The problem with knowing & reading so many great stay-at-home-mom bloggers is that I read more than my fair share of posts about housework. Particularly in January, it seems, as everyone is trying to get their households under control as part of New Years' Resolutions. Me--not so much. Or if I am, my definition is different: arrange to have the car daily in order to pick the soon-to-be-eleven-year-old up from school, make sure that all of the bills get paid in any given month, learn to get an infant and a toddler in the car by myself. I've been doing pretty good with two of the three--I'll leave you to guess which ones.
My standards of housework perfection are simultaneously high and low. When I read the blogs of stay-at-home moms, I think, "Gee, if this person does this stuff all day while I sit at the computer & read blogs while trying to find the 'correct mental state' for dissertation writing, how must my house compare and should I care a teensy bit more about it?" I frequently feel like I haven't done a single productive thing in a day (don't ask what my definition of "productive" is--I couldn't tell you, except when the mood hits!) I don't feel like I'm an adequate housekeeper--or houseworker (that is, "doer of housework")--though I do, paradoxically, perhaps, feel myself to be an adequate homemaker. Perhaps that's where the contrast comes in, I'm not sure. . . But home maker seems to imply an attitude and an overall effort to make a house--and a household--home like, which seems to be something beyond mere neatness or organization.
So anyone who actually pledges to stay home & take care of cleaning, etc., as a full time job has my admiration, and if I imagine myself in comparison to these individuals, I will almost certainly feel that I come up short. I think of my grandmother, who had a task for each day of the week, including weekly vacuuming and dusting (!), and whose house always seemed perfect. (Vacuuming and dusting are only to be done if guests are expected, pine needles accumulate, or dissertation writing is being put off.) I was illustrating her system of washcloth folding to my son over the weekend: the washcloths had to be folded in fourths, but all in the same direction, so that the stripe was on the top of the folded towel and parallel to the folded portion. Everyone who took a bath at her house had to wipe out the bathtub afterward to maintain a clean tub! Obviously, I will never strive to that kind of perfection. But I wonder if, in the grand scheme of things, I am that much worse than my peers, or if we merely harbor different goals. . .
In a given day, I know there are things I need to accomplish. I need to drop off my husband and son in the morning so that I have the car in order to pick them both up in the afternoon. I need to make sure that the toddler has at least 2 meals (or as close to two meals as I can manage) before picking up Brother and Daddy. I need to feed myself a reasonable amount of fairly-nutritious food. I need to give the toddler a nap. I need to bathe myself, either before the dropping off or during the napping. I need to change at least 2 toddler diapers before the nap. I need to accommodate the needs of the infant, allowing her or helping her to sleep when necessary, feeding her on demand, changing diapers as necessary. Those are the essentials! I may give some thought to dinner early in the day, but by the time supper preparation time rolls around, I may have changed my mind! Other tasks happen when they happen, and are governed by necessity: if someone has worn all of their pants this week, pants need to be washed. If the dirty clothes is overflowing the dirty clothes receptacles, multiple batches are in order (they used to be washed on the weekends, but laundry is no longer something that can be accomplished all at one time. . .). If the clutter is becoming overwhelming, straightening up is on the agenda. If bills need to be paid, I wash some more clothes--you get the idea! ;) During semesters when I teach, papers are graded before they need to be returned, and class prep is accomplished during the days on which I teach if I teach in the evening. The point being, I prioritize tasks. Often if I want to accomplish one particular thing, like cooking a pot of soup or two from my favorite Monastery Soups cookbook, making blankies or some other sewing project, or baking a king cake, for example, something else (hopefully not toddler meals) gets pushed aside. Hey! Some things can wait! I put it down to a quality of life issue. And I'm not always this laid back about it, as my husband, who does a considerable amount of "what needs to be done" can attest. But I am opposed to scheduling my day. I don't think it would make things less overwhelming or make my day seem more productive. Rather, it would emphasize what I have been unable to accomplish in an unhealthy way. I do enough of that on my own!
I am not what most would consider organized, but I have enough of my grandmother in me that I could be--really obsessively organized. (The perfectionist gene manifests itself differently in each generation. I received more than my share.) So when I organize, I really organize. When I wash clothes, my batches include darks, blue jeans, lighter mediums, darker mediums, lights, white clothes, reds, light towels, colored towels, and baby clothes. So I stay away from opportunities to organize like the child of an alcoholic avoids alcohol. 'Cause daily life doesn't have to be that perfect, especially if sanity and happiness (yours and others') are lost in the process. I scoff at visiting picture-perfect professors' houses (yeah, like those children's books would be stacked just. so. on that antique chair if any real children lived here!!) Mess is part of life, as long as it's not unsanitary.
