All Kinds of Frustrating. . .

What I am not referring to here is the fact that I managed to ride around in the car for an hour in the hopes that the girls would fall asleep, gave up & went home with only Chiclette asleep to find that Doodle (oh joy!) fell asleep after all, only to have Doodle wake up AFTER I had carried her in the house (not in time to walk in by herself), cry that she wasn't sleepy, wake up Chiclette, who never went back to sleep. . . yadda yadda yadda.

No, I am referring to the thoughts that are going through my head in reference to my one--count 'em, y'all, ONE--job prospect. Now I know I could be reminded that it was only with the deepest sense of futility that I contemplated or embarked upon the job search many months ago. Yes, that is true. It may perhaps be part of the problem. Because part of me sings, "Oh glee! Someone wants me!!" while another part wonders if the job in the hand really is worth two in the bush and wonders if I had better try to flush out those other two. . . All the time, of course, the third voice is telling me that the one job is by no means in the hand after only a phone interview. *sigh*

Friday I had a phone interview. It is a regional branch of a large state school--so far so good. The department seems attractive. Rather small--in the lower 20s for full-time faculty, which is the largest at that university. School is having budget issues--go figure; hasn't affected this search in any tangible way that I can tell yet. The committee chair has maintained an enthusiastic attitude in dealing with me. All good. The school extremely rural--not so good. They do have a Wal-Mart, which I am counting as good, though the converse could be argued. There is only one of each grade-level public school. The only private school is very, very evangelical. The child care options seem very limited. I would probably feel best in the Baptist church child care environment, which raises its own questions. There are 200 Catholics in the COUNTY--but there is a Catholic church in town--VERY good. The schools do not seem to offer orchestra, just band. Not so good. The cost of living is significantly lower than here, and we are already pretty low. Good. Can you tell I'm obsessing a little? I have come down off of the obsession a little since the weekend, but I'm still weighing things constantly as I wait the two weeks (maybe a little over a week now) until I learn whether they want to see more of me or not. At which point, I would be able to see the place--which by all counts is beautiful, though very rural.

There are many considerations, not the least of which is whether, with their budget issues, they would be able to offer spousal placement. Because I will not see my husband placed lower than he deserves so that I can take some more or less permanent position. That, for me, is a non-negotiable. I will not sacrifice my children's care or education. And yet. . .

Surely there are other professors at the university who have families--who have raised families--in the surrounding area. Surely!! And there are worse things than a very rural area--a very urban, unsafe area, for example.

My problem is that I am continually questioning my frame of mind. When the position seemed unattractive to me, I wondered if I was being hasty. If it seems at present the best thing since sliced bread and my only chance for lasting happiness (hyperbole), I also wonder if I'm being hasty.

It seems, for one thing, foolish not to take a well-paying position (based on their own salary data--the web is wonderful) in a place with a low cost-of-living.

I would be teaching what I want to teach--plain & simple. Never thought that would happen, actually. It gives me some hope. Class size is smaller than I'm used to and there are possibilities for real schedule flexibility--online and one-day/week classes. Even travel opportunities (not with young children, but they don't know that). All of which balances the high teaching load--theoretically. Except that when I teach TWO classes I can't find time to tie my shoelaces--there is THAT.

But--I think to myself--are my reasons more material? Why yes, yes they are. (It's been apparent from the start, no?) In a couple of days I start counting a little further into my thirties. And here I am, still cramming myself and my family into undersized rentals. I so desperately want to move, but why move for a year or however long it takes to find a permanent spot when I might have the opportunity to move and find a more permanent spot this very year?

I'm dreaming of a house with non-neutral, high quality carpeting. I want windows--insulated glass windows--that let in nature so that nature can't get me. I want a fireplace, and a large living room. I want so many bedrooms that children can play and leave their toys out and I never have to know. I want CLOSETS--one for each member of the household, not 2 split between 5 people. And a garage (attached) that doesn't double as a roach motel. A kitchen that is functional. Appliances that are not apartment grade and actually dry the clothes within 1-2 cycles. I can picture it, this cookie-cutter house in a shiny new sub-division. (Not what I've typically thought of as my preferred aesthetic, by the way.) It has my name on it. There are woods and hills in the distance. And a little dinky town with a university and one Wal-Mart. *sigh*

There are drawbacks to this vision. Mainly, that I might start feeling the urge to have matching furniture or bath towels. But I'm prepared to take that risk. But what else might I have to risk?

And let's think clearly about this. You know that guy who sings on the "Free Credit Report" commercials? (I have been known to sing the one about working in a tourist-y seafood restaurant.) Yeah. Well, let's just say I'm in no position to buy a house. Maybe in 4-5 years, with a lot of saving--unless the Department of Education claims every extra cent, as is their right. And rentals in that area, while cheap, don't exactly sing to me. So the vision that currently sustains me turns out to be empty, and I go around and around again--will they have organic yogurt? Whole wheat pasta? Montessori education. . . The list goes on.