day (more or less) and then work on prepping or researching the lesson that needs to go up. I'm a little behind. The Chaucer lesson is 2/3 of the way done. It was released on Monday with the Wife of Bath module listed as "Coming soon!" But since they haven't even finished the Old English poetry unit (the first one) and they have a short module on Arthurian history/romance, I can't say I'm worried that they're going to be champing at the bit for the Wife of Bath. I wouldn't. Would you?
My problem is that I have some odd little pains in my chest throughout the day that worry me a bit. Over the summer, I had a couple of weeks when I was feeling like my heart was racing quite a lot, and similar little pains. Some shortness of breath. The pains felt like the horrible stabbing heartburn that I had when I was pregnant with daughter #1. The shortness of breath felt like anxiety. By thinking about it, I seemed to make it worse. There was a lot going on at the time. A trip to Ft. Worth with just the kids because my usual traveling companion was traveling for work. A proposed trip to visit a campus with my oldest (though we didn't make it). When my husband travels, I get anxious. When I travel, I get anxious.
I decided to go to a doctor and see whether this was a problem. I had spoken to my OBGYN months before about the palpitations (which had already stopped by the time I saw her), and she said if it returned, she could set me up with a monitor. That seemed extreme when they returned in August or so. So I went to a family practitioner. She was young--too young--and seemed more occupied with her shadowing med student than me. She did an EKG. Hello??? EKG??? (Which, I should say was perfectly fine. Beautiful. And all of my levels were normal to on the high side of normal.) And referred me to a cardiologist. Done. Well, that seemed extreme. I didn't go. I stopped taking my vitamins (which seemed to be contributing to the effect). We switched permanently from Starbucks ground coffee to Mystic Monk, which I prefer anyway. That, for some reason, made a HUGE difference. And life continued with no further thumpings or beatings or racings. Until now.
The doctor did ask if I had a stressful lifestyle. I said no. I pondered that after, trying to figure out what I really meant by "stressful." So this is a post about work-life balance.
I have not changed my coffee--well, okay. I was drinking an extra cup, bringing my daily total up to two--in addition to my Dr. Pepper, soft drink of choice, which is not daily, but close. But the small stabbing pains--anxiety? heartburn? something else?--have returned, and I get short of breath sometimes. The heart racing isn't as it was--so the Starbucks must have been a serious contributing factor (though I can still buy their drinks without a problem). But something feels different, not quite normal, and the same as before.
And all I can think of is that question about stress. What is stress? I answered "no" because I was generally happy (if not quite satisfied with my work situation), and didn't feel overwhelmed or unable to cope with what I had to do. I'm not sure if I believe that "busy" is the same as stressed. When I have felt most stressed recently (last fall), it has had to do with others' illnesses, teacher matters, and general family interactions. Not simply the daily living of my life--except insofar as those things influence the daily living of my life. So okay, I live a stressful lifestyle. Sometimes.
Right now, I have more on my plate than ever, but I'm coping surprisingly well. So what's with the pains and the heart and the lungs?? I am teaching religious ed. That is stressful. My older daugther is in 4-H archery. She had a competition over the weekend that she wasn't ready for, and my heart aches for that. Of course, everyone around me is dropping like flies to some plague or other, so that's stressful. My younger daughter's school situation has improved since last semester, as has my son's (12th grade), so that's good. Money isn't really a problem now as it has been. I work at work, of course, but that's rarely stressful. I have my class that I'm teaching online, which means that my evenings and weekends are occupied with work, which is often hard to come to terms with. I do other things, too, but it feels like I am constantly working. However, I am also engaged. My mind is active and I am happier and more satisfied with everything. I am writing more on the blog and in a notebook (creatively), which is good. But I am busy. Busy, busy, busy. I don't read on the sofa in the evenings--I work. I don't slump against my husband's shoulder on the sofa and doze a bit before bed--because I'm working. I don't sleep as well. I'm often dreaming about something work-related. Last night I dreamt that I had borrowed the velvet Victorianesque ensemble of an author I like without asking, and was modeling it and trying to get it back before she noticed. Huh. A good night is when I don't remember what I dream. I'm dreaming, dreaming, dreaming, all the time. Maybe it's the coffee (I've cut back down to one cup). Maybe it's late night engagement.
So is my lifestyle stressful? I'm inclined to say no at the moment. But it is sleep-deprived. And I'm on. All the time. I'm thinking the sleep might be the problem. When my husband travels, I don't sleep. I often stay awake until 3 A.M.--listening. Because I'm the only one around to protect everyone. I will also fall asleep with or in a book. This accounts, perhaps, for the symptoms over the summer and connects them to what I'm feeling now.
I'm most peaceful these days when writing--reflective, contemplative activity. A substitute for sleep, perhaps?