Now, clearly I do not think of myself as a stay-at-home mom. I share a lot with stay-at-home moms. For starters, I am usually home with my children all day during the week. I do not choose to put my children into others' care while they are small. In fact, I don't like to put them into childcare until preschool--part time--at age 3, if I can arrange it. Even then, we start with 2 or 3 half days a week, and I am very selective of the facility, preferring Montessori. My son only went to kindergarten part time. And yet, although I am home a lot, I do work outside of the home. I am not currently full-time, and I hope not to be (2-3 classes is enough!!). I choose my hours as much as possible to make things convenient for me to stay with my family. But I am not a stay-at-home mom. And I wonder if this influences my perception of housework. I really don't think of housework as part of my vocation--it's just something unpleasant that needs to be done, and everyone pitches in to keep everything running fairly smoothly. And it works! There are frustrations, and a certain big brother needs to become accustomed to his share, but it does work. In a given day, I--or we--accomplish enough to be able to sit down in the evening and relax a little knowing that the tasks that will not wait are taken care of. And at the end of the day, that's what's important.
6 comments:
And at the end of the day, that's what's important.
Exactly. I think the key question for any of us to ask about this area (or any area) of life is: is it bringing peace to our household? Is it working for us? Is it ultimately, in some form or another, bringing us closer to God? If the answer is yes then it's probably the right system, whether it involves spending tons of time or no time at all on housework.
Also, I know what you mean about perfectionism and organization being an "all or nothing" endeavor.
Interesting post!
Me not so much too.
I'm one stay at home mom whose standards for housework and cleanliness are pretty low.
I tend to vacuum the floors when the dirt gets to the point where I can't ignore it. I tend to blame Isabella's fear of the vacuum; but can't honestly claim I was much better before she came along. Ditto for other cleaning chores. I don't have a schedule for housekeeping and can't imagine wanting one.
I've tried in the past few months to set some pretty low daily goals for myself, though just to give myself a sense of accomplishment: making our bed every morning when I get dressed, picking up the toys after I put Isabella to bed. Keeping on top of the laundry by trying to throw in a load every day and ditto with the dishes. Other than that I don't have a schedule for housekeeping. I agree with you about it emphasizing what doesn't get done and increasing frustration levels.
I don't even have the excuse of a dissertation to cover the amount of time I spend on the computer. But I do think that having an intellectual outlet is important for me. Some stay-at-homes take their kids on play dates, I read, write and comment on blogs.
I think Jen's had some good posts recently about lowering our expectations about what needs to get done every day and especially about what we can realistically expect to accomplish when we are tending to infants and toddlers.
What a great attitude you have!
My standards for my house are no where near perfection but I still can't seem to attain it for more than a few days at a time. That's what is so frustrating. Actually, what is so frustrating is knowing that since my standards aren't unachievable that I was just too lazy that day to get it done (like reading blogs for way too long).
I really love your take on this. And, you know, from your description you sound like a stay-at-home mom even though you work outside the home.
I try to spend the minimum amount of work on cleaning, though that backfires if I neglect something enough that I have to carve out a big chunk of time to deal with it. (Read: the growing pile of unfolded laundry that's slowly taking over my room.)
I suppose, if I were really organized and focused on "the family apostolate" or whatever, that I would make the girls help with picking up the floor or unloading the dishwasher, so that they learn the value of good honest work and discipline. Or not. We've got a lot of time.
I fold my towels a particular way -- in thirds, and then in half and half again. They look so nice and neat in a pile, and it really irks me when anyone else folds towels the wrong way and tries to wedge them in the linen closet. Not that the closet is perfectly organized, but hey! At least the towels look good.
Mrs.D ~ I fold my towels a certain way too and everyone else must do the same! Mine is exactly the opposite from yours: Half and half again then thirds!
Mess is part of life, as long as it's not unsanitary.
Yep, that's my mantra too, though I didn't have it all worked out in a nifty little bumper sticker until you wrote it there. :)
I too share a lot with SAHM while not being one - I'm around my kids pretty constantly since I can take them to work with me in the parish office. For me, this is the best of both worlds - outside interaction AND not relinquishing my children's upbringing (which is not, in any way, shape, or form a criticism for anyone who does use outside childcare etc.).
Thought provoking as usual. I hope I get a chance to chew on this a little more and perhaps do an "organizing (not to be confused with cleaning) post" of my own... :)
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